TTC after Late Loss, Recurrent Miscarriage or Stillbirth #2 2010

[crumpet]

AFM: Sigh... CD35 and pretty much no sign of AF, ovulation, or pregnancy. Oh, except for really snippy moods, nausea, and being a little gassy, which could be a symptom of any of them I've done yet another few tests, all negative. Still going to test on Thursday, but now I don't hold too much hope. I'll get Scott to buy me a First Response for my birthday

Also, I had a tiny little breakdown on Saturday while looking at my cousin's baby I wrote more on my blog, but it was just so terrible not being able to cuddle him. I really dislike my cousin for never letting me near him - what am I going to do, steal him? (She doesn't seem to like me much now she's realised I was never one of our nan's favourites - she bloody idolises the woman, especially now she's dead... But that's a whole new thread right there lol)

good luck testing hun.....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOO!!!!!!

WTF?? ur cousin wont let u cuddle her baby??? its not like ur a psycho!!!! maybe she thinks its easier on u by not cuddling him after what u have been through??? ppl are weird when u go through what we all have.

[COLOR=olive]
Crumpet. Loving the short hair. it is weird but i really needed a makeover and I feel like i have had it like this for years, very comfortable. Glad i did it and feel very proud for being brave!
AFM- CD10 today and preparing my head and body to fall pregnant. Trying to keep a level head.
My thoughts had returned to the adjustment i made when i fell pregnant with DD. I remember being a little sad for leaving the single(married), childless world behind as anyone would. The end of one stage in your life and the begining of another which i longed for, being a mother. I felt guilt for struggling with this adjustment, having tried for so long and wanting a child for so long. I though i had no right to feel thsi way and should have been grateful. I remember thinking wow, i give up so much for this, to be a mother. I got my head around it and grieved a little over that. At that stage i never knew how much my life was going to change. But i think it is really important to aknowledge that this is normal...isn't it. It is ok to feel the whoel array of emotions even if you feel you should be grateful.
Right now like Powelly, i still really want a baby...but i am so very scared. My anger and sadness for losing that innocence will no doubt fade a little over time and affect me less but for now, sometimes it consumes me. Everthing i ever looked forward to is gone. It is taking me a great deal to get through this part. That is ok, hey.

good on u hun!!!!

good luck this cycle have everything crossed for u!!

Crumpet - Mine was day procedure under general anaesthetic at 14 weeks. From the time the wardie took me in to surgery to the time I woke up in recovery was no more than 2 hours, and that also included a fire alarms testing ( when nothing could be done). I might have been overnight if I didn't recover well or the Ob wanted to have me observed but in the end I didn't need to be and to be honest, I felt great after the procedure. Euphoric ( wonder if that was the anaesthetic?). I might have had a catheter in during the procedure, but I didn't have one before or after, that's for sure. I might ask when I see my Ob. I have never had a problem with a catheter, so they don't worry me but if I were to be bed bound I would prefer one! I so wholeheartedly agree with you about the unpleasantness of using a bed pan! Maybe with practice it gets easier and less weird. Hey, I also know what you mean about time going quickly but at the same time dragging! Contradictions are so pervasive on this journey.

i asked to have it under general but my OB wont do it, so its spinal tap and sedation for me.....

the only reason i dont like the thought of a catheter was the memory of having one when in labour with Gus and remembering how much it hurt!! lordy that wasnt pleasant!

hello to everyone, hope ur all travelling along ok.....

seems we have hit another hurdle.......
DH is struggling a little bit atm.....
i know he feels neglected coz im so anti being touched atm, just dont want to be poked and prodded and what not so there goes cuddles on the couch at night, plus no sexy time, plus im a bit of a loose cannon too.....
but he is sad.
he says he is sad, but wont say anymore coz he doesnt want to upset me.....
i keep telling him i dont care and i know he doesnt meant it but he wont say anything else..
last night i got out of him that he just wishes he could come home to me and Gus, not to the dramas of pregnancy again which i understand coz i know its not easy on him.....
its breaking my heart and i wish i knew how to help him...

we are both at the point now where we both fully expect the disappointmet of last time, and both dont expect to have our baby after all of this.....

just another hurdle to jump i suppose *sigh*

[dory]

Gi - you had me ROTFL with your description of they greys.... that is so true. What is it with them? Why won't they just lie low and be unobtrusive? It's like you describe. Sticking up everywhere drawing attention to themselves - and are yours thicker? Maybe I should think about mine as a badge of honour and a reminder of my journey? Not sure if I can let go of my vanity about grey hair yet... I had a rinse once and it was awful. Scared me so much I didn't have one for another 10 years. The colour was wrong and I didn't feel comfortable at all, so I know where you are coming from there.

Crumpet - oh sweetie - poor DH. It is tough, so tough, tough on you and DH. I think you can help him best just by being there and being honest. Now isn't the time to hide away those feelings, and same for him. The way through is by supporting each other. Maybe as hard as it is, you can do something to make this pregnancy special? I am having trouble with ideas for you - maybe a special dinner, or setting aside a quiet time every week to just talk and allow yourselves to dream and hope a little or if you can't do that yet, just to have some peace in the moment. My poor DH is in a "drought" too, but we try and still show our affections. Holding hands, an email, a txt, a silly note left somewhere unexpected, a card in the mail, doing something special for each other - cooking a fav meal or making a hot drink for the other. Or in my case, sometimes it's trying not to talk his ear off about things he really isn't interested in and just let him have some quiet time. That is sooooo much harder than it sounds. LOL. Sometimes DH will bring home a treatie for me - a freddo or other lolly. I must be sad if I find that exciting. But I do. What it means is he took the time to think of me and then did something about it. How cool is that? Your relationship with your DH is important and worth celebrating. It's easy to let our much desired goal take all the attention ..... try not to forget yourselves and how much you care for each other in the process of trying to achieve your dreams. Oh I just realised why my catheter experience wasn't painful.... perhaps the epidural had something to do with it? God I feel so dumb..... only taken me 18 months to work that one out.

AFM- well Fur baby 2 is having his tooth extracted today. I am not as anxious or upset as I was 2 weeks ago for fur baby #1, but still am a little anxious especially when he appears to have lost 400g in 3 weeks. Will hopefully get some answers on that either later today after he is weighed with different scales or tomorrow when his blood work comes back. As for now I am just counting down til 4.30pm - his discharge time, then I can fuss over him. He is truly my fur baby. I spent a lot of time cuddling him last night and this morning and just listening to his intoxicating purr. It is truly one of the best sounds in my world.

A big hello to Susie Q, Angelic, Chez, ChrisW, Tenibear.

[crumpet]

Crumpet - oh sweetie - poor DH. It is tough, so tough, tough on you and DH. I think you can help him best just by being there and being honest. Now isn't the time to hide away those feelings, and same for him. The way through is by supporting each other. Maybe as hard as it is, you can do something to make this pregnancy special? I am having trouble with ideas for you - maybe a special dinner, or setting aside a quiet time every week to just talk and allow yourselves to dream and hope a little or if you can't do that yet, just to have some peace in the moment. My poor DH is in a "drought" too, but we try and still show our affections. Holding hands, an email, a txt, a silly note left somewhere unexpected, a card in the mail, doing something special for each other - cooking a fav meal or making a hot drink for the other. Or in my case, sometimes it's trying not to talk his ear off about things he really isn't interested in and just let him have some quiet time. That is sooooo much harder than it sounds. LOL. Sometimes DH will bring home a treatie for me - a freddo or other lolly. I must be sad if I find that exciting. But I do. What it means is he took the time to think of me and then did something about it. How cool is that? Your relationship with your DH is important and worth celebrating. It's easy to let our much desired goal take all the attention ..... try not to forget yourselves and how much you care for each other in the process of trying to achieve your dreams. Oh I just realised why my catheter experience wasn't painful.... perhaps the epidural had something to do with it? God I feel so dumb..... only taken me 18 months to work that one out.

AFM- well Fur baby 2 is having his tooth extracted today. I am not as anxious or upset as I was 2 weeks ago for fur baby #1, but still am a little anxious especially when he appears to have lost 400g in 3 weeks. Will hopefully get some answers on that either later today after he is weighed with different scales or tomorrow when his blood work comes back. As for now I am just counting down til 4.30pm - his discharge time, then I can fuss over him. He is truly my fur baby. I spent a lot of time cuddling him last night and this morning and just listening to his intoxicating purr. It is truly one of the best sounds in my world.

A big hello to Susie Q, Angelic, Chez, ChrisW, Tenibear.

i have been thinking about booking a 3D scan for DH as a suprise, i know he doesnt see the need for them but i think he might enjoy just seeing bub 3D before it arrives.....
ive been trying to do things to make life easier for him to, like bake a cake or some biscuts for work, i cook every night and do all the house stuff, coz i know he feels the pressure with being the sole earner in the house atm......

might have to get more creative and do something else a bit more special...... thanks for the ideas hun anything helps atm.....

awww hope ur furbaby does ok with his op today!

[SusieQ]

Teni - happy belated birthday. Hope your cycle has sorted it self out and that you do get you BFP on your birthday. I will always remember when I got my BFP with DS cause it was Xmas day!!! Best present ever. I'm so sorry that you are having problems with your cousin. I don't think people really understand until they go through this themselves (which if i had one genie wish it would be that nobody did have to go through it).

Dory - your poor furbaby. I hope he/she is OK and that he/she is loving all the extra cuddles and attention. Also good to hear that things are moving along for you with your bubs (stalking you on the preg forum)

Gigi - well done girl for striking out with the new hair do! Me - hmmm tried the bob once but didn't work. Have had the same long (Rachel from friends type) hair do for the past 10 years but would love to have the guts to do something different!!

Crumpet - Oh sweetie, I am so sorry your DH is having such a tough time. Men grieve just as hard don't they but show it in different ways and also dealing with the anxiety about this pregnancy must be hard on both of you. Take care of each other. Good luck with the stitch also. Doesn't sound pleasant but then I was surprised how quickly I recovered from D&C's so I hope you will recover from your surgery quickly also.

Now, I know this may seem absolutely unbelievable but my year of hell is continuing. I have the chickenpox at the ripe old age of 35!!! With everything else I have been through it is almost so ridiculous you have to laugh. Somehow DS managed to avoid it (though I imagine I picked it up at some kids class we go to) but he is bound to get it in a couple of weeks. So just as I will get better, he will get it and we will probably be house bound for a month (a fate worse than death with a toddler!!) DH has been awesome and is taking time of work to look after him as it isn't fair to keep him locked up all day with me and also I have been feeling like the hell the past couple of days. I am feeling a bit better now that the worst headache of my life has gone along with the fever but now I am starting to itch. My DH has a list of products an arm long to take to the pharmacy, Calamine lotion, anti-hist, calendula cream. Hopefully the anti-hist will make me so drowsy I won't remember the next week or so!!

The only up-side to this was that when I was pregnant with DD I was always paranoid that I or DS would pick up chicken pox somewhere. At least next pregnancy I won't have to worry. Also, this last D&C seems to have been successful as I haven't had any bleeding. Just have to wait for next period now as there definitely will be no sexy time with me being pox riddled!!!! I really do look like a plague victim from the middle ages.....

[TeniBear]

Not belated at all, Susie, you're right on time Bummer about having chickenpox

[crumpet]

Crumpet - Oh sweetie, I am so sorry your DH is having such a tough time. Men grieve just as hard don't they but show it in different ways and also dealing with the anxiety about this pregnancy must be hard on both of you. Take care of each other. Good luck with the stitch also. Doesn't sound pleasant but then I was surprised how quickly I recovered from D&C's so I hope you will recover from your surgery quickly also.

Now, I know this may seem absolutely unbelievable but my year of hell is continuing. I have the chickenpox at the ripe old age of 35!!! With everything else I have been through it is almost so ridiculous you have to laugh. Somehow DS managed to avoid it (though I imagine I picked it up at some kids class we go to) but he is bound to get it in a couple of weeks. So just as I will get better, he will get it and we will probably be house bound for a month (a fate worse than death with a toddler!!) DH has been awesome and is taking time of work to look after him as it isn't fair to keep him locked up all day with me and also I have been feeling like the hell the past couple of days. I am feeling a bit better now that the worst headache of my life has gone along with the fever but now I am starting to itch. My DH has a list of products an arm long to take to the pharmacy, Calamine lotion, anti-hist, calendula cream. Hopefully the anti-hist will make me so drowsy I won't remember the next week or so!!

The only up-side to this was that when I was pregnant with DD I was always paranoid that I or DS would pick up chicken pox somewhere. At least next pregnancy I won't have to worry. Also, this last D&C seems to have been successful as I haven't had any bleeding. Just have to wait for next period now as there definitely will be no sexy time with me being pox riddled!!!! I really do look like a plague victim from the middle ages.....

thanks hun, he seems a lot better now, might have been a bad 2 weeks i think.....
i had a D&C almost straight after delivering coz my placenta disintegrated due to the infection and i did ok after than so hopefully the stitch is the same, although my OB says he doesnt want me completely asleep, mind u im not telling him i tend to zonk when anything stronger than oanadine forte is in my system!! lol......

wow chicken pox u poor poor thing!! i had it at 14 and it was hell!!!

hope it goes away soon!

[ChrisW]

Hello Ladies!

First and foremost – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TENIBEAR!!! It’s still the 9th here in the states but I think you’re already onto the 10th where you are (or are you onto the 11th and I missed it?). Hope you have (had) a great day. My fingers are still crossed for you for June!! Did you test today? Also big raspberry to your cousin!

Dory – Thanks for the encouragement. I am looking at Dr. Joanne Kwak-Kim at the Chicago School of Medicine (RFU). She worked closely with Dr. Beer during his time in Chicago prior to his starting a private clinic in California. Her philosophies and treatment strategies are comparable to Dr. Beers and it is much closer to us than California. BTW, I read the Beer book you recommended and it is really great. Thanks for the turning me on to that! Hope you, DH, and all the furbabies are doing well.

Crumpet – Glad to hear the results of the scan were normal, even though the journey was eventful! I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that your procedure goes well. I’m also sorry to hear that DH is sad and that it is so hard for you to envision a positive outcome. After so many early losses, the sight of a BFP is enough to make me cry and start the grieving process almost immediately. We must still have some hope, though since we still keep trying. DH and I did much better this last time around in terms of embracing the baby and trying to be happy for every moment we had until we lost our angel. I like the idea of a 3D scan. It gives you a little more to hold on to.

Powelly – I know what you mean about being afraid to fall pregnant. We lost all of ours at 5 weeks so for me, that BFP usually brings fear and dread. I’m afraid to love the baby. I’m afraid not to love the baby. It’s almost like I’m afraid that either wanting it too much or not enough will make me lose the baby. I think Dory and many others here have said it numerous times – one day at a time, be grateful for every moment for however long it lasts. Hopefully I can be as strong for our next BFP.

Gigi – LOL, I’ll have to remember that joke! I do have a great GP and endocrinologist, so I know there are good doctors out there, but I have unfortunately been to some real doozies. Also – props for having the guts to whack your hair. I usually have waist-length hair, but occasionally get fed up and get it cut short. I then instantly regret it (you’re right, it’s way more work than long hair) and start re-growing. I’m glad you still love it.

SusieQ – Hope you are doing OK, hun. Chicken pox?! You’re just having all the fun!

Hi also to CharliB, Hope, Angelic, Chez, Samcougar, Lemonade, Cmegles and anyone else I may have missed. Hope you are all doing well and that we hear from you soon.

AFM – I was being kind to DH last Sat and mowed our backyard – that is until I hit a yellow jacket nest in the ground. Did I mention that I’m allergic to wasp stings? So I’m stung multiple times, racing at top speed from the yard to our kitchen door, and completely freaking out. I’m yelling for DH at the top of my lungs, in excruciating pain, and flinging items at random out of our freezer until I find a suitable cold pack (peas). DH FINALLY makes it downstairs from the office and tells me that I should really tell him what the matter is when I call for him so that he will know whether or not it is an emergency. Now really… the whole screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs didn’t tip you off? I didn’t actually think I was being that subtle. To top it all off, my epi-pen was completely buried in our kitchen junk drawer and when we finally found it…. it was expired by 4 years. Thank God I didn’t need it, although I did swell up pretty spectacularly. I’ve been on steroids for four days now and the swelling has finally just gone down (although I’m still a bit itchy and have some hives). On the bright side, I now have a ready-made excuse for why I can no longer mow the lawn!

Hugs, baby dust, and sticky vibes to everyone! xoxo

[dory]

SusieQ - oh sweetie - I had the chicken pox as an adult too ( 26 I think) and it was awful. I still vividly remember it. The fever and headaches preceding the outbreak of the blisters and then dealing with the physical discomfort of the itching and unsightliness of the blisters. Do everything you can to get some relief and try not to scratch! I hope you don't have them on inside your eyes, nose, throat, lips, private areas..... PINETARSOL worked wonders for me when other products didn't. Hopefully DH doesn't get it. I even got my DH to drive me around at night so I could at least get out of our apartment, and it was dark so not many people could see my pox ridden face. Anyway, feel better soon.... thinking of you. And thanks for stalking me in other threads.... it's really touching. hugs.

ChrisW- OMG - that is so scary and boo hoo to DH for being an idiot about it! Maybe that's just his stress reaction? Are you ok now? Hope you got your epi pen script re filled. Good that you haven't needed it for ages.... Has DH smoked out those wasps? I didn't realise they nested in the ground. I think most wasps here in Oz nest in trees/vines. I am glad you found a clinic much closer to home than Cal. I love Chicago btw, been there a few times and honestly never tire of it. It's cosmopolitan without being too crazy. Of course they have made the most of the lakeside although I can't for the life of me imagine what possesses people to swim in Lake Michigan. I heard the tox levels are quite high of Chicago. It does look so blue and inviting though....admittedly I have never braved Chicago in winter..... but its great in late spring, summer and early autumn. I think the last time I went was summer and it was very much like a summer here but without the oppressive humidity. And I love squirrels and their flambouyant tails.

Hello to everyone else. Hope, Angelic ( busy busy as usual?) Samcougar, Lemonade ( have you had your appointment with your new Dr yet?)

Crumpet - good news girl.

Gigi - how are you feeling?

Cmeggles - hows it going......

Chez - you ok?

Teni hope you had a nice day. What did you do?

Powelly - It's ok to be scared, of everything. I think it's normal after loss.

[crumpet]

Crumpet – Glad to hear the results of the scan were normal, even though the journey was eventful! I’ll be thinking of you and hoping that your procedure goes well. I’m also sorry to hear that DH is sad and that it is so hard for you to envision a positive outcome. After so many early losses, the sight of a BFP is enough to make me cry and start the grieving process almost immediately. We must still have some hope, though since we still keep trying. DH and I did much better this last time around in terms of embracing the baby and trying to be happy for every moment we had until we lost our angel. I like the idea of a 3D scan. It gives you a little more to hold on to.
AFM – I was being kind to DH last Sat and mowed our backyard – that is until I hit a yellow jacket nest in the ground. Did I mention that I’m allergic to wasp stings? So I’m stung multiple times, racing at top speed from the yard to our kitchen door, and completely freaking out. I’m yelling for DH at the top of my lungs, in excruciating pain, and flinging items at random out of our freezer until I find a suitable cold pack (peas). DH FINALLY makes it downstairs from the office and tells me that I should really tell him what the matter is when I call for him so that he will know whether or not it is an emergency. Now really… the whole screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs didn’t tip you off? I didn’t actually think I was being that subtle. To top it all off, my epi-pen was completely buried in our kitchen junk drawer and when we finally found it…. it was expired by 4 years. Thank God I didn’t need it, although I did swell up pretty spectacularly. I’ve been on steroids for four days now and the swelling has finally just gone down (although I’m still a bit itchy and have some hives). On the bright side, I now have a ready-made excuse for why I can no longer mow the lawn!

Hugs, baby dust, and sticky vibes to everyone! xoxo

thanks chris, im hoping when/if we get to 28weeks it will be a nice suprise for DH to see worm in 3D only not just the usual scans.... he says he can see why ppl get them but cant see the point of spending the $$$, to bad if he doesnt know that he is going to one!!! lol....

OMG u poor thing!!! dont worry my DH doesnt react when i yell either, yet if there is a massive bang or something he comes running










HAPPT BIRTHDAY TENI!!!!!!
hope u get everything u wish for this year!!!!

[Gigi1]

Chris...OMG, you poor devil. I bet that hurt like mad. My husband is allergic to bees but not so much that we need aan epi pen. That is crazy business. Do you think hubby felt bad for not coming to the rescue so just blamed it on you??? Men do this sometimes. Boot him up the bum!
Hope you feel better soon.

SuzieQ... Oh dear, what a year you are having. I hope the universe has got it all out of it's system and will start leaving you be ...as of now. That is incredible. I had when i was a bub so i can give you any advice, but it sounds like you have all unders control. Get well soon babe. No scratching! Oh I know ice is good to stop itching so if there is a naughty spot...pack of peas.

Dory, Flu is gone and i don't think i have been into it too much in here...not like my blog, but as far as gloominess and depression, I am doing ok today hun. Actually I was doing really well for the last few days. Hit a bit of a set back today. Visited the family and caught the girls making funny looks to each other about something i said. God it feels like high school and I know i am being a bit sensitive. But it really urks me because you starts the paranoia...they are in cohoots with each other and it is giving me the pits.

Anyhoo, going to have an egg muffin and watch some box to chill out. I won't let them get to me, I am too big a person for that. I am a good person. All i can say is i hope i don't make people feel that way. Silly people.
Right, my 5 mins is up.
xoxoox
CD13 today but no real signs of ov yet...wierd for me. I am usually spot on. I had a few signs in CM earlier on...CD8 but who knows what is happening. xoxo

[TeniBear]

Ah well, I'm not even sure it's the right time to be testing. I just wanted to top off my birthday with a BFP *sigh* No biggie, I'll keep testing every now and then until AF shows up or I get a BFP

Hope everyone's well xox

[Gigi1]

Sorry Teni, hun I hope you have a nice birthday and have all the things you can't have when you are pregas. Happy Birthday sweet and take care. xoxo

[ChrisW]

Sorry about the BFN Teni, but AF hasn't shown up yet and you also have that u/s coming up. You may still be in for a little birthday surprise! I've got everything crossed for you sweetie.

[SusieQ]

Sorry Teni, hopefully you just tested too early. Hope AF doesn't show up. FX!!

Had lots of EWCM yesterday (which was exactly 14 days from last D&C). Forgot to take my temp this morning to confirm...annoying! No sexy time anyway. At least it would appear things are starting to go back to normal. There is going to be a lot of BD'ing in July in my house! DH will be a very happy man lol.

Over the worst of CP I think! Spots starting to dry. I look like hell but I think I haven't had it that bad in terms of itchiness. I have one annoying one in my throat though that is making it painful to eat and drink - can't eat much so hopefully I might lose a kg!! Dory - love the driving around at night thing! Was thinking a burqa might work for me lol!!

[dory]

Susie - good to hear you are feeling a bit better... you could always try a motorboke helmet... about the weight loss, something good has to come of feeling yuk.

[TeniBear]

Just did a stupid thing and read most of what SHOULD be my baby buddies group Why can't I just go back to February and make everything okay again? I don't WANT to be in this thread, I don't want to be TTC, I just want my baby! I don't want to be awake at this time of morning for no reason... I should be up feeding a little chubby baby...

Sorry... I needed to vent but didn't think it warranted a new thread...

[ChrisW]

Teni, you go ahead and vent just as much as you want - whenever and wherever. I wish I could give you a big hug for real, sweetie. I read your blog and I'm so sorry AF showed up and that you're still in the TTC pool. You're right. You shouldn't have to be here and it's grossly unfair that you're not holding Ianto right now. As a matter of fact, none of us should have to be here and I think we've probably all felt something similar.

As for reading the baby buddies post... I still look at a due date calculator site that tells me where my baby would have been in their development today. Apparently I like self-inflicted punishment too!

I also have a friend who got pregnant at the same time I did the first time around (in 2006). We both had an early m/c (didn't find out about each other until later though), but she got pregnant the very next cycle and went on to have a beautiful baby boy. He's 3 now, and every time I see him and hear about everything he's doing, I can't help but think... my baby should be that old and doing those things too. Why couldn't my baby have lived too? I'm better now at squelching that urge to compare them than I was right after her son was born (really had a hard time even seeing them early on). Sometimes, though, I guess I just feel the need to pick that scab and open up that wound again. I guess you did too.

I hope daylight brings renewed hope.... Give yourself a big hug.

[Gigi1]

Chris, so well put. Thinking of you too hun...TWW can be a trial.
Teni, I am sorry hun that another cycle has let you down. I often fall into the hole where you find yourself now and I have past DD's anniversary. It is still so raw for you. I still find myself overwhelmed with grief sometimes and it feels like yesterday. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know we are all different but sadly we share something horrible- an understanding.
I am so sorry it is a hard day for you. Keep your hope and if it evades you today, know that somehow it will return. Thinking of you. xoxo

AFM- CD17 and amidst TWW. I am very nervous but also excited...kind of equal servings of both. Every now and then one will tip the scales and they seem to take turns. I am not sleeping well at all and find myself all over the shop.
My dear friend who has lost many bubs in first tri has just found out that her 8 week pregnancy is a Phantom. I don't understand fully how they work but she now finds herself yet again in familar shoes waiting for her body to miscarry. They are both devastated and grieving. God i wish life weren't so cruel. Sometimes there is just no rhyme or reason to break a heart. I am gutted for them and it leaves me in familiar shoes hoping that if and when i fall pregnant, i don't want my news to hurt anyone i love or care for. Her last loss was a month before we fell preg with DD. I silently thought that her body and spirit introduced our DD before she came to us. That she gave us the greatest gift of all. She had once or twice said to us that she wish she could sarrogate for us and maybe in some cosmic way she did. She has two beautiful children 14 and 10 but her family feels incomplete. I think it is magical and incredible a woman and a man can have such strong intuition to just know that is so. Hmmm...life, a full on journey.

Going to see Train this weekend which shoud be fun. DH has only one day off this week.I have more photos to take this week and i have one more day to develop what i have so far while big w has a sale on. That should keep me busy for a TWW...without me delving into the world of planning a pregnancy's life too much. Here's hoping. xoxo