Trying to Conceive after Late Loss, Still Birth or Recurrent Miscarriage April '08

[jen805]

Oh Hammi, While I'm relieved for you that AF is proving you're body's getting back to normal, I know that it's a really hard thing to cope with. It's like part of you wants to be happy that things are getting back on track, but most of you is still heartbroken over the loss of your precious angel Hamish. I've noticed a couple times when people would find out, and like you said, come up all teary and apologetic, I would be telling them that it was ok--that I'm just hanging in there--very calm and rational like you said... but it's like I'm consoling them for my loss! I think in my case it's easier to cope like that--most of the time I have to really focus on not thinking about the child I lost (while I've lost 4 total, the last one was definitely the hardest) and just focus on the child we're trying to create right now. I, too, feel excited and hopeful and scared about going through it all over again, but I feel more scared NOT to try, like I would be giving up on something that I so desperately want! It's so hard to not dwell on what might have been, or could have been... what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and smarter, and a valuable lesson is usually learned--it just usually takes time for that lesson to become clear, and you're able to realize what it was that you needed to learn from that experience. I'm sorry you're down, hun. Know you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

[Katiegirl]

Hammi - I just wanted to send you a hig as reading your post rung so true for me. I have felt exactly the same as you. I was so desperate to fall pregnant again after Nathaniel, but when it happened I suddenly realised how terrifying it was. I worry constantly, and it feels like I have been pregnant forever. I understand how you want to still have Hamish with you, and to feel him growing and to hold him again. It is so hard to let go of someone that we loved, nurtured and protected. I never for a moment believed I would lose my first child, and that pain still cuts me like a knife. I would love more than anything to have Nathaniel with me still, but at the same time I know that would mean that this little baby growing in me would not exist, and that is a hard reality.

Hamish knew you loved him, and he knows you will always love him. During your child's life, no matter how short, he only knew love and happiness. I am sure that once you decide to TTC you will know that it is the right thing for you. Take care.

[jo76]

hi everyone,
well i had my OB appointment today and don't know if i feel relieved or more anxious for this pregnancy to be ok.
We had a chat re: Jack and the fact they never found a cause and i asked how this meant he would treat me in this pregnancy. He said we will do another ultrasound after the 12 week one, around 17 weeks for peace of mind and i was so happy as i did'nt have to beg for it! i said i'll need it as i feel a bit stressed and nervous about this pregnancy and he said that all was looking good so far in terms of the size of my uterus growing and he could hear movement but not a heartbeat which he was'nt concerned about at this early stage due to the size etc. (with jack i did'nt hear his heartbeat until 14 weeks)He asked if i was ok as i was looking a bit pale (argh! since i have changed my make-up to a darker shade!) and i said i did'nt sleep well last night and had nervous diahorea (sp?) this morning. He gave me my referral for the ultrasound that i have had booked for 6 weeks and sadi get it done thurs or fri so i did'nt have to wait until next week. Unfortuneately i have to wait till next week as i have mondays off at the moment so the choice is made!
as for you guys...
jen -thanks for thinking of me! We are all here for you too, can't wait till you join us!
katie - i have decided to go back to the Angliss (outer east, so a bit of a travel) where i had Jack as they were so amazing and i wanted to have the support of Amanda who was the head of the loss nurses, as she was so patient and gentle with all of us last time and i need to be with people we trust and feel safe around. I know this birth () will be a VERY emotional one for us so the feeling safe part and already knowing the midwives is a huge deal. Where are you going?
hammi - you bought tears to my eyes. Your story and feelings are so similar to my own. We have been through the most disgustingly cruel thing with all our babies, and in some circumstances i agree, have had to be the strength for others at the same time our world has crumbled! As time passed from Jack, i became the same , very calm doing my day to day things and then it would hit me like a ton of bricks what had happened and the enormity of it. I will never get over losing jack or the circumstances that it happened but time does make it a tiny bit easier. Being pregnant again does stir up feelings and what ifs but i am just going day by day. My son (5 yrs) saw my wee sample in its jar in the bathroom and asked what it was for and i said i had to see my doctor to make sure i was ok and he said so you can make another baby?. We have'nt told the kids yet as we want to be a bit further along before we even allow them to have hope that there will be another baby. it affects us all, your feelings are normal and you will know when you are ready. take care and sending you loads of hugs.
barbara - hope you are going ok!
x jo

[jen805]

Hi jo! So glad to hear your appointment went well! It's great that your dr. offered the extra u/s at 17 wks. for your peace of mind. You would think that all dr's would be willing after what we've been through, unfortunately they're not all that supportive. I think women make much better doctors, they're so much more empathetic--how can a man possibly understand what it is that we go through? I'm excited to hear about your u/s next week--can't wait until you get to see your sticky bub! I can't wait to join you ladies, as well, I'm working on it!

[Anthonysmom]

Hi ladies - just dopping in since I have the day off.

Hammi - my heart breaks for you. I remember being at that stage. It has only been 7 weeks. some days will feel okay and some not so much. its okay. it is a mystery to me why babies die. especially those that are so wanted and loved. as far as a new baby. the first few months of TTC were unsuccessful for me. i was trying to get ANthony back. Once I realized he wasn't coming back and came to grips with it, I got pregnant that first month. I love my son and always will, but I am pregnant with a new baby now. it is terrifying but I love her as well as my son.

Jo - glad you dr appt went well. i hope you get to hear and see the beautiful heartbeat soon.

my scan went great on thursday. Evie grew so much and now has a heartbeat of 171. of course last night i spotted again a little bit. i have to call dr tomorrow anyway for bolld results so I will tell him. the good news is spotting is gone this morning.

Barbara

[jen805]

Anthonysmom-- :woot: for Memorial Day--so nice to have a Monday off, it sure helps the week go by faster! So happy for you that your scan went well, and you got to see your sweet Evie! Hope things continue to progress smoothly--and no more spotting! Take care!

[Katiegirl]

Hi all.

Barbara - glad to hear things are going well for you. I hope the spotting stays away for good now. When I had spotting at 6 weeks, I honestly thought I would not be able to handle anything more - it just feels that after all we have gone through we should all have smooth and easy pregnancies - but that is unfortunately not how it works. I always thought that this little bub was like a present to you from Anthony, as it was conceived right after his EDD.

Jo - I am giving birth at Frances Perry. As the whole Royal Women's (and Frances Perry) is moving to their new building in June, it means I will be in a brand spanking new hospital. Though I would be prepared to wherever my Ob sent me, if it meant bringing this baby home! I understand what you mean about how emotional this birth will be. Glad to hear your ob has suggested another ultrasound at 17 weeks. You are doing better than me, seeing as I am having to go weekly to keep the crazies at bay! Like you, my ob is also supportive (as you all know I love him!), and due to him believing I won't feel proper movement until after 20 weeks he thinks it will bring peace of mind to come in weekly. The best part is we don't get charged for these weekly visits or scans, as it is covered by the 20 week management fee. Do you think you will be able to add a ticker soon? I waited until after the 12 or 13 week scan.

Jen - I certainly hope you will be joining us soon. We need the company....especially because we all keep hanging out here instead of moving permanently to the preg thread! I just find it so comforting to come back and see our small group and know how everyone is doing.

Hammi - I hope you are doing ok. As Jen said, your loss is still so recent so please be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel bad if you need to, to cry when you want, and also to know that you will find happiness again. Hamish is looking after you.

TM - I hope you are ok? I haven't seen you in here for a long time.

Off for another scan today at 11:40am - so hoping for good news once again so I can rest assured for a few more days. I have always been a worrier, so it is no surprise that this is a very trying and exhausting time for me. I can't wait to get past 20 weeks and feel like we are over half way.

[Katiegirl]

Hi all - quick update. All went well at the scan - we saw the heart beating and the baby moved his/her arms and legs a bit. The baby was completely upside down - perfect position for childbirth but not so great for getting a measurement. After a few minutes we had to give up trying to get a good measurement. I am happy though as my ob said all is progressing well and the baby has moved up a bit more out of my pelvis which is great. So I can rest easy until my next scan

[Inanna]

Yay Katiegirl!!!! So pleased your little one is doing all the right things.

Big big hugs Hammi

[jo76]

hey everyone -
this is a early morning visit to catch up on everyone.
Katie -i thought you had another scan coming through so i am glad it was yesterday and stopped me wondering. I have my 12 week scan (which will be closer to 13 weeks) on monday and if all is well i will add my ticker then. (if i can, i am USELESS at computers!)
Glad your bubs is going well and continuing to give you comfort. you will miss the ultrasounds when they are'nt weekly anymore! I am 12 weeks today and nothinbg terrible to report so i am slowing growing a bit of hope! Alomost throught the first trimester - seems so strange! I feel like it has gone so slowly but so quick! I so agree with the 20 week mark -i think in my mind that has more importance as it is the halfway mark. It will be past when we lost Jack and I think will be a very postive move forward for us all.
Barbara -yay! another step forward, i am very excited for you and hope this is bringing you alot of peace of mind. I hope the spotting stops for you! please take care and rest up!
jen - keeping fingers crossed for you and sending you loads of hugs!
hammi -really hope you are ok!
simba -hi to you too! have'nt lurked at the preg forum lately so will have to see if you have posted there!
take care guys!
xx

[Hammi]

Thank you for all your hugs and warm words. You are all such a comfort to me. The feelings I express here I can only do so to you guys and DH. Sometimes I tell my family or close friends but I don't think you can understand what this feels like unless you've been there... and I hope to God no one else I know will have to go through this.

Katie, I think I will be as "crazy" as you. As soon as I heard that you were doing weekly scans, I thought that's what I'll ask for too. That's very reasonable of your ob not to charge you extra for the weekly consults and scans. I love looking at your ticker and seeing the weeks getting on.

Jo, I'm looking forward to seeing your ticker next week. Oh gosh, you must be holding your breath waiting for your scan. Will you scan in your pict to share with us?

Barbara, I hope your spotting behaves itself so you can relax more into your pregnancy and enjoy being mummy to Evie. What you said makes so much sense... I just hope I have the sense to take your advice and listen to my body and mind.

So Jen, are you still in your 2WW? Any feelings about how you're going? You are such a positive person, I'm glad you found this forum so I can benefit from your support :-)

Hi Flowerchild!

[jo76]

hey katie!
I am sure it was you a few posts back asking about a good nights sleep etc. Look into the future to you growing a nice big belly,heres a thought, i have one of those body pillows. it was given to me by one of the girls at work for preg #1 and was fantastic as you can lay your body weight into it any way you like and you feel supported. I saw k-mart has them on sale as of today so just thought i would mention it!I have used it in between as a really great long pillow to go along my bed as a decoration as i have a satin pillowcase on it!
x

[Katiegirl]

Hi Jo - thanks for the info. I am thinking of getting a wrap around pillow as I seem to roll onto my back during the night and wake up uncomfortable. I will look at the body pillow as well.
I can not wait to hear your news after the 12 week scan. I am sure it will be good.

Hammi - I think it is reasonable to ask for whatever you need to help keep your sanity during a preg. I know weekly scans would not work for some people, but for DH and I they are what helps us a the moment. Once we get past 20 weeks I am not sure what we will decide to do. It was actually my ob that first suggested the weekly scans, and once he said it we decided that would work for us.
You know, I was very scared of adding a ticker, but once I got the courage up to do it, I now also love watching it move forward. For me, each week now after 15 is really a new experience. As Nathaniel (unknowingly) passed at 15 weeks, it means that from here forward I will experience new things, which is quite nice.

As for me, I am feeling okay. i have had a lot of stretching pain low in my pelvis which is to be expected, but I have also been (TMI) constipated the last 2 days, so the pain has been a bit worse. Rationally I know why this is happening, but I still find myself analysing the pain and worrying! Aaaghhh so I am going to eat cereal with extra fibre sprinkled on this morning! I hope that helps. I am also flying to Brisbane tonight to visit my family and DH won't be coming as he has to study for an upcoming exam. We are both quite clingy with each other about it, and I have actually gotten anxious about leaving him! Considering that he and I did a long distance relationship for close to 2 years, this is quite unexpected. I think it is the idea of me being pregnant and being so far away from each other. It is also in the back of my mind that last time I went to Brisbane I was 6 weeks and had a small amount of spotting. So fingers crossed all goes well and is an uneventful trip.

[jen805]

Katiegirl--Glad the recent scan went well and you got to see that healthy again! Still no news on the sex, or is it a secret? I'm sure all your future scans will be just as comforting and reassuring, and will help keep your mind at ease. I can't wait until you get past that 20 week mark--I just think once you get past that, you'll enjoy your pregnancy so much more!


jo--So excited for you to have your scan, as well! I feel like I should know the answer to this already, but is this going to be your first one? Either way, it will be a comfort and give you some peace of mind to see that healthy heartbeat! I can't wait to see your ticker!


Hi Hammi, thanks for asking about me! I could sense in your post that you weren't as down as you were last time you posted, it will get easier everyday! Of course, you'll still have down days, but they'll become fewer and farther between! I agree that this is a very comforting place to be during these times, I don't know what I would've done without the friends I've made here at BB! I am still in the TWW, but my cycle's being a little tricky this time around, so it may end up being a 3WW for me this cycle--well, hopefully it will end it a BFP instead! I'm supposed to test on Sunday, but I just don't know, I'm just going to see how things go. I'm trying to be less uptight about it this month, and I've done pretty good so far, but at times it's a struggle! How's it going with the naturopath?

[jen805]

Katiegirl--We must have been posting at the same time! Enjoy your family and your trip to Brisbane! Have a safe flight!

[Katiegirl]

Hi Jen. Wow a 3WW! Actually I made myself a 3WW wait as I refused to test...I can't wait to hear what the outcome is for you. I honestly believe that these babies come to us at exactly the right time, and we may not even acknowledge that as we want them immediately, but I think there is some reason for the timings. So your baby will come to you when it thinks the time is right, so fingers crossed that it is now!
As for the sex, we don't know yet, but we have decided to find out at th 19 week scan. Last time we didn't want to know, but we have decided that this time around we want to know our baby as much as we can. I am a little disappointed that we will find out, but at the same time it will be nice to know. DH thinks it is a girl and I am thinking a boy - so we have a bet that whoever loses has to give the winner a 15 min massage for a week. I really hope I don't lose as I hate giving massages (but love receiving them). DH said we won't tell people once we know the sex but I don't know if I can keep it a secret. Plus my sister has saved all her nice baby clothes for me, and said if I tell her it means she can send them ahead of time! I think it is her just trying to find out.

Also forgot to add that the other day I had a dream that I gave birth (well they actually just appeared) to twin boys! One had a full head of dark hair, and one was unusually a red head. My DH has also had a dream that I gave birth and he was holding and cuddling a baby boy with dark hair. Sometimes I wonder if this is actually Nathaniel, but it has furthered my resolve that this is a boy. But then again...I could be wrong!

[jo76]

hey guys!
i had a surprise phone call from the hospital today. Amanda who i have mentioned previously as our wonderwoman at the hosptial (she is head of the loss and miscarriage unit) left a message on my phone while i was working to say she was thinking of us in this pregnancy (not sure how she found out, has obviously come across our admission somehow) and was wondering how we had been since we lost Jack and looked forward to seeing us down there when we have our ultrasounds etc. She said she was there any time we needed to talk to someone in this pregnancy and hoped to see us in a few months time. It was a really nice thing to do and when i told mum she said she has almost gone out of her way and job requirements to keep the folllow up going. Its a comfort to know we can lean on her if we need to.
katie - TMi shared -don't even mention constipation to me, i am sure i am the queen of it! And my belly has'nt become rounded as much as i thought -its just my poor bloated belly! ha! But like you, i take it as a sign that things are going as they should, despite my discomfort! I am excited to find out what you are having! I found out with josh and emily and would have at the 20 week with Jack. This preg i am thinking i may do the opposite and wait, but it is early yet and my impatient mind will change i am sure. i felt i could really bond with my baby more when i knew the sex as it it made it so much more personal for me, but thats just my thinking. You do what you want to do and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! (cos trust me, you'll have your negative people!) I so hope you win that massage -fab, fab, fab idea!!!!
jen - i know what you mean by wanting to wait for testing. i got told by my physic i was pregnant and at that stage was a few days late but had'nt wanted to test yet.(we like to drive ourselves crazy by dragging it out!) This 12 week scan will be my 2nd one this preg as i had an 8 week one. I am already feeling very emotional about it so we will see how it all goes. Sunday night will be very sleepless and they had better be running on time!!!!!
hammi - day by day -just remember! ok?!? And we are here always, so take care!
barbara - hope you are well and baby evie is doing even better!!!
tm - still think about you!
take care everyone!
x jo

[Katiegirl]

Hi all - been away visiting my family in Brisbane for the weekend, and got back last night. I hope you all had lovely and relaxing weekends.

Jo - I think we will find out the sex as DH feels that he wants to know as much about this baby as he can. I am not sure if that makes sense but after what happened with Nathaniel, DH wants to make each day count. That is wonderful about the midwife - what an amazing woman. It is so wonderful to hear that some hospitals has support in place for people like us. Frances Perry have the Preg after Loss support group that Simba and I go to - and it is led by a midwife as well. And luckily my constipation appears to have eased!!! The joy!

I have a lot of work to get through so had better get back to it. Will do more personals later. I also have another scan tomorrow - and for some reason I really need this one (I say that every week!). I think going home and seeing so many people and my pregnancy being so public has got me spooked. I get quite scared when it comes to telling people, as the crazy woman in my head starts to panic. So it will be good to have the scan and put my worries and irrational thoughts aside for a few more days.