Lynn - for what you are going through. I am sorry I wasnt here to respond to you yesterday.

First of all, I really hate that you are going through this and I feel so helpless cause I know there is nothing I can do or say to make it "better". I really agree with everything Spring and Alex have said. I think the decision to TTC is a very personal one and completely lies with you and DH to make that decision. Maybe if you do give it a rest for a little while magic will happen, but do you think you can? I mean I think I have gotten to know you pretty well and I worry that without the TTC journey and all of the focus it takes, as painful as it is getting kicked in the teeth every month, you will cope less well than you do now. Although, if you do feel that you cant go on maybe it is best to take a break. It is a bloody tough journey and I cant blame you at all for this struggle in your head. Maybe see how the Sids and Kids meeting makes you feel before you decide? Maybe they can help give you a different perspective on things? Maybe that support will make you feel like you can go? Or it may give you the strength to feel you can take a break? I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with making that decision and you would certainly not be a quitter - quite the opposite in fact, I think it takes a very strong person to want something so desperately but decide to wait to get their head right so if you decide to wait a while you should be absolutely proud of yourself not beating yourself up for quitting. And remember, you wouldnt be quitting forever just taking a break - it doesnt mean you have to lose sight of your dreams.

In regards to continuing TTC but just not telling everyone else that you are, well I can only speak for myself but I know that every time I have to tell someone that AF has arrived so therefore I am not pregnant I feel like a total D***HEAD and such a failure - especially after those months when I say I have had cramping a few days into TWW and a few others symptoms so maybe I am pregnant - I feel like I stand there telling them with my tail between my legs yet again, also because I know how much everyone (especially my sister and mum) want me to be pregnant and I feel like I am letting them down when I say hey I failed again, and seeing the disappointment and sadness in their faces. I now dont tell them my cycle, they do know I am TTC still but I dont tell them my cycle because it just takes the pressure off a tiny bit. I dont know, does that resemble anything you feel month after month? If it does maybe it would be worth continuing to TTC and just letting your family think that you are taking a break, remember you will not have to go through it alone - firstly you have an amazing DH who is on this journey with you. And secondly you have all of us, you can share your ups and downs with us and you know we will always be there for you, and you know there are a few of us who are willing to drop everything if you needed to chat to someone or cry to someone and I am one of those people. On the other hand, if you want to include your mum, she is a great mum and I believe she can spread herself around between you and your older sister - you are right a divorce is a tough thing and you love your sister and want her to be supported as she supports you - your mum would find a way to be there for you and her and I hate to say but regardless of whether she thinks you are TTC she will worry day and night about you because you are her baby, and you always will be.

Maybe it would be worth seeking a second opinion from another FS and discussing it with them? Go through your whole history, go through what has happened with this FS (which I am sorry to be blunt but I think your treatment there has been absolutely appalling) and how disheartened you have become, especially with what happened this month, tell them about your family problems and tell them how you want a baby so much but you cant continue to go through this agony of being picked up and them dropped down all the time. Maybe they can advise you of what to do? Maybe they can give you an idea of whether they think they can help you quickly or if they think it will be a long process? Maybe they can give you a little more confidence than this FS has? Maybe they will make you feel that they are with you on this journey which is a very important thing? I know you hold your OB in high esteem so maybe you could contact him and ask him to refer you for a second opinion, tell him what has happened and that it is breaking you? I am so confident that he will try to help you, from what you have told me he seems to really care about you, DH and Cooper and I think he would be mortified to know the treatment you have been receiving.

I am so sorry for the long post but I wanted to put forward all of the points so that you make a well thought out decision, I just wish there was more I could do to help you. I wish I could take all of this hurt away and make you happy even just for one minute.

If you need anything at all, you know how to find me - phone, email, SMS, MSN - I am very versatile

:hugs: to you my friend and know that I am thinking of you.

Love Mel