howdy everyone. back from my trip with dh and his sister and their new baby, who is only 3 weeks older than Yeti. it went pretty well, i only cried a few times when anyone could see -- his cry made me think of how silent Yeti's birth was. i didn't pick up my nephew until it was time to go yesterday, i wasn't sure how i would respond. now my arms seem empty again without Yeti. and to see how proud my brother in law is, i just want that so badly for dh. just before we left (i had almost made it through), my sil asked me if i wanted her travel crib because her wee one had outgrown it. i just stared at her in disbelief. i wanted to tell her that it was too big for Yeti, but i didn't have the ability to speak just then. i mumbled some sort of "thanks" and "how i am glad one of us has hope" and stumbled off into the bathroom to cry. on the way home, dh got a good earful of my pain. how can someone give a baby gift to a mother whose son has just died? she has had her joyous, hopeful dreams fulfilled with her wee one, while i know only too well that those dreams are not always reality. i want to send her a guide book of what not to do . . . number one being not giving baby gifts to a woman who has lost her son and is ttc (and when it was so hard for us to ttc Yeti). she meant well, i know, but it hurts so much to have that final stab in the heart.

Klee- i'm hoping seeing my nephew will open me up to babies too, although today i just feel that Yeti is gone.

Kat- sounds like you are dealing with a similar situation as me. each time my nephew laughs or cries, i think, that should be Yeti. my sil is as compassionate as she can be, but it still hurts and she really doesn't understand (she thinks that a new baby will cure everything). the jealousy is so difficult to feel. re dh, last week we had our first real conversation since Yeti died. it was the first time one or the other of us wasn't deeply depressed or angry or jealous or hurt. we were both on an even keel and could actually communicate. so be patient.

Nat- you are right, a few drinks did help with the sil & nephew. hopefully it helped the ttc too. now for the tww and no drinks to help that along.

Spring & Deb- my heart aches for both of you. i hope the time flies by and worry takes a vacation. hugs.

Lynn- i'm sorry for your hard week, and happy birthday to little Cooper. hugs.