Reply With QuoteYep Danni, I've felt like saying that before too!
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I hate the "It'll happen at just the right time" it's like um yeah, easy for you to say, you've got kids or you're not trying so come back to me when you are having trouble and say that!
And the "7 months isn't that long" I know that, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.
The worse one is when someone announces they're pregnant and say "it was so easy" or "we weren't even trying" or "don't even know if we're ready for a baby yet" and then I feel like saying 'well give it to me then coz I'm desperate'
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Yep Danni, I've felt like saying that before too!
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Ditto - or, we fell preg by accident, didnt want it, so "got rid of it". Such a nice phrase.
My trying for 14months seems so small in comparison to what some of you guys have been and are going thru.
No words available - just hugs and prayers.
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Thanks, BWI realise that it also depends on the person as to what they wish to hear or not hear from friends, but it's good to know that, in general, the straight up rule still applies. It's such a sensitive thing to broach with friends who are TTC and every time I open my mouth to say something considered, I feel as if I maybe should have thought a bit more about it and maybe I've just exacerbated someone's anguish. But, by the same token, I don't want to pretend that all is well.
Pregnancy issues just bring out the moron (paradoxically, when they think they are being wise) in many people, doesn't it? I had a colleague tell me, about half way through the pg, "Your belly is so small, are you sure the baby's alright?"...need I say more?
When we decided to give TTC a go, we didn't do any charting or anything 'religious', but it took us possibly a bit longer than I thought. The thing is, though, I always kept in mind that my body might have other plans for me and not to take it for granted that I COULD fall pregnant. I still don't take it for granted that I can have more - when asked about another, I always preface and say that if nature doesn't have other plans...then outline the vague 'plan' we have. That thinking has probably made me more aware of what you guys go through, because, hey, it could be me, too - and I never assume that it's just my right to have another whenever I decide. I'd still feel ripped off, though, like you do :hugs:
I'm glad I read this thread - I've gained more insight, thanks
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We tried for 3 years...with no success.
We were so fortunate to fall pregnant at the end of last year...
I was so annoyed though when my SIL's mother, suggested that the reason I had finally got pregnant was because of my SIL's recent birth of her son (my nephew) and that it magically "triggered" something in my body...
I replied "yeah...it could've been that, or maybe the fertility specialist, numerous tests and medication I was taking!"
I was so surprised I came up with the answer so quickly!
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The one thing that makes me angry is "Relax it will happen" yeah right, or "The fastest way to fall pregnant is to hold a baby, then they "Throw a baby" at you to hold" even my FS laughed at that one
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I've been reading this thread carefully, but I don't have anything to add. Some of your responses are heart wrenching and I can't believe that some people are so insensitive. I hope I was never one of those people.
Anyway, just a question, do you feel like somebody is intruding if they ask q's about IVF IUI etc.... that you are undertaking? The reason I ask is that a close friend of my has just been referred to a fs and I am really interested in knowing what happens, when, etc.... but I don't want to seem insensitive to what she is going through - does this make sense?
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Jools, I think you need to wait for her to bring it up - sometimes we just don't want to talk about it, particularly if we're having a bad day and on those days the worst thing you could do is start asking questions.
It's not uncommon for people undergoing IVF cycles etc to not even tell people they are close to that it's happening. It makes it much easier on us that way because we don't have people asking questions every 5 mins and waiting for the outcome.
I can't speak for everyone of course, but that's how I felt. We told no one but my parents, not even my best friends.
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It took me 4 years to tell my parents and another 5 to tell my best friend. I felt embarrassed and so emotional about it all. After telling my parents I found it really hard because they were all over me when ever I saw them. Too much hugging and stroking and "how are you, dear?" and sympathetic looks. It was suffocating. I can look back now and know they were just so concerned for us and our feelings but at the time it wasn't what I needed. After 9 years when I finally told my best friend, she told me she had known because my DH told her DH years ago!!!! She said all the right things. About how she knew I would tell her when I was ready and admitted she had talked about it with other close friends and they all worried about me and my happiness. I know now that they were all being sensitive to me in situations like baby showers we went to etc. She has been great and I wish I had told her ages ago. I now feel I can say things whenever I need, not the big heartrending sob chats but just the little things when we are shopping, or with her kids etc. It made it a lot easier for me with her 2nd pg as well because she didnt know about our troubles with her first.
I guess there is no definate right thing to say to someone who is struggling with TTC. It depends on the individual and your relationship with them. One thing that REALLY bothered me was when a relative stranger came into my workplace and said she heard we were having trouble in that department (!!!). I wanted to smash her! And I wondered who we had told and who they had told etc (small town) I guess sometimes we want you to say something and sometimes we don't!
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I get it at work allll the time. So when are you having another? Aren't you getting clucky yet? Surely Zander deserves a brother or sister.... And this is from both customers & suppliers, at least the people I actually work with know we are having issues so they leave it alone.
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Hey Everyone!
THought I would say that I have been nodding my head as I have been reading through your posts!
I get the "you must be clucky now, when are you having kids" line all the time as a few of my friends have kids now.
Oh and people say to my DH - "hurry up and give her kids!" WHAT THE?? I keep telling him to tell people that he isn't the stork.
And I ALWAYS get "just relax and it will happen because we know what you are like!". This is the one that really peevs me off. I am quite an organise freak and plan everything and can get a little frantic when things don't go to plan so having people tell me to relax drives me bonkers.
I would just love someone to listen to me and not say anything except the occassional nod of the head and a Yes or No every now and then. No comments, no judgement. That would be relaxing!
Good Luck to everyone TTC.
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Hi all,
Keen, you're right about our friends & loved ones who say things with the best of intentions...yet it's foot-in-mouth disease to us. And yes Butterfly-warrior, the classic "relax, it will happen", or "it will happen when it's meant to" tops the list for me. I'm just scratching the surface compared to many of you trying hard. When we hear such comments, my sis (who lost a bub at 20w) & I just say to each other "When is that exactly?". (BTW, I've answered my own question below) Then we smile & carry on...like we all do. :-)
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The worst comments came from people telling me to "slow down" and not to work / study etc so much. That when I did we would get pregnant. Assuming that DH and I were unable to arrange our shifts for conception to occur. I also hate the "relax" and "take a holiday" comments. Worse still was when some asked if I would be slowing down or doing less after Caitlyn was born - as if my workload had anything to do with her death (and it didn't). That one received a rapid snap of "do you really think my working is the reason my baby died".
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I hear you Gargy but with one particular couple who we're close with that have been TTC for about 14 months, they're very sensitive about it.
I have my girlfriends with babies who I can be all clucky and talk about babies with but I'm leaving the ball in their court for the ones who are TTC so that they can innitiate conversation whenever they feel up to it. I know it's a particularly hard point for the woman in the couple because her hubby really want's kids really badly and if I'm talking to just him then we'll talk babies non stop and he always wants to pat my tummy but if we're out as 2 couples, I notice that he never mentions it at all. We fear the conception issue might be with her as she was bulimic for many years and had amenoria all that time because she got so skinny so we hope she hasn't damaged herself through that.
Even making a throw away comment about 6 months ago like 'well, this pregnancy thing going around is catching and you'll be the next ones' was enough to get her upset so we've learnt to just not mention it.
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Michelle
That is truly awful!
So sorry you had to hear such awful comments and such a difficult time.
Take care!
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One thing i hate now is - See, i told you if you would relax, and you would fall preg!
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The worst worst one I had was from a woman who got preg in the 1st month of trying.... " Well, I think I was MADE to have children " ---- LIKE i WASN'T ??? Last time i checked I was a woman !! That comment really hurt me for a long time and I cried really hard over that one. The person who said it is a sweet person, but it made me wonder if I have ever said anything hurtful to someone.... I would NEVER want anyone to feel like I did.
Heather
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Hi All,
The one that gets me the most and I hear it all the time is " Oh well just guess you will have to be foot loose and fancy free" and "Enjoy your marriage and husband as most people would just love to have that" , true there are alot of singles out there and there are alot of unhappy couple, but WE ARE HAPPY but we don't want to be foot loose and fancy free we want to be PARENTS we want a FAMILY. The other one i get is "Oh my dear don't you think you guys are a bit old for all of that" just because I'm 42 and hubby is 49 doesn't mean we are looking for buriel plots! Most of my friends have only just had babies or pregnant as we speak am I such an abnormality with my age???? The age one does **** me off! Or with all the thousands and thousands you've spent over the years you could have had a nice overseas trip or done that extension on the house or put the pool in - I would give up just about anythink to know I am going to be a mummy. Anyway I could go on and on just like the rest of you, but I try not to take any of it to heart to much as I know in my heart what we are doing is for us and to hell with what everyone else thinks.
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