Hello ladies. It's been a few days since I've posted, but I've been keeping up with everything! It's been a tough week for me. Went back to work on Wed. I work at my son's school as a noon duty aide--and, until Wed., I've been able to avoid most questions from the kids (most of whom knew that I was pg). One little girl in particular would ask me what I was having every time she saw me. I figured she knew by now about the m/c--it's been a month today. But she asked me on Wed., and completely threw me off guard. I told her I would talk to her about it later, b'cuz I was incapable of saying anything else. Then a little girl in my son's class (1st grade) walked up to me out of the blue and told me that her mom's baby died, too. This made me feel really bad, because I had previously complained about a couple other moms at the school that were pg., saying how hard it was for me to see these pg. women that were due around the same time as me. This woman in particular hadn't even seen her dr. or had her first appt. yet (at almost 3 mo's!) and I was feeling annoyed because of this (b'cuz I had just m/c and thought that I had been doing everything right, and here she was pg. and not even bothering to go to the dr!). Then her daughter tells me that her mom's baby died, too-and it felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body! Obviously, I had nothing to do with her m/c, and I never would've wished it to happen to her, but b'cuz I was annoyed with her for being pg, it's hard for me to not feel any guilt! Then yesterday I had to have one of the other noon aides tell the girl (the one that would always ask me what I was having) about the m/c so that she wouldn't ask me that dreaded question again! Of course, it was the first time I had even brought it up to any of the noon aides, so it was pretty hard. They've all been trying to be very respectful by not bringing it up to me at all, pretending like it never even happened, but that doesn't make it much better. The hard ones are the ones that didn't know about the m/c and ask me when I'm due!
So now I'm on CD 6. Went to Fertility Friend to figure out how to chart my cycle. It's weird b'cuz according to my chart my fertile days begin on Mon., and it says I should be O'ing by Wed.! Could that be right? Could I really O so soon after AF? Thought AF was done yesterday, but she tricked me and came back later in the afternoon, although much lighter than the previous 3 days! My first couple days were really heavy--though I figure that's probably common for the first period after m/c. So maybe we'll begin ttc tonight (which would make DF very happy as he's been "missing me"), since they say that if you bd 3 days prior to O there's a better chance for a girl! I'm not going to be picky, though, I'll take what I can get--as long as it's healthy! I just really want to "feel" pg. again! The things that annoyed me just a few mo's ago--peeing 3 times a night, insomnia, feeling starving all the time, waking up every morning at 6:00 and eating oatmeal (I usually skipped breakfast until I was pg!) b'cuz I was so hungry, big, perky boobs! I miss feeling all those things! I still sleep with my hands on my tummy--wishing my baby was still in there! Sorry guys--just needed to get that out. Just bringing it up to DF is hard on both of us. It's easier for men to ignore it in order to maintain the "norm". While for me, I try to act like I'm not thinking about it, but it's ALWAYS there, like a slideshow constantly running in the back of my mind. I find myself half listening to people when they're talking to me, because the slideshow is running in the other half of my mind at the same time. I find myself wondering if they know that I'm not really listening to them, because my mind is consumed by my baby--isn't that terrible? Again, I'm sorry for feeling so sorry for myself-it's helpful knowing that there are others out there that know exactly what I'm talking about! At least here I don't feel so abnormal! Thanks everyone, for listening and caring!
My prayers are with all of you!