Thankyou for asking us parents what worked/didn't work.
Context of me- still born baby at full term, cord accident, spontaneous vaginal birth.

Reading of other parents experiences, i feel fortunate at how we were treated.
I was at the major womens hospy in WA -King Edward, where they deal with the majority of high risk and still births, so have learnt a lot over the years. I think it would be worth you getting into contact with their 'peri-natal loss midwife', the chaplain services, and the social worker there. I'm pretty sure they have some kind of education programme for midwives dealing with baby loss.


Some points-
# Treat it as a live birth/labor- because it IS still ... birth (iykwim?).
The mother needs to feel empowered-and if there are no problems the mother needs to know that her body can do this. IF it's safe for the mum, keep intervention minimal. It is one of the only things she will get to do for her child- birth them.

# If the mother states at the beginning that she doesn't want drug pain relief/ epi etc, then don't keep offering it!
Offer massage, hot packs, shower or bath etc and talk her through it.
I have read of many mums whose biggest regret was having the peth/morphine/epi because they were too groggy to remember the birth and the precious moments they had with baby. Make the mum aware of this early on- that they may want to be 'alert' when bub is born. Even though I had always planned on having a drug free birth, I got scared approaching transition that I wouldn't handle the emotional trauma, and had a pushy midwife trying to talk me into morphine. I relented and agreed but hadn't had it yet- luckily my personal midwife came back from her break just in time and reassured me that she'd talk me through it. I am grateful for that, because now I have clear memory of my baby being placed on my chest, and all the time I had with him I was lucid.

* When babe is born, treat as a 'live born'. Skin to skin cuddles is still important!
 Ask the mum (before transition!) if she will want the baby wrapped or skin to skin for cuddles when born. I was a bit freaked at first and wanted wrapped, but got over it and soon unwrapped him. That hour of skin to skin time I had with him straight after birth was invaluable. Help and encourage the mum to have this time.
DO NOT WHISK BABY AWAY!!!!
Coo over baby, comment on their cute hands etc, treat with the tenderness and care you would a live baby.

*Include the father or partner- make sure they have cuddle time/skin to skin.


*Let parents bathe and weigh baby.
Another precious parenting moment. One of our fav pics is of Daddy weighing bub, and looking proudly down at his big bonny boy on the scales. I found the patches of skin maceration on my boy distressing and wasn't able at first to join my DH in bathing him. But the midwife who was helping DH, kept cooing over bub,and commenting on how beautiful he was, till I got the courage to take over. So so grateful for that now.


*Encourage parents to stay in hospy with bub as long as they want.
It's the only time they will ever have, and they need that time to build memories to last forever. Do not rush them, sit them down and make them realise how important this time is (we were in a blur post birth, as is normal, and the hospy chaplain is the one who stressed how important it was to stay, and encouraged us to stay over night).

*Make sure all staff who will be entering room know of the situation, and get them to ackowledge the baby
I loved that every Dr and nurse that came in asked if they could say hello to our bub (when we weren't holding him, he was in a crib next to me). I loved that Dr's bent over the crib and commented on how beautiful he was.
I also would get scared that the staff who delivered our food didn't know our baby had died, and they didn't seem comfortable being in the room. So if possible get someone else to deliver the food.

*Read SIDS literature on 'what not to say to grieving parents'
'Teddy love club', and "Sands' also have literature about this.

*Encourage the parents to invite their family and friends to hospital to meet and and hold their baby


*Take photoes for the parents- of everything!
You'll hear this again and again- pictures are precious and we all wish we had more!
Take pics of them bathing, weighing, dressing baby. Encourage them to get a professioanl photographer to come to the hospital- I wish I had done that. There is actually a national group of photographers who do this for free- my brain just can't remember what they're called! Wish my hospy had their info, i only heard about them after.


Thankyou for taking the time at reading all of this, and caring!
xx