TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ December 07

[tempus moriendi]

You're right--it's the randomness of it all that makes infertility so hard to bear. Why does that person who abuses her kids even get to have kids, while the person over here who wants them doesn't...and so on.

One of my cousins who was infertile for years and thought she could never have a baby delivered recently at age 40 as a first time mom. I was thrilled for her.

When I'm calm I can be very philosophical (things happen for a reason, etc.). But the last few days I've been anything but philosophical. I still believe in my head that things happen for a reason, just trying to convince my emotions of it, if you know what I mean...

[Katiegirl]

Good luck tomorrow Jo. I hope you get some answers to your questions.

I also have a huge list of questions for my Ob. We see him next Tuesday for the 6 week follow up. I have also started bleeding again, so also need to ask if this is AF. Fingers crossed it is. It sounds like we have had similar journeys. I have bleeding on and off for 1 month - with 2 gaps of 7 and 10 days. Over it really and just want to move on.

[jo76]

so i have just got home from my ob after calling into work and saying i am not coming in as i just don't think i could have got through the rest of the day. I was the 2nd appointment of the morning so the lady before me got her babys heartbeat checked and i could hear everything so it already got my emotions going. I saw him and it turns out my blood tests have not shown the cause to be CMV. (finally asked the name) I really thought this morning having something to confirm the reason jack died would actually be ok for me and it seemed the results would shift that way but as it turns out my ob said there was still no definete reasons why he died. He said i am in good health that i have had 2 really healthy previous pregnancies and said he really hoped to see me this year again if i was ready as he had no reason to believe that i would'nt have a healthy preg and baby next time. He said he was confident i could wait another 3 years if i wanted to and i would still be ok. i said we would'nt wait that long and i would hope that we would try very soon. But that the idea of me being preg again was really scary as i would always now be waiting for something to happen. I asked him about my bleeding and he said to wait at least for another AF to come and then i could start ttc as my uterus etc was soft and all back to normal.( ) He was a little worried about my sleeping habits and told me to see my GP if i continued to stay up really late (i have been up till around 1am most mornings and even tho i am exhausted find it hard to go to bed) as i needed to be in good health and it could start to turn into a mild depression so he is still on the lookout for all of that. He acknowledged that i have been through a shocking experience and he was at a loss of what he could say to help me feel better or to explain. So no answers, feel really ****ty (sorry) and feel like i am not moving forward.

[klee]

hi ladies, just wanted to pop in and check how everyone is going. katiegirl and jo76 it could well be af, i bled for around 5 weeks after my loss, it had stopped for about two days and then started again, i was actually bleeding at the 6 week check up and asked if it could be af, and she said for sure, turns out 28 days after the the 2nd lot of bleeding i got af, so it definitely could be af. just wanted to pass that on. hope you are all looking after yourselves and doing the best you can, take care.

[Anthonysmom]

jo - Just wanted to wish you luck at the OB

[Anthonysmom]

Jo - I am sorry you did not get the answers you were looking for. Like you I also have not gotten any answers as to why I lost my son. When the first round of test results came back (I am still waiting on some blood work) I was so deflated to not have any answers. A very wise woman here at BB told me that even for women who get answers, none of them are really any good. Either way it is still tragic. I am sorry again for your loss and I pray you have the strength to try again.

Barbara

[klee]

jo - i'm sorry you didn't get the answers you were after, but barbara is right even with an answer you still begin to question. did they do any other blood tests to check for anything else or just the cmv?. i know a few of the ladies here have waited until after 6 weeks to have another lot of bloods taken to check for clotting disorders as these will not show up whilst you are pg or in the 6 weeks after a loss. it might be something to think about.
Have you thought about doing accupuncture or something to help with your sleeping, I was very sceptical about it after my loss but i initially went for stress and found that it helped immensely, in both calming the mind and relaxing the body and also in making me healthy and strong again to think about and even conceive again. Just take all the time you need before trying again, only you will know when and if you will be ready. thinking of you hon, i'm so sorry again for your loss and I'm so sorry you have no answers.

[Katiegirl]

Hi Jo. I am so sorry that you did not get any answers to your questions. I think this is very common unfortunately. I also got the chromosomal results and they were negative. Whilst I never believed there was anything to find, it still upset me to know that I will never find out what really happened to my baby. I think either way, it would be upsetting. Glad to hear you took the day off work.

I am also not sleeping well, and stay up too late and then have trouble falling asleep. Maybe you could look at a relaxation CD, acupuncture (like Klee mentioned) or yoga. I have always had trouble relaxing, so I think I really need to learn some good techniques.

Take good care of yourself and rest up today. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Big hugs.

[tempus moriendi]

jo76: Sorry you didn?t get the answers you hoped for from your OB and sorry you?re going through all these awful emotions. Even though you know it?s perfectly normal with everything that?s happened these last couple months, it?s still painful.

klee: Thanks for passing on the info about the clotting disorders. I was wondering when i should get tested and I won?t see the FS until next month. But I?m way after the 6 weeks and not preg (having AF right now.)

[jo76]

Thank-you so much everyone for your thoughts. i really don't know what i would do if i had'nt found this site, it has become an invaluable part of my healing throughout this.
i ended up speaking to one of my friends for an 11/2 hrs, who has battled with IVF for the best part of 4-5 years now and felt much calmer. I changed my mood to inspired as i feel a little like that for now as if she can get through her pregnancy (the first long term one after more losses than we can remember) with the strength she has been and the positive energy she radiates, i can def look forward to gaining some myself.
Katie-girl - i agree, we sound as though our experiences have been similiar and i hope your new OB next tues is able to help answer any of your questions and concerns too. He sounds really wonderful!
Klee- i have always preferred to look at more natural ways of dealing with things and the accupunture sounds good (or yoga katiegirl). Sleeping tablets were talked about today just to give me a couple of nights to catch up on sleep but i really want to shy away from that as i don't feel comfortable with it. So will look into some different options. And i have never really heard anything about clotting disorders at all??? So have to admit i am a little naive on that topic.
anthonysmum - it really sucks not to have answers but 2008 i hope brings us both some good news!
tempus moriendi - i have always been the "things happen for a reason" person but now that they literally have i too have to convince myself to think this way at the moment. i have always been a very positive person i think that is where i am hitting the wall right now.

[Katiegirl]

Hi Jo. I am glad you have a friend that understands what you are going through. You will probably find that you bring each other strength over the next few months. I think it is hard to find positives when you lose a baby, and that is a hard thing to deal with. I was very negative the first weeks, and was angry that we lost out first and have no way of knowing if we will have another etc. I struggle to stay positive, but I find doing things that help me (counsellor from SIDS, naturopath etc) it gives me a lift. I have always tended to be a bit negative, but somehow I have turned that around a bit of late. I hope you manage to find some ways to help you sleep without the sleeping tablets.

My ob is lovely, but I am going to change to a new one in Feb. The new one is Mark Umstad who specialises in high risk pregnancies etc. I think my current ob will be far too laidback for me. Plus he has said that he doesn't think it is necessary to do any blood tests for clotting etc, and I really am not happy with that. Mark Umstad will do all the tests when I see him, so have decided not to push it with current ob.

I hope everyone is doing okay. This time of year really is tough.

[Mel1977]

Hi girls,

Jo - I am sorry you didnt get the answers you were hoping for I too thought answers would make it a little easier but the fact of the matter is its hard either way. Before I had answers I thought well if noone knows what is wrong then how can they be sure it wont happen again. Then I got some answers and found I had a blood clotting condition which caused my son to die and then I started worrying because I thought well there is something wrong so there is a chance it will happen again. I dont know if any of that makes sense but either way, answers or no answers, the journey ahead is terrifying and no matter what the next pregnancy will be extremely difficult. For me in the end the fear of not having a child outweighed the fear of losing another iykwim. I am glad your ob seemed so sensitive to what you are going through, believe it or not alot arent - they are in the business of babies and alot of them treat is just like that, a business!

KG - Good choice! He is brilliant!! The ob who saw me through my pg with Nicholas was also not willing to do any testing for me, he told me it was "bad luck" and "just one of those things". I then saw Mark for a second opinion and he found that I have ACa and he will be with me every step of the way this time. Best of luck with it all :hugs:

Sorry to intrude - just wanted to say that, hope you dont mind

[Katiegirl]

Hi Mel. You are not intruding at all. And trust me...I love hear good things about Mark. It makes me feel so much better to know that I am booked in to see an ob who does not wait around for MC 2 or 3 before doing tests.

[Auntie M]

just popping in to say hi.
Jo- i am also sorry you didn't get the answers you were hoping for. like the others said, answers are a bit of an obsession, but don't really help so very much for the psychological part of our grief. we will all always worry that it will happen again. or that something new will happen. the sleepless thing, i think, is so very common for grief. you are so fresh to it, and sleep is one of those things that gets messed up. i couldn't sleep for the first month after Yeti died because of the nightmares i had, but then for the next two months i slept so much that everyone was worried about that. it was my own way of avoiding everything by just not being. big hugs to you on your quest to find a sensible way around the issue.
Katiegirl- it is heartwarming to hear that you've been able to find a "better" spot for now. hang on to those coping methods, they will continue to help you when you need them. bb has helped me feel not so alone and isolated. so glad you have found an ob you can trust. that will be a great help to you to have that decided already. took me until 10 weeks to find someone, and even now i wonder . . .
lots of luck to everyone.

[klee]

jo - there is a link in one of the loss forums which can help you with which tests to ask for in relation to the clotting disorders. the link also describes other forms of losses which may give you something to think about. i'll find it for you. Not sure where abouts you are in Melbourne but my accupuncturist is inner western suburbs, but I know Naomi one of the other ladies here goes to one in the eastern suburbs so if your either these ways we could give you the details. i too was offered the sleeping pills, i took one at the hospital and i vowed that was the last one i was going to take, because all that something like that is going to do is supress your emotions, and you'll have to deal with it eventually anyway, best to deal with it with some kind of clear head. also have you spoken to sids & kids regarding your loss, they not only deal with sids but prenatal losses, i know katiegirl has spoken to them recently, they have monthly group meetings where you can go to discuss your loss if thats something you feel you need to do. I'm so glad that you have spoken to a friend, its amazing where we can find the comfort and support isn't it, your ivf friend is going trhough something different but ultimately the feelings and emotions are the same. look after yousrelf and we're hear for you if you need us.
katie - i too am comforted to hear you have found a better place, hang on to it for as long as you can, you know you've found it, so if it all becomes a bit much let everything out, you now know you can get back to that better mind set. if you need to feel free to pm me, same goes for any of you girls.
tempus moriendi - mel might be able to tell you what tests to get done too, but as i said there is athread here somewhere. they can still do the tests whilst pg but the results are more difficult to interpret, so its best to have the hormones out of the system approx 6 weeks after i think.
anthonysmum - how you going hon?
look after yourselves

[Anthonysmom]

Jo - I am so happy that you are feeling inspired.SOmetimes talking to the right person makes all the difference. I have learned that this is a long journey and we will have our ups and downs. just nice to know you are in an up.

Katie - I am also happy that you found an OB you are confifent in. It sounds like he has a great reputation. I don't understand why some doctors feel like a woman needs to go thru 2 or 3 m/cs before performing tests. It is just insane to me to make someone go thru all this pain multiple times before helping her do something about it. i am lucky that my OB told me that she was running all the tests. i am waiting 2 weeks for the results. also she said on my next pregnancy I will be labeled high risk and will be able to go in weekly for u/s if I need to feel comfortable. it was quite a relief.

Well right now it is nearing 11pm. i am exhausted but can't sleep. it is strange, right after I lost anthony I slept really well. I almost felt guilty about it b/c everyone expected me not to be able to sleep. I think it was becasue I had such a hard time sleeping while I was pregnant (i hate talking about being pregnant in the past tense). between going to the bathroom, feeling uncomfortable, and DHs snoring i was up half the night. Now that some time has passed I can never sleep. SOmetimes I am up to 3 am on a work night, and I have to get up at 5:30!!My mind constantly races with "what ifs" and how the future will go. around the holidays I had to take medicine to sleep, but don't want to do it anymore because I am afraid of becoming dependent on them to sleep. arghhh!! hope others are havign a better day

Barbara

[Katiegirl]

Hi Everyone. Thanks for all your messages. I am definitely holding on dealing to anything that helps me feel even slightly in control. I have my 6 week follow up next week on Tuesday. I know I won't really get any answers, and I know he won't suggest any tests, so I am not really sure what I will get out of it. I am more looking forward to my appointment in Feb with the new Ob. It will feel like I am turning over a new leaf. I am also glad to be changing as it means I won't have to go back to the same ultrasound place - I still have always flashes of the moment we realised Nathaniel was gone. I think that memory will haunt me forever. I feel quite emotional even now thinking about it. So I will gladly never step foot inside that room again!

I think sleeping is a big issue. I have gotten into a bad habit of going to be past midnight and then struggling to wake in the morning. The last few weeks it would take me ages to fall asleep which was agony - as it meant I spent a lot of time thinking things over (and not in a good way). The last couple of nights I have been falling to sleep a lot faster. Now I just need to get into a better pattern again - but I am sure I will have many more restless nights ahead. Maybe you could ask about herbal remedies to help with sleep. I agree that sleeping tablets are best avoided.

We have dinner with some friends tonight. We saw them for the first time on Sunday and they looked so sad and kept asking me how I am. Whilst it was sweet and well-meaning, I had to do everything in my power not to start crying. I told my mother and she got angry - she hates when people get all emotional in front of me. She thinks people need to help me and be strong for me - not make me more upset! I think I agree with her as it really made it even harder for me to stay composed. I hope they don't make those faces at me tonight, as I don't think I can handle it a second time! Oh well, I know they feel our pain which is comforting and I need to focus on that.

Enough of my rant...I hope you are all having an okay day.

[jo76]

i said to one of my other friends today that i jumped on this forum after my Ob visit yesterday and was so touched that people who i had never met had stopped by this link to wish me well etc and she thought that was really wonderful and was happy that i had people that would relate to all of this as she can't. She can be sad as she cares for me but can't directly relate. So first, a huge thank-you to all of you for being so selfless in being on the other end for me with all you are all going through also.
klee -thanks for telling me about the links in the forum, i am still making my way around so will try and find!I am in the eastern suburbs but i have a specialist for my wrist in the western suburbs so it is much of a muchness really. I'll just jump on the freeway if need be! (although that can be worse!)
katiegirl - it is funny (in a non funny way) that you bought up the ultrasound thing as i have been thinking about that also and wether i would go back to the same place as where i found out Jack had died when i have another baby. For me, the answer is i think i would, as they were so gentle and amazingly supportive after they had told me jack had no heartbeat and i have the greatest memories of the lady doing the 12 wk ultrasound weeks beforehand calling Jack my "beautiful baby" the whole way through and really making it an amazingly personal and bonding experience (i have had a bad experience at a hospital which is private a few years ago and they were terrible, told me nothing during it and it may have well been somebody elses baby they were telling me about they lacked such warmth). So i think because even the midst of a horrible memory there and my race to get out once they had told me, because of the positives i would go back because i do have a degree of trust there now. Does that make sense? Good luck with your sleeping also, i hope it continues to get better for you 1 am is very easy for me to stay up to at the moment but i think a better sleeping pattern would result in a healthier mind and body also.
Anthonysmum - that goes for you too! My OB said it would help me stay healthy esp if i am looking to ttc which really does the perfect sense. (in the midst of no sense right now!)Sleeping tablets are'nt an option for me as i can get a head spin off a panadol so a sleeping tablet would'nt just help in one nights sleep but sleep for a week!Is'nt it strange that as exhausted as our bodies can get, sleep still does'nt come when i feel as though it should be more natural like you said for you at the start.
take care everyone!!!! I AM STILL INSPIRED! YAY!