Help! How do I tell my boyfriend I'm pregnant

[Jes13]

I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 27, we have been together for 2 years and after the first month I found out I was pregnant...We decided to have an abortion, a decision I have regretted ever since. And I have now found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant again, this time however, I was taking the pill every day, without fail! So very unexpected! The complicated part of this is my boyfriend already has 2 children from a previous relationship aged 7 and 4 and half...a relationship that ended very badly and his ex has not allowed to see them since it ended, 4 years ago. And she has since had another child. This has been so hard on him and I've always tried to support him through it and have taken our relationship slowly so that he can learn to trust me, as I know he is so scared of the same thing happening again! He wants to find the children, but she has been very difficult and made the situation very hard so that he is scared and apprehensive about going through all the courts, and then there is rebuilding a relationship with his young kids after such a long absence!! He has said to me before that when I got pregnant before, he thought it would be unfair on his other kids for him to have another, when he doesn't fight for them! The last thing I wanted to do, was to throw this in his lap, when we "decided" to have a child, I wanted it to be a happy occasion and now it is going to be one filled with hurt! I would never be able to have another abortion, it has traumatised me and of course I have always wanted to have a child. I know that I am ready, but my boyfriend is not and this is going to crush him!! Things are going so well and he is really beginning to move forward with me in his life and now this is going to turn everything upside down. I don't want to lose him either! I just don't know how to tell him.......

[Vixstar]

Mmmm that is a toughy but firstly - CONGRATS!!!!!!

I guess all you can do is to tell him. It takes 2 to tango and like you said, you were on the pill. As for an abortion.....it is your body and your choice....do what you feel is right for you...regardless of the decision.

Massive *HUGS* to you.

xxxx

[BrightSparkles]

Best to be honest and up front no matter how hard it is (and is probably)going to be. I think he'd rather you be honest with him than hide it from it from him.
Like you said...it takes 2 and he needs to take responsability for his part in this. In the end, the choice is up to you... after all, your the person who is growing a new life inside of you.
Hope it goes well. We are here if you need to chat.

CONGRATULATIONS though

[Ryatha]

first of all CONGRATS!

Second: Sit him down and tell him honestly. The same thing happened with me and DH - we were using protection and I found out I was pregnant. His reaction was one of happiness, even though it was a surprise and we really really weren't planning a pregnancy. You never know what is going to happen, but honesty is the best.

goodluck

[Rivlas]

Congratulations.
Just be open and honest with him and I think you might be in for a pleasant surprise after he gets over the shock. You have done nothing wrong and these things happen.
All the best

[~clover~]

Just wanted to wish you luck. Please be honest. Thats the most important thing. I understand how he feels about it being unfair to his other children, but it also might push him that little bit harder to try & find them.
Its unfair for him to put his whole life on hold at the same time. As much as he needs to get in touch with his kids, he does still need to live.
FWIW DH didn't meet his father til he was 19, & while he felt betrayed that his father didn't want to know him, he feels nothing against his father's other children. They aren't as close as brothers & sister yet, but they are mates for now DH actually went out of his way to find them after not seeing or hearing from any of them in 7 years.
I understand all your feelings too.
Good luck to you both xx

[JCE0810]

CONGRATS!!

I think you just need to sit down with him and be honest with him and take it from there

[Jes13]

Thanks for all your kind words!! I do want to be honest, i know that is the best way, but I am so petrified of the outcome and I know its going to change everything!! I hope that it will encourage him to fight harder for his other kids and that he will eventually accept this. But I do know that initially it is not going to go well...he doesn't react well with pressure and he is going to freak out...He is a very deep person, but he is terrible at showing it and tends to say and act the opposite of what he is feeling, because he is scared of his actual feelings! He is a pain (he is a man lol), and I love him sooo much!!

I really needed to just tell someone else, and I'm glad I came across this forum. I am a person that hates confrontation and keep bottled, but I know that I can't do that in this situation, but I know thats why I'm scared of actually having to tell him...arrggh life sure does throw its curve balls!!

[Ryatha]

I really needed to just tell someone else, and I'm glad I came across this forum. I am a person that hates confrontation and keep bottled, but I know that I can't do that in this situation, but I know thats why I'm scared of actually having to tell him...arrggh life sure does throw its curve balls!!

Thats the great thing about BB - I come on here, vent away and always feel so much better. Everyone is so supportive

[Jes13]

Basically, he told me to sort it out quickly and demanded that either I have an abortion or do it by myself! He said he was not going to have a kid with me...not yet and that I was trying to stich him and that I must have been careless...When I told him I didn't know if I could have another abortion, he said that was not what he wanted to hear and that I needed to make a decision cause he didn't want to be left wondering what I was going to do! He then went out for the next few hours and we barely spoke when he got home...He didn't say one word to me this morning when I dropped him off at the train station! I'm so confused....I just want this whole situation to go away! I can't make this decision. On the one hand, I know he is not ready and this is not what we wanted right now, we are just about to go on holiday and were considering moving up north for a year or so...On the other, I just don't know if I could live with myself, I have spent the last 2 years trying to get my head around the first abortion and I just think another would send me over the edge, and yet I question whether I'm ready for a child! Part of me feels as though he's making me suffer for his guilt over his other children, yet I know he hurts every day because of it! I don't want to have to do this on my own, I mean who does really!?! I would need to find somewhere to live and give up my job for at least a while, leaving me with no income! I always imagined me spending the rest of my life with this guy and having a kid eventually...I just want his support "no matter" what decision I make! Its not fair of him to demand from me, he is not the one that has to live with it!

[CharlieBrownGirl]

Sorry he is making you choose, both options are very difficult.
Take care and do what is best for you

[BrightSparkles]

Oh hun. I'm so sorry things have turned out like this for you. It's definatly not fair of him to treat you like this, however I can imagine he would have been shocked at the news. Unfortunatly no one else can make this decsion for you. Have you got family around that you can talk to about whats happening? I think you need to sit down and think about what you want. It would be a hard decision for anyone to make - especially on thier own.
Did you explain to him how you felt about the situation? What was his reaction? Maybe he needed some time to process this and what he said what a quick reaction, without thinking?

Sending you lots of we are here if you want to talk/vent etc.

[starangelk]

Jes - you poor thing. Sending you a massive internet hug. What should be a happy occassion is being overridden by all of these other factors. I am so sorry your boyfriend reacted badly, perhaps giving him a day to let it sink in and then approaching the issue with him again is a good idea. However, I think you might run the risk of sitting him down and him expecting you to have made a decision either way. Can I suggest you go and get some counselling? It really sounds like you don't want to have an abortion and if the financial and practical side of things are the main reason why you are feeling you don't have alot of options, talking to someone else about it will probably help. Also, ring Centrelink and find out what benefits you would receive. I am not trying to sway you either way, I am just trying to say - make an informed decision and the best decision for YOU. The other thing I would say to your boyfriend is that if you do decide to go ahead and have this baby, he has said that he won't be involved. He regrets not fighting for his other children and being in their lives but this time he is CHOOSING not to be involved. Why is he making the same mistake again? I really hope you can get this sorted out hun.

[Peach*]

That is not fair for your partner to be making you feel so rubbish. I think you have to do what is best for you, it sounds like you have been very understanding of his trouble with his other children but you have your life to think about too...

[~clover~]

It is totally up to you. You could give him time to process it, then say (if thats your decision) that you are having the baby, you want his support, but if he won't give it, you can live without it.
Have you got family & friends close by? If you do there is no reason you can't do this if he chooses not to support you.
Towards the end, yes you would need to stop working, but after baby is born centrelink can help. A close friend of mine went through her pregnancy & birth with no partner. It can be done.
Either way good luck & we are here if you need to talk. Hopefully after the shock wears off he won't be so hurt & maybe be more accepting.

[Jes13]

my mother is very religous and brought me up to be against abortion...she doesn't even know I was pregnant the first time and would never even think of me considering an abortion...none of my family would...My mother always wanted me to be married and have children that way...premarital sex upset her enough, even though she has finally begun to except that we have been together so long, she still tells me her concerns that she wants him to commit to me! Though I tell her he has, but we have been going slowly. When we first got together, she was concerned about his "baggage" and even said, what if you get pregnant and he leaves you! He was so adamant that he wanted me to terminate it, I didn't even get the chance to tell him how I felt and he was not in the mood to listen! I feel so alone...

[Madissun]

You're not alone honey

[Evie76]

Jes you are not alone. It's extemely unfair for him to force a decision upon you. It sounds as though he hasn't even bothered to find out if you want a baby. You're not a teenager either, for goodness sakes.

I can only imagine the decision to have an abortion is extremely difficult. I personally couldn't do it unless the circumstances were extenuating - not because I'm not against it - just because it would be a very difficult thing to do. I would have been a single mother before being given an ultimatum.

My DH took both announcements of pg pretty hard because he's a "financial worrier", but he loves his sons and would never give them up. Why you should compromise on having a baby doesn't seem fair to me.