Thanks again, Trish. People speeding down that street is a fairly common thing, but in my state of mind at the time, I thought it was just as possible that I hadn't actually checked properly.
I survived yesterday... I didn't manage to talk to mum at all about things, I was finding it hard to keep it together generally so I eventually curled up on the sofa with my nose in a book to distract myself. My nephew decided to snuggle up with me and spent a lot of time just sitting with me (this kid is usually running around non-stop!) which was really very nice.
I've got to the point where what I need to be able to move on from here is answers from the medical side of things. The first of August seems so far away! Fortunately, I have a friend who I can bother with the questions, and it may just help to have them addressed by someone in the medical side of things, even if I can't get complete answers just yet. My biggest problem is that I often can't find the words to give voice to what I'm thinking/feeling and it just stews inside.
Also feeling a little lost as to where I belong on BB now... the IVF stuff makes me feel a little odd in the M&L area, the loss is still a little too raw to feel completely comfortable going back to the assisted conception areas. No longer pregnant, not actually trying just yet... I guess until I figure out where I belong once more, this thread will just continue to get bigger and bigger... for someone who finds it easier to type my feelings rather than talk about them, I'm very, very glad (not the right word - relieved?) that there is a place like this where I can do just that.
I know exactly what you mean as to where we belong on BB, I had a very same question last night after thinking maybe should join the M&L, but with the IVF it does feel a bit out of the place...but at least I got some information as of what to expect after D&C (ie, how long have to wait to have AF or can start trying etc. )...
Stay in this thread as long as you feel comfortable and you know we will all come here to checking on you...taking one step at the time...
As for me, I don't know when to start again (we need to another stim cycle and that's just too much at the moment) ...but I did my very first post in LTTTC thread this monring thinking its something positive that I can do to move on from the tragic story, because everytime I go back to my thread and seeing the title, I want to cry...
... I find looking forward is easier than looking back...maybe that's my way of surviving this...
BW (and Bei Bei) - i wish i could give you the answers as to what happened and where you fit for the moment - i just want to let both of you know that we're here for you, and you will keep you company in whatever thread you decide to spend your time for the moment - and you'll be welcomed back with open arms into the AC thread when you feel you're ready to venture back over that way
BW - i'm sorry you weren't able to talk to your mum yesterday, but at least you were able to spend some time with your family, and your nephew sounds like he picked up on you being sad which is sweet. i have never been able to talk directly to my mum about my losses, but i know that she is aware of them, and that helps a little. hope you're having a better day today
BW, I agree with FC you belong wherever you feel comfortable and you may not know where that is for a while. I guess you just need to work out where you need support and you might find that you get support from 2 different threads. When I first started coming here I was posting in the Stillbirth/Loss thread because that is where I need the most support. Cooper was an assisted conception but also took 2 years to conceive so I could have gone into the LTTTC thread. Once we made the decision to TTC I started hanging around the AC thread and LTTTC thread because not only did I need support from people who had had a stillbirth, I also needed the support of people who have AC. Sorry I am babbling, but I guess what I am saying is that you may find that you fit into more than one place, and that is ok. You may also find that there are people just like you, I know in the Stillbirth thread there are a number of us that have lost babies but also struggle to conceive. Thinking of you
I guess it is a bit silly to expect to find one place where I fit perfectly... I'm starting to make my way back to the AC threads, but it's still a little painful there right now. It's especially confronting to see others have success - a very bittersweet time really.
I made it to church last night. I was very hesitant to go and as my DH is the sound guy and has to be up the back I was facing having to sit by myself. Fortunately, a friend from bible study found me and got us a seat where I could disappear discretely if I needed to. I think I needed to be there in a way - I couldn't sing the worship songs, I simply could not stand there and sing about how wonderful God is when my heart is breaking... So I stood, and cried and let the music wash over me. I think I needed to hear it, and it actually let me release and realise some of the anger I have towards God right now. I guess it's an important part of moving on. I managed to talk about what had happened without breaking down completely. It helps that I have very understanding and compassionate friends there who are content to let me talk if I need to and be quiet if I need to. In a very simple way, I think it helped to get back into the normal routine of life.
One thing I did find exceptionally difficult, though. One of my work colleagues attends the same church. We don't work closely, but as we live very close we at times share transport if one of us has a car off the road. He saw me last week at church, has not seen me at school all week and as he saw me last night he came to say hello and to check that I was ok. He was not someone who knew about the pregnancy, so I couldn't tell him the truth of what had happened. It was hard to assure him that I'd be ok, and I'd be back at work on Tuesday when I was all teary. It was also hard to have him ask how my holiday was. I know he's just being caring and friendly... but it was so incredibly hard! I guess I'm going to face a bit of that when I return to work tomorrow.
Which leads me to my next thought - what do I tell my students? Kids are nosey, they're going to know why I haven't been at work for a week. I don't want to lie to them, but there's no way I can tell them the truth. I'm tempted to go with "I had to spend some time in hospital, nothing serious, I'll be ok", but DH thinks it might just be a little too close to home and will keep my focus on the loss if I go with that and I should just tell them I've been sick. I know my students don't need to know anything - but it's the way kids (teenagers!) are, they are curious and will be worried about why their teacher has been gone for a week. The cover sheets at school have just had me listed as "unwell" so perhaps the I've been sick line is the way to go.
I thought today would be difficult as it should have been my first OB appointment. Surprisingly, apart from a few tears in the shower I'm feeling ok. I'll be going to lunch with some friends from church. They all have their own children and one is around 20 weeks pregnant, so it may be hard... but I know they are loving, caring people with beautiful children. One has been where I am now and two have been through the infertility battle, so I know there will be understanding there. I also know that the longer I leave it to face people the harder it will get.
I think that's enough babble for now, although there's a lot more on my mind which may come out later today.
Could you tell your students that you lost someone close to you, but you are OK etc?
It might give the curious (and blunt at times!) teens enough info to see it's not a subject that needs further disucssion iykwim?
Lulu, I think that might be even closer to the truth and even harder to talk about... I think I'll play it by ear and see how it goes.
Lunch today was fantastic. It was so nice to get out and sit in the sun and watch the planes, trains and people go by. Played in the park with two littlies (both about 18 months old) and chatted to my friends - one's 20 weeks pregnant and I even coped with that. Talked about things that I observed in pregnancy and why I was worried and wanted to be tested... two of my friends have PCOS and have been on metformin so we talked a lot about what different doctors had said about metformin in pregnancy... and all without collapsing into tears. I think I've come a long way in a week, and it's only through the support of Belly Belly that I have.
I sent an email to a friend yesterday. The friend that is the obstetrics registrar. Basically a repeat of the questions in my support panel thread. She agrees that the fact that I had spotting when I reduced prednisone dosage could very well be significant and is grounds for having further testing done. Her comment about the spotting with reduced metformin was "I will also do some reading about metformin in early pregnancy and see what our literature has to say about that. I think though that your little one had already passed away at that time and the spotting was more your body's response to the decreasing levels of BHCG." Which of course makes me wonder if the reason I was so sick that weekend was because it was food poisoning, and that's what killed the Caterpillar. Easy to fall into blaming myself there, but I'm focussing on the fact that what I ate was NOT a high risk food, and it's extremely unlikely to have been food poisoning as DH ate the same things and wasn't sick at all.
I'm still a little worried about DH. I think he's spending so much energy and effort on being strong for me that he's not really allowing himself to feel everything he needs to feel. But he's chatted to a friend who has been here, and it's good to know that he's got a connection with a man who knows how it feels, and I'm sure that he'll call and talk to him again if he needs to. Mostly, he'll just hold me if I need to be held and listen to me talk when I need to talk, even if it's midnight and he's tired and sleepy and has an early start in the morning.
Today is very much a day about shifting the focus. i'm choosing to look forward and focus on trying again and one day getting our much longed for baby, rather than sit and mourn for what could have been. The one thing I do know, is that I CAN conceive, I can get pregnant. Sure, it may take a little more help to get to the end, but I've got there once, I will get there again.
Once again I have to say just how completely grateful I am that there is a place for me to pour out my emotions. It helps to get it out, it helps to know others will read it and comment if they feel it necessary.
BW - I was so sorry to hear about your loss. I do not know what to say as nothing will help you I know. It was encouraging to read your last post and see you still have all that positive energy though.
Wherever you decide you belong on BB, i will HUNT YOU DOWN and chat
For food poinsoning to have had an effect it would need to have been something serious like listeria and i find it difficult to reconcile that you got listeria and were just sick a few days, and DH got it and had NO symptoms whatsoever. I know how easy it is to blame yourself. I have lists of things i did as long as my arm that caused my miscarriages, but really hun, it was not you.
HCG starts to drop when a pregnancy is lost, but yours was a missed miscarriage, you probably just had plenty enough hcg to make you sick still. With missed miscarriages the levels stop rising but they often fail to drop as normal, and women often continue to test +ve and have symptoms for weeks, until the loss is discovered through some other means.
You're right to feel positive about the future, your body has shown it can do its thing. The path to a family is so rocky for some, and this has surely been an agonising step for you both, but nonetheless you're still heading in the direction you need to. Your strength and tenacity is inspiring.
Amazing how you just can't pick what's going to be a good day or a bad day. I thought yesterday would be horrible, but it was a good day, a really good day.
Today... returning to work... I've had about three hours sleep, I've woken up with the headache from hell and I'm majorly anxious... Unfortunately, I don't think delaying going back is going to achieve anything at all, so I'm going to go... and if I don't make it through the day, I at least tried. I think I'm mostly worried about what to tell the kids about my absence that won't cause me to break down and isn't an outright lie. Would help to know what the teacher who took my classes last week said. Perhaps I can play it that way - ask the kids what they already know and confirm/deny as necessary and tell them that's all they need to know.
Monnie, thank you for your beautiful PM last night. I will reply when I can find the words, but it was most helpful. Thank you.
Hi BW,
I went back to work yesterday for the first time and it was nothing like what i thought it would be. I only cried once, and that was not because on someone being insensitive, but because someone showed such concern for what i had gone through. So I hope your day turns out to be a better one than you hopeing for. Hugs to you BW, i know what your going through and every one is here for you.
Is turning out to be not what I expected either... Gossip has random teacher knowing not only about the miscarriage but the fact I'm going through IVF - so I'm greeted with "I'm so sorry, do you think you'll try again?" Facing the kids hasn't been so bad - they have shown genuine concern and worry and are mostly glad to see me. Of course there are some ratbags that have made life a little unpleasant...
Have got through two lessons so far... our recess break was horrible as I had one of my colleagues ask me how last week was for me. Despite the answer of "absolutely horrible" he persisted in asking what had happened. I managed to choke out "I'd rather not discuss it" and walked away to compose myself, as I had to pretty much go straight to an extra lesson.
Great first day back - extra lessons, gossip, insensitivity and I'm told there's parent teacher interviews tonight as well. I think I'm going to have to pass on them, I'm just too tired already and will be facing complete emotional exhaustion by then.
Thanks for the support everyone, I really need it right now.
Big hugs BW, what an awful way to spend a day that would have been hard enough anyway. If only we could all be there at work with you today! You deserve an early night.
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my thoughts are with you and you DH.
Facing the kids hasn't been so bad - they have shown genuine concern and worry and are mostly glad to see me. Of course there are some ratbags that have made life a little unpleasant...
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