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Thread: How to tell DH he's got himself a SAHM

  1. #37

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    Mythical blokes maybe
    Nope. The real deal here. It has taken communication and experience and love and patience from both sides, but my DH now does probably 50% of the chores and works full time.......it has taken 10 years, 3 babies, but most of all, lots of communication & respect on both sides...........

    Last edited by Lucy; October 2nd, 2006 at 09:21 PM.

  2. #38

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    Ryn - sounds like you're having a rough time at the moment. Your hubby is sure making things as difficult as possible for your relationship and your health, isn't he?

    My DH works 3 jobs - he's a pastor of a church, IT officer at a training college, and runs an online computer game site. So he's working long hours, yet still finds time to get up early with the kids most mornings, get them fed and teeth brushed, load the dishwasher, sweep the floors, pick up their toys and mow the lawns. He also fixes computers for people who can't afford to get them repaired.

    But I'd see the amount of "house work" he does as more "the norm" rather than an exception. And he had an absolutely shocking role model growing up (he didn't even have to pick up his dirty clothes or make his bed till the day he moved out of home age 20!!)

    If your DH doesn't like to read, is there anyone in your circle of friends who'd be a good role model for him? Perhaps he'd be willing to talk to him about it? That book Christy mentioned is a ripper.... maybe you could see if the author has ever made a DVD of it?

    I hope you and he can sort this out before your baby arrives. Firstly for your own sanity and for the health of your marriage, and secondly for the sake of your bub. One of the best gifts we can give our kids, I believe, is a healthy, strong marriage - an equal partnership where both parties play an active and vital role in providing a stable family environment (which includes parenting and job sharing).

    All the best Ryn.

  3. #39

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    Ryn if you have a boy, you need to start training him from birth. At least that way you will know the cycle won't be repeating itself.

    Mothers with sons, take note (and I include myself in that).

  4. #40

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    I second that Melbo!

    And even my daughter does probably more than her fair share... being nearly 12 she is almost like my nanny: capable of changing nappies, bathing Wade etc. Most of her friends from school don't lift a finger at home. It seems to me that their parents (who mainly both work) feel too guilty spending the precious little ammount of time they have with their children asking them to do chores! So even the girls are being raised as little princesses who don't need to lift a finger. Bit of a worry.

  5. #41

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    Oh I know what you mean. The parents are making a rod for their own backs and not doing their kids any favours either.

    My sister and I helped out around the house from age seven onwards. We also had a farm so we were doing outside work with the animals too. Didn't get pocket money for it either. Then after we were done, we walked to school in the snow, barefoot.

    All right, I made that last bit up.

    Sorry to hijack your thread Ryn.

  6. #42

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    LOL at the walking to school in the snow barefoot... wow how many of us actually did that

  7. #43

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    Walked five miles in the snow barefoot, uphill both ways. And was thankful for it. LOL, are there any parents who didn't do that?

    Whilst I don't agree with treating children as though they were navy cadets (écoute à moi, Papa!), I really can't understand the whole "princess" phenomenon that's grown up in recent years. Why give a 6-year-old a mobile phone? No matter which gender Liebling is, I'll make darn sure I'm not stuck making more beds until my babies fly the nest! Seriously, DH never makes a bed unless I tell him to, his mother even did that for him. It's not hard, and when I'm last up I can't complain, but when he's last up it's just dreadful to leave the covers in a mess all day.

    Next time he says anything (probably next weekend) I'll have a serious word with him, and it probably is worth charging him the £15 an hour a cleaner would charge! Especially doing the grocery shopping whilst heavily pregnant - I've told him that the next 5kg bag of sugar we get I'm not lifting.

  8. #44

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    I hit the garden centre over the weekend but having got the boys to put the stuff in the boot, I forgot I wouldn't be able to lift stuff out when I got home. My DH won't let me lift anything and he's away for a few days. Mentioned this in passing to my dad yesterday and this morning my Dad turns up unannounced, he drove all the way over here to lift three 30kg bags of potting mix out of my boot so that I wouldn't strain myself and wouldn't burn extra petrol!

  9. #45

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    Aaaawwwww Kar! That's so spesh!!!

    On training a child early....my DD, almost 2 sits on the cupboard in the morning with a teatowel and helps mummy or daddy dry the dishes from the dishwasher!
    (plastics only )

    And I'll give her pillowcases to 'fold' (term used lightly!!) and then she pops them in the cupboard. She will also help carry her clean clothes to her cupboard, I'll open the door and she will put them in (I've learnt not to tidy it up as I don't want to crush her little spirit!!)

    I came from 'we must all clean obsessively land' and DH came from 'you must not lift a finger coz I will do everything for you'.
    Thankfully, we've reached a very happy medium - we have a housework day where we clean both bathrooms/loos, vacuum and mop everywhere, do all the washing (weather permitting!!) and get it done in 1 1/2hrs together!! It's actually lots of fun coz our DD will have a go vacuuming and mopping!!
    DH is a shift worker and we have our own business but he too finds time for me and DD together and separately!! Plus! Keeps the house tidy with me!!!

    I don't understand the comments of, "when the child is older we will get them to...."
    - it's easier to train good behaviour early than untrain bad behaviour later to then retrain good behaviour!!!

  10. #46

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    Yeah I agree... we have cleaning time & Matilda helps mop the floor & she cleans her toys up with soapy water with me. She loves getting involved, but its more my obsessive nature on how clean things are supposed to be, but I have learned to let her help now & then I will finish the job once she's in bed.

  11. #47

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    Ryn,

    Have you tried grocery shopping through coles or safeway on-line? I love it, and use it about 2 times/month to purchase all the big, heavy and bulky items. It's been a lifesaver, especially right after the birth of my 3 children and during pregnancy. It use to only cost $4.95 for delivery (safeway) but now they have increased the price to $9.95 unfortunately. I will still use them, but not as often. They shop for you and then deliver the groceries all the way to your kitchen counter. Coles deliver to your front door. Shopping on-line takes a little getting use to - it took over an hour the first time, but now it takes me 15 min to do a huge fortnightly shop. They save your previous orders, so it is easy to just go down the list and tick what you want again. There are a couple of negatives: sometimes they do substitutions strangely - for example, Safeway gave me "infant formula - for birth to 6 months" when I ordered "toddler follow-on formula (12 months plus)", but they gave me a full refund when I called them (you can also specify no substitutions). Also, I prefer to shop for fruit and veggie at our local shop because it is so fresh there.

    Just one other piece of advice I've learned after 12 years of marriage. Bring up this issue with your husband when you and he are both in good moods, rather than waiting for him to **** you off again. I can't say I always practice what I preach here, but I always get a better outcome when I talk to my hubby about important things when we are both in a good mood.

    Cheers, Mary

  12. #48

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    Ryn i feel so sorry for you, and just reading through this thread, when my dp finally gets home from work i will give him the biggest hug and say thankyou for everything he does around here.
    Since dp and i got together i have had alot of health problems where i am passing out up to 10+ times per week and he has helped me through all of that, plus 3 pregnancies, he does most of the housework without complaint, he cooks and gets up with the kids on a morning when i've had a bad night.
    He has also started up his own business, which although was really tough in the beginning, is now starting to pay off for all of the hard work he has put into it
    And for the past 6 months, he has slept on the couch because i have sciatica in both hips and can't get comfy in bed and i toss and turn all night.

    I personally think you should print off what the other ladies have written about what their husbands/partners do for them and get him to read through it, because he will find that it is him that is in the minority when it comes to household duties, and believe me, you will have enough on your hands when liebling is born without having to listen to him [email protected]#h about where his dinner is, when you havn't had a minute to yourself during the day to have a shower.
    You are carrying his child, he should be treating you like the goddess that you are, not a free housekeeper.
    I'm really sorry if i sound harsh, but he is not being fair at all

  13. #49

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    Kar, your Dad sounds lovely! I was hefting round 10kg bags of soil by myself (sometimes two at a time) before I found out I was pg... maybe just after... I am used to lifting these weights and they don't bother me much. I just want to get my DH used to looking after me!

    I do agree with training children from a very young age - my mum always considered me "too young", then when I was 14-15 I didn't want to do what I'd nagged to do when I was nine! But I still love vacuuming and dusting, when I have the energy. I just don't like knowing I have to do them, or be nagged to have them done, when I don't have the energy or the physical ability.

    As for on-line shopping, I did try that a few years ago whilst at Uni. It's useless! The bags are so under-packed that they use twice as many as they need to (and I prefer the re-usable sort), the frozen stuff is never, ever the stuff I order, the fresh is all bruised and the meat-free stuff I get is often substituted for a meaty version. This was when we didn't have a car so I needed to do it this way. I ended up using the motorbike and doing the shopping twice a week just to carry it all home. Plus, the delivery charge is twice yours! DH has been told (and has agreed) that post-baby he's doing all the shopping - so I guess I'll get the wrong brand of food and bruised veg whichever way I do it! LOL, on-line shopping saving money; they substitute all the own-brand value stuff for named brand quality stuff and it cost me at least twice as much every month. The "no substitutions" once meant I had no frozen veg in a delivery and when DH went to the shops the next day there was lots of the stuff! It may be better now, but it's not something I'd want to trust again - the drop-off times were not adhered to, I still had to lift the bags from where they were dumped on the drive and carry them into the house, and more than once we had melted ice-cream in the summer. Sorry for the tirade, but I can do the shopping easier and quicker than I can order a repeat shop on-line and at least this way I know I have what I want... and heaven help anyone who comes between me and my tinned pears in SYRUP, not juice!

    Anyway, I will think about having a talk with him tonight... just trying to decide if I want him in a moody for a few days or not now! It's so much easier to wait until I don't care if he goes off on one.

  14. #50

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    Ryn, the advice about waiting until you are both in a good mood is good advice!

    Sure, your DH may become a little sulky if he doesn't like what he's hearing, but much better to do it at a time when he is actually going to hear, rather than get his back up and become defensive.

    Don't think of it as spoiling a good moment, think of it as a way to ensure that there are many more good moments to come in the future.

    BW

  15. #51

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    I agree with Suga. You should hire a maid! Seriously! What he expects of you is crazy.
    I also agree with FionaJill. You're not his mother and he is old enough to look after himself. God forbid anything happened to you, he'd die of starvation. Please don't be a doormat Ryn.

  16. #52

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    I am sorry Ryn, but I think your DH needs to join the 21st century! I agree with the other girls. He should also be pampering you while you are pregnant not criticising!! He also better get used to dust and piles of laundry because a baby will take up all your time! My DH and I have also had the talk about me returning to work if we ever have a baby. I think he wants me to but our situation is different. DH is actually the one who does all the cooking and cleaning in our house. This sort of happened because being a teacher it was always easier for me to get a job wherever we lived and also because DH is just one of those get up and go type of people that is always busy doing something and sees mess and cleans it! So we have sort of agreed that if I want to stay at home then I need to take over more of the jobs at home. So recently I have started cooking some nights of the week and I now have my allocated jobs like the laundry, cleaning up the kitchen at night and cleaning the bathroom. However I know that when we have a baby we will share the load as much as possible and will try to prioritise jobs. No way am I going to be dusting when I have only had two hours sleep!

  17. #53

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    He has been really good recently... he's finally realised I'm pregnant, I think! He's happy to let me snooze all the time and even cleaned up after himself once he'd done all the decorating on Saturday. OK, so I still do most of the cleaning, shopping and cooking, but he's a lot better at cleaning up after himself and if I don't do it then nothing is said.

    Of course, there's still the issue of going back to work, but we have ages to think about that.

  18. #54

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    Oh good to hear he is getting better! Did you talk to him about it or did he just have time to think about your earlier chat?

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