just got a call from my Mum, am in a bit of a weird place. My brother's wife is apparently going through a miscarriage at the moment. She was meant to be aroud 12 weeks and started bleeding, so Mum took her to emergency (my brother's away so she's staying at my parents) where they did a scan. They told her she was 6 weeks, which she said she definitely wasn't, as she'd had a dating scan earlier with a H/B which from what it sounds like is now absent. Anyway, she's sad obviously but is dealing with it OK, they have two healthy girls and this is her 1st M/C.
I am a bit shocked at how I feel... I just had a niggling feeling she would be pregnant at the same time as me which I really didn't want. My sister was 4 weeks ahead of me during my first pregnancy and even then I felt her pregnancy overshadowed mine a bit, even when I thought nothing was wrong, and now I have a living relative who'll always remind me how old Edward should have been. I was really hoping that SIL wouldn't be pregnant at the same time, and now I feel sorry for them but can't muster up that much genuine sympathy... it's not like I'm angry at them for getting pregnant, I know they they have to do what's right for them. Family gatherings will be interesting in the future, my sister's daughter will remind me of Edward and my child will remind brother and SIL of their lost child.
I find myself unable to be genuinely 'happy for' other people... a friend who had a boy a week or so after I was due rang and spoke to DH last night, he doesn't even tell me about the baby, I just don't want to know. I find myself angry or something like that that they got pregnant straight away and had an easy pregnancy. Her sister I know has had two abortions just due to falling pregnant accidentally and has gone on to have two gorgeous girls now, and I feel like she's less deserving. It's so silly because I know that nature doesn't care about fairness or morality but still I feel this way. It makes me feel like a horrible person that I can't be happy for them, I'm normally a really sympathetic and feeling person. I feel worse after I told DH about SIL and then said something like 'I knew she'd be pregnant at the same time, which is selfish I know' and he said 'that is selfish'.
I can't help how I feel, up until now I haven't felt too guilty but I'm really now starting to wonder if this will ever change. I think this is part of the reason I don't want to engage with family and friends, particularly the ones with kids because that way I can keep these unpleasant feelings hidden from them.
Anyway, for now I'm glad I haven't announced the pregnancy to the rest of the family, now seems like a bad time.
I'm struggling to wrestle with these disturbing feelings, and what's even more worrying is if we had another loss I don't know if I could come back from them. Sorry to be all about me for a while, I'd appreciate advice from anyone who's felt something similar.
Bookmarks