Us: TTC for 3 1/2 years, 4 ICSI cycles (incl one double embyro transfer), 1 cancelled cycle due to embyro dying.
SIL and husband: TTC for just over a year. 1st IVF cycle about 3 months ago
Since finding out they were TTC I have been dreading them getting pregnant before us. How the hell would I handle that. Then they did IVF and I was relieved when their first attempt was unsuccessful.
Well last night I felt like my world just caved in around me. My husband answered the door and I hear them come in and say we have news, we're 4 1/2 weeks pregnant. My heart was racing, as I heard them talk, I actually felt my chest seize, I think I was starting to have a panic attack. It's been on my mind, that it's a possibility they will conceive before us (especially considering they have unexplained infertility, no problems identified like we have). I've thought about how I would make the effort to say congrats whilst I'm dying on the inside. Well I just didn't do it. They came in after speaking to my hubby and said we got pregnant on our 2nd attempt. I didn't say anything straight away. and then I just blurted out I'm sorry, I can't congratulate you and then walked off to my bedroom to begin crying. In hindsight I wish I just had've had the strength to be a better person but I didn't. They left straight away and I bawled for about 1 hour and a half or more.
So many emotions went through me but the biggest one I felt was anger. I had so much anger and rage inside me, if I'd been in the kitchen, I don't know how many plates etc I would have smashed. Whilst bawling I said to my hubby that I want to punch something, this is so f*ing unfair. My heart was breaking so much, I've cried heavily before because of our situation, but last night my chest felt heavy, I felt I was crying as hard as if someone had died. The pain was just so much last night.
I just feel like it's so unfair. they got it on their 2nd go, within 3 months. I resent them, to be honest I kind of despise them for IVF having worked for them and not us (and I know it's not rational and their fault I can't get pregnant). I feel like it's my turn, I've gone through so much heartache and I'm not one bit closer, and yet here they are running to our front door to tell us that theirs worked. And there's another reason for my anger. I felt it was insensitive. Did they think that we would be jumping up and down for joy with them? They've been through it a bit, surely they could think how I might react? how I might feel to hear that it's worked for them, whilst it hasn't for us. I wished they'd done it by phone so I could have time to digest it. But then I don't think it would have been any better. I'd still react the same way. I wonder if I'm overreacting, but I've been thinking about it all day and I am p*ssed off with how they did it. Not even saying anything like I know it might be hard to hear etc. Just nothing. I said to my husband how could they be insensitive, can't they put themselves in my shoes. I feel like them coming over was not so much gloating, but I don't know what the word is for it.
During the middle of my bawling I said to hubby he doesn't understand, he doesn't feel it like I do, he hasn't suffered and cried like I have over all this (he doesn't talk about it much, I feel like I wear it all). Then he got mad at me and we started arguing, and I felt so alone. But then he started saying that he too is sensitive to all the people having babies, he wanted to punch the doctor and embyrologist every time they raved about our perfect embryo, yet only to have disappointment two weeks later. So I guess if there is a blessing in it, that's it. He actually opened up to me and I didn't realise how much he was hurting too until last night.
I've been thinking about it all day at work...how do I handle all the upcoming family events? I have managed to avoid any pregnant person until now. We have a family gathering on Dec 6, a SIL flying back from Melbourne. I'm sure the talk will be how exciting her pregnancy is. How do I sit there and hear that and endure it when I'll be wishing it was me. And then there's xmas.... I just don't think I can do it.
How do people do it? Have you had conflict with family members because of your infertility?
Sorry, long post. I know I'm more a lurker than a poster. thank you for reading.
Last edited by incomplete; November 6th, 2009 at 04:36 PM.
: typo
I have no words for you, but I could not just read your post and not say anything...
so I will do the only thing I can do from where I am
I wish I had the word to make you feel better....
dont kick yourself for the way you are feeling, its better out than in, thats what we on BB are here for... so let it out with us scream, rant and rave we will be here to hold your hand...
incomplete, if they knew everything you have been through then yes they were being insensitive. but then again, as it has not been a long road for them they probably have no idea how upsetting it is to hear people are pregnant when you have to go through so much. I am thinking if it had been their 4th cycle too, they would have been much more aware of what you might be going through.
As you said, a blessing has come from it, in that you had that talk with your DH.
Re families - if you have to avoid family gatherings to stay sane then do that or at least make sure you remove yourself from particularly upsetting situations. Just remember that because people have not been through what you are going through they will find it hard to understand what you are going through so may seem to you to be "thoughtless".They are not doing it to hurt you, they just have no idea how their words are affecting you. ((hugs))
I just want to give you a . It's so hard to wait our turn at times when all we tend to do is compare how many cycles we've done compared to those who have been successful. In one way it gives me hope ( eg. They took 8 cycles), but in others it's a form of torture (they had success on their first cycle, so when is it my turn).
As for your DH, it's great that you had that talk. I'm just begining to realize how hard this is on my DH as he's talking about it and making comments more and more. I think initially he tried to be the "strong" one and hold it all together. I think that's geting harder for him to do but the good things is we are talking and dealing with it together more than before. I hope you and your DH can find the comfort in each other that you need.
Please come in hear and talk more if you need. There are people that understand and can relate. again.
My niece was in a very similar situation. She too reacted badly to her SIL's pregnancy, but everyone understood and she was fine after the initial shock. However, they simply decided that the family Xmas get togethers, which included two pregnancies were more than she could deal with.
They organised to go visit some interstate friends (childless) for christmas. They had a nice time and nobody objected to them doing what was best for them.
It's such a difficult time for you, and so unfair, but do try and stay positive.
My niece now has a beautiful daughter, 11 months younger than her cousin
I know how u feel. We were TTC for 2 years. My SIL was with Dp's brother for 3 weeks and wamo! i felt sick.. angry.. upset. They spoke about it like it was just another day in their lives. I mean FFS. I did congradulate them, but it was eating me up inside. So many horrible thoughts went through my mind, like, i hoped they would misscarriage. I know thats sooo horrible to think, but i was really mess up about it. Once their DD was born, 3 months later they were pregnant again! It felt like they were shoving it right in my face. I was on fertility treatments by this stage, and i finally got my BFP. Her DS was born 6 weeks before my DD. And since, she has had another.. so thats 3, 2 and under.
Feel free to let it out here hunni. Its not good to keep it bottled up inside.
Im praying for u that one day you will have your forever baby. Hang in there xoxox
I think you did a damn sight better than I did when I heard SiL was pg, and when I heard Cousin was pg.
I'd also be going away, just the two of you, for Christmas. It's a famiy time. You and DH are a familly - it doesn't have to be an extended family time.
when my SIL told us that she was pg with her second, DH took the call, and I could tell what the news was from the look on his face - I just ran down the hall in tears and cried for hrs - even though they had been through a terrible time with their first (was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months) and deserved a h&h pg! How bad did I feel!
It took me a while to realise that 1. my inital emotional reactions where always hard - tears etc etc, but when that inital shock was gone eg a few days later, I could seperate the feelings a bit more and understand that yes, I was happy for the couple, but that at the same time I felt jelousy, fear that we would never be in that position and just the grief at the losses we had gone through. By understanding this, it meant that I was not so hard on myself for how I reacted at first hearing the news, but then I could congratulate people a few days later when I had rationalised my feelings.
BUT, you do no have to put yourself in positions that make it harder for yourself. DH and I spent last xmas together at home - shunned the rest of the family (inc pg SIL) and finished off my bird avaries and moved in the budgies (their best xmas ever!). If you feel obligated to do something with people, make it so you can leave early or have an escape plan eg instead of going to someones house, go out for lunch somewhere and if you need to go for a walk and do some window shoping to get away from conversations about kids! You need to look after yourself and your DH - so do whatever you need to to preserve your mental health and strenght.
Remember that this is not easy, and you are intitled to feel upset and devestated during this journey...dont be too hard on yourself.
incomplete, I feel your heartache & your pain, sweets xxx
I think that this situation is different for all of us - so perhaps there is no real advice that I can give you as to how to go about it... everyone will react in their own way - and you just can't help the way you feel... feelings happen all on their own & we just aren't in control of them
To give you a little idea on me - we've been through 7yrs of TTC through IVF (6 full cycles & countless surgeries in between)... and in the time we started trying for a baby we have watched over 12 babies been born through friends/family while we were going through IVF after IVF, etc etc.
In most cases, the couples that were having children hadn't even met when we had started trying for a baby, so we watched them go through meeting/engagments/weddings & then babies while we were trying... most of them have gone on to have 2 children now..... it rips your heart out & you just can't explain the agony to anyone that hasn't been in your position xxx
I do feel in your situation that your SIL & husband were a little insensitive coming over tobring you the news.... especially knowing what you've been though so far with no result
In their defence though, I completely agree with Anney... they have been through their own battle (shorter & smaller than yours) - but they are probably oblivious to your complete feelings, because they just have no comprehension as to having done it as much as you (if that makes sense?)
I have found on my TTC journey that people honestly just do not have ANY comprehension of what you go through - and you talk to people who have been through it once or twice, and although you can feel their heartache, they still have no idea on what its like for someone like yourself who has been through multiple attempts.
I resigned myself to the fact that people are just ignorant - and I don't mean that in a nasty or petty kind of way - but in the true sense of the word ignorant.... being that they are completely clueless & just have no idea.
And how could they? They haven't been here
I have no real advice for you except in terms of your husband - however yucky it came to be, you guys managed to connect on a way you haven't previously in terms of talking about his feelings... and thats a major breakthrough.
Honestly, its so hard to get men to talk about how they really feel about anything let alone something as emotional & sensitive as an issue like this.
It will help you to get through further attempts - I honestly believe the true test of a solid marriage/partnership is a few cycles of IVF treatment
Congratulate yourselves on getting to where you are - and doing it together.
As far as Christmas etc goes - just do what you feel you're capable of.
I went through countless family functions listening to family members talk of their excitement & then watch babies unfold afterwards - some times I got through it & sometimes it was too much.
On those times I just didn't go - you have to be true & kind to yourself & part of that is realising what you can handle at that point in time. What might be too hard today may be ok tomorrow & vice versa.... so just take each situation as it comes & do what you are capable of.
Nobody has to understand it or accept it - once again, how could they if they're not going through it - so you do whats right for yourself to make it through xxx
My very, very best wishes to you & your husband for achieving your dream.... it CAN happen - after 7yrs of working hard & incredible sacrifices, my almost 11week pregnancy can offer you some hope that it can happen for all of us long timers
I can also suggest that a read through the TTC journals on BB may help you out as well - there's a lot of girls in here who haven't done it easily - but are either still in the process or have just made it - very inspiring & also makes you incredibly hopeful as they're not just girls that have been through it once & were lucky
All of my best wishes on your TTC journey - and stay strong & be kind to yourself xoxoxo
Incomplete, for you and DH. I too think your SIL and her partner were insensitive to lump that on you without considering how hard it would be for you to hear. A simple phone call would have been more sensitive, without any fanfair.
Your post made my quite teary. I know that anger and rage very well, and it is completely natural and normal. I had three colleagues announce their pregnancies within 6 weeks of each other - two of them hadn't even been trying. I said "congratulations" and walked away whilst everyone else stood around talking about it. I nearly choked on my tears and my anger, and had a complete meltdown that night. At the time it seemed like I was over-reacting, but it's such a primal and deep feeling of need, desperation, frustration, anger and confusion - why them and not us?
Stay with your feelings and feel what you feel. Don't try and justify them or make excuses for them. And take the time you need before putting yourself in family situations that make you upset. Your SIL should understand, after what she's been through, and I hope she and your other family members do as well.
I wish you and DH all the best. There are no quick-fixes. Take care of yourself and DH, and surround yourself with supportive people.
Lady z had a good point/idea incomplete. You and DH are a family unit, (something my DH had to convince me of during our journey) and going away at christmas would be perfect to get you out of all get togethers.
I'm sooo sorry you felt like that and that it escalated into an arguement, but you're right at least you dh opened up, and you will both hopefully feel more united in you quest.
I had a similar situation occur, and I only handled it ok cos I was in a 2ww 'hopeful' period. (it didn't work out in the end). This friend hadn't even wanted children her whole adult life then announced twins...with more than one IVF attempt I think, but I thought all the more reason to maybe test the waters and see how we were holding up...not just announce it.
I've been there...we have all been there incomplete. Whole body racked with emotion, chest so heavy it feels like it's sitting in your abdomen...feeling so alone, so bitter, so so upset. Then you feel emotionally drained and exhausted. But posting on here, as you'll see helps to ease the pain, or maybe just shift it. People on here care..it's not just words, because they don't have to bother to respond to posts..they respond because they 'know'..they just 'know' and if you can imagine the biggest group hug you've ever had, this site will provide it. I hope you've managed to get some sleep over the weekend, take care
Last edited by airline; November 9th, 2009 at 05:11 AM.
: trying to get rid of signature
thank you soooo much for your replies everyone. I really needed to come somewhere where I wouldn't judged for my reaction and people would understand. This happened last Thursday night, I sent an email to a couple of girls on Friday morning and one of them shocked me with her response. Telling me to pull myself together and let it go. That my relationship with my husband is the most important and by causing grief with family it will make it difficult for him and I can't expect my family to walk around on eggshells every time they see me. You know there might have been an element of truth in some things she said but it came out so harsh and I thought for crying out loud, couldn't you just let me cry and give me a few days before give me your brutal honesty.
mumma mia - as for the horrible thoughts - yeh that's already crossed my mind...i was thinking they're only 4 weeks pregnant, anything could go wrong...and yeh I hate myself for thinking that.
Now it's been a few days since it happened, part of me wishes I had have done it differently, but then again I think, I have held this in for so long and put on a brave face with family for so long, maybe it's time they realised just how much this situation is hurting me. I thought today why didn't my in-laws talk them out of coming around in person, they know more of our treatment than my SIL does (for instance my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy a few weeks ago). Surely they could have advised them to be more sensitive. And if they didn't why the hell not? I was dreading my inlaws coming around on the weekend...I just keep feeling my MIL is going to be annoyed at me for what I said to them. I know they're stuck in an awful position, one child on cloud nine and the other (hubby) hurting.
I'm wondering whether I would have been as upset if they'd conceived naturally? I'm still annoyed at them, I wish they had have phoned. As for the birthday lunch next month...I'm pretty sure I won't be able to handle it, but I will see how I feel closer to the day. Maybe if I tell my inlaws beforehand why I'm dreading it they could maybe try and tell everyone to think before they speak (in a nice way). or we could come later when everyones had their little chat about how exciting the pregnancy is.
As for not attending xmas...again I feel like they'll (MIL and FIL) see me as the ***** and not understand. And as I said above, maybe I've been silly to try and keep it all in as to how it's affecting me. But then at the same time I feel angry and think why should I have to say how hard this is? Surely people can have some idea that it's not a walk in the park and some things affect you more than others.
Anyway, I have felt anger building inside me for so long (for many reasons), that I think I big bawl and scream etc was on the cards at some point. Might have done be some good. We're also coming up to our 5th year wedding anniversary and it pains me that we're nearly there and our life is not how I imagined it would have been at this point. Thinking about having a counselling session or two again, though we're in the process of switching IVF clinics, so it's a bit hard at the moment. My husband would probably suggest talking to the Christian counsellor who did our marriage counselling, but I really don't think I could handle having religion enter this at the moment. I haven't been to church in ages and if there is a God...well...just can't understand this all really.
Yes it's OK for them to walk on eggshells around you. But better still is to tell them what you need, because then there can be no confusion, and the heartache is lessened for you all. Plenty of people have given me great advice (I've had some rough times with ppl close to me having unplanned pgs and giving me all the details - I ended up hiding under my desk and sobbing one day) but that is the best. Talk, if you can manage it, write if you can't. Let them know exactly what you need. "I am happy for you and I want the best for you (because you do, you know it.) but I'm really having trouble expressing it right now because of...... [whatever]" to let them know what you need, maybe also include something like "What will help me the most is if you just keep it to the basics. I'm having trouble dealing with the details - it just reminds me of our struggle and makes me quite emotional"
I know you have those nasty thoughts - I think we all do, but some don't want to admit it, even to themselves. I had them about a friend, when she announced number 4. But then 4 weeks later she lost that baby and I was so so so so sad. Turns out I didn't actually want that to happen, not to anyone. The thought may cross your mind, but it's not genuine, it's just a manifestation of the hard time you're having right now.
You'll make it through! You and your partner are on your journey, and it is hard work. If you're honest with everyone and tell them what to expect, and they can't handle it - well, they're the ones with problems, not you.
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Didn't handle it very well...
Just let it all out here - we can take it.
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