Tanya- Yes I did get the info. Thanks. I tried explaining to him that I am more likely to end up having a c/section if I dont have a doula.
Leasha- Thats what Im worried about that he wont be able to make the decsions for me, as I know he will be too worried about how Im coping.
Sunshine_sieben- I do understand that this is his baby too, and thats why I would like it to go as smoothly and calmly as possible, so that he is not stressed out, and I feel having a doula will also help him too.
We talked about the whole doula thing last night, and he said he was quite happy for my mum to be there to do all the running around part so he could concentrate on me. Then that means that his Dad will have to look after the boys, because my mum will be in with us. I also think that a doula will help keep me calm, because I am scared out of my undies about the whole labour and birth thing.
Hun you need to do what is going to make you feel most comfortable. Honestly, after the birth I bet he won't even remember why he didnt want a doula. He'll have his little baby in his arms and he'll have seen how much of a support the doula was... go for it. Honestly. Don't do something you'll regret. I'm possibley just projecting my own disappointment here but I wanted a doula, Shel said no, long story short everything went to **** and I had an emerg. c/s. And sometimes I feel so angry and resentful at Shel because she was so sure she'd be ok, and then she wasn't and I keep thinking "if only you'd have let me have a doula..." and you REALLY don't want to be in that boat hun because its the stuff that can kill relationships.
Bridg, Mum's can be great a births, but I can assure you if things don't go to plan, she will be behaving a lot like him and agreeing to whatever the medical staff say. I know this is your and DP's choice, but it seems like your DP just doesn't understand what doula does.
We are trained to understand what the staff are talking about, we know what the alternatives are to interventions and when and if those interventions are necessary. We also encourage fewer interventions which will ensure a better birth experience for YOU... because in the long run you are the one who will have theo whole experience imprinted in your mind.
Bridg, as I said, this is not really his decision to make. I totally agree that it will help him, too.
Having your mum at the birth can be wonderful. My mum was there when DD was born. But from a support point of view, she would have been useless. Although she herself had 2 vaginal births (1 completely natural, the other one induced), she was totally out of her depth when it came to her own daughter in labour. She was along for the ride, and I loved having her there. But more because it was nice to be surrounded by people who care about me and the baby and to share this experience with them. Same with DH, he was there to witness the process, he gave me to drink but didn't really do a whole lot more than that. Well, neither did my midwife, but that's because I didn't want anything done. I mainly wanted to be left alone.
Don't let him talk you out of a doula if you feel you would be happier and calmer having one. I didn't have one, as I had my own midwife and I was in a birth centre so felt that my choices were supported there anyway. But from what I read, you'll be going for a VBaC. I do really believe that you'll have a much better chance at getting the birth you want by having a doula.
Let's face it, your DH and your mum will not be able to make rational decisions when it's crunch time. All they will see is that the most important person in their lives might be in pain or even danger. They will not be able to be objective and they don't have the knowledge to make an informed decision if things don't go quite to plan.
Befor DD was born, DH was really quite arrogant about the whole situation. I would have liked him to do a ha;f day session about how to be an effective birth support. So that he might learn some massage tricks if I have back labour or stuff like that. He said: "What, you don't think I know how to help my own wife?" Yeah right, he was completely useless in that respect. I loved having him there, and I didn't want anyone touching me anyway, but he was no HELP to me whatsoever. he said so himself afterwards.
So, go get yourself a doula. As I said, if he was the one doing the work, he could make this decision. But since it's you who has to birth this bubba, you need to get yourself the help you need and want.
If you do a Google search you will find heaps of info.
My experiences with dads have been pretty good so far. I guess the main thing to re-iterate to them is that in no way are you taking their role during the birth. Dad and I are a team. If a dad wants to be very involved with the birth, which your DH sounds like he does, I let them know that I am there to help THEM help mum and unless mum directly asks for me, I take the "backseat".
Like the others have said, it really takes a meeting of some sort for them to fully appreciate the value of our support.
Good luck and I hope DH comes around soon!
As much as I am a huge fan of dads at births, I am also a huge fan of Doula's! But I also may be bias
Nes - You can find a Doula in your area by searching either the Find a Doula website. Or on the Doula Register website. Those should have some Doula's in your area.
What area of Brisbane are you in?
I am moving down to Brisbane from Townsville in the next week or so to do my Bachelor of Midwifery at Aust. Catholic Uni. Depending on when you were due, I am interested in taking on a few clients here and there. Feel free to PM if you'd like to talk more.
I'm thinking that I might want an extra support person in there too, but DH is very much "I don't want anyone in there - this is an experience for you and me." While I understand his point, I'm finding it hard to explain why I think an extra support person (who is a professional -- it's not like it's a family member, which I understand he's uncomfortable with) is a good idea. Maybe we can talk to/meet with one and see how he feels after that. We have some time to think about it, but it's been on my mind a bit recently.
I'm a doula and I also have a husband who doesn't want a doula lol! I think it is very harder to make decisions on things like this first time around when it's all unknown. I became a doula after my 1st pregnancy/labour and I know at the time I didn't know much about doulas but wouldn't have wanted one...obviously I see things differently now!
I think it is important to understand that there will be other people in the room other than you and dh, midwives possibly obs etc etc and I think it is an advantage to have someone there who has seen it before, they are a professional who knows a lot about birth, they know what you want, you've had time to get to know you and for you to feel comfortable with them and they can suggest different options for natural pain relief, positions etc that can often fly straight out of your head at the time
I think sometimes husbands feel that a doula is basically there replacement because their partner thinks they won't be able to do the job properly. I know personally that I feel labour and birth is such an amazing important experience for a couple and I certainly don't want to take away, I want to improve the dad's experience.
There is more than enough work for 2 and the thing is with labour and birth that a man's natural reaction to seeing his wife in pain is to try to protect and that might mean he finds it hard to help u stick to your birth plan if you are aiming to labour without drugs. Guys just find it hard to get past the natural urge to protect to realise that the pain is good pain and it leads to a baby iykwim.
A lot of labouring women like massage and VERY hard I find this is one thing I often help dads get during labour and then leave them to it, It's just about empowering and helping both of you.
I think if it smething you feel strongly about then it is important for you to really have a good chat about it and I would also suggest meeting with some doulas and being really open and honest and get your dh to ask everything he is worried about and see how it works. I always make it clear to my clients who feel like this that if at ANYTIME they want to be alone during the labour than just say the words and I can pop out to give them that time and really our job is to cater for the individual so be as hands on hands off as wanted so it can be very much worked out so that your dh feels very confident. In my experience men feel very comforted when the time comes to have someone there for them too and someone to kind of bounce off and just let them know they're doing the right thing
No way girl stand up for your rights!!!! if it would help you, you need it. This is on eof the toughest most rewarding things you can do and you need to grab as much support from whatever sources you feel the most comfortable with. Sell it to him!!!!! Tell him that it would mean if he is needing a break that you will have a much needed support person, what if he needs to step out for a breather, a loo stop, to chuck or pass out, food a good cry??????Some one who is experienced who will no what is happening is invaluable a will help keep you focused, partners are great but are often to emotionally involved when it comes down to the nitty gritty. Maybe you could suggest a trial and if it does'nt work out the doula will leave you and him to it, once it's happening he won't want her to leave!!!!!
Last but not least, you could always cry and beg him to let you have one....tears and preggy women work wonders lol.
Just explain to him that having a doula will mean that he can actually enjoy the moment, come along for the ride, rather than having the responsibility all the time to do things you need him to do.
As I have mentioned before, I personally would not really ask him. If I'm the one who has to do the work, then I do it my way. By all means, explain to him why you would like her there. It is much easier if he is on board with the idea when the time comes. But do not give away your power of birthing the way you want to birth. Yes, he is the father, but let's face it, what would he know about what YOU might need when you're in labour. Hey, you don't even know what you will need until you're in the situation.
I thought I might need massages, hot packs, people helping me to be in various positions. But when I was actually in labour, the only thing I needed was someone offering me a drink every now and then and to leave me alone most of the time.
I hope I don't come across patronising. I don't mean to be. I just want to let you know that it is alright to insist on these things. If you back down on this and things end up not going to plan, you might hold resentment and blame his resistance to a doula for the rest of your life.
Well ladies, we have made some improvement on the doula front. I just havent been in here to update sorry. He agreed to having one, but today thought he may like to have an independant midwife instead. He is still tossing up on the idea. I think his main concern is my and bubbas health.
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