I walked into the office this morning, one of the girls in my team said "how are you" and I burst into tears. I've been pretty stressed at work but also the fact that August starts today is a bit all too much.
My AF this cycle is really weird - TMI coming up....
... it's usually bright red but this one started brown, turned dark red and now back to browny-red. I wonder if my "plugging" did that. Or maybe it's just my state of mind.
Welcome Paula. I'm very sorry that you've had to join us but I'm glad we can offer you support in a situation you never should have to face. Take your time to think about TTC but don't wait too long. I've gone from wanting to get pregnancy right now to be super scared and thinking that maybe I'm not meant to have a living baby.
I love all the additional tickers in here. Go you good mammas!
Oh Paula, I remember that first posting. I did the same stalked the threads for a while, quietly approached Hammi to befriend, which was great as she gently coaxed me to join this thread. The feelings that you go through on this journey are such a primal instinct, we lost Cooper at 23wks+5days, to an infection. He lived only 15 mins. We knew before he was born that we would try again as soon as we could. It took my body about 3 months to get a normal period back, which in a way I am grateful for. I so desperately wanted to get pregnant, but this time has allowed the anxiety about TTC leave and let the nurturing overtake. I have just had my first 'real cycle' pass, and now I am looking to the future with great optimism, don't get me wrong, there are days that are horrible, but my love for another child is calmly overwhelming. You are your time frame, and you and DH will know when that time is right. You have found a fantastic group of ladies here that will support, laugh & cry with you.
Hi, gals. I'm feeling pretty good today -- that is, I'm feeling a little bit sick to my stomach, which makes me feel good.
Paula -- I'm so sorry. All I can say is that this forum has been really important in me feeling gradually better.
Doctors always say such different things about when THEY think you should try again -- wait until after your first normal period, wait 3 months, wait 6 months, etc... but I read a thousand times on the net and heard from my own doctor that there are little to no medical reasons for them saying that, but rather that they're trying to trick you into taking the time to heal emotionally. We were told there was no medical reason not to start again once I'd stopped bleeding and the infection risk was over.
And that's what we did, because any reason a doctor or counselor can give as to why I should wait 3 months or 6 months just doesn't fit my situation (and I don't see how it can fit anyone's situation). Now is my TMI: The "trying" before my first period came wasn't much to speak of -- we simply didn't use protection whenever we had sex, and of course we had little or no way of knowing when I might ovulate or how things were going there before the first period. We were intimate more often than usual, as we're typically not frequent hay-rollers, but emotionally I needed the affection. I cried the first few times when it was over, but I still felt it was helpful for me to be close with my husband. After I did get my first AF we tried really actively and intensely and now I'm pregnant after only 2 cycles.
Yes, I'm going to worry, LOADS, that this baby will pass as well. I've already noticed that I'm much more muted and less excited about this pregnancy, and that is most likely a subconscious defense mechanism.
However, I wouldn't be less worried if I waited a year to try again. I wouldn't be more happy or optimistic or excited. And I certainly wouldn't feel any better right now if I weren't pregnant. All I would have done is prolong my worry and sadness and "What if?" thinking, and furthermore, feel more like a victim; feel even more robbed. My second chance is now, and I don't feel "perfect" but I believe I feel the best that I can and that I've made the right choice.
I will admit that it makes a difference that it went really quickly for me to get pregnant again, and since I know that every AF when TTC and feeling the way we do is a crisis, I understand why they say it might not be right for everyone to start trying again right away. I think some people do need to let some time pass so they can be strong enough to handle both the sadness of each AF that comes and the worry that kicks in as soon as the BFP comes. I just know that I was not that person; I'm a person who suffers panic-level impatience and knew that strength would not come to me until I had this new life inside me.
I'm feeling sad for Lan today, because I can see that you're dealing with a lot emotionally. I know it's hard that it's August now, just as I know it'll be hell in October when my EDD comes and exatly then I'll be 16 weeks pregnant, just about where I was when I lost my baby. I will probably be a wreck. I'm sad that you're scared of trying again, but if I may be boringly logical -- we're scared of being pregnant again because we're scared of losing another baby and another chance at having a lovely little child -- but we won't have that child if we never take that chance. It's seems grim, I know, but I know you'll get there.
I'm on edge for Sue, too. Hoping for the best.
Nice to see Rozzie's ticker, too! Shall we race each other to April?
I'm at my parents house for the weekend as DH went skiing with his family (I can't ski, and wasn't up for the in-law family reunion). When I arrived my father was asleep and when he woke up I pointed out there was a message on the machine for him... he played it and it was my mother saying that he should get rid of the photos of my sister's newborn baby on the fridge before I arrive. Too late!
I've been thinking I want to try to have a natural birth, which is contentious because I had a C-section with Edward. The problem is each successive C-section makes the next pregnancy riskier, and I want 3-4 children (not sure how realistic that is but I live in hope). The other problem is that with the blood thinners I'm on, the usual course of action is to go off the meds then induce, but induction increases the risk of rupture for VBACs. Catch 22!!! Plenty of time to work things out I guess.
Have been having a few pangs in the womb, think I remember that from last time... anyway I figure what will be will be and worrying about a M/C won't prevent it so there's no point... not that I think that will happen, I feel confident everything will be OK. That may change once I hit 22 weeks!
Lan, I feel for you, dealing with an impending EDD is so hard. I also know how you feel when you say you wonder if you're meant to have a baby... when I found out that my blood condition could have caused the loss I wondered if I might never have a baby, but here I am pregnant, receiving treatment and I feel that it will work out. It will work out for you too. Your AF is probably just working itself out, mine were very odd and different after birth too.
Sue, fingers crossed, I hope it's your month!!
Tildy, I agree with all your comments. Pregnancy is scary now but it's the only way to have the baby we want! It also feels right to be preggers again.
Paula, Tildy is right about the recommendations of doctors, I think physically your body won't ovulate unless it's ready to be pregnant again. I think it's a bit different with a full term loss because of the stress on the body but for 2nd trimester losses you should be able to try soon. I was told to wait 2 cycles but that's only because I had a surgical birth and the scar needed to heal.
Helen, good luck for this cycle... the only good thing about AF arriving is you know things are working and you can try again soon!
Thanks everyone, it definitely feels like a lighter burden when you have others to share it with. Its very encouraging to hear about all you pregnant women who have built up the courage to go again. I wasn't sure I would be able to get through 9mnths of worry but seeing others doing it gives me confidence.
My OB says there is no reason why we can't have a completely normal and healthy pregnancy next time round. When I had my first miscarriage he was so reassuring about the next pregnancy saying there's no reason for it to happen again. Now after losing Charlie its hard to believe that everything will be ok, even though statistically everything should be fine. Statistics have let us all down before.
One thing I did gain from losing Charlie (aside from a beautiful angel baby) is the knowledge of how soon our little babies become real little people. Its hard to connect that picture on the US screen with an actual person growing inside you and all the info on the websites about babies development doesn't really register. Now that I have had a baby at 23wks and held her and seen how beautiful and perfect she was I know I will connect much earlier with my next baby.
That brings me to something else I've been thinking about... whether to find out the sex. When I had my son we found out he was a boy at the 19wk US and named him on the way home in the car. With Charlie, I had a strong feeling she was a girl (so did my 4yo) but at the 12wk scan they told us she was a boy. I still thought she was a girl but DH was convinced she was a boy. We decided we wouldn't find out at the 19wk scan as I wanted a surprise.
I know this might sound weird but when they told us she was a girl after she was born it was kind of a nice surprise much as it would have if she had gone full term. Anyway, part of me is thinking I would like that surprise next time, but part of me feel like I bonded better with my son during pregnancy because I knew he was a boy and what his name was. I just feel sad sometimes because we wasted so much of the precious time we had with Charlie wondering if she was a boy or girl. I feel like I didn't make the most of the time I had with her and that I dont' want to do that with the next baby.
I don't want to plan for the worst but its kind of like just in case I do lose the next baby I don't want to have wasted a single second of my time with them.
Anyway, I know I've been babbling on but was just wondering what everyone else is planning.
Oh well, we get to try again next month. Though we don't seem to get pregnant easily.
Getting test results back tomorrow for Skin Biopsy. Fingers crossed all OK and thats not another thing I have to worry about.
Had another girl announce her pregnancy here at work on Friday. It is so so hard. Had a bit of a cry on Friday night and Sat morning, feeling depressed on whether I and DH will ever have our dream of having our own child. I am happy for her, and it infuriates me that I feel this way......
Though I funny thing happened on Sat. We already got a name for a girl (Lily) and when out shopping in Coles on Sat with DH, this little girl with her grandparents had a colourful ball and she dropped it and it rolled towards me, the little girl was trying to stop it, but eventually it ended up going past me and I stopped it for the little girl. Anyway her grandparents yelled out "Lily" come on pick up the ball, we have to pay for it. Of course I was totally shocked and looked at my DH. I think it was the universe telling me not to give up.....
Sorry about AF Sryan, I think you're right about that little sign though, don't give up, surely there must be some good news just around the corner for you. If only pregnancy were catching we'd all be fine! Is it just me or are there a lot more pregnant women in the world lately. It seems I can't go anywhere without seeing women who are pregnant. And they all seem so blissfully unaware at how precarious that life inside them is. I know I was first time round when I was pregnant with my son. Never again!
I like your choice of name too. DH and I have shortlisted Lily for a girl. That's code for me having chosen it and DH still not aware that he doesn't really have any say!
Yes, everyone DOES seem to be pregnant. I still notice myself sneering a little bit when I see a pregnant woman, even though I'm pregnant again myself. Because I don't know that things are going to work out for me yet, so I still... well, I don't know if "resent" is the right word, but it's close anyway. And you should see the street that I live on. My counselor told me in the beginning that it might be a good idea to avoid places with lots of pregnant bellies or baby buggies, and I just laughed and said I wouldn't be able to go home. Our neighborhood was built last year, 27 brand-new houses, so you can guess that we're the only people in all 27 that have no children (we're like the pariahs!) and guess whose house is right across from the neighborhood's own playground? Yup, that's us! Sometimes I was so angry at not being able to have a cup of coffee without hearing the laughing and screaming and childplay all day that I secretly hoped one of our two kitties had soiled the sandbox.
So part of me felt really bad for excitedly announcing here that I was preggers, because I felt guilty inside that it was going to be a little pinch of pain for those of you who got AF instead of a BFP. But I'm hoping that you guys feel the way I do about it -- the random pregnant women on the street make me said and a little mad, but you guys are different; you guys getting pregnant and having successful, uneventful pregnancies would be the best thing ever. So I hope my BFP has made you feel a bit better instead of a bit worse!
I'm freaking out a bit today because my temps have dropped. I probably should have stopped temping, but I didn't, and here we are.
Rozzie, how's it going? You're my partner in crime, you know!
I don't think you should feel bad at all Tildy. I can't speak for everyone else but one of the reasons I came to the board was that I wanted to hear about women who had been through what I had but were able to get pregnant and have healthy babies afterwards. I think the saddest thing would be if we were all trying to get prenant and no-one was having any luck.
Of course we'll all be terribly jealous I'm sure when your bundle of joy arrives safe n sound! But we'll also be terribly excited, because every time one of us gets across the finish line, it gives us all that little bit more hope that we'll be able to do it as well. It also makes a difference because we know what you've had to face to get to this point. I find the random pregnant women in the street hard because I can't help but think 'why do you deserve to keep your baby and I don't?', I know that's not the way it works but sometimes you just can't help the way you feel.
The day after we lost Charlie, my cousin had a baby girl. My DH was really upset because she drinks and smokes and lives on KFC whereas I am a complete health freak, it just didn't seem fair. But she had actually lost a son who was stillborn close to full term several years ago. Instead of feeling angry that she had a baby girl to take home and I didn't, I chose to see her as hope of what might be in my future. Even if she isn't that healthy, she had suffered the same pain as me and I was happy she was getting her happy ending.
So Tildy, keep the good news coming, we all need it just as much as you do!
Tildy, we really are partners in crime, I've still been charting too!! though not for the last few days while I've been at the folks' house. I wouldn't worry about your temps, according to FF something like only 23% of preg charts are triphasic. That's rough about where you live, I find it hard enough driving past a childcare centre on my way home every day.
Sue, sorry about AF good luck with this cycle. I think Lily is sending you a sign that she'll be with you soon.
Mrs Robbo, I agree, when I think about friends and family who have had problem free pregnancies and births, I sort of feel like they're almost slightly undeserving, though of course they're not. It's just I don't think they can appreciate how lucky they are unless they know what it's like to have the dream taken away.
Well today the sensitive nose kicked in, a wave of nasuea hit me when I opened the puppy's food, and I'm quite tired today, so it seems the symptoms are kicking in. Luckily I've made a heap of food to freeze so we don't have to cook when I don't feel like it. Last time when I had M/S all I wanted so fatty and salty junk food, very unlike me, I have to try and be good this time.
Hope all is well, we'll all have to discuss strategies to deal with impending EDDs soon.
Hi girls!
i wrote the biggest post to you all the other day and it is nowhere to be found!grr! was obviously the start of computer probs that has kept me off the last few days. will write to you all tomorrow as i have just finished reading all your posts and of course i feel the need to write another essay! ha!
take care till tomorrow! x jo
Hi all. Where to start? I go away for a few days and I get so far behind.
Tildy - don't feel bad about glaring at pregnant women. It is a reminder of what you have lost and I think all of us find it hard when confronted with bellies and babies. I must admit that I have started to find it easier the bigger I get - so you have this to look forward to. Also I think most women who find themselves on this forum find it easier to be happy for us than for women in real life - I think it is because we all appreciate the pain and grief we have been through and it brings hope every time one of us announces a BFP and a birth. We are different from other women - that is the sad fact and that is why we are all here. I find I can't even join the Belly Buddies thread for my due date because I just don't think I could understand what they are going through nor have them understand. I have been a psycho at times with this preg and I prefer the company of other women who understand that and don't try to tell me what I should be doing or thinking. So big hugs to all of you who get sad, mad or upset when you see a pregnant women - just remember your turn will come.
Jo - I am sure you are nervous about your upcoming scan, but I am praying that it brings you wonderful news and you will be able to move forward.
Sue - sorry AF showed her ugly face.
Rozzie - yippee for nausea and sensitive noses! Funny how something so unpleasant can be so welcome.
Hi to anyone else I have forgotten.
As for me, well I went to the party and I am proud to say that I held the baby boy. He is beautiful. I hesitated momentarily when asked if I wanted a hold but said yes - and DH was beside me and I know he was watching out for me. He is a beautiful baby and he kept staring at me with big blue eyes - in fact I think that helped because I have always imagined that Nathaniel has dark brown eyes like mine - so it didn't get confusing...if that makes sense. I felt a couple of little pangs but it was more bittersweet than anything. I am glad I held him as it has helped me know I can do that and be ok.
Tildy - firstly I want to apologise if I made you feel difficult to write in the forum here. That definately wasnt my intention. What you say is totally correct. I love the fact that I chat with other people on BB who have been through similar situations, succeed in their dreams of having their beautiful miracles. It makes it hard with others, who don't understand the issues and don't appreciate what they have.
Rozzie, hope you are going OK with the nausea. It must make you feel so good that you are starting to have symptoms.
Katie I am so proud of you for holding the little boy. Must have been hard to do.... Wow your ticker is going up and up, you must be getting very excited now....
Jo goodluck for your scan..... I will be thinking of you.
Hammi - how is AF going - has it settled down??? I find that around and during AF, I am very emotional and will cry at anything. My DH just laughs at me and I just say to him "lucky I am not *****y around this time" he he he
I've been looking at this thread in the list of threads for a few weeks now, but only since the EDD of my son Vincent have I felt ready to join in on the TTC fun.
I'm a newbie too and have found it really helpful to share thoughts and feelings with others who know what i'm going through. So sorry about your angel Vincent, such a strong name... I'm sure he's out there doing something wonderful for the world.
Where are you at with the ttc, have you started or are you about to start? Good luck with it and I look forward to celebrating a BFP with you soon!
. We knew before he was born that we would try again as soon as we could. It took my body about 3 months to get a normal period back, which in a way I am grateful for. I so desperately wanted to get pregnant, but this time has allowed the anxiety about TTC leave and let the nurturing overtake. I have just had my first 'real cycle' pass, and now I am looking to the future with great optimism, don't get me wrong, there are days that are horrible, but my love for another child is calmly overwhelming. You are your time frame, and you and DH will know when that time is right. You have found a fantastic group of ladies here that will support, laugh & cry with you.
welcome
to our group. I am so sorry about the loss of your little angel Vincent.
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