TTC after Recurrent Miscarriage/Stillbirth or Loss after 1st trimester ~ December 07

[jo76]

p/s katie - hope you had a great dinner and it went the way you hoped!!!! It'll be a nice break for you!

[Auntie M]

katiegirl- ikwym about visitors looks and comments. i call it the "head tilt" because it seems no one can ever ask how i am doing without adding a slight tilt to the head and concerned brow. sometimes i feel like smacking them upside the head to make it go straight again. but then, other times i bring up Yeti or my feelings if i think folks are being too forgetful. they just can't win with me, i guess. if they make you cry, though, i'm sure they'll get the point and be different next time. i've done that too. there are worse things than crying in front of people, although i didn't think so before Yeti died.
barbara- sorry you are having a down day(s). it is no fair, no fair at all to get the sleepless nights anyway.
jo-ikwym about the ultrasound fear - i avoided where we found out Yeti had died, but i still had a panic attack for the first few ultrasounds and damn dopplers this go around. i'm not sure it mattered where they happened, just that i don't trust doctors any more because they never seem to have any good news and can't do anything about it anyway. whatever choice you make is the right one.

[Anthonysmom]

Hi girls
katie - IKWYM about the ultrasound. I had an u/s about three weeks after I lost Anthony to check for cysts. It was at the same place as the 12 week NT. I remembered how excited i was back then and how hard it was to look at an empty uterus now. I just made an appointment to see a genetic counselor with my husband. It happens to be at the same place that I had the 20 week u/s and where we heard those awful words "i'm sorry, at this time I can not find a heartbeat." I am sooo dreading going back to the same place. With that said I did love the care I got. My doctor and hospital were great so I am going back.

Auntie M - You are right on about the head tilt with the "how are you?" First of all how the heck do you think I am!! cr@ppy!! but thats not what most people want to hear. they want you to say that everything is grand. anyway maybe i will try the slap up side the head to fix that head tilt.

Jo - I wanted to see how you are feeling. hopefully still inspired.

hope all is well is BB land

Barbara

[Katiegirl]

Hi all. Quick message. Dinner was great and there was no need to give anyone slaps to correct the tilt! Thank goodness.

I also appreciated the care I was given at the ultrasound place, they were lovely and I could not have asked for more caring people. I just hate the idea of going back. I believe the new Ob Mark has an machine in his rooms (others who see Mark - correct me if I am wrong here). I do remember how wonderful the 12 week scan was. We have a DVD of it and you can hear us talking in the background making oohing and aaghing sounds. I asked DH if he thought he would want to watch it again one day (we have put it in the memorial box and have not watched it since before Nathaniel died) and he said we wasn't sure as we sounded so happy in the DVD and he didn't think he could handle hearing it. Sad.... Nice to know though that we have it and will one day if we wish be able to see our baby with a heartbeat and moving around.

Okay have to go - have a meeting. I got to bed at midnight again and struggled to wake. Have to break this habit. It is going to start to take its toll. I am going back to visit my family this weekend (they are in Brisbane) so maybe that will help with the sleeping.

I hope you are all doing well. Jo- I am glad your friend was so understanding about the support go get from this site - and that she understood what it means to you.

Take care everyone.

[tempus moriendi]

I can kinda understand why docs wait until after 2 or 3 MC's. Because most women go on to have healthy babies after one MC. Of course, the downside to waiting is that you just don't know what category you fall into--the first one always seems like a fluke and most of the time it is...

[Katiegirl]

Speaking of Ultrasounds - I just got a bill in the mail for the 20 week scan. They never charged us on the day, and as we were there for only a short time we assumed they would not charge (we also thought that due to it being bad news maybe that is what they did). Well we guessed wrong - $210! I hate paying these bills - the hospital etc. It feels awful to have to pay for something that you never wanted to happen.

On an plus point, I had my first kinesiology appointment today and I feel it went well. I had no idea what to expect and it was certainly unusual. I really like the lady and I think it will help me a lot with my health and letting go of past emotional hurts etc.

How is everyone else doing today?

[Anthonysmom]

Katie - Sorry about the u/s bill. It doesn't seem fair right. You get the worst news of your life followed by a bill. thanks!! i was lucky that insurance paid for most of my hospital bill with anthony but am still out a few hundred dollars. glad your kinesiology went well.

DH and I are renovating our apartment. new kitchen and bathroom. why is everything so expensive!! arghh! it will be worth it in the end though.
hope everyone is doing well

Barbara

[jo76]

you guys talk of the head tilt thing when you run into people....i get the " ...but you look great though" ummmmmmmm...seriously when i am grieving the loss of my baby looking good (eventho i should as i work in fashion) is not the top of my list. I undeestand it is a thing they are saying to make me feel good but i had a friend come into work who did'nt recieve my email re: loosing Jack and when she put her foot in her mouth accidently she began to cry. it is probably one of the most honest emotions i have had from anyone so far eventhough i went a had a cry in our backroom afterwards because i really felt bad for her! She bought me in flowers yesterday to apologise for crying and all i could do was hug her.
At the moment i am having an uplifted few days. I really think it is still to do with the phone call to my friend so am a little nervous as to when it will suddenly wear off. As that is how it seems to work is'nt it. Even a bit of spotting (yes, it continues!!) is'nt bringing me down right now.
Katiegirl -guess what? A bill for $190! yep, my ultrasound bill reminder, better late than never apparantly. Even my husband questioned it!Hope your trip is good for you!
Anthonysmum - good luck with the renos! We considered it with our current house but decided it would be too much work as it would have been alot. It may be a good thing for you as we have sold ours recently and have to be out on FEB 8 and are actually moving 15 mins away so we are calling it our new beginning. Not that we are looking to forget Jack or anything that has happened but it may be a fresh start for us to help move on. Does that make sense and i really hope it reads as i want it to!so anyway -good luck!

[Auntie M]

howdy everyone.
Barbara- lol- let me know if you do "manually adjust" someone's head- i'd like to hear about it in action! i have finally given in to saying "fine" when folks ask how i am - until now (almost 10 moths after Yeti died) i've always said "hanging in there." scr#w 'em if they want a better answer.
Katie- glad the dinner went well and good luck at the sleeping thing. ikwym a/b the bills- not the reminder we need.
Jo- take the good days when you can. the bad ones will always come back too, so take those good ones too.

[tempus moriendi]

Katiegirl: good luck with your kinesiologist. Is that like a chiropractor?

Anthonysmom: That sounds exciting--renovating. Sometimes it helps lift your mood to have some new surroundings to look around at.

jo76: I'm glad you're still finding comfort from your friend. You learn to take comfort where you can get it, sometimes.

AuntieM: it really does feel like some people don't get it, that it takes a long time to adjust to loss. You don't have to be "fine" with us if you don't feel like it.

[Anthonysmom]

its a bit quiet in here. hope everyone is having a nice weekend

[Katiegirl]

Hi everyone. I am having a really difficult time this weekend. It started on Friday night, when I started thinking about how far in the future everything seems (conceiving again etc). Then yesterday, I started spotting again. This means that since the D&C on 5 Dec, I have not had more than 11 days without any bleeding. This week, I had what I thought might be AF but now that I am spotting again, it makes me doubt it was. I just feel so stuck in time. It will be 6 weeks this Wednesday and yet I don't feel that I am any further along in healing pysically. It got me so down and I have pretty much spiralled from there.

Does anyone else ever find it hard to accept that instead of having a baby they have to 'return' to their old lives? I am definitely struggling with that - going back to work and continuing with things that I thought I wouldn't have to do anymore.

Sorry for the depressing post. I am seeing my Ob on Tuesday so will be grilling him about the bleeding I have had.

I hope everyone else is having a better weekend than I am. It is a shame to, as I am visiting my family this weekend. So instead of having a lovely relaxing time, I feel like I have to keep pulling myself together in order to see people.

[Anthonysmom]

Katie - I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I am hoping this latest spotting is AF for you. I bled on and off for 3 weeks. and then spotted a bit in the fourth if I was too active. Have you been really active lately? I was told that could cause prolonged spotting.

Going back to my old life stinks. I constantly think about how far pregnant I should be right now and all the things I would be doing. I get angry when I go have a few drinks with frends b/c I feel I shouldn't be able to. Accepting that this nightmare is real has been so hard for me as well. The healing process is a long one.
When I think about it I can't decide if it was a long time ago or just yesterday that everything went wrong. Today is exactly 2 months since I found out I lost my son. Jan 14 will be his 2 month angelversary.

I went out with friends on Friday night. I have some really good friends who understand that I am still grieving and it is easy for me to be around them. I feel if I talk about Anthony it is ok, I can be myself and won't be judged. (Then I have other friends who don't understand why i am not over it and constantly talk about women we know who are pregnant) Anyway it was a great night. Then Saturday DH and I went out for lunch and I stared to tear up when I saw a woman that had the same stroller that we were going to get for Anthony. My day was shot. I spent most of it curled up in my bed with the lights off. I just want my life to be even again and not so topsy turvy.

Even though I wish none of us had to be here I think it is so good to feel that I am not alone. Every time I think I am the only one and no one could ever understand how I am feeling I just come to BB.
Katie - You are not alone, if you need to vent or "talk" you don't have to apologize. I hope you have a good time with your family.

Barbara

[tempus moriendi]

Katiegirl: first of all, you don't have to apologize HERE for feeling depressed. We all understand what you're going through. And how some days you feel strong and other days you just want to crawl into a hole to lick your wounds.

It sounds like your body is trying so hard to get back to normal. It's only been a little over a month, after all. But I know--you want to be your old self again and that's not unreasonable. And yeah, it $ux to have to go back to your old life when you thought you were moving forward.

Just last week when AF started, I went through the emotions from hell--everybody got on my last nerve, even though I knew in my head it wasn't anybody else's fault, just my own hormones making me perceive everybody else as annoying.

The mood swings are very painful. Come here to vent because we understand.

[Auntie M]

damn it all. i wish i could give you all big hugs. tm is right, it just isn't fair, is sucks and it is such a nasty rollercoaster with no way to get off.

Katie, go ahead and be depressed. it isn't right that you have to go back to picking up your life. you aren't the same now, and why should it be. all of these steps eventually might help get you back to where things aren't completely a gaping wound, but they hurt so damn bad. i cried at least once a week at work when i first got back -- and that was just for the being back at work reason and not all the thoughts going round in my head. big hugs to you my dear. i hope your ob has some answers too. it seemed to take for ever for my bleeding to stop too - it makes it so much harder because we are so obsessed by it.
Barbara- ikwym about "little" things setting one off. i remember seeing a lady in the store with the same pregnancy top i loved the most, and she was buying all sorts of baby things. i couldn't stop the tears, and it took all my energy just to get home and crawl into bed. they aren't so little when they are the only things we have. big hugs.

[Katiegirl]

Hi Barbara, Tempus and Auntie M. Thank you so much for your messages. It helps to know I am not alone. The hard thing for me is when I get down, I tend to then become extremely negative and that causes me to spiral even further. I have always been like that and so now that I really am feeling terrible, it can become quite severe. It also means that DH and my mother find it difficult to help me because I don't want to hear positive things. I think I will speak with the counsellor from SIDS again. I don't want my whole like to become solely about waiting for another baby to come along. I just feel like I am trapped in time and I am not moving forward. I spoke to my sister on the Sunday night (she has had 2 late mcs) and she told me that I need to relax and not get up caught in the technical aspects. Her advise was to just get back trying again. After her first MC (she already had 3 children prior) she fell pregnant again 2-3 months after, and went full term and has a healthy girl. I know she is right, but I find it hard to relax. I always need to know things. She said that it is important that I believe that I can carry a baby full term.

Barbara - so sorry to hear you had a hard day on the weekend as well. I hope you are feeling a little better at the moment.

I was at a lovely shop on Sunday and they had beautiful baby things and the nappy bag that I had intended to buy. It got me down (I was already down but you know what I mean). I kept thinking that I should have been excited and buying something, but instead I could hardly bring myself to even look at them. It is so strange to go from actively looking at baby things and making purchases, to not even wanting to be near them.

I am feeling a little better today. We have our 6 week follow up appointment this afternoon. I am nervous but keeping myself busy working over the questions I have. I am going to ask for a couple of blood tests to be done, and if he doesn't think they are necessary I will get my GP to do them. The naturopath is interested in me getting some tests done, so no matter what I will be having them.

Hope you are all having an okay day. Take care. And thank you all so much, you have been a constant source of comfort and support.

[jo76]

katie - i hope your doc visit went as you hoped...i was a nervous wreck when i went back to mine. there must be something in the water as i to have taken a turn for the worst too. I am spotting also, don't know why as i thought after the horrific bleeding i had that nothing could be left but yet here it is showing up a little tiny bit every day. If your doc told you any reason for this i am interested to know also as it is starting to bug me as i thought my bleeding had stopped. My OB said similar things to your sister, he said there was no reason to believe that i could'nt carry a healthy baby. Just in the case of a devastating loss it is hard to believe that as you can;t see past it. I am at that point now. My IVF friend said that you do though somehow and you do have it in the back of your mind but she said you do get excited about it, so that was nice to hear laos. I guess our own experiences will tell. Aunty M - i agree, you do become obsessed by the bleeding. After a loss all we want is it to stop so we have some sense of "normal" again but then we become obsessed on the other side eventually hoping it does'nt come at all. Crazy how it can completely take over us. But i am a person who thinks she needs the answers also and will always seek them out somehow but this has proven that the answers don't really help for the first time.
I saw a baby in the shop today, as newborn as you could get and i found it really hard to look at him without imaging jacks face and seeing his tiny features in this newborns face. It made me realise how much i want that newborn baby happiness but also how much jack has impacted on me also. I could see his cute button nose right in that babys face and it was horrible. I really don't want to cry anynore but what can you do. my son said the other day that jack would never be forgotton as long as he was in our hearts and i just cried. I told my mum what he said and she said that they talk about him quite openly whne they are around there which is nice.I finally on sunday shared some "intimate" moments with my DH, the first time we have since jack died and i cried after that also. My mind just went numb and the tears just came.
I have had a stressful few days, i think i mentioned we sold our house in nov, then lost jack and then it got to the start of this month and we realised we had no where to live after feb 8th. (settlement) So i have been deserately seeking rentals to tide us over until we find a house to buy and finally found out today that we have been approved for the first one we applied for and that they will let us have our dogs there too. Some good news! So i am madly packing and then of course we have to move house on the 2nd of feb when we get our rental house handover. So hopefully my mind may become busy wih something else. I am sleeping a little better so that is good also but i almost have to force myself to sleep at a decent time. I still struggle to get up, i could find it quite easy to lie in bed for longer than go to work. I used to love work but my enthusiasm for it has gone. i would have finished up in april to rest for his duedate of may 3 and i am very conscious of all of that at the moment. At a 30th i went to on sat night a girl i knew was preg and had this huge gorgeous round belly and i could'nt take my eyes off it. Then my friends mum asked me how i was feeling yet walked away when i was in mid sentence saying it was hard. So then i just felt stumped and wondered why i had bothered to try to open up at all. Alot of people just go weird if i mention his name, yet talking about him as the baby he is to me is what i need to do. sorry for my long post, have'nt been on for a couple of days although i tried yesterday and it would'nt let me post!...take care everyone! hugs to you all...it sounds like we have all experienced some rough moments lately!

[jo76]

here is a poem my ivf / inspiring friend sent me...i cried but it was wonderful as it was so me at this point. sorry if you have seen already but based on all of our last few posts thought i would write out anyway!

I have just lost my baby
It is hard when you ask "how are you", the normal response to that is that i am fine.
but i am not fine, at best i am a bit fragile and a lot of the time i am far worse.

Don't expect too much of me too soon. If i had a broken leg you would'nt expect me to get back to normal for months.

you probably don't know what to say or how to say it but this is a huge part of my life at this moment and it helps me when you acknowledge that.

Please don't be scared to speak of my baby, because i still need to hear it.

there is no comfort to me when i am told that "time alone will heal" or "you can still have another" or " it was for the best"

having another baby will not replace the baby i have lost.

however weak or strong my faith or whatever your beliefs are , this is not the time for sermons.

I find it hard to believe that life in this outside world is still going on when my private world has collasped around me.

i will not become bitter but it will take time before the weight of my own feelings lightens enough to allow me to share your joys and sorrows

i will have good days and bad days, sometimes i will cope with alot and other times not at all. it may seem illogical to you but feelings often are.

a stiff upper lip mean i have got a tight rein on my feelings, not that i have come to terms with them.

you may not be comfortable with me crying or losing it but that is far healthier than numbeness, which is a sign of denial.

please keep in touch. i will always be grateful for the support you have given me but my grief won't end. An occasional phone call, note or visit will be greatly appreciated.

grief changes people.
i am not the same before i lost my baby and i will never be that person again.
if you are waiting for me to get back to my old self it maight not happen.
i am a new creature now with new thoughts, feelings, dreams and values.
please try to get to know the new me.