How to tell DH he's got himself a SAHM

[EllyBoo72]

Awwww Ryn If I was living where your are, I'd be happy to come give you a helping hand. I really feel for you.
Has DH always been like this? Do you think he is worse now because (as you mention) he is so unhappy living in that house he chose? Maybe he has lost interest in it, because he isnt happy there and thats his way of showing it? Hmmm Not sure hun, but men have a funny way about things sometimes.
I wish I could click my fingers and fix it all for you, but I cant so for now I will just have to give you a big

[Loveinamist]

I am sorry Ryn, but I think your DH needs to join the 21st century! I agree with the other girls. He should also be pampering you while you are pregnant not criticising!! He also better get used to dust and piles of laundry because a baby will take up all your time! My DH and I have also had the talk about me returning to work if we ever have a baby. I think he wants me to but our situation is different. DH is actually the one who does all the cooking and cleaning in our house. This sort of happened because being a teacher it was always easier for me to get a job wherever we lived and also because DH is just one of those get up and go type of people that is always busy doing something and sees mess and cleans it! So we have sort of agreed that if I want to stay at home then I need to take over more of the jobs at home. So recently I have started cooking some nights of the week and I now have my allocated jobs like the laundry, cleaning up the kitchen at night and cleaning the bathroom. However I know that when we have a baby we will share the load as much as possible and will try to prioritise jobs. No way am I going to be dusting when I have only had two hours sleep!

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Ta girls. He's already on at me getting a new job! So it looks like I'll be teacher training in September (taking Liebs with me to lectures!), although how we're supposed to do this with no car... anyway, doing my TT course then working full-time... unless he changes his mind.

His idea of "letting me take it easy" is to tell me he can't hang out the washing whilst I make lunch because he has stuff to do... like play on the 'net. Or sitting there playing games and asking for a cup of tea. Or when he does make me a coffee (always without sugar, but I'm getting used to that now!) leaving it in the kitchen for me to get. He was really upset I spent hours in bed on Saturday due to sciatica! Oh yes, and because I refused to clean all the windows and just lay there doing nothing while he did them. He just doesn't get the "in pain" thing. But he didn't nag me to vacuum this weekend and it did need doing (of course, he didn't do it) and I'm sure he'll have done the washing up before I get home tonight... well, he may do it after I've cooked dinner.

I'm just really sick of living in such a mess because I've left some jobs for him to do! I am sick of having to clean up after he's done a job, because he never does the washing up properly and doesn't even wipe over the work surfaces when he's done. If he cooks and freezes down food, he doesn't label what's in the foil container (despite me asking him to). OK, so all he ever cooks is Spag Bol every 2-3 weeks, but I still would label it! I'm sick of if I physically cannot vacuum the house I live in a tip! Oh, but he worked so hard by wiping over the windows and shifting the fish tank into the sitting room without any help - making me out to be the bad one! I couldn't walk on Saturday! I couldn't even flex my foot or roll over on the bed without feeling pain! OK, so I could hobble into the bathroom or the kitchen, but it wasn't comfortable.

Sorry, that wasn't going to turn into a whinge. But he's in no way considering that I could not work even for a year because he has decided our home is too small for three people. Three grown-up people, yes - for example, our home is too small to share with my mother. But it is large enough for two grown-ups and a toddler! I'm just sick of him not wanting to stay in our home any more - he was the one who picked it! Well, OK, we did so together, but he was the one who decided to buy a house last year and wanted the one we have now. And how am I supposed to work when we only have one car, public transport means he has to set off at 6am not 7am to get to work and I can hardly walk to the University to train, especially not with a buggy! Can't even get the bus at rush hour with that.

And then he wonders why I'm in a bad mood so much...

I don't think he's ever going to be OK with me not working, but at least with doing my PGCE then I'll have summer holidays at home and fingers crossed the training won't be full-time and mostly working from home... not that I'd like to see what my DH would do if I needed the computer for work and he had to get dinner! And so there will be 6m before I start my training (on pretty much full pay), 18 before I get a new job, and I'll want to be there a while before TTC#2, so Liebs will be 3-4 before any sibling comes along now. Then again, I was thinking Liebling would be almost 3 before a sibling came along, so that's not too bad.

So, sorry about all the rambling, I'll point out to DH that "working" on his car isn't work, nor is accompanying me to my scan this morning (so he should realise we've got a huge baby and I need to relax, but he still wouldn't say anything nice!), it's all playing with his friends, so he IS going to vacuum and clean the kitchen tonight. It needs doing: he is going to do it. And just watch the arguements start...

[Kar]

Oh Ryn. :hugs:
I assume this man has some redeeming features, somewhere.

[Bathsheba]

LOL Kar! I was thinking the same thing! Sorry Ryn... I know how it comes across when we vent about our men in here... it always sounds worse than reality... just had to laugh at that last comment... I won't say what sprang to mind... tad norty LOL

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

LOL, I'm thinking the same thing as Kar, TBH! I'm just thinking it's my hormones though - I just can't be bothered with anything any more and his constantly negative attitude is really wearing too.

Plus I'm sat crying because I can't even spell "argument" correctly in a post! So I am really no judge of anything right now. Might have to have a long talk with the midwife tomorrow and get her to write me a sick note so DH has to do something nice for me!

[Kar]

That sounds like a great idea Ryn. You need some TLC! Hormones are just amazing aren't they.

And I agree with Bathsheba - but it is SOOOOO good to vent about whatever is getting you down.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I can't believe what other husbands do, so I doubt my DH will! As for getting up at 8am... that is a dream. DH is up at 6-6.30 on weekdays and even if I lay in I'm not too far behind. You are so lucky having a cleaner - DH would never approve of that and has told me so... although all that would mean is I clean more so the cleaner doesn't see the house in a mess (at Uni my cleaners said I was the neatest person they'd ever had to clean for - but then they'd just come from a flat with 6 18yo boys in!).

I am going to stick up for him: he now washes up without complaint, although does leave the washing up until the night after so it sits around for almost 24 hours (I know he secretly wants me to do it still!); he does the DIY including fitting central heating and a new bathroom, which I didn't help too much with; he looks after the garden, which includes mowing the lawn and looking after the vegetables patch; he cleans the windows once or twice a year (we don't have an upstairs, so it's not too onerous, but still I don't do it, although he was upset I wouldn't help with this on Saturday when I was in bed and in pain); and he's taken charge of the decorating, that will start in a month or so and he's already requested my help for it, but decorating is hard by yourself and I've been wallpapering for years.

Looking at it that way, cooking every night, making all the teas and coffees he wants, doing the washing, sorting out breakfasts and lunches, looking after his friends who would like meals on a weekend, cleaning every weekend and getting all the shopping in isn't too much to do really. It's just mine are small, all-the-time jobs and his are big infrequent jobs - how many times do you fit a bathroom or change a boiler? Plus I do all "his" things, like washing up, when he's doing a really big job. He does cook maybe once or twice a month, and I wash up from that, plus I tend to do a quick wash up at the weekend after I've made him his cakes (he eats way more than I do, so I may get a quick look-in, but only if I'm quick!). I also sort out all the bill payments, but most are direct debits, so I only have to do the on-line banking once a week to make sure everything's tickity-boo. OK, it doesn't help that he won't lift a finger to help me when I'm supposed to bend over backwards to help him, but I just have more skills now - I'd rather know how to do the plumbing than know how to dust and I'm sure everyone else is the same! I also change the bed sheets but have recently started making him clean the bathroom: I just can't bend over that much any more! Plus the smell really gets to me. I've never had to clean the loo, but not having to clean his mess out the bath is very nice (I clean the bath the second I've finished with it, he lets the grime coat itself on).

His argument is that he earns more than me, but that will always be his argument because I have always been on about 3/4 of his salary! That doesn't bother me at all, just when he uses my work as a reason to not do housework or to claim that he's more stressed than I have a right to be. I think that's my main problem, I do know the housework isn't that hard, it's just too much at the moment with work stress, redundancy, pregnancy and housework. Plus the fact that he wants a shoulder rub in an evening and the one time I ask for a massage he "got bored" so stroked my back up and down twice, ran his fingers over my waist, then decided that was a massage! If it wasn't happening to me it would be very funny!

Just thought - he's told me that he doesn't want to be out late tonight (a thing with my work) when last week he was out until 10.30 and being barred from a pub. Stuff him, he can come home late tonight too, just because it's my work doesn't mean it's less important!

[MaryP]

Ryn,

Hope you had fun at your work-social and got to stay out as late as you wanted!

Being a SAHM with 3 kids, I'd find it terribly demoralising if my husband thought that he had the upper hand just because he earns more money than me (I earn zero, so this isn't hard!). If your hubby thinks he can win arguments because he makes more money than you, how is he going to treat you when you are on maternity leave and not bringing in any income? If I was you, I'd get this sorted out before baby comes. Having a newborn baby can be a thank-less job some days (but I wouldn't change it for the world!) - especially if you husband is not understanding of your contribution to the family. My husband has a stressful job, but he still understands that there is a different kind of stress involved in taking care of young children all day, and he is very willing to give me an occasional break (I go shopping, to the movies, out to dinner, etc). In turn, I encourage my husband to take breaks as well and he loves going for a long bike ride on the weekend. He also respects that although he works and I don't, I shouldn't be the only one getting up in the night/morning to settle the kids. When our babies were first born, I would get up for the 11:00, 2:00 and 5:00 feeds, but then he would take over early in the morning to let me sleep in a bit. I would still be more exhausted than him, but at least he would take some of it on as well.

You sound like a pretty tolerant person. I think you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that your husband doesn't like having to remind you to do your chores, but at the same time it is OK for him to leave the dirty dishes in the sink overnight? I'd say that there is a degree of hypocrisy working there. What if you told him you were tired of having dirty dishes in the sink overnight and can he please pick up his act?

I'm sure your husband is a nice guy and everything, but maybe he just needs a little fine-tuning. He may just need to be "re-programmed" a little.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Bathsheba]

Well said Mary! I could have written that exactly word for word! My DH also shares the belief that just because he earns more money that he shouldn't consider his opinions to be more valid when it comes to domestic life. According to you husband's philosophy HE would have to do all the domestic duties if he had chosen to marry a woman earning more then him? How would that sit? it's crazy of course.

Remember at the end of the day you can't change your husband but you can change the behaviour you will accept from him, and other people. If you allow it it's an endorsement for them to continue.

[*Belle*]

Ryn

You need to sort this out now, it will only get worse when you have a newborn trust me I am there at the moment and am struggling and DH is helping me a bit.

I too got whinged at for not having dinner ready when I was tired and pregnant, I tried my best but sometimes it just cant be done as I wasnt feeling well, and especially later towards the end of your pregnancy it will be harder. We got a cleaner I couldnt do this as well it was all too hard, if you can afford it can you get one? This does lighten the load of chores.

When you are home just after giving birth is he going to take time off work to help you and your little one settle in? I hope so. And that he helps you out by making you cups of tea and getting food for you while you are busy looking after and feeding your little one. This is very important as you will feel you need support when you first get home as feeding and taking care of the little one is overwhelming to say the least and then comes all the hormones also. I have a c/s scar im still recovering from 2 weeks later and DH has to do all the washing, pick things up off the floor cause I cant bend, pack the dishwasher, lift Julia for me when I cannot get up fast as my scar hurts and also he needs to have time with her also. I also need water while im feeding otherwise im parched. Will your DH understand that you will need his support? You need to make this clear to him. Re the maternity leave, I wouldnt give him any definate answer I think what you are saying now is good and leaves things open for you. My thoughts are with you, I understand how stressed you must be. Sorry if I rambled on.

Bel
xxx

[Lulu]

Yeah, a bit of reprogramming for this one mate.
This means you have to stop doing all this stuff for him. It is frigging pathetic that he actually complains the way he does. He would be laughed at in my house. it sounds as if he was either totally overindulged as a child or his father was a crappy role model who never showed him what it means to be a MAN. I'm not being sexist, (probably VERY old fashioned sometimes) but whining because your pregnant wife won't help you clean the windows defies explanation. Does his mates hear or see the way he treats you?

Sorry to rant like that but it bothers me so much that he makes you feel the way you do. Remember people treat you they way you expect to be treated, so stand up and start believing in yourself and your worth. Treat yourself accordingly. You are a big, glowing mamma to be and that is sacred. Be kind to yourself and teach him how to treat a lady....

Anyway a proper superwoman spends at least some time on the couch with a book and a box of chocolate!

MWAH

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Girls, I have to stop taking your advice! Asking DH to wash up after I'd made him dinner and lunch (yup, dirty pots from the previous night) and put away his clean, dry, neatly folded clothes is, apparently, me being a b*tch. OK, he did it a couple of hours after it was clear I wasn't going to, but still.

I'd given the house a complete clean (including shifting furniture), done the left-over washing up from Friday and Saturday lunchtime, baked a chocolate cake and washed up from that, washed a lot of his clothes and cleaned all his mess from the bathroom floor, so I figure that even if he does do the bi-annual trim of a couple of the bushes outside our back door on Saturday, on the Sunday he can still wash up!

I'm actually going to be at a birth centre for a few days post-birth so I don't have to do much; I'd rather be at home but at least I know I'll get my meals given to me and I don't have to clean up if I'm at the birth centre... just don't want to see what I come home to after a few days away. You should have seen the place when I came back from Austria a couple of months back - so much dust and dirt around the place it made me feel ill!

[MaryP]

Oh Ryn,

What is up with him? So he resorts to name calling when you ask him to do something. What if you called him an a@sshole next time he asks you to clean up? He isn't playing fair, in my opinion and name calling never helps anyone. Good girl for sticking to your guns and making him clean up.

OK, now for a little reality check: you don't just need him to be helpful and understanding towards you and the baby during the first few days post-birth, you need it for the next 10+ years. Also, try and get use to dust and dirt around the house - trust me on that one. With 3 kids under 7, our house stays clean for about a nano-second after the cleaners leave. I can almost remember a time pre-kids where you clean a room and it stays that was for a day or so (I sometimes fantasize about this ). With kids, it is a whole new world.

I agree with a couple of previous posters in that you need to teach him how to treat you. Calling you a ***** because you requested some help is completely unacceptable.

Also, after baby comes, make sure you leave bub with him for an extended period during the day (subject to breast feeding) so that he gets the idea that taking care of a baby is pretty full-on. Then when you get home ask him why dinner wasn't made and why the house isn't clean (just kidding, sort of). Finally, tell him NO MORE CAKES UNTIL YOU PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND TREAT ME WITH RESPECT!!!

Just out of curiosity, what does your family think of him?

[christy]

Ryn how about some books for him to read? Do you reckon he'd read them?

I think the other girls are right in what they are saying, but I know you know your husband best of us all.

You said;

I can't believe what other husbands do, so I doubt my DH will!

When I got pregnant the first time, the first thing my husband did was buy an air conditioner because we live in a very hot climate, the second was hire a house cleaner for fortnightly trips. In return I hired a gardener to mow the lawns. The third was he got books out about becoming a father, and what it means to be involved in the home life. He has always done a minimum of 1/3 of the house duties. Floors, dishes, cooking etc. I am particular about cleaning the bathrooms & clothes but he shares with everything else. Nowadays during this pregnancy he probably does 2/3 of house chores. Sound unbelievable? He's super husband... but I know that and tell him that everyday.

But I have to say, if you don't expect it of him, he can't expect it either. As far as relationally goes something HAS to happen. You will not be able to live under these expectations, and if you do you will be on a fast tract for unhappiness.

I don't know, but I do know that most people can be reasonable when you sit down and talk with them about expectations and what you expect from each other in a relationship & as a parent. BUT maybe he would be better if he heard it from other men?

There are some amazing books out for men in regards to what it means to be a man. Some of these books have changed my husband's view on a lot of things & I thought he was pretty special beforehand. One is Wild at Heart a Christian book but really amazing when read in the context of becoming a father. Others by Steve Biddough are amazing too but they have more to do with parenting than being a husband/father/man.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

My family thinks the light shines out of his @rse and I ask him to do too much - because one night, after I'd walked home 2 miles in the rain and started dinner, then they turned up for a visit (they live far, far away) and because I was running around making coffees etc for them I asked DH to chop up some swede for the stew... poor DH, having to do that! No mention that I'd cleared the house and made dinner and still hadn't dried myself, just that he was asked to chop some swede! He does everything his mum and my mum ask him to (ie he will climb ladders and fix computers) so they adore him. My dad only made dinner when my mum was in a birth centre after my sister was born; he also is another one who will b*tch at me or my sister if my mum's out to make lunch, so small wonder when I was two years old I got away with telling my dad that mum did make me choc ice and chips for lunch! FiL is pretty much the same with MiL, and my mum's dad was the same whilst my grandma was alive, although he can look after himself pretty well now, when he's having a good day (he has some age-mental problems now).

Just thought I'd clarify something - although I did ask him to wash up just before the F1 started, I did ask him to do that because he'd invited his parents round and I hate them coming round to a messy house so asked him to do it for that reason.

With 3 kids under 7, our house stays clean for about a nano-second after the cleaners leave. I can almost remember a time pre-kids where you clean a room and it stays that was for a day or so (I sometimes fantasize about this ). With kids, it is a whole new world.

My DH is about 4, I think - the house stays clean only if he isn't around and he kills himself laughing when he farts. I fantasise about a clean house and am really grumpy 'cos my DH hasn't been away with work for over a year!

Reading - good plan, except he doesn't read (he's dyslexic, and he has already told me he's not doing story-time, not only that but he prefers me to read to him... I guess story-time will be a big family event). I bought him books on marriage planning that he promised to read but I was the only one who read them! I think I'll go to the bookshop and order the Haynes Baby Manual for him, he likes car books (seriously, his latest bedtime reading has been a book on race-car suspension and none of the cars pictured have names like Frank or Joe). He's not even read the very insubstantial freebie books I've been given from the NHS; although I'll occasionally show him pictures from them, he's not interested.

You may be onto something with talking to other men, but he already thinks his brother is too "under the thumb" and it would seem that although he does more than my DH, he does less than the blokes I've heard about in this thread. Mythical blokes maybe?

[butterfly_warrior]

Mythical blokes maybe?

Ryn, they aren't mythical blokes at all! They actually sound quite normal to me.

My DH does most of the cooking, and a lot of the cleaning around here. The only job that is strictly mine is washing clothes, but then I'm fussy about that. Just like he's fussy about the way the bed is made (I'd happily sleep in a pile of blankets, he needs everything tucked in properly) so that's his job.

Yes, the house is messy and chaotic a lot of the time (I hate to think what will happen with a baby in it, too!), but household chores and responsibilities are shared.

What really did it for us was me being chronically ill for several years... If DH didn't do it, it simply didn't get done, as I was in bed barely able to take care of myself. A few years later I messed up my right hand pretty badly in a car crash - DH did EVERYTHING (including helping me wash and dress) for many weeks.

I do, however, know of another man who is just like your DH... He will sit and whine at his wife until she gets him a drink, etc, rather than getting up and getting it himself and offering her one at the same time. I don't know what the solution to the problem is (I'm sure my friend would also love to know if we find it!), but let me assure you, all the men talked about here are real men... Men who care for and provide for their families.

BW

[Charlyfrog]

Hi Ryn! I have just been reading this thread - omg! :eek: You poor thing!
After reading, I was having a think and, this may be completely left field and even come across as just plain loopy but bear with me
I'm wondering if there is merit in trying to flip this situation around - probably more for your sanity than anything else! Sometimes, focussing on the positive can help cope with the negative- by this I mean both you and your DH deliberately trying to find good stuff to think/say about each before pointing out each others failings.......maybe make a list of only +ve stuff (even if it is only 1 thing-to begin with!) and then read that list every day!! Just keep doing it and keep adding to it......this isn't a miracle solution by the way!! It may not even work - but like I said, being pg, it may be useful simply for your own sanity and hopefully reduce your stress levels!
Anyways, these are just thoughts so I am sending you big and hoping that this all works out for you both expecially before bubby arrives (and I hope you get gold class treatment at the birthing centre!)