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Thread: Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

  1. #55
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    Our OB at the time said something to us how we must have been a very fertile couple! It was hard though...particularly thinking that we could conceive so quickly, yet suffer 2 losses in a row as well. We both thought how we would prefer to wait a little longer if it meant a healthy baby IYKWIM. It's not to say it will always be this way, so I try to tell myself that as much as we could conceive easily this time, it might not be the case for subsequent children. Obviously I hope it is, but you just never know. It's a pretty weird thing the ol' body! I always worried that it would be the opposite of course....that it would take forever.

    I don't think I'd be too concerned about the fact that your AF is a bit rough ATM. The body does need time to adjust and it can take a while before things return to normal sometimes. I think it probably is a good way to look at AF - that your body is recuperating in readiness for a new little life, i.e. your body is doing what it needs to do to physically recover and prepare itself for the future. I think looking at it that way does help you emotionally as well. Obviously if you find yourself getting really concerned about it, or you feel that your cycles are all over the place for longer than what you would like, then it's always best to go and have a chat to your OB or specialist about it who can really point you in the right direction. But for now, I'd just try to look at it the way that you already are if you can.


  2. #56

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    Hey Sarah,

    My cycles after my first m/c were all wonky too (have yet to see what they will be like this time!). Some cycles my spotting finished around CD8 or so, but there was one cycle there where I kept spotting up until CD20! Like the other girls have said, your body has been through so much, and it might take a while for things to settle down, especially as you were so far along in your pg. Also, it's not unusual after a m/c to find that your cycle has changed from what it used to be (a bit longer or shorter, lighter or heavier AFs). As Toots said tho, if you are concerned then have a chat to your doctor about it. At least that way they will hopefully be able to ease your mind a bit.

  3. #57
    meg Guest

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    Dear Sarah,

    I have just read everyone's posts. I have been away from the computer for a few days. I think your feelings echo so many of us in this thread, it is such a rollercoaster, having good and bad days, and then feeling bad for having a good day etc etc. I am sure Katelyn would want you to be happy and to remember all the beautiful things about how she felt in your tummy, and that it was a special gift, but her journey could only ever be short, and that you have your own journey that you have to live, and whilst your and hers have parted in our way, you have been touched by one another. I am sure that she knows that your journey is not just to be a mother to her, but a mother to other children. You will never forget her, and perhaps you will always be sad, and that is OK. I know I will always be sad when I think of all our little babies, and I accept that. I know that by ttc again this time, I had to let go of our little moonbeam, because I wanted another baby, I couldn't have moonbeam anymore. I have a woman at my work who is due a week before our moonbeam and I look at her with a big tummy now everyday. I have stopped comparing myself as I know that that is her journey not mine, and I feel blessed that I can enjoy pregnancy again from the very beginning, to get to feel a little baby growing inside me, strange as it sounds. It is hard to move on, but by moving on it doesn't mean you have to stop loving or remembering Katelyn, it just means there is space in your life for another baby, that you are opening the door for another soul to come into your life. We are not waiting to ttc again as I know that I want to feel a baby growing inside me, and to have a baby and I am not going to feel complete and fully happy until it happens. I just also know that for me, waiting would not take away the sadness or the fears of losing another baby, so we are plunging in again, and desperately hoping this journey will be smoother.

    I think you should do what feels right for you and be OK if you feel confused and unclear about what to do at some times. Ask your heart for guidance, or use your intuition by imagining that your eyes are in your belly and they are looking at the situation, rather than using your eyes in your head. I know that for me it sometimes helps to get out of my head and my continous thoughts, and this can be a way to connect to guidance that is not based on my grief and sadness. Take care in your journey. Meg

  4. #58

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    Thanks guys.

    Yesterday was my day off and i had a pretty good day at home. I had a massive cry. Which i think is good because i let some of what i was feeling out. Also i started working on Katelyn's photo album and am very happy to say that i think i am doing a very good job of it so far. It is going to take me a while to finish though. Sticking on little hearts one at a time takes awhile.

    As for AF it has finally disappeared. Yay!.

    Still stressing about conceiving again. I dont even know why. As one doc said to me "My plumbing works" so that is my mantra when i am stressed. Amazingly it does calm me down a little.

    Meg - It must be so hard having that woman at work. That would seriously be it for me i would have to leave. I wouldnt be able to stand it. I think that you are very brave to be able to get through that with a positive outlook.

    Hope that you are all doing well today.

    Love Sarah

  5. #59

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    Hey Sarah,

    Glad to hear that AF has finally left you! And that's great that you were able to have a day off yesterday and let all of your feelings out.

    Unfortunately, after a loss I think that quite often there is something to stress about in regards to conceiving again. I think part of it is not knowing what is going to happen in the future, and it is all of the unknowns that play on your mind in a situation like this.

    Keep taking good care of yourself :hugs:

  6. #60

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    Hi Angel,

    I dropped my work down to 4 days a week after Katelyn died. I just couldnt cope with working 5 days (not that i tried it but just knew i couldnt).

    I know that it is common to stress about conceiving again. After all if nothing had gone wrong in our lives we wouldnt be in this position. I just wish someone could tell me my future so i could just relax. I am stressing so much about everything that i am then worrying about throwing my cycle out. But then at the same time if i listen to my head i know i will get pregnant again one day after all we did conceive Katelyn pretty easily.

    Anyway thats my little rant for today.

    How are you going?

    Thanks

    Sarah

  7. #61

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    Hi Sarah,

    Yep, if only someone could give you a guarantee that everything will be okay in the future. I've often wished that! Not that I think I would believe them LOL, but all the same, it would be nice LOL. And just because it is common to worry after a loss, it doesn't make it any less stressful tho huh. And IKWYM about stressing about stressing so much!! LOL. It's a vicious circle.

    I'm going okay Just hanging about, waiting for my next OB appt on the 21st to see what's causing my high ANA levels and what's going on with my thyroid gland.

  8. #62

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    Hi again Angel,

    Did you end up going to your OB this week for your test results? Is this where the high ANA levels come from? If so what impact does that have on you?

    Maybe i have this wrong but i thought that you were going this week? Did it get resceduled to the 21st?

    Im going to my OB on the 22nd - Hopefully we will have good notes to compare.

    Love Sarah

  9. #63

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    Hey Sarah,

    Yep, I did have an OB appt on Monday. I found out that I have high levels of antinuclear antibodies, and also that I have a slightly overactive thyroid. The OB ordered some follow up tests, so we'll get those results on the 21st. ATM we're unsure as to if I have an autoimmune disease (such as Lupus) which is causing the high ANA levels, but the ANAs seem to cause inflammation around implantation and clotting in the placenta which could be the cause of my m/c's. The OB said I will have to take aspirin next pg.

    Good luck for your OB appt on the 22nd! Hopefully you will be able to get a good plan of action going!

  10. #64

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    Hi Angel,

    Im not really sure what to say.

    It is good that they have identified something that can be treated.

    It is better than going into the next pregnancy without this information BUT i know how disheartening getting a test result for something that is causing your babies to die is heartrenching.

    I said when i first found out that i had FVL that i would rather not have known what had happened to Katelyn. Now though i am glad that i know because the outlook for my next babies are that of any normal person with the right treatment. That is something to be thankful for.

    Also i know i felt angry at the time (i think i have said this to you before) about it being just Aspirin that could have saved Katelyn. I guess it might have made it a bit easier to deal with if it was a drug that actually has to be prescribed (such as heparin).

    Anyway i hope that you are feeling ok with everything.

    Let me know how you are going.

    I didnt get much sleep last night. Couldnt sleep so i got up and worked on Katelyn's album until midnight and then back to bed to toss and turn until about 3 i finally got to sleep. Just couldnt stop thinking about her. I know i have said this before but i will say it again - I MISS HER.

    On the brighter side my aunty send me a little cross stitch that she had made for Katelyn with her name and year and a little old fashioned pram on it. It is such a nice thought.

    Love Sarah

  11. #65

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    Well i have had a horrible weekend.

    I asked my mum and dad not to tell anyone about the FVL yet. There are a few reasons behind this. Firstly I feel really terrible that it was my body that killed my precious baby. Secondly i feel like a bit of a freak that i have this thing wrong with me. Thirdly I want people around me to remain positive about how another pregnancy is going to progress hence i have only told you guys and the two people i have helping me with my grief (i didnt know them before Katelyn was born).

    So anyway my mum rang me on the weekend and said "i hope you dont have a problem with this but i have told your grandad". At first i didnt have a problem with it but after a few minutes of thinking about it (after we had got off the phone) i felt very upset and angry. Why would she do this. Anyway after a sleepless night and lots of tears and frustrations i rang her the next morning and asked her if she had told anyone else. Well she has told my aunty aswell. She appologised and said that she knew that she was being selfish. That doesnt make anything better for me. I got angry and hungup the phone. I left the phone off the hook and went for a walk, 1 and a half hours that is how long it took me to calm down.

    I cant understand why she would do this to me. Its my personal information she has asked me several times what i wanted to do about it and i have always made it clear that i didnt want people to know.

    Anyway sorry for the ranting but i am so upset and hurt by this. I have enough to deal with other than this on top of it. I feel terrible. My dad came over and tried to make me feel better about it by saying mum was in the wrong etc etc. Doesnt she think i want to tell people when they say well there must have been something wrong with the baby it is for the best. I have lied to my husbands whole family (so that they dont have to have this stress through another pregnancy - you should have seen the fear on my MIL's face when i said that we had to see a specialist). That is the other thing. If anyone deserves to know it is my husbands parents it was their grandchild too.

    Why does everything have to be so hard? She is the person who should support me the most because of what she has been through but all she has done is hurt me.

  12. #66

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    Hi Sarah

    Families can do funny things at times. Maybe she thought that she might be helping you if people knew but at the end of the day that was up to you both to tell people.

    I hope that this week will be a bit better for you.

  13. #67
    Melinda Guest

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    Oh Sarah,

    You poor thing. I can totally understand why you are so upset. In the greater scheme of things this probably means nothing, but it seems to be those that are closest to you always hurt you the most! You know they love you and care about you and always want the best for you, but they can also do some of the most hurtful things too. Perhaps she felt that by telling those other couple of people, she was opening up a greater support network for you? But as you say, there are other people who deserve to know such as your IL's so there is that aspect to consider as well.

    I think the reasons for you wanting to keep this to yourself are totally valid. After I had my 2nd m/c I didn't want anybody to know about it either, but more people found out about it than what I would have liked and as a result I have suffered some negative responses when those people have learnt of this PG. Even those who knew about the 1st m/c alone have successfully forced negative vibes and opinions on to me about the PG and seem to assume also that something 'might' be wrong or 'could' go wrong which really don't help when you're petrified enough as it is. So I really can totally understand and appreciate why you want to keep this information private. I should also say that some of the people that found out about the 2nd m/c were not people we told personally or wanted to know....but they found out by people we did trust with the information, telling them. So I do understand what you mean.

    It was nice of your Dad to come over, but sadly nothing he can say can really undo the hurt you've been caused by this. It's not like the words your Mum said to those other family members can magically be erased. It might take you a little while to come to terms with what she did and to make some sense of it, but hopefully in time you will as it can be harder on you emotionally in the long run to hold it against her IYKWIM. It's tiring enough just grieving right now huh? Do you trust the people she told to keep the information to themselves? Do you think it might pay to talk to them yourselves and explain that you didn't actually want the information passed on to them and explain why, and ask them to please respect your wishes by not discussing the situation with anybody else? Sorry if any of this is coming across wrong, as I'm just kind of letting it all flow from my mind and out into this post! I just want to try and perhaps give you some suggestions as to what you can do now since you can't undo what's happened IYKWIM?

  14. #68

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the support. I honestly dont know what i would do without all of you.

    Pregnancy and Loss are such private issues. Like you said Tootie it hurts when people find out your personal health info when it hurts you so much just to get through everyday.

    Tootie - Im sorry that some people showed you negative responses to this pregnancy, they have no right. This is your life and the people who love you should support you in whatever choice you make in this life. And look at you (give your tummy a rub for me) you are about to have a healthy baby - that is fantastic.

    I have been wondering how you both are going so thanks for trying to cheer me up.

    Love Sarah

  15. #69
    kirsty Guest

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    Hi Sarah,
    Hope that you are going ok, I know it can be upsetting when someone else tells news that you wanted to keep quiet or to tell yourself. Was your Mum maybe looking for someone else to be able to talk to by telling your aunty? Not that that in any way excuses her for what she did but maybe she is having a hard time coping too. I can totally understand where you are coming from on the trying to relieve stress on people for next time around. I feel like that constantly & I know that my MIL will stress her head off when we are PG next. She was bad enough when I was PG with Alex after we had a premature birth with James, who knows what she'll be like when we are PG again!
    Have you spoken to your Mum again about how much it hurt you when she did what she did?
    Feeling that your body let you down is a big thing for me too, & I'm really scared about trying to have another baby. Guess I am a bit in the mind set that I had trouble going to term with James (he was born at 32wks after my waters broke at 31wks) & then with what happened to Alex, that maybe my body won't be able to manage a PG to term. But guess we'll have to wait & see on that one.
    Anyway take care of yourself,

  16. #70
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Sarah,

    You are 100% right - pregnancy and loss are very private and personal issues. In fact, as is any issue really, i.e. you have the right to have your wishes and privacy respected. Other people may not necessarily understand or agree and that's fine - everyone has the right to their own opinion. At the end of the day only you can decide what is best for you and it does hurt when somebody else passes judgement or doesn't respect your wishes, particularly when it is somebody that is close to you, and that you hold very high expectations of IYKWIM?

    It has been very hurtful to me the things that some people have said to me during this PG. A lot of people that know about the m/c's (or at least one of them) tend to be very dismissive of my feelings, i.e. they can't understand why I live in constant fear and am so anxious. It hurts that people can't just accept that (a) I am naturally an anxious person and (b) that having suffered a loss, it is only understandable to have concerns and fears. Some people also tend to be overly negative, either in things they say directly, or indirectly IYKWIM. Either way is just as hurtful and certainly doesn't help how I feel. All in all it's a very hard time and you do need support as you say. That's why these forums are great because there are people out there who do understand, even when there are people IRL who don't!

    Anyway, enough about me......I've prattled on a bit there LOL. As you can see it's obviously a very sensitive issue and I really appreciate having an outlet such as BB!

  17. #71

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    Hi Tootie,

    Can i just say thanks again for being there for me.

    I cant believe that people would say negative things to you during a new pregnancy. I mean i believe you,i just cant understand why people are so hurtful. I totally understand that this is a big issue for you. You need all the support you get from the minute that you find out that your baby has passed away right through TTC and onto a whole new pregnancy. I wish i was still pregnant with Katelyn because i would only be 2 weeks behind you in pregnancy terms.

    Anyway hope you have a good day and the anxiety isnt getting to much. I am here for you too if i can help in anyway just ask.

    Sarah

  18. #72
    Melinda Guest

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    Sarah,

    It's absolutely my pleasure. If I can help in just a teensy tiny little way, then I'm happy.

    I don't understand why people are so hurtful either....it's been really hard for me to bite my tongue on occasions as well, but I've figured that the sooner I can just remove myself from the situation the better, so I usually try to cut conversations extremely short where people start to say inappropriate things!!

    The anxiety levels are pretty high, but I'm trying to deal with it the best that I can - thanks so much for asking after me, it's lovely that you did and it's nice to know that other people are thinking of you!

    I hope that the remainder of the week is much better for you.

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