... I am so desperate to say or do something to offer my support to a friend (okay, more an acquaintance, but someone I care about anyway) who I just heard lost her twins at Christmas. A mutual friend caught up with me today to give me the sad news, the mum in question apparently went into early labour (around 21 weeks) and her little bubs were just too little to keep up the fight. I'm absolutely broken-hearted for her and her DP, as I know they've been on the TTC journey for a while now and suffered an early loss last year before she fell pregnant with her twins. The last time I saw her was just before Christmas and she was so excited to tell me that she was having little boys, just as she'd wanted... I was so stoked for her and I just can't believe that she's come so far, only to suffer this devastating blow. And at Christmas, of all the times...
The friend who told me about it today said that atm mum is up north in her hometown, close to her mum so she can recuperate. They held a funeral for the little angel babies and all the rest, so I really hope poor mum is taking it easy and getting lots of support.
My question, is would it be inappropriate of me to get a card and some kind of gift organised for when she gets home? I don't want to set her back on the road to recovery by bringing up what's happened, and I wish I could send a card etc to her now but of course I don't know her mum's address or anything like that, I don't even have her phone number to call and offer my condolences. I'm not sure if I should just leave it alone, but I really, really want her to know that I'm completely devastated and that I'm just so, so sorry for her loss... and that I want to help if there's any way I can.
So I'm asking for advice from those of you who have been there or are close to someone who has - if I can't get in contact with her soon, should I just leave it alone? Would it be detrimental to her to bring it up when she gets home and I see her next? Would my thoughts and prayers be appreciated or would it just be more hurtful to her, knowing that I'm here with my two precious babies when she's just lost hers?
Any advice on what I should do/say, or not, would be appreciated. TIA
You are such a caring friend. When I lost Emmanuel I really wanted my friends to acknowledge him. Some of my friends kept away and didn't say anything thinking it would hurt more but it actually hurt more that they didn't acknowledge him. I think it would be really nice of you to give your friend a gift to acknowledge her twins, I know everyone is different. I hope this helps a little.
From what I understand, as I have been fortunate enough not to have had a loss, it gets harder as time goes on from the birth & loss. I know my friend who lost her bub last September due to placental abruption (at term) had heaps of support in the days / weeks following her daughter's death, but now not so much. Even I can see it on her memorial website that there are few comments these days. I think about mum & bub lots even though she is living halfway across the world at the moment. So I go to her website & post when I think of it. I sent a message at Christmas time & probably will do another one on her 4 month angel-versary later this month. Mum always sends me an email to thank me for remembering her baby girl.
So what I'm saying in a long winded way is that it's not too late. Even sending her a card on their first anniversary wouldn't be too late. She is always going to be living with the loss of her precious boys so will always need comfort. The only difference is right now it is very raw & later on it won't be quite so hard.
As for what to do, I sent a friend an in memory guardian angel pin when she lost her bub early on. For the one I just mentioned, a group of friends together organised a star to be named in baby's honour. Anything you can think of will be perfect.
I watched a friend lose her baby last year and was at a loss at what to do for her. I had put outthe word and people donated some $$$ so I could buy balloons for us all to release in the child's honour at his 'birthday party'. 5 sunflower seed's (one for each child of the family) were placed in a little plastic bag with the mum's email address and a note asking to plant the seed's in the child's honour. It was an awesome day, yes it was emotional but it was also very soothing and calm. Children were present and it really did feel like a birthday party.
I also waited until the child's actual EDD and had the same place we bought the balloons from deliver one of each of the colours delivered to her. I just wanted to let her know that even know we celebrated his birthday that we remembered his actual EDD. The child wont be forgotten, the little person touched our lives without us even laying eyes on him. The love and friendship this little person bought about made sure of it.
For the record...someone emailed her and let her know that the seed's were planted which really made her so happy.
You seem very kind and brave. I use the word brave because after my recent miscarriage I found that more friends than I'd expected were scared. Scared that they'd do or say something wrong, so they'd say nothing instead. It was a very lonely sad time. I am a midwife and I was pleasantly suprised at how wonderful and supportive my midwifery colleagues were. They weren't scared of grief. One friend would call in the mornings a lot because, having experienced the loss of both her parents, she knew it was most particularly the hardest time of the day.
So remain brave and send her a card or thoughtful present, you will make a difference.
From my own experience, I think something for them to come home to would be lovely. I fondly remeber the bunch of flowers at the front door when I came home from the D&C after my m/c. It just made returning to 'normal life' even though my world seemed like it had just been turned upside down, that little bit gentler and less alone.
Of course everyone is different but when I had a miscarriage it meant so much to me that I received cards, flowers, and small gifts (a tiny teddy bear charm, etc) from friends. It really showed me that my baby being lost mattered to other people and not just to me. In fact I kept everything I was sent and have recently (after 3 years and 2 more healthy babies) felt brave enough to take out the charm and add it to my troll bracelet. It shows what a caring person you are that you are thinking of this.
i know that everyone is different but when i lost Kyarna it seemed that most people ignored me and the fact that my baby was gone and that hurt. Even now 3 months later it seems that everyone has forgot that she was ever here. For me you couldnt hurt me by mentioning or reminding me of my baby becasue to be honest i think about her all day everyday anyway
I think you should do something for her, it doesn ahve to be big just a card or something to let her know that you care too!
oh by the way, you sound like an amazing person!!!
Absolutely do something to remember her sons. She is a mother and she has empty arms. That pain is excruciating. When someone remembers your little one - it touches very deep inside.
Some ideas are if you sew a tiny little patch work quilt... I have one for my first daughter. It hangs in Imogen's room - it was made with so much love by a dear friend.
A rose bush - hope, faith, (there are rose bushes with these or similar names) that she can plant in her children's honour.
A simple thing is some crystals in a pouch - perhaps wih stones that correspond to December - and some rose quartz for love.
If she has a pandora bracelet - a baby charm to remember her boys.
A star - you can buy a star albiet a small one - but that is special too...
A meal with a bottle of wine and dessert...
I personally found flowers disturbing - I am not sure why - partly I think because they looked so beautiful and full of life - and then they died - like my babies did... But many people like them. (I usually love to receive flowers but after my babies died I needed to not see them..)
I'm sure you'll be inspired to do just the right thing for her.
Last edited by Inanna; January 5th, 2010 at 09:48 PM.
Thanks so much for your advice, ladies. I can definitely understand why friends tend to avoid the topic, it's such an incredibly painful one, but I do want this lady to know that I care very deeply and am so saddened by the loss of her two little princes. There are some wonderful, wonderful gift/rememberance ideas here and they've definitely inspired me - so thankyou I think I'll probably stick with something small because I'm thinking of writing her a card/note and leaving it with her workmate (the mutual friend who I spoke to today) to pass onto her when she gets back, as I don't know when she will be home and I don't know her address (and obviously including my contact details in the note so she can come to me if she feels comfortable discussing such a personal thing with me). I'm not sure if she wears a Pandora or similar bracelet but maybe some pendants/charms that she can put on a chain to wear around her neck or something - teddies, angels, baby-themed things...
Thanks so much for the reassurance... I just don't want to hurt her any more than she already is, but it really makes sense that it helps in some way to know that others care and are hurting for you, instead of just avoiding it altogether. I appreciate your thoughts
Last edited by Glamourcide; January 5th, 2010 at 09:06 PM.
I have a pandora bracelet, but before I even had one I went and brought the angel charm on the first anniversary of my baby's EDD and wore it on a necklace to remember my angel. You could get her two of the blue bootie ones etc.
I also have a ring that I brought off a BB members website, it's silver and has tiny footprints all around it - I am going to get it engraved with dates etc when I get around to it. If you know her babies' names, that would be beautiful.
You know what though? Even a card means so, so much.
And don't worry about 'bringing it up' - I can almost guarantee it barely leaves her mind
Last edited by Willow; January 8th, 2010 at 05:51 PM.
Just a quick update, ladies
I ended up buying two gorgeous little silver/CZ-studded star charms/pendants and had them put together on one silver chain. I wrote a little message for her in a card (oh wow, how hard is it to find an appropriate 'condolences' card - they all have words about the lost loved one's long and full life etc etc etc!) and dropped it in to her workplace and asked a colleague to pass it on to her - she told me that my friend had resigned from her position and was pretty much keeping to herself. Which I understood - the colleague offered to give me her home address to post it to her, but I declined and asked if she would pass it on for me.
This was ages ago... and every time I walked past the store I wondered if it had been received...
Just now I logged into FB to find a message from my friend (I guess she tracked me down through my layby details hehehe!) thanking me for the gift and card and telling me that it means so much to her and that she wears it all the time. I burst into tears and DH gave me a dumb look... I'm so happy that she isn't offended or hurt... I just wanted to thank you all so much for helping me find an appropriate way to say that I care, and to let you know that it all went well.
And now she's on my FB so I can keep in touch with her and keep supporting her! Thanks again
I am so glad you were able to offer support and condolences to your friend. What a kind person to reach out to her when it would have been easier to just ignore the issue because it was difficult.
As many women have said too often the loss of a baby is ignored or just brushed off as an 'oh well' moment. No one acknowledged our little angel but what DH and I did was found jewellery online. I got a heart pendant with tiny little foot prints and babes age engraved in it, it has 2 gems- one the birth month our little one was due and a gem to assist in healing. DH has a keychain with the footprints and age, which he can carry everywhere. I dont know if thats something you want to do but it has been a really lovely thing for us, we are able to have our 'babe' with us at all times.
Please dont take lightly, what a wonderful person you are....the caring and love you are showing for your friends isnt seen often enough.
That was such a wonderful thing for you to do. No one ever acknowledges my little angels. It's an 'Oh well" and "if I don't mention it it never happened" thing amongst my family.
I just lost my 6th angel last week, and no one we had told even said how sorry they were for us... they didn't say anything... but a friend asked me round today so that our DS's could have a playdate, and I told her what had happened, and she just gave me a big hug (she's not one to give hugs, ever... so it was a big thing). The best thing was she has had a m/c before, so she knew what we were going through. It's so nice when someone is there to just give you a hug or tell you that somehow everything will turn out ok, even if you don't believe it at the time.
It's the acknowledgement of the angel baby that means everything.
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I don't want to open the wounds, but... (advice?)
But many people like them. (I usually love to receive flowers but after my babies died I needed to not see them..)
I think I'll probably stick with something small because I'm thinking of writing her a card/note and leaving it with her workmate (the mutual friend who I spoke to today) to pass onto her when she gets back, as I don't know when she will be home and I don't know her address (and obviously including my contact details in the note so she can come to me if she feels comfortable discussing such a personal thing with me). I'm not sure if she wears a Pandora or similar bracelet but maybe some pendants/charms that she can put on a chain to wear around her neck or something - teddies, angels, baby-themed things...
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