TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ December 07

[tempus moriendi]

Hey everybody, just wanted to write and send cyber hugs to everybody hurting at this time of year.

Doesn't it feel like we're in a bind? On the one hand we really do want to welcome the new little members of our extended families, but on the other hand it's hard not to think "why not MY little one?" I always feel very petty when I start thinking like this, but sometimes I can't help it. I just keep my mouth shut.

Anthonysmom: congrats on AF!

[Katiegirl]

I am catching up this afternoon with my friend - this is the first time I have seen her since Nathaniel passed. Hopefully it will be a good chat and she won't say anything to annoy me! She has the most amazing ability to lecture me on all sorts of things (even prior to preg) and not realise she is doing it. It has always riled me! Hopefully I will be able to laugh it off and tell her to back off.

Barbara - so nice to hear you had a night out with old friends and it felt normal for you. I don't think anyone realises how this is always at the back of our minds - and it is so refreshing to be able to let it go sometimes.

Have to get ready - my friend suggested a walk which is the last thing I feel like doing!!!

[Anthonysmom]

just got back from a barbecue at my cousin's house. His 3 month old nephew was there. It was a lot harder to see him than it was to see my niece last week. I think it is becasue I had a boy. I can't wait to say good bye to 2007.

barbara

[Anthonysmom]

my goodness its been quiet in here. i guess thats b/c so many people have gotten BFP. Hopefully more to come in 2008!!

[Katiegirl]

Hi Anthonysmom. I have been waiting for AF to arrive to know where I stand. Today is Day 11 since I stopped bleeding/spotting after the D&C. I have been quiet excited to know I am healing. Just went to the bathroom and discovered some spotting. I feel quite deflated. I was really hoping to reach 20 days of no bleeding to ensure that the next round was AF. If I have spotting tomorrow I will call my Ob. I wonder if this could be AF coming? Aaggh so frustrating.

I have been a bit down the last couple of days. I think it is the reality that with starting to see people again, everyone starts to assume that I am feeling better. I might be functioning but Nathaniel is never far from my mind. Does that make sense? It was a month on Monday since we found out that Nathaniel had passed away.

How are things going for you?

[tempus moriendi]

Katiegirl: try not to get too discouraged. Your hormones can be very screwy after a miscarriage. But if you didn't bleed for 11 days and now you're spotting, it could be AF (how many AF's does your md want you to wait before TTC?) My own luteal phase in my first cycle post MC was only 5 days and it's supposed to be 14. The next month it was 11 days. So I know it's easier said than done, but give your body time to heal. I'll send you some patience vibes LOL!

[Auntie M]

howdy everyone. i've been out of town at my parents' house pretending to be a child again. it didn't work, but at least they cooked.

Naomi- what an amazing gift from your mom to Ethan and your future children.
CeCe- i'm no good at reading charts, but i'm hoping that was an egg and you caught it!!
Anthony's mom- so glad AF finally arrived. such a mixed bag, though. when i finally got mine, i just wanted to go back in time so badly and have Yeti back inside me and alive. i thought my mind would break with the attempt to bend time backwards. big hugs.
Katiegirl-glad your mil let you know how much Nathaniel means to her too. a little love and support goes such a long way. Do tell your well-meaning friend to back off. you need to grieve, and the only thing others can do is to let you do it and be present. if she must try to "fix" well, then she needs to back off for a time.
Ellie- so sorry you are facing your due date and the christmas with your brother's child as "first grandchild" sounds utterly painful. i avoided my SIL & her baby like the plague for that reason. i'm just not willing to cope with that pain right now.
TM- your words are exactly right -- part of grieving is jealousy and sadness at other people's joy. there is no way around it, even if we are not the "type" of people to feel jealousy and who typically enjoy other people's good news. the only way through is to allow those feelings even if we don't want to accept them.

i wish all of our christmases could have been just as we wished they were. it was a trying, horrible time where nothing was right and comfort was far away. here's hoping that 2008 is a better year in every possible way for each and every one of us. big hugs, xxoom

[Ellie]

katiegirl...how brave you are...a month is a blink...I wish there was something I could say xxx

[Katiegirl]

Hi Ellie. Don't feel very brave! I have been doing okay the last couple of weeks. I still think about Nathaniel all the time, but don't cry as much. The hard thing I am finding is that I no longer feel pregnant, but I also don't feel 'not pregnant' - if that makes any sense.

No spotting today, but waiting to see. I thought last bathroom visit that it may have started again. Will check in a while...lovely TMI!

I think you are brave as well - we all are for being able to hope that we will be blessed with a baby after our losses.

[Ellie]

Oh the hormones...horrible...you'll be all over the place. I can't stop thinking about my due date..all the 'shoulds' and 'what if's'...I think I've finally realised that the loss of a child changes you forever...I think I've been waiting to 'return to normal' but this is normal...just a different normal...you'd think I would have worked that out after the first mc??? Has just taken me a while??? Hang in there...we're one day closer to our miracle...one foot in front of the other and deal with each day as it happens.

[Anthonysmom]

katie - IKWYM about functioning but not feeling better. I went back to work early becase I couldn't stand being at home any more. although i am now paying for that with back problems. anyway people thought i was back to normal. i think about anthony all the time. someone from BBonce told me that you never "get over" losing your child. you just learn how to cope with the pain better. good luck with AF.

Autie M - I am excited to start trying again but like you said really just want to have my son back inside of me. I keep going over how far pregnant I would be right now (26 wks 4 days) i think about what i would look like and it hurts so much. BUT I still want to try again.

Ellie - you are SOOOOO right. the should haves and what ifs can eat you alive. i love your words of inspiration.

Well I just got back from doctors. I got the all clear. SHe took lots and lots of blood from me today. checking for lupus, diabetes, clotting disorders, thyroid problems, etc. I will get the results in two weeks. SHe said I can start TTC at any time though. It is very scary and exciting at the same time. I would love to still have a baby in 2008. My DH wants to see a genetic counselor also. i will make an appt on monday.it is just so weird how it feels like I lost ANthony just yesterday one minute and a lifetime ago the next minute.

Barbara

[tempus moriendi]

Anthonysmom: So glad to hear you got the all clear. Each day seems to have its own little hurdles and challenges, doesn't it? First this doc, then that test, then wait for AF...it seems to go on and on. But best of luck and hope your happy ending isn't too far in the future!

[Anthonysmom]

thanks tempus

[nanananny]

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[Anthonysmom]

futuremum - I agree with you. I truly fely alone in the world until i found BB. Please feel free to post here. you are certainly not interrupting. this is a very welcoming place.

[nanananny]

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[Anthonysmom]

i used that word the other day - barren - my mom yelled at me. last christmas there were three of us without kids. then my older cousin had a baby girl and my younger cousin now has a step-daughter. this was supossed to be my year, i hope 2008 still is. for all of us

[tempus moriendi]

You're right--it's the randomness of it all that makes infertility so hard to bear. Why does that person who abuses her kids even get to have kids, while the person over here who wants them doesn't...and so on.

One of my cousins who was infertile for years and thought she could never have a baby delivered recently at age 40 as a first time mom. I was thrilled for her.

When I'm calm I can be very philosophical (things happen for a reason, etc.). But the last few days I've been anything but philosophical. I still believe in my head that things happen for a reason, just trying to convince my emotions of it, if you know what I mean...