Why do people insist on saying this??

[NaeNae]

I am sorry people are not more sensitive when it comes to losses.

That said, I am a real believer that "Everything happens for a reason" I believe whole heartedly that I have been through hell and back for a reason, that NIkita's death happened for a reason, that my miscarriages have happened for a reason.
I hate that I have been through it all BUT I am who I am for ALL my experiences and I would not be the mother I am if I had not been through such devastation.

Hun its not always what we want to hear though and I am sorry that people cannot just say "I am sorry" to you

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

hun, i'm sorry people can't be more aware of what they are saying.
personally i think it's just something people say because they don't know what else to say, IYKWIM.
Like when someone is hurt we always seem to ask "are you ok" when well clearly they are not.

[krystals]

"Yeah, well, I just punched you in the face - guess the reason"

hahaha, that's exactly what I was thinking!!! Slap them and say "I guess that was for a reason too"

*hugs*

[blessedatlast]

Thanks for the replies. I definitely agree that people just say it because they have no idea what else to say, but I think it's worse now that I'm pregnant again. It's like if I take home this baby people think "See it all worked out in the end".. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally blessed and grateful to be having this baby, but it doesn't change the fact that I should have 2 and a half year old boys. My first born son's died and there will ALWAYS be a piece of my heart missing. This baby makes things better, gives me hope and brings a smile to my face, but ultimately it doesn't change what happened with Taite and Seth..

Which brings another vent.. When ever you see stories in magazines or the paper about baby death eg: Stillbirth or premature birth they always show the stories that have subsequent children, which I think sends out the wrong message to the public. It's like they try to soften the horrible reality of it by saying "But look at them now" With pictures of their subsequent living children.. Some people aren't lucky enough to have a more children after their babies die, and as I said, even having another baby doesn't change the reality that they are missing their babies that died.

*Sigh, Maybe I'm being too picky, I just had to get that out!!

[NaeNae]

Stories about hardship and devastation sell.

I know its hard for you at the moment to see this, but once you have your baby safe at home and in your arms the "Look at them now" comes. Its hard to explain, you NEVER get over the loss but there is nothing like having a healthy happy baby either and I am proud to have a "Look at them now" I proudly show off both my beautiful daughters. People don't have to "see" my losses it has nothing to do with them but if they ask if I have others I always mention Nikita.

I know you cannot see it now, I couldn't, but these comments and stories you are seeing now will always be there and YOU have to find your way of dealing with them. Its healthy to vent about it in here but you also need to accept that other people who have not been in our shoes just DON'T understand, if they say "Well look at you know" You can be proud of the person you are, for being able to walk with such a heavy burden, being able to continue with your life with the daily reminders (there will be an awful lot when this baby comes).

What I am trying to say isn't really coming through but I hope in time you can sort of see what I am trying to get at.

You're not being picky, you're just doing the best you can right now.

[Purple Penguin]

I was having a discussion with a friend of a friend the other day about the "Everything happening for a reason" line, I don't buy it at all. It's so frustrating when people say that, I'm sorry for your loss, it's just not fair at all!

[Babyluv]

I don't believe for a second that everything happens for a reason. I think that's just something some people who haven't lost a bub say when they really don't know what to say. I don't believe we would fall pregnant for the purpose of losing it. I think it's just a horribly unfair occurrence that happens for alot of us. When you think about how amazing the miracle of life really is, you can understand why things go wrong. So much has to go right for a baby to be born healthy and I guess it makes you realise how easily things can go wrong. I don't believe m/c happens because the baby is not meant to be. How can a baby dying happen for a reason. I believe every pregnancy that happens, happens with the intention of birth it just doesn't always work out I really really hate it when ppl say that it wasn't meant to be or that everything happens for a reason. It hurts alot! I do believe however that we can bring about good things from these sad situations. These occurrences can change us for the better or worse. I believe because of my experiences I feel more blessed to have my baby girl, I am more patient with her and I take pleasure in the tiniest of things more than maybe I would have had I perhaps never had a m/c.

[Marley&Me]

to you.

Bad things don't just happen to good people for a reason. It's up there with "just relax and it will happen" while TTC.
You just want to punch them in the face!!

[skybie]

i used to think everything happened for a reason. then Jack died,now i dont, i dont care what anyone says, there is absolutely no justifiable reason for anyone to loose a child. im so sorry that people are so insensitive

[RhiChiChi]

These posts make me terribly sad. I used to think things happened for a reason but I can't now, after 5 losses - it makes no sense to me. I feel exactly the same as you, Babyluv and others. I do understand what Nae is saying to a degree, but more that it defines you as a person/mother and that you can understand and be supportive to others. I don't think I'll ever understand why I have had to endure 5 losses and countless years of ttc # 2

((hugs))

[LionsandBears]

I used to have something along those lines in my siggie. "Everything happens for a reason" does my head in. No, everything doesn't happen for a reason. Anyone who thinks so can explain those reasons to me.

People don't feel comfortable with choas and uncertainty. It makes them feel better to think that there's some overall plan or reason for things. I can understand that. It would be easier for someone to blame or to know that if I suffer X, I will be rewarded with Y. IMO, that's why religion was invented (I am not going to debate religion at all - that is my opinion only).

Bad things happen to good people all over the world, all the time. Life is choatic. I don't believe there is a reason for anything at all except that life creates life and that death is part of the lifecycle. My babies didn't die so I can become a bloody saint. They didnt die so I can become bitter and twisted and resentful either. They just died. How I deal with that is up to me. A living child is not going to 'fix' anything except for the fact I don't have a living child. That's all.

There is no fix or reason for your babies dying. That doesn't mean their lives had no meaning though. In their short lives and after, they have affected so many people.

As for the happy ending stories. They sell. No one wants to buy the magazine or book that tells the story of the grieving parents who lost a baby or two, and were never able to have living children but just got on with their lives, trying to live with the pain. People want to buy the story about family who 'moved on' and had a living child and everyone lived happily ever after. That's just human nature. People want to hope and nothing respresents hope like a new baby. It's just that most people don't understand that getting on with your life, new baby or not, does not mean leaving your angel babies behind. They are with us always.

Sorry to hijack your thread.

[forshelby]

I'm so sorry. You're right. There is no reason for your sons to be taken from you. When I hear of mc or any kind of babyloss my response is always the same. "I'm so sorry. Nature is cruel." It isn't much but I think it's kinder than empty pleasantries.

You are taking this baby home. I hope your baby can ease some of your pain and fill your heart and your life with joy, where there's only been sadness for so long.

[Miss.B]

Blessed, when I lost Joshua, the only thing that got me through the pain of losing him was to believe and accept that it did happen for a reason, that's how I got my peace and closure. I think if I didn't believe this, I would have lost the plot. I believe that wherever he is, I will be there with him one day and that makes me happy. I don't believe he is gone forever. I guess people have their own beliefs, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they don't understand pain (especially pain of losing a child) it just means that that's what they belive and hope that it will too bring peace to the other person. I agree that it's better to say 'sorry about your loss' in case you are one of those people who don't believe that things happen for a reason.