I have been reading through all that you have written and I totally understand the feelings of hurt, anger and guilt. It is only normal to feel some form of 'resentment' towards others when they have exactly the thing you desperately desire and have been denied in the cruellest of ways.

I have also found myself struggling since Nathaniel with a mix of emotions. On one hand my brother had a baby boy a few days before we found out about Nathaniel, and yet I never felt any anger towards them. I even held their baby 2 weeks after losing Nathaniel. Same with some friends who's baby boy I have always been able to hold. And of course there is our friends who had a boy (everyone was having boys which did hurt) about 3 weeks after Nathaniel was due. I was very happy for them but I had no desire to rush and see their baby. He was about 3 months by the time I met him and I did hold him and on some levels it hurt like hell, but on another it was very healing. I know they have always felt bad that they got their baby and we didn't, and in a way that has helped us as it means they 'get it'. I even had a girl ask me when that particular baby was due, and I wanted to scream at her...3 weeks after my baby should have been!!! I could not believe that she could be so insensitive to ask me, especially when I know she sees these people more. I just shrugged and said I didn't know. It hurt but it also reminded me that not everyone understands and sometimes people say things without realising how much hurt it will cause. Early on I found it very difficult to hear about other people (besides BB women) falling pregnant as it just hurt too much, especially if I heard that they weren't necessarily thrilled about it.

Don't any of you feel terrible for your emotions and thoughts. I have not read anything malicious or nasty, simply grieving mothers who desperately miss their babies and find reminders all the more difficult. I think it is wonderful that we all feel we can come here and be honest about our feelings and not feel we will be judged. No one can possibly understand the grief unless they have been touched by it either directly or know someone close to them. I am sure that at times, I wasn't always supportive of my sister after her 2 late losses. She should have been 8 months pregnant as a bridesmaid at my wedding, but she wasn't. I am sure on the day she had moments when it reminded her of her little boy.

So be kind to yourselves. And when you all get your BFPs just deal with it the way that feels right. I was very lowkey with this pregnancy and it made me nervous having too many people in public make a fuss etc. I think people picked up that I didn't want a marching band reaction, so most people have been very supportive. Also if people ask me how I have been, both DH and I would always say that it is difficult and emotional and anxiety-filled. I felt this reminded them that this was not our first time and that we needed a different kind of support to the usual.

Anyway, big hugs to you all. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and know that we have all been sitting here nodding our heads and understanding!

Jo - I hope you have a lovely day for Em's birthday and that everyone behaves!