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Thread: Baby Lost - Heart Broken (Factor V Leiden responsible)

  1. #127

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    As for me i had the most amazing appointment with my OB - or should i say the interigation because i fired off so many questions im sure that i came across a bit mad!!!LOL. So anyway we talked about Katelyn and FVL and then came around to discussing what we will do with the next pregnancy. I asked him what his plan would be for me and he straight away offered more than i would have asked for. I will be getting 4 weekly ultrasounds until week 28 when this will change to fortnightly. He also wants to do doppler analysis on the blood flow through the placenta, he has not hesitation on delivering early if he suspects that something is wrong. At this stage he will want to induce me at 38 weeks if the baby looks well rather than waiting. All of this i was very happy about. He also told me that the specialist in Perth is practically a world expert on FVL and clotting in pregnancy so i feel very lucky to be seeing him at the end of July. My OB is even going to ring him in the meantime with some of my more indepth questions so that i can try and relax a bit. What more could i ask for. Also they used to work together so i really feel that i will be in the best possible hands next time around. Even though he delivered Katelyn we didnt meet him until after we found out that she had passed away. So now all i need to do is get pregnant.............

    Also he only charged me $61 for 1 and a quarter hours!!! It was cheaper than going to my GP!


  2. #128

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    Last edited by Bec77; December 21st, 2007 at 08:05 PM.

  3. #129

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    becc,

    Yes we are 2 hours behind you.

    Same plan hey - interesting. I guess that there is not much more than that, that they can do. Other than having an ultrasound machine and technican installed in our homes! I think if they did that though i would be on it 24/7 for the 9 months!

    Ok so you said that you are not sure if you can go back to your OB. That is totally understandable. I get the feeling you think that he should have handled things better?? Im sorry if you feel that way - that must be very hard to deal with.

    Thanks for the encouragment about a full term health baby not being too far away. I honestly belive that things will go our way next time - surely this couldnt happen again......and i have to cling onto that because i am fully aware that i wont always feel so postive during the pregnancy.

    I had a huge cry over the poems and everything aswell. Im sure all of us did. I am totally bummed though because i forgot to bring the two that i have in too post. Well i will do that tomorrow.

    I have to totally (and whole heartedly) agree with what you said - I have to admit though, that as much as I want to let go of the sadness and move on, sometimes I find it hard to because I feel like if I let go of the sadness I'm letting go of Georgia IYKWIM? I feel exactly the same about Katelyn - i want to move on and be happy because i know that is what she would want. But i also cant let go of the sadness that i feel for her. I guess it may always be that way. I am searching for away to be at peace with this. Meaning that i can accept that i will always miss and love her but in a way that i can enjoy remembering her without the intense pain. I guess that this may come in a few years......only time will tell as they say. I once said that i didnt want Katelyn to become my past that i always wanted her to stay my present. I think now that she will always remain my present because she will always be with me. She is a part of me and that will never change.

    This is just so hard isnt it. Trying to find a balance of how to mourn our little ones and also try to be happy for us, our partners and our friends and family.

    Well talk later.

    Sarah

  4. #130

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    Angel - i have been thinking about you....How are you doing? I hope that you are going ok.

    Tootie - I just wanted to say that i have also spoken to my OB about the post natal depression thing. He says that he doesnt think that i am depressed just grieving, which he also said are very similar. I did mention the whole thing about not wanting to associate with other people right now because i cant cope with their trivial stiff. He said to me that have i considered that i have the big picture right and that the people around me are wrong in forcing me to get over it because it will make them feel better - how is that for support !!!!! Also i discussed it with the chaplain after i saw the OB and she agreed with the whole grieving not depressed scenario. So that was nice to here. I see you are 33 weeks today - well done.

    Love Sarah

  5. #131

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    Last edited by Bec77; December 21st, 2007 at 08:06 PM.

  6. #132
    Melinda Guest

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    Hello me lovelies,

    Sarah - I am soooo glad that your appt went well with the OB and that you were able to get some answers and direction! It really makes a difference to how you feel doesn't it? I'm really thrilled for you! I'm also glad to hear that you discussed the whole PND thing and that you are feeling comfortable on that front too. I really think you are doing a marvellous job in terms of expressing your feelings and I'm glad to hear that the professionals also agree with how you are feeling and that it is grief and not PND. It's right to say that the both are very similar (as we discussed before) but different at the same time and personally I'm really pleased that everything is going along positively for you as I know you were pretty worried about the appt (understandably!).

    Becc - I can understand if you wouldn't want to go back to the OB you saw. We found it too difficult to see the OB we were seeing for our 2 m/c for a number of reasons. She didn't want to answer our questions and was very dismissive of our situation (and my soaring anxiety levels) and we found her staff also very insensitive. We also felt that we couldn't go back to her rooms even.....every time we'd been there, we'd been given bad news so we really felt for that reason that we also had to move on. Obviously everyone's reasons are different, but I just thought I'd share ours with you. I must say that seeing someone new has been really good for us as he has a different approach and has been really accommodating of our needs, which I guess have been more demanding than those of others IYKWIM?

    Becc and Sarah, I truly believe that beautiful little babies are just waiting to come into your lives. You have been through such a terribly tough journey and continue to travel upon a difficult road, yet you have shown just what wonderful Mum's you both are! I really think you should both be very proud of yourselves for how you are handling yourselves in the midst of such turmoil and grief and for expressing your feelings so well, which helps not only the both of you, but also in turn helps many others out there with similar experiences! You both have ups and downs which is understandable, but I can see some really positive things in posts from both of you and it really warms my heart!

  7. #133

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    Becc,

    Firstly you know not to worry about the length of your post. I am only too happy to exchange feelings with you so dont appologise.
    I know the feeling of when you start writing and all this other stuff just comes out!

    I think that we are both actually aiming to be at the same place with the feelings about our babies. Mind you we both lost them in the same month (march) so this is probably not too unusual.

    I hear what you are saying about your OB becoming a little too complacent with your care. Im just so sorry that you feel this way. The first thing that sticks out is that you trusted him, and why wouldnt you of. Like you said he is a so called expert in his field and you and i are both so new to this pregnancy business so if the doc says its fine then it is fine. Most women would be the same.

    The day that we found out that Katelyn had died i had only made a special appointment with my GP because i felt a bit off something wasnt quite right but i couldnt place it. He spent about 20 minutes telling me that it is all ok and even though i thought my belly was a bit small i am tall and some people just carry that way. Then he tried to hear the heartbeat and well you know the rest...... He certaintly didnt expect that to happen either.

    I know how you feel about the if only's. I sort of think the same. What if i had of gone earlier. A few weeks before i had gone in and saw another doc when i wasnt feeling well (having migraines and fainting etc) and we heard the heartbeat and said that all was fine. I think too that if i had requested an ultrasound at that point they might have been able to identify the clot and then treat it and Katelyn's outcome might also have been different. I also think what if i had just taken some stupid aspirin then a clot might not of developed and Katelyn might still be alive. I try not to blame myself however, i was so new to the pregnancy thing. My GP didnt think being pregnant was a very big deal and was sure that everything would be fine. I had no control over what happened. You and i both know that if we could have saved Georgia and Katelyn that we would in a heartbeat - no questions asked. Im sorry that this haunts you as you say.

    As for the way that he treated you after the birth - how can i express how mad i am at him for treating you this way ????? How could he say those things to you and think that they were helping. I think that maybe it would be a good idea for you to investigate another OB before TTC again. I say this because now that i am sorted with mine i feel alot more confident about TTC again and therefore alot more positive on a day to day basis. My GP on the other hand was very supportive and actually said that he thought out of all his patients we are the worst this could happen too.

    You havent brought me down with all this. I want to be able to support you and if that means that you have to right a post that takes up two pages that is fine with me.

    Im sorry that there isnt anything i can say that will make you feel better. I know how much you loved Georgia and i know that you would have gone to the end of the earth to save her. This is not your fault.

    Tootie - thanks for saying that you think i am doing a good job of expressing my feelings its very difficult sometimes as you know. Also i cant tell you how good it feels to have someone tell you that you have a beautiful baby waiting to come to you. Sometimes i feel that i am never going to be able to have another baby (however you are living proof that it will happen!). Thanks for saying that we are wonderful mums. Nobody has said that to me before and it means so much. Thanks

    Love Sarah

  8. #134

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    Last edited by Bec77; December 21st, 2007 at 08:06 PM.

  9. #135
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey guys,

    Thanks for your kind words guys! I'm glad that I can help in some small way. A lot of the time I feel totally and utterly useless to tell you the truth and feel sad that I can't do something more practical to help, but I figure the more that I encourage everyone to be open about their feelings (to the extent to which they are comfortable of course), the better it will be for everyone in terms of grieving and healing (hopefully!). Interesting I should be referred to as the 'mother hen' too LOL - I actually feel very protective of each and every one of the girls on these forums so it was a nice compliment!

    Becc - I've just logged back on and realised that I missed a very crucial post of yours as we were posting at the same time! Sorry about that! I too am amazed at the things your OB said to you. I can't possibly begin to imagine how that felt....and I thought I'd had terrible things said to me! Nothing compares to the comments you received from him and I'm just gobsmacked.

    Whilst I remember it - once you girls have got messenger sorted out, feel free to send me an e-mail and we'll organise to have an online sometime soon ok? I'm going through paranoia of my own kind 24/7 ATM LOL. As I'm sure everyone understands all I want is to get this little tiger safely into the world and each and every day I panic that it's not going to happen! He seemed to be having a party in my tummy but has been quieter over the past couple of days so of course I'm totally crapping myself over it. I've got an OB appt tomorrow so hopefully all will be fine (as it has been every other time) but I'll talk to him all the same about it of course!

  10. #136

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    Last edited by Bec77; December 21st, 2007 at 08:07 PM.

  11. #137

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    Hi Girls,

    I have just read all your posts.

    Firstly can i just saying that i am having a HUGE down day today. Last night i just lost it and i cant seem to hold back the tears......

    I just feel like i cant do this. I just miss her so much that my heart just hurts. I feel like there is this huge weight on my chest and i have to learn to deal with that forever. I dont know how to live without my precious daughter. We had so many plans and my life has just fallen in a heap. I just feel that it is so cruel to be given something so unique and amazing for such a short time and then have her taken away long before we were ready to let her go. I dont know how i can ever be truly happy again because the sadness of her death will always remain with me to the day that i die. But i also feel that Katelyn wouldnt want me to be like this.

    I really want to be pregnant with another baby but the wait is killing me. Can i clarify that i am not trying to use a new baby to make myself feel better. I just want to move forward with my life and i cant do that until another pregnancy is progressing and i have a success. I still have 15 days to go before i can even test and that is if my period doesnt show up before then. I feel like i am never going to be blessed with another baby. I feel like i am doing everything i can to make sure we get pregnant (even the whole pillow under bum thing LOL) and i just dont know how i will cope with it not happening this month. This is partly due to having such long cycles. Normally it is 32 days but because of the mega loooong AF i had at the start of this month i am not sure when i am ov or when my AF is due. So we decided that we would test if we got to 40 days without any signs. Which is also what we did with Katelyn. Also because we got pregnant so quickly with Katelyn i expected (silly i know) to do that again this time but it didnt happen last month. In hindsight i am glad because i needed more time with Katelyn but now i feel as though i am truly ready to welcome another soul into our family.

    I do feel deep down that we will have another baby soon and everything will be ok but sometimes i just dont believe that it is possible IYKWIM.

    Sorry for being so down its just that it has hit me like a ton of bricks and i cant get past it today.

    Tootie - I also see you as a "mother hen" you have been truly wonderful to me when you have also been in need (anxiety wise). I believe that you are going to have a extremely healthy, beautiful baby because that is what you deserve. I hope that your appointment goes very well and that you get some of that much needed reassurance. Great idea about us organising a chat on messenger. Sounds like a plan. Have to be soon though before we know it you will be very busy with tiger!!!

    Becc - Im so sorry that all this has happened to you. Even though i love to share our feelings i really wish you didnt have to have the memories like what happened with your premonitions. You are an exellent mother and Georgia is so lucky to have you as her mother. What more can i say.......but i know exactly how you feel.

    Well talk to you later ladies, sorry if i brought you down too with this.

    Love Sarah

  12. #138

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    PS - I think that we are the queens of long messages LOL

  13. #139

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    Hi Sarah

    Sorry to hear you are having a bad day and i understand that wanting another baby will help i think that it will.
    I guess bad days will always be with you at the moment and in time you will start to feel a bit better and you will never forget your little girl. I wish i could hug you right now to help you feel a little better. Life is really hard at times and i do not understand why nice people have to go through this.

    The pillow thing LOL I also do that but is no fun when a dog jumps on your bed after as we have no doors on the bedrooms.

    I hope that A/F does not arrive for you and that it is good news this month. If not just think of all the fun that you are having trying.


    Sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs: and inkdust:

  14. #140

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    Hi Michelle,

    Thanks so much for that. I wish i could give you a big hug too - all you have been through lately.

    Thanks for also saying that you think i will feel better when i have a new baby to think about. I am 100% sure that i want one but i sometimes wonder if i am in the right frame of mind IYKWIM. I want to be able to give the best of me to a new baby. Grieving for Katelyn is a long term thing though and i cant wait anymore to have a new baby.

    Im glad that i am not the only one who does the pillow thing! LOL. What you said about all the fun of trying is right its just that when you want it to happen you want it to happen. I know that you understand what i mean by that.

    Well i hope that you are having a better day than me but thanks for the :hugs: - straight back at you.

    Love Sarah

  15. #141

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    Last edited by Bec77; December 21st, 2007 at 08:07 PM.

  16. #142

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    P.S. The pillow thing made me laugh too. Maybe you could try standing on your head afterwards too! LOL.

  17. #143

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    Thanks Becc,

    I guess we all have our up days (yesterday morning for me) and we all have our mega down days (today).

    Also my dad just came in and told me that he has the FVL gene and that he is a carrier but it doesnt affect his health. I am not sure about just being a carrier so i have asked on the FVL website to clarify.

    Anyway thanks so much for the :hugs: as i said to Michelle - straight back at you.

    So i am assuming that you dont do the pillow thing????Lol at least i can smile at that.

    Love Sarah

  18. #144

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    Hi Sarah

    You sound just like me with i want it to happen now.
    As for the right frame of mind i think that you will never be 100% sure that you are doing the right thing but it will help you and anyone else going though the loss of a baby heal.

    I can not wait to be pregnant agin just to help me with the pain and the moment all i think about is if only we waited a couple of more weeks and it only the doctors were more helpful when it happened. But that was then and this is now and back to the legs in the air.

    I have not done the standing on my head but i have got myself on to the floor and got my bum up as far as i can. Maybe get your DH to hold your legs up LOL.

    Here's to a better afternoon for us all. Well i'm feeling better i have had two cream cakes.

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