Reply With QuoteOh gosh, I completely missed that bit! Wherever possible, mum should be the first to hold bub, I couldn't agree more Trillian.
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I think it is more selfish that he wants to be the first one to hold the baby and deny you immediate skin to skin contact and have your babe at your breast - those first moments are integral to the breastfeeding relationship.
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Oh gosh, I completely missed that bit! Wherever possible, mum should be the first to hold bub, I couldn't agree more Trillian.
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Yes the mother should definately have first contact with the baby.
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With all 3 of our kids DH cut the cord. I wanted him to be involved & feel like he did help in some way. He was pretty useless during labour, but he tried.
I had my mum & MIL there for my 1st & wished my mum could've been there for my other 2, but she couldn't. Having someone who WILL support you is something you need. I couldn't have gotten through it if there was noone there. I mean my DH slept for a few hours for the first - it was an 18 hour labour, & I still wasn't happy!
All my babies were passed straight to me & had a bf before going to DH. I think I'd feel pretty peed off if I went through all that hard work for my baby to be handed to someone else. Even if it was my DH.
Maybe you could cut the cord together as some of the others suggested.
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Couldn't agree more Skye!
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hmm.. i didn't read that as him holding the baby before mum. Just that he wants to be the first to see & hold the baby out of everyone else, which again, I think is fair enough.
But he could still have first cuddles even if there is a support person.. it's only right that the daddy is next in line after mummy!
ETA: Thought I'd just add.. is it possible he really does want 'his moment' with his wife & baby? If so, tell him it's important that he learn how to support you and how to be involved properly. Men don't like to feel useless, but does he actually know what you need? Perhaps put the time in and explain to him what you will be needing, and ask if he's prepared to step up and be there properly this time. If it is just that he's clueless, it wouldn't be a nice feeling to be pushed aside and 'replaced' and not have a chance to try again iykwim. Of course I don't know you guys personally, just thought I'd suggest it that he might need more instructions. My DH isn't very intuitive, but follows instructions well LOL.
Last edited by Liz; July 28th, 2008 at 12:05 PM.
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hello this is a dad speaking squidipas other half
i feel that you should cut the cord this time as he has his turn with the 1st child i mean it is you body afterall and you are the one that has carried this baby around and had to put up with all the stuff for the last 9 months or so.
As for not helping around the house i totally understand that hubbies do get sick of running around after their wives all the time with can you do this and you get me that can you pick this up but come on got to think of your wife and all that she is going through i mean it took two to tango so hubbies i feel dont have the right to be slack and say or think right your preggger it is your problem now.
it does makes me mad when i hear the hubbies are not pulling their weight and helping out when they know they should be.
so as i said i feel that it is your turn to cut the babies cord or at the very least both of you cut it together you have every right to want to cut it and IMO i think you should cut the cord. well that is my ten cents worth.
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Another non-dad but . . . I actually think your DH should cut the cord if he wants to. Yes, the cord is the physical connection between me and my babies, but I saw my DH cutting it as a symbolic joining of him into the relationship I had previously exclusively had with my daughters if that makes sense.
TBH I never thought about cutting the cord myself - I was upset when DH initially said with DD#1 that he didn't want to do it. When the time came my OB just assumed he was doing it so DH clamped and cut both our girls' cords. He really enjoyed doing it and I loved his involvement.
Having said all that, if my DH had behaved the way yours did during either of my labours I would have chucked him out - of the delivery room at least and quite possibly my marriage. That is absolutely unacceptable as far as I'm concerned. Given his past performance you definitely deserve to overrule his wishes in preference of your own (and not be selfish in doing so) and have your mum there for support. I would also put your DH on notice that unless you get proper support from him during the birth this time he's out and you will cut the cord yourself.
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I think you need to think about you this time in regards to the labour and support.
If you want your mum there, then she should be there. Since it's ultimately you doing the hard work and it's a tough thing to go through anyways with support, let alone without any.
With DS#1 I had my mum, my twin sister and DP. They took turns with being with me through the long hours. So my DP could go home and have a sleep, yet he was still moody and angry at me, while I was in labour, cause he was tired. After the birth and all that I was disgusted he acted like that towards me, and trying to make it all about him.
So I was glad to have other people with me at the time, for the support I needed.
This time I told my DP outright I was having my mother with me aswell as him, cause that's what I needed. We had a few arguements over it, not to mention loads of tears on my part, cause he wanted it to be just us... which yeah, I'd love that but I just couldn't leave myself open to no support at the time when you need it the most.
I think he finally could see where I was coming from and accepted that's how I wanted it.
(Yeah, I know it was very selfish of me, but it's not like I could pass the hardwork and pain along from someone else to do it for me)
Re; the cord cutting. My DP did that both times. He said he didn't mind if he did it or not this time around, but for me I felt like he was involved and it was special to me. I actually never thought about cutting it myself, I just assumed that my DP would do it.
Good luck with whatever outcome you guys have.
Sorry for my rambling.
xx
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Why not have 2 pairs of scissors and both cut the cord at the same time - from either side.
As a mummy and daddy welcome you into this world. Perhaps decide on a nice little poem or short phrase you can say together before the cut
I think this would be very special between all 3 of you!
BellyBelly Member
Hi,
Well I have to say I can see both sides of the argument.
As far as the labour goes, well I'm going to be very generous in this situation and say that maybe your DH just doesn't know what to do. I think you really need to get an indepth birth plan going (you would include in here who u want to cut the cord) and include all the options of pain relief etc you want to include. I would also go through all these methods and get DH to practice with you.
Practice the different positions u think you might or could like to use and that way he will know them and iu won't have to feel like you are trying to choreograph a musical when u want him to help u in a particular position. Practice massage and the gentle talking or relaxation techniques. Get him involved in the music and oils u will use, if you are going to use some. There are some good articles on here to prepare ppl to be good birth support ppl. Make sure your know what u want and that it's written down and DH knows it off by heart.
I would really think about what you want out of a birth support person, what u DO NOT want out of a birth support person. Explain this to DH, yes it is a very important event for DH but it is you that has to go through it so let him know that this is what u want and get him to be involved and take steps to show he will be that and if he is not willing well then explain to him u will have someone there who will be what you need.
Also maybe look at a doula. It might help to have someone there who can help show DH what to do and get him more involved so he has a good experience but to make sure u r taken care of. Also maybe he would be more comfy with this seeing as it is just another professional such as a midwife there.
As far as the cutting of the cord, would u consider doing it together? Or is there something you could compromise with? Like u cut the cord DH does the first bath? Or u could ask if DH could catch the baby? I have been at hospitals where they r comepletely fine with this.
Goodluck!
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You can all cyber scream at me for being so blunt....
But Danielle - WHY are you with this man (boy)?
You are not just commenting about his desire to cut the cord - but you are basically telling us that he is not doing anything at home, leaving you to look after your first child, alienating your family from something that you want them present for, and you are already convinced that he will not help with this new baby.
I think that the cutting of the cord should be the least of your worries. I would be getting him online so that he can have a read about how his wife REALLY feels. Your overall frustration at him will not end with the pregnancy, so get the issues resolved before the baby arrives. And I would be spelling it out in a birth plan that you wish to cut the cord - and make sure that the midwife is aware of this. If after the birth you change your mind, then sobeit. But you are the one in control of the situation.
BellyBelly Member
Yeah sorry everyone, thats what I meant, bubs gets put straight on my chest after being born. With DD DH got to deliver her (midwife told him when to catch DD & he's the one who bought her into the world so to speak, I'm pretty sure he'll do that again which I dont mind) He just doesnt want anyone else there to "see" the baby as soon as he's born I suppose thats the best way to describe.
Sorry I was upset last night so didnt word it very well at all. I'm very tired today so still not thinking very straight LOL
Thanks for all your responses, I'd still like to cut the cord this time but I may meet him half way & cut together? MAYBE lol.
BellyBelly Member
Thanks so much for a mans point of view (especially since its what I was hoping to hear LOL)
I agree with the "it takes two to tango" & I do remind him that DD is OUR child not just mine etc, I just think he likes taking the easy way out & I know this is my fault too for letting him do it.
Just so everyone knows I have told him many times about him being no supprt last time & he says he'll try more this time but I'm scared that he just wont once we get there, it will be "too hard" & I'll be stuck with no support again. My mum cant come now, she's in Townsville & works full time so no way she can get here now.
Thanks again for your replys
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Hi,
I asked my hubby about the cord thing and he said rubbish you should be able to do it there is plenty he can do during and after the birth.
Just to let you know my hubby actually birthed the bub ie caught bub, and cut cord and then brought her up onto my chest and after first feed he was the one to put her on the scales and dress her etc so hubby can do alot of first that you will prob be to tired for.
Lucy in the sky with diamonds.
I had the same experience with DS, I was so utterly let down by Dp that I DID kick him out of the birth suite for the next one.
Well I very nearly did. I was absolutley NOT having him there again, so I got a doula, saw her on my own, gave him ALL the reasons why he couldn't be there. When he saw how serious I was he was quite upset and begged me to be there, which I ended up allowing ONLY because my Doula was there and she was aware of the situation with him. He was to leave the room the MOMENT he p!ssed me off.
My doula ended up supporting him to support me and it was just brilliant, he still cant stop raving on about how wonderful I am, he felt terrific that he could help me meaningfully.
In any case if you feel so strongly, show him you do. It might give him cause to see what you are on about. I would NEVER risk having my birth experience marred by the one person I thought I could count on...
GLxoxoxoxo
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I just want to add Dannielle that outside the delivery room my DH is useless too. He was really good during all 3 of my labours. He's a pack a day smoker & went without & tried everything I told him to with out getting the sh*ts with me when I pushed him away.
But at home he is I think alot like yours. He doesn't help around the house, he rarely looks after the kids, when we fight they are 'my' kids.
He actually makes comments all the time about wishing it was just us & DS. He odesn't let the other's hear him, but it hurts me pretty bad. He won't put out the rubbish, won't take the bin out on bin night. I am raising the kids on my own. 98%.
He isn't always like this. Over the last 3 years he gotten better & better. Because I made him. He might act like that alot, but when it all gets too much for me, he does realise & wake up to himself & will do something to make it up to me. eg, clean the house for me, get up to the kids & let me sleep. Only when I've screamed at him about how I'm just about to lose it & I can't do it anymore.
The last episode was coz of a tooth ache. I actually looked at rental houses where my mum is & got an application form emailed to me. But he's since snapped out of it.
He does get it when I drill it into him. I think you need to sit your DP down & talk to him. Ask him the things you really don't want to know the answer to.
Do you want to be a Dad?, Do you want us gone?
Tell him if he doesn't wake up to himself & grow up a bit & accept HIS responsibility, you'll leave.
I'm not telling you to leave. Just maybe he needs a bit of a 'slap' to wake him up. You are a person who has feelings too.The shock of you going to stay with your mum for a few days & telling him he won't see his baby born if he keeps it up might be enough to get the love & support you need & deserve.
Tell him what you need. You can't do this alone.
Until I explain it to DH as if he is 5 years old, he just doesn't get it.
I really hope you guys work things out.
Sorry to go on & on. I just think he needs a good talking to.
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WOW - what a thread. My initial reaction is that he should cut the cord because its one thing they can do and they can still do it without holding the baby - the baby can be put on you straight away. BUT.....he sounds like he isn't a very supportive husband at all so I really don't know. I don;t think it should be an argument though - if you fight over this what else do you fight over? it's a tough one. Some of the other girls have great suggestions - I hope it works out for you.
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