What keeps you going?

[Joeve]

Ok after too many cycles to count and two m/c, one just 7 weeks ago I am starting to ask myself why am I still trying.
I have lost that burning urge I had to become pregnant since my recent loss. I use to "feel" raw, hard and tough emotions around TTC and I have none of that in me anymore. I don't even feel sad in my defeat if that makes sense.
To be honest I have not actually shed a tear about my m/c since it happened. I was hysterical the night it was happening to me, I cried for what was happening, for what was not going to be. But since then I have not cried, I haven't felt angry I have just felt devoid of emotion. I have had bad days and time out but I am wondering will the TTC emotions ever come back? You know the hope, the excitement, the frustration? Anything?
What keeps you going? What keeps you coming back for more? How do you 'feel' anything?

[~TT40~]

firstly *big hugs* and I'm sorry to hear about your recent loss. We all grieve in different ways, and no matter what way you do or dont do it, it isnt wrong. maybe you dont need to cry. maybe you thinking about it and contemplating where you are atm like you are by starting this thread is all you need to do.
I have never gotten pregnant, so not sure how a m/c would effect me... I have felt how you feel though, that we have been doing this for so long it is just a part of us and a part of our life that we do it cause it is all we know.
Hope is something I believe greatly in. Its something that I have based alot of my beliefs and life on. As long as you have hope, you will be ok, everything else will fall into place. Hope is like a ball, you hold it, play with it, bouce in, but you always have it to hold on to. if you loose it, by throwing it away, or giving it away to someone else you cant get it back. its in someone elses hands and they can do what they want with it. they can play keep off, they can throw it at your head. you loose control and you never know if you will ever get it back. and that ball is like a floatation device that keeps you going. so always hold on to it. even if you just pop it in your pocket to play with later.
I guess thats what keeps me going, because i have believed in that for my whole life. I've kept my ball for many many years, so its easier to hold on to it, even after months and years of BFN.
I have always known I will have children...when I dont know...but knowing that I will helps me...
In saying this it is still hard, and every month i cry and loose it. but i have hope it will happen.

I hope (i think im using it too much now..) that it happens for you soon, or that you atleast find some peace. *hugs*

[Gigi]

Joeve, can you give yourself a "rest" from trying? a break?

just an idea.

i'm so sorry for your loss.

[buffy1]

Joeve

I wonder if the numbness you feel at the moment is a coping mechanism - like a subconscious break from the raw emotions you described...? I think we can only take so much in one hit, and at some point just need to switch off for a bit. It's completely natural and very human. You've been through so much. I think the hope, excitement and frustration will come back when your mind and body is ready for them babe. I agree with Gigi, can you - and do you want to - just take a break?

What keeps me going?
I want to be a mum. I'm going to be a mum. And sugar, and sometimes booze.

What keeps me coming back for more?
See above

How do I 'feel' anything?
Some days I feel, some days I don't. Some days I feel up my husband.

Hugs, hugs, more hugs, and lots of love to you J.

[onthefly]

Sometimes the only way you can keep coming back for more is to take some time out for yourself first.

[Joeve]

Thanks everyone. I rarely do the woe is me post LOL.
I wish I had more time to rest and regroup, but unfortunately being a little older I have to basically get a BFP before August or jump into IVF or just walk away. I know time out would be good, I am just very aware that if I do that it could mean forever. If chose that I need to accept the timeframes

[Lily Dust]

Joeve being numb and no longer caring is a survival mechanism, its to stop you hurting anymore on the awful TTC journey I dont have the answers, wish I did. Taking a break can seem like the hardest thing in the world but sometimes you need that time to talk with someone and try to sort a few things out and come back stronger and ready to take on the world. I am sincerley sorry you are having to endure such a horrible journey and I do hope your forever baby isnt far

ETA: Sorry we must have posted at the same time

[Ladylove]

Joeve. Xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Mollie89]

My Dear Friend...



You know where to find me to have a chat, whenever you need

[RhiChiChi]

TBH, I don't know. I ride these waves of emotions day in day out - it could be that I am craving, wanting, needing to have another baby then the next day I am thinking of walking away from it all. Yesterday I was going through my DD old clothes, some were newborn/baby clothes & I just wanted to bawl my eyes out b/c I am keeping these clothes in the hope (?) that we will have another baby soon. Today, I don't feel like I need to cry - maybe b/c I was distracted, but I didn't feel anything. Tomorrow, well who knows what I'll feel - I'll probably be angry!

I'm sorry Joeve, I wish it were all different for you & your DH.

[snikkers1]

Jo: I wish I knew what kept me going at times but I don't, it's so emotional up and down and sometimes to much to cope with easier to give up and not feel anythinig rather than feel the pain hurt etc that can come along with it all. I like many have said have always thought I will be a mum, the waiting is the part that becomes to much to bear at times.
All I can say is there is no wrong or right way to feel and over time we build up defences to help us get through it all, defences to help us cope and I think that is what you have done and there is nothing wrong with that babe.
I wish I had some magic answer for you I really do as your journey has been an incredibly tough one, all I can do though is offer my support like everyone else and let you know that am here xo..

[nothing2lose]

Joeve, it's so freaking hard sometimes. I don't think anyone really knows what it's like unless you've been there.

Why do I keep going? Because I have to. Giving up is not an option for me. It scares me to even contemplate giving up. Part of me is motivated by my age - time is running out fast for me. But more than anything I want to have a child with my DP. I want to give him a child.
My DP is the best. He is an amazing father to my DD. He does more with her and for her than most biological fathers that I know (especially her own). After seven years, they have such an amazing bond. He really has changed our lives. I love him more than I can say. He has no biological children of his own and I want to give him this gift because it is something that he - that we - want so much. Partly as a kind of a 'thank you' (iykwim) but partly because we have such a good life and I want to share that life with another child. I know I already have so much, am so blessed, but (perhaps greedily) I really, really want another child.

[Gecko]

hello my dear friend first up i want to send you a big cyber hug xox

I would agree with the others... being numb and "no longer caring" is a survival mechanism in us...i think we would go mad otherwise...

What keeps me going i am actually not quite sure but I do know that i wont go on like this forever either as i need my life back too... I have a low egg reserve as you know and i am pre menopause which puts me in the over 40 category even if i am "only 33" so i guess the time factor is what kept me going all this time
So for me it's like now or never.... and if it has to come to the point of - never. i at least need to know that i did all i could so i never beat myself up thinking - should i have done this...would it have made a difference if i would have done that...it would haunt me for the rest of my life...

So i sucked up the pain of 3 years of TCC naturally and with Clomid... so i know i did all i could in that department ... now i am at the end of my road as i was told i have no time left and i will give IVF a shot... if it does not work i will have to walk away too but at least i will know that i did everything in my power right till the end if that makes sense...

So my 2 cents worth - stay numb and "not care" not obsess with TCC till August, which may take the pressure off things... and as much as we hate hearing it - we all know that pressure and obsessing is the biggest enemy when TTC...so let go for the next 2 month and just go with the flow do what feels right BD if and when you feel like it... and if no BFP comes out of it you can still cross that IVF bridge if need be...

Really hope it all works out for you in the end one way or the other . xoxo

[Yas]

Just wanted to give you a big Joeve.I think you have recieved alot of really good advice above, so i'll just say i kept going because i really wanted my DS to have a sibling....and i didn't want it (the TTC journey) to end with my very painful losses. i hope it happens for you soon xxxx

[Razzberry]

Sending you a hug xx Wish I could take your pain away..

[minniemouse]

i didn't want it (the TTC journey) to end with my very painful losses.

this is the case for me too, i don't want those loses and the pain that goes along with them to be for nothing iykwim

i find at the end of each unsuccessful cycle (like today) i think thats it i can't do it anymore, the 2ww takes such a toll on me analysing everything but then after a few days i pick myself up and move on with the next cycle, i guess when i can longer go on with the next cycle thats the time to call it a day

to you, it is so hard

[Saffy]

Joeve- big hugs to you first.

With the age pressure it is difficult to take 6 months off, I know how you feel. With each ivf cycle i do, I find I am less devastated by the 'failure' ( for want of a better word) and have just decided that I am going to push on until I can't do it anymore. Numbness is a coping mechanism and i am using it to keep going, because if I thought about it all too much I would probably just collapse. I have to believe I am going to be a mum, and just have to keep going, not burying the emotions but not letting them get in the way either. I don't know if its healthy or not but its just what i have to do. Some days I just cry a lot though.

Big hugs again to you, we are all lucky to have each other on BB and Joeve you are always so supportive to everyone xxx

[Clairesmummy]

Joeve~ Darl huge big cyber hugs to you, I just read your posr darl and how you are feeling is also exactly how I am feeling after my last loss, I am so sorry darl you have suffered another loss that truly breaks my heart hun. Like you when I lost my last bub in Feb/March I was gutted and a total mess but now I am numb from everything I can't find the drive to even want to DTD since my loss and feel like everything is just a waste of time with TTC. We have only tried the once since our loss and I have an appointment at a new ob/gyn in a couple of weeks time but I'm neither happy about new hope I am just numb from the heart down. I don't have any advice darl on how to carry on but I just want you to know you arent alone in feeling like that darl.