I feel.... strange ?

[LionsandBears]

So sorry for your loss.

The numbness is all part of the process. This horrific thing has happened to you and sometimes we need to detach to deal with things. I had a similar experience. I cried, then I felt "normal", I got on with things...it was a couple of weeks down the track when I fell to pieces.

Be gentle with yourself.

[Roryrory]

Sarah I was actually quite ok when told I had m/c (it was a relief after the uncertainty of the bleeding) and ok on the day of the procedure but fell in a heap for a few days afterwards and was incredibly depressed. Then I felt numb, then depressed, then numb again (all the while I was intellectually ok with the concept of a m/c because thankfully (to date, anyway) getting pg for me has been like falling off a log and I told myself that the blighted ovum was never really a baby anyway, as a coping mechanism I think. But I was still very up and down for weeks afterwards. hugs to you....

[Michelle71]

Never heartless When your heart is broken you shield it from the intensity of the pain.

As for being more at peace - perhaps yes. The trauma of waiting, bloods, scans, hope, fears, knowing that hope has gone, surgery etc has ended and a kind of peace is is what is left when the turmoil is gone. You are *normal* in the most special way

[human bean]

My thoughts are truly with you at such a hard time we had a huge shock finding out our lil one's heart had stopped at our nt scan....followed by a D&C 3 days later. I was so emotional leading up to it, but when I came out of surgery I really felt like I was detached from everything. And that detached feeling lasted for a couple of weeks for me, I was really just going through the motions and felt like I was existing just outside my normal world, if that makes sense. Wasn't crying, wasn't visibly upset, but just putting one foot in front of the other. And then one day it hit me, and I don't think I have ever cried that hard or for that long, and it helped. Just a little, but it helped. Because I had started to feel guilty that I wasn't more outwardly upset, so I think I understand why you are questioning yourself.
It all built up for me again around our due date too, and now I look back I can see it was part of the healing process for me. Everyone is different, and healing takes time, and your heart will never heal completely, but ever so slowly it gets just a little bit easier

[{sarah}]

Oh Human Bean I could kiss you! That is exactly it, I know I'm not ok with it, but I'm feeling just detached like I am moving & doing things but not really here entirely. Thank you for sharing.

And thank you everyone else too, you make me feel much better

[Willow]

Oh Sarah, I really feel for you

I was exactly the same. I felt relief the day after my D&C and felt awful for feeling that way. For me, I actually found it quite traumatic knowing that I was carrying my baby inside me that had passed away. Thankfully I only had to wait overnight for my D&C, I will be forever grateful for the hospital putting me on the emergency list on a Saturday.

I remember coming home and doing house work, vacuuming in the lounge room and my Dad looking at me like I had two heads, telling me I should be resting. I felt very detached, just as you're saying. Like none of it had really happened. Or it had happened but now it was all over, so time to get on with it.

Unfortunately, that state didn't last long. I fell in a heap a few months later because we were trying to fall prg again and it just wasn't happening. I became very depressed and the EDD was VERY hard.

Be kind to yourself honey, and just allow yourself to feel whatever you feel.

Thinking of you....

[tippytoes]

Sarah it sounds completely normal to me. When I found out our pregnancy wasn't going any further I was hysterical. My FS called us to check on us the next day and gave us the option of D&C (best thing I could have done for my own sanity). I had a sense that if this baby wasn't alive I needed to start over - I didn't want to feel like I was pregnant, when I knew my baby wasn't going to ever be in my arms. Just as I was getting knocked out for my D&C I was crying uncontrollably, me FS held my hand and told me it would be okay. When I woke up he came in to check on me and said in his soft voice 'Rachel, you look relieved'. I guess thier was a small sense of relief, I just couldn't hold onto this baby cause I knew it didn't matter what I did - he/she weren't coming home with me. I definately continued to grieve and I don't think you ever really 'get over it'. I still think about my angel baby a fair bit especially around due dates etc. It is such a hard thing to go through and everyone is different. I also sympathise about the clothes not fitting - I was very bloated from all the IVF meds, I just wore my track pants, it felt comforting somehow?
and more Sah.

Take care and be kind to yourself and get extra cuddles from Z & J and hubby too, he will be feeling it aswell.
Rach xx

[Mother Goose]

Sarah, honey, you're grieving. Everything you have written is perfectly normal. There are multiple stages to grief including anger, numbness, shock, denial, elation, relief. You may not visit all of the stages of grief during this difficult journey, and you may revisit some multiple times - it's all normal. There are no rules for dealing with grief - you deal with it as best you can. And so far, you're doing a wonderful job. Don't be afraid to lean on your IRL friends and family as well as your BB family and friends. And when you're really struggling, remember, take it one day at a time... and if that's too much, take it an hour at a time... and if that's to much, take it a minute at a time.

A friend of mine once scribed in a book she gave me When we can't run, we walk. When we can't walk, we crawl. When we can't cruel, we get our friends to carry us. Let your friends carry you when you need.

[aussienic]

:hugs: I honestly felt the same way.. I was devasted once we saw the scan but after that I don't know. I was sad but not devastated anymore. It is really hard to explain.

I also found once I had the D&C's done I was feeling better emotionally. I don't know if it was because it was all over with or what

very sorry for your loss..

[Lisa]

Oh Sarah, firstly huge hugs to you

I felt a lot like this when I had the miscarriage in 07. I felt so guilty that I didn't react the way I assumed I would or should react. To me, I miscarried and that was that. I thought I felt this way because I had been told so many times that the baby had passed as there was nothing on the screen and there was a week of being told yes I was pregnant and then no I wasn't. I also felt that because I was just over 8wks, the pregnancy didn't feel as real to me as what Noah did, so the miscarriage to me felt less of a loss.
I felt guilty as there was a part of me that was relieved when it happened as it meant it was then over and I could go back to life as I knew it.
I was fine right up until my due date. That it when the enormity of what I'd been through hit me. I cried for my lost baby and I cried for the sibling my children would never know... most of all I cried for the fact that it had taken me this long to feel like this and I felt like I had betrayed the baby I was carrying.
I still have my moments, but as time goes on the memories get less hurtful and things become easier to deal with, but I will always remember my baby... how could I ever forget?

Sending you some healing vibes and loads of love. Please be gentle to yourself and know that you're definitely not alone in how you're feeling... it is true that everyone grieves differently.
Thinking of you

[maz]

its called shock babe. unfortuneatly it will hit you all at once like a ton of bricks . be gentle on yourself when it does honey

[smiles4u]

.... i was just about to mention the same as Maz, ... for me i was certain i was in some state of shock where alot shuts down and goes numb, in a strange way it was a god send as i felt i couldn't cope if i was crying all day long, needless to say my heart felt so heavy like someone was sitting on my chest (that i felt all day & every day but as time went by it got lighter) xox

Sara once again i'm so, so sorry ... warm gentle hugs to you from me

[Anila]

I just wanted to send u some hugs
and to let u know im thinking of u.

[BekZ]

Nope - perfectly normal. It is like a surreal, out of body experience. It happened - but it feels like it happened to someone else. It is self preservation. There is only so much you can process at one time and yesterday was enough to get through.

You will grieve, you will feel that pain of loss - when you are ready to .... and that may take a while.

Yeah That. I lost it around 6 months after my twins grew wings. I read a article in a parenting magizine about dealing with the loss of a baby and that was enough to make me break down for days. Before that moment I felt guilty for feeling numb and not showing the "appropriate" emotions at the time .

Hugs sweetheart, give yourself time.

[MsPink]

Sarah.. I am so sorry for your loss. It is so devastating.

I'd say that right now your numbness is shock. Looking back, I too think I was like that for a day or so, maybe even more but the grief well and truly hit me.

Like the others have said...everyone reacts different. The way you grieve is an individual thing. There are no rules about how or how long..

Am thinking of you...

[~clover~]

I'm so, so sorry Sarah. Everyone processes things differently & everyone deals with it differently.
Just wanted to send you lots of strength to get through this

[kermit4]

sarah,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Dealing with such an experience is so hard, but everyday is different. I've found that some tiny everyday things bring relief and some bring more pain. Either way, I've found I often feel exactly the opposite to how I expected to feel. That has made me decide that nothing and everything is "normal" under these circumstances.

I did however have a bit of a cry just before when I realised there was nothing to wear!

Just wanted to say I could totally relate to the experience of having nothing to wear. I lost my little boy at 14 weeks and we were in the process of moving house. I had packed away all of my smaller trousers and dresses etc as they didn't fit any more and I thought I wouldn't be needing them. My poor DH was bewildered to find me so upset over the fact I couldn't find anything to wear that I felt amazing in.

I am constantly wearing all my more figure hugging items since they came out of storage. I think I'm anxious to make it completely plain to anyone who sees me that I am no longer pregnant. It's a bit weird but I feel better in them. I'm just going with the flow.

I also am trying not to judge myself and my own grieving process at the moment. I find that on the days I feel better I find myself coming here. I think it's a bit like picking at a scab. I feel good but then I come here to read my own story again. I think I feel a bit guilty when I start to feel happier. Reading all the ladies heartbreaking stories and re-reading my own tends to make me feel down again although all the ladies here have such good advice that I do try to take something positive from each visit.

Anyway I guess we should just let grief come and go as we feel it and don't worry over it. I thought I had got over things quite quickly but a few weeks on found myself floundering again. Then just as quickly, things looked brighter again. I'm quite sure there will be more ups and downs to come too.

my thoughts and prayers are with you and all your family, especially your precious angel.