Just wanted to share my story with you. I fell pg to my XH when I was only 19yo and we got married against my parents’ wishes. I had my first child, Ariani, the day after I turned 20. When Ariani was 9 mths old, I fell pg by accident. I miscarried and fell pg again the very next month. Shay, my 2nd child, arrived 19 mths after Ariani.
Only 2 months after Shay was born, I started getting nauseous. I went to see my doctor and found out that despite breastfeeding and never having gotten AF after the birth, I was pg again. We had just moved into a new house, were deeply in debt and my XH was in a low paying job. I knew I couldn’t cope with another child at that stage. Shay would have been only 9 months when this child was born. I went for an abortion.
2 months later (yes! it was crazy) I was pg again, despite using condoms! Again I knew we couldn’t have another baby so soon and went for an abortion. Right after, I saw my doctor and went on the pill.
When I fell pg again when Shay was 22 months old after a bout of gastro, I refused to have another abortion. We were poor and still struggling, but while I understood why I couldn’t cope with another child when Shay was 2 months or 4 months, I couldn’t say no to one who would be 2 and a ½ years younger than Shay. So Zaki came along.
All up, I’ve been pg 6 times in my life.
Because I’m human, I often look back on those abortions now and wonder if I’ve been given all the chances to be pg that life has got to offer me. I wonder about those babies I left behind and think that maybe I’m being punished for not carrying them when I had the chance, and that's why I can't fall pg now.
But how could it have been the right thing to have them if it didn’t feel like the right thing at the time? We could barely afford to feed two kids back then, let alone three. I ate rice and eggs for almost a year so that the kids I did have could have some good food. How could I do that if I was pg?
And why does life have to be so unfair that I could fall pg then at the drop of a hat when I couldn’t afford to have a baby? And can’t seem to now, despite medical intervention, when I am financially comfortable and able to provide the world to a child?
It isn’t fair, and it just doesn’t make sense. And that’s why you cannot blame yourself for any decision you made when it was the best decision for you at the time.
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