Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

Hey Sarah,

I hope you are feeling a bit better now. It's no wonder you were upset and hurt about your Mum telling your rellies about the FVL. You haven't even had time to cope with everything yourself, so I imagine it just makes you even more stressed worried about what other people are saying or thinking.

Thinking of you :hugs:

Thanks Angel,

I am feeling a bit better now that i have typed my feelings out IYKWIM.

I think what worries me the most is that people will assume that because i have this i am not going to be able to have kids.

I AM GOING TO HAVE A BABY TO TAKE HOME AND LOVE - I am feeling very positive about that. BUT i cant feel very positive if other people know and bring me down.

Anyway i have said enough about that.

How are you?

Sarah

Hey Sarah,

Have you had a chat since to your Grandad or your Aunty? I hope that they will be very supportive of you now that they know. It's times like these that you need the support of those closest to you. It's sad that sometimes people unthinkingly say hurtful things, like assuming your won't be able to have children because of the FVL. I really hope that you don't have to deal with people who say stuff like that, and I hope that you have a baby safe in your arms very soon!

Nothing much new with me just yet, but I think some of my undealt with emotions from the m/c are coming out in some rather freaky dreams LOL.

Hi Angel,

Sorry to hear about the bad dreams but i totally know what you mean. Last night i had this dream that there were two things at the bottom of the ocean that i was trying to save. I dived down and pulled them up at the same time and one was my grandad. He was lying in my arms (you know as if i was a lifesaver) and he looked exactly how he looked in his coffin (hat and all) all of a sudden he opened his eyes and i was crying and saying dont you leave me now grandad. Then Rowan came in and work me up before the dream got any further but i guess the other person i was trying to save had to be Katelyn i just didnt get to see it or couldnt let myself see it. The whole water thing might have something to do with watching 60 minutes on the titanic last night LOL.

I hope that you dreams are good ones. Not that mine was good. Do you want to talk to me about your feelings? I am more than willing to lend and ear if you need it. I want to try and support everyone as much as they are supporting me.

I havent spoken to my grandad or my aunty i guess i am a bit embarressed about having FVL. I dont really want to talk about with anyone hence the whole not telling thing. Im sure that they think everything will probably be fine it just wont be easy for me. Which is true i guess.

Oh well - Another day another tear.

Love Sarah

Sarah, hope you are doing OK, sounds like you have been having a really rough time. I am a bit of a vivid dreamer too and it is horrible when they are quite traumatic. I guess for me though, they can sometimes give me a message to move on something, or make me more aware of something in my life. I hope something good can come out of it for you.

Sounds like your mum and my mum should get together. My mum has told so many people about what is going on for us. She thinks that that is OK b/c being my mother, she is going through grief too, for me and for the loss of a grandchild. I do acknowledge that, and I know it is her way of coping, but it can be a little difficult. I doesn't worry me alot in the sense that I think that the more m/c is talked about the less stigma will be attached to it, it is something that does happen, it is nobody's fault, none of us wanted this to happen, it just does. I know that many people don't feel like that and you have to work out for yourself who you do and don't want to know, and for your mum to respect your decisions re that. For me that I know that having something wrong in a sense made it better, it was explainable, and I think my mum totally grabbed onto that, she loves a diagnosis that she can tell people about. I think it has also made it a little easier as, as with your case, it is treatable and I really emphasise that, so there is no reason why you and I can't have a healthy pregnancy and hold a healthy baby in our arms. I think b/c there is a treatment it makes things more positive, rather than negative. I wonder if you focus on the treatment with your rellies now that they know, they will be positive about your prospects. I think that by them knowing, perhaps they will be better able to support you??

I know that I too went through a stage of blaming myself, hating my body for letting me down, and that I killed our babies, and it was an awful way for them to die, to not have enough blood flow and to be unable to grow. I know this sounds harsh, but I really did feel that. I think these feelings just pass with time, as I feel fine with my body, and whilst I am still scared and do have a greater chance of complications, I can make it.

We will get there, if not just sheer determination, and with the right treatment we do have good prospects. We will have our babies! It sounds like you relly believe that which is fantastic. Don't let anyone shake your faith in yourself and your destiny. Take care and hope tomorrow is easier for you.

Hey Sarah,

Sorry that you are having issues with your Mum telling people. I'm sure she means well, but I understand that you don't want her to spill things you aren't ready to share.
I hope that you and her patch things up. It's so hard to not take peoples negative attitudes to heart, but I hope that you are able to create a positive atmosphere for yourself and your next pg.

Angel...I hope your dreams aren't too freaky. I know for me, the few seconds it took to realise it was a dream were almost as bad as the nasty dreams. :hugs: and I hope they don't keep reappearing. Things will work out, especially now you are closer to getting some answers. Have you had any more contact from the morons at the hospital?? I wanted to ask yesterday, but i wasn't sure you'd be comfortable talking about it and I didn't want to upset you.

I'm with you in the sheer determination thinking, Meg. IT WILL HAPPEN!!!!! I won't accept that we will never have a baby of our own.

Hi Sarah

Hope you are feeling a bit better. I can certainly understand why you would be upset about having something so personal shared against your wishes. I won’t speak for you, but I can imagine that it would be difficult enough to come to terms with the FVL on top of the loss of Katelyn without having to worry about what other people are saying and thinking as well. You just don’t need any extra burdens to deal with at the moment, I’m sure. Hopefully now that more of your family do know, they will have some understanding of the anxiety you will be feeling during any future PG’s and will be able to support you through it. It might have even given them some insight to what you are going through and dealing with at the moment. I know that doesn’t make up for the way they found out but hopefully, rather than bringing you down during your next PG as you fear, they will be a bit more sensitive to the issues you will be facing.

I know it’s easy for me to say, but I’m sure that no one would be judging you or thinking that the FVL is something for you to be embarrassed about. While it’s frustrating and heartbreaking that your body hasn’t worked the way it was supposed to, I’m sure you would have done anything in your power to save little Katelyn had you known what was happening. Your love for her shows through in your posts and if I can see that through a computer, I’ll bet that anyone who knows you would see it too and would believe the same thing. As I said though, I know it’s easy for me to say and I certainly don’t want to tell you how to feel.

Anyway, I hope you are doing ok. Am thinking of you and sending you :hugs:

Hi Sarah,

Your dream actually sounds a bit similar to one of mine, in that we were both trying to save people. In my dream 2 people died. I couldn't see the first person, but the 2nd one was my DH, and I tried to do everything I could to save them (CPR, mouth to mouth etc) but nothing would work. I felt quite distressed when I woke up actually. I think my dreams lately relate back to my miscarriages a lot, feeling that I should have been able to save my babies somehow.

I guess it'll take time for us to come to terms with our losses, and dreams are just one of the ways that our minds work through the grief. Maybe there is something to the whole saving people thing, as we both had quite similar dreams it seems.

Hope you are having a better day today.

Zola, the dream I had last night was that one of my cats 'stole' my pg and gave birth to my baby as a kitten (and I was even trying to feed it LOL) so I was pretty sure straight away that it had been a dream LOL. But yeah, some of them, where you dream that you have a baby in your arms can be pretty distressing when you wake up and realise that it's not real. I haven't heard from the hospital again yet. I sent them another letter last week, so maybe I'll hear back in another week or so. I'll let you know how it goes

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the support - I dont know what i would do without you all - Probably go insane i guess. Its amazing how supportive we can be to each other.

Meg - LOL about our mum's. That made me laugh im sorry that your mum has hurt you too. I know they dont mean it. I think about how much i love Katelyn and that my mum loves me that much then she wouldnt mean to hurt me. KWIM? Thanks for being so positive about everything you really "picked me up" when i needed it.

Zola - Firstly, how are you feeling? Have you got rid of the dreaded lurgy? Hope you are feeling better. Thanks im sure that we will patch things up - we are really very close she just gets on my nerves sometimes you know. But i am sure that's normal.

Becc - It took me a long time before i could post to someone else (because i was feeling so low myself i didnt think i could help anyone). You did a great job. Thanks for caring about me because i know how hard it is for all of us at the moment. I read what you wrote about going for a walk in your other post. That was the thing that the chaplin from the hospital basically forced me to do. And i have found that it really helped. I get up early (far too early) and walk my husband to his parents for work, that way we get in about 25/30 mins together before we start our days which is really really nice. Then i keep walking for about another 40 minutes. Just around the houses etc where we live. It is quite bushy and i saw two small kangaroos sitting as i walked past the other day. I stopped and looked at them for awhile. They were so beautiful and peaceful and only about 2 meters away. There are also lots of ducks around and i really like it. It helps me to put my head into order for the day. And it also forces me out of the safe haven that my house has become. Hope you are having a good day too.

Angel - Isnt it funny about our dreams it must be about saving people that we couldnt no matter what we did. With my grandad we had to turn off life support and they tried for ages before that to keep him here. One of the books that i have on pregnancy loss said about saying goodbye gradually is our way of protecting ourselves because we cant face it all in one go. Last week i had a huge cry (i mean huge) and its funny that you can be so distressed and then feel better because i let everything out. It didnt take away the hurt and sadness but it did make me feel a bit more at peace with everything (which was then destroyed by my weekend). I hope that you are ok.

On a side note my mum just gave me a letter saying how sorry she is and how much she loves me. At least i am lucky that i have my mum here at all.

Thanks again you guys have made me see that maybe people knowing isnt such a bad thing after all. I still dont want them to know but what's done is done. Hope you are all going well today.

Lots of Love Sarah

Hi Sarah,

Glad to hear you are feeling better. I’m doing ok too. I find that I tend to go through stages. I generally just plod along, dealing with things on a day to day basis but every now and then I hit a bump along the way. I usually work my way through the bumps and move on. I hit a big bump a couple of weeks ago though and found it pretty hard to get over. I think it was brought on by a few things. I pretty much lost it on Mother’s Day and struggled to cope for a few days after that. Then we hit the three month mark since Georgia’s death which threw me also. Then we started the process of buying our first home. That in itself is a good thing, but I think the prospect of all the change and the fact that I had to make major decisions was playing on my mind a bit. (I’m not particularly good with big decisions at the moment). I think that I have managed to come to terms with things though and have made it over this particular bump – back to taking things one day at a time.

Does any of that make sense?! I’ve just read back what I have typed and while I know what I’m trying to say, I’m not sure anyone else will!

I agree with you about the walking. I have always enjoyed walking for exercise, but found it a bit hard in the early days after losing Georgia to make myself go outside. I’m back into it now though. I get out for a walk every day and find that just being out in the fresh air helps me. Like I said in another post, we live near a bay and I find walking along the water very peaceful. Whereas before I had trouble leaving the house, now I feel a bit claustrophobic if I stay inside all day. I suppose that is a good thing, just another step in moving on.

Hope your day is going well, chat again soon.

Hey Becc,

I know what you are trying to say. I must say that you sound better than me at the moment - which is a good thing!

I know what you mean about mothers day aswell. I think that will always be a hard one no matter how many other kids we have. Im coming up to the three mark at the moment (28th of March was the day Katelyn was born). Then her due date is the 25th of August and that is going to be really really tough. Im not sure if you know but we are trying to conceive again now. Hopefully by the time Katelyn's due date comes around we will be growing her little brother or sister. Well i really hope so anyway. It might make things a bit easier to deal with.

It is really good news about you buying your first home that is very exciting. We live on a bay too. Although it is pretty big. Sometimes i go down to the water to walk on weekends. It is only about 5 mins drive but at the moment i dont like bumping into people who knew that i was pregnant. I am sure that you understand that.

Well hope you are having a good day.

Sarah

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Becc and Sarah - what you both have said in your posts made complete sense. Honestly, it is very hard to make decisions when you have suffered a loss and are grieving. It's difficult to make a decision about what to have for dinner, let alone anything else. Everything feels like a major hurdle and like it's simply too hard. Anniversaries are also very tough times and there is more than just 1 - the first is generally the hardest however, but there are EDD's, Christmas, Mothers Day, Fathers Day and any other special occasions that you celebrate. They are all a reminder that there is someone not there that should be IYKWIM?

My DH too had to do a lot of explaining to people and it was emotionally very draining on him, and in the end he seemed to just go into auto-pilot where he'd say exactly the same thing to everybody and that would be it. I don't blame him for doing that either because I can't imagine what it must have been like for him reliving it time and time again. It was hard enough for me to just hear him doing it IYKWIM!

Hi Tootie,

You made me laugh about the whole what have for tea thing. That is so me!!!!!

Thanks for the reassurance though. Like i have said before it helps to know that you are "normal".

Cheers

Sarah

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Hey guys,

Normally I would always decide what we would be having for tea but I seriously couldn't do it anymore and poor DH had to start making those decisions and cooking it as well. He normally helps out with preparing dinner when he's at home from work but generally is only in charge of cooking certain things which I'm crap at LOL (he's great at cooking steak!). So the poor thing was coming home from work and having to make a decision on what to have, preparing it and cooking it. It really helped though because otherwise I probably wouldn't have eaten at the time!!

Hi all

This is a bit sensitive but i wanted to ask your opinion on something.

I was talking to my contact from SIDS and KIDS yesterday on the phone. I was saying that i think that i am dealing with everything ok (well the best that i can) but the only thing that i thought that i have a problem with is talking to and seeing people. I feel like i dont want to talk to any of my friends or family, i feel reasonable happy if i am on my own or with Rowan . I know that this sounds bad but i guess it is just a way of protecting myself. I know that it is bad but i am trying to work on it but it is so hard. Anyway Jacki said that it sounds like i have a bit of depression. I know that my docs were talking between themselves about keeping an eye out for postnatal depression after Katelyn was born but none of them have mentioned anything to me. I also want to say that i get out of the house. I have been walking at least 1 hour everyday and on the weekends i like to go to the movies with my hubby, i can laugh and smile about some things but the sadness is always there. We live in a pretty small town so we go to the nearest city to do some shopping (and the movies) and we usually run into people. Its just that i dont feel like dealing with other people i am just happy being with Rowan on my own whether we are at home or out. Its just that she has got me worried that maybe i am not handling this the best possible way? Any suggestions or comments?????

I kind of just think that this whole thing is so huge for me at the moment. With deciding on the treatment, worrying about the needles, worrying about getting pregnant again, worrying that because last AF was around for longer than usual that my hormones are out of wack, worrying about what to do about my mum's actions, worrying that another baby will make it, worrying about what my dad's test results say. I guess that there is alot on my mind at the moment.

Thanks guys

Sarah

Hi Sarah,

I think it's hard to say as people react/cope with grief in so many different ways, but it is possible that you have a bit of depression. You've gone through so much lately so it's no wonder that you may not be coping so well. Perhaps you could talk to your SIDS and KIDS contact about seeing a counsellor? They can really help you sort out your emotions, and will be able to help whether or not you are suffering from depression. Often it helps just to have a professional to chat to about things.

I hope your Dad's test results come back okay. :hugs: