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Thread: My sleeping angel

  1. #19

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    It is true that once you experience the loss of a child, the innocence of pregnancy is lost. I had complications throughout my entire pregnancy so I never got the "your at 12 weeks" all clear, but I never thought it would end in the loss of my child. It really just isn't discussed or even something that we are educated about, so when it happens you feel like the only person in the world, like your body has failed you and your baby. But you are not the only person sweety. Unfortunately there are many of us, but just talking about it and realising that there are absolute strangers out there just like me who care so much about you, will help you get throught the dark days.

    I see from your signature that it was a month yesterday since Cooper became an angel. How did you go hun? I am 12 weeks today and it seems like only a moment ago that the doctor told me he was gone.

    I guess we just have to play with the hand that we are dealt but that doesn't change the fact that it is just plain unfair.

    We will get through this together. A mother who lost her baby at 40 weeks told me recently this and it is one of those things that I keep remembering

    "no matter what anyone tells you about being a new mum, the tiredness, the dirty nappies, the crying, being a mummy to an angel baby is the toughest job in the world and we would never sleep another moment in our lifetime, to have our babies with us"

    I know that you would have been and are a wonderful mummy to Cooper. I am sure that my angel baby Harrison and all the other angel babys are looking after him.



    :hugs:

  2. #20

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    When this first happened to me, I thought I was the only person that it has happened to. I have alot of friends who have had babies with no problems at all, and thought that is how it is. I keep asking myself, why me? I know there will never be an answer because it shouldn't be anyone and why we are picked is just so unfair.

    Yesterday was not a good day - I kept thinking about what I would have been doing if things had turned out differently. I can't believe it has been 1 month already - it feels like yesterday when this nightmare started. How have you got through the past 12 weeks? How have you been today?

    That quote is so true - how we only wish for dirty nappies and constant crying.

  3. #21
    MUMMY4LIFE is offline .: ~ Don't regret anything that ever made you smile ~ :.

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    Lynn, I can't even imagine the pain you and your family must be feeling after the loss of your little man. Cooper will always be with you, know matter where you are....in your thoughts, dreams and heart...he will remain FOREVER.

    Take Care. X

  4. #22

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    Lynn

    I wish i could give you a huge big hug... To struggle for two years to conceive and then fall pregnant and have your little man taken away at 37 weeks is so cruel... In time you will find strength ... my prayers are with you..

    love leis x
    Last edited by firemansgirl; January 2nd, 2007 at 07:35 AM.

  5. #23
    tiggy Guest

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    Lynn,

    I'm so sorry to hear that little Cooper is not with you. Be gentle with yourself. It is a long journey that you are on. I lost my son almost three years ago and somedays the pain is still very raw and real. The best advice that was given to me was to just let it be, feel everything and allow it. If you need to cry, cry, if you need to be angry then so be it, if you want to talk about Cooper, then do. Everything that you are feeling is right. There will always be 'I wonders' and 'what ifs' and the longing to have Cooper with you will always be there. Hugs, I'm thinking of you.

  6. #24
    malimum Guest

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    hello lynn, so sorry to hear of ur loss. Im sure ur lil Cooper is looking down at u, and will be a guide thru out ur life with much love. My thoughts and 's r with u and ur husband as well as ur family. Take care....allow urself to grieve :hugs:

    Bye

  7. #25

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    Lynn I only just saw this post. I spoke to you on phone late last year after Copper passed away and again wish in a way we never met you in these circumstances.

    It is hard for people to understand what one goes through unless they experience it themselves.. Our lives seem to drag on slowly, while everyone else is going on as normal... you feel cheated and cannot believe what has happened.. Why me?? wishing you can wake up, as if it were a bad dream.

    Tears tremble with every heartbeat ... every pregnant women and crying baby (or not) we see... the TV shows the horrible news stories they eat at us.It is not fair.

    But two years later I can say it does get better- you do move on with normal living but a part of you is forever missing and the emptyness of not having Charlotte in my real life remains.

    The worst time is the first year /six months but slowly I can honestly say things do get better.I sought out beautiful friends who experienced the loss of a baby too.They say the sympathy with others runs out but never with special friends.They tell the truth and are an inspiration in darkest hours/days/months. They help lessen the pain. With them I am Charlotte's mummy and I can talk openly about her.I can laugh and talk delight in the sign and wonders she sends me.

    Trish
    "~♥~ DD Charlotte Rose 1/9/04 26wks ~♥~"
    Samuel & Joel God's Gifts 1st July 06

  8. #26
    greeneyes Guest

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    Dear Lynn,
    Thank you for sharing your and Cooper's story, and the beautiful poem. I am so very sorry. I lost my dd at 18 weeks, over 3 years ago. I read a book several months later on "stillbirth and neonatal death", which was very helpful (I think that may have been the title). It was written by 2 people from SANDS. It may sound strange but one of the most reassuring things I read was not to expect to "get over it". That was very comforting to me, because the idea that i might forget her and not feel the pain of her loss, seemed horrible to me. Although I still feel it, what happens is that the very acute pain passes and it does get easier over time. I saw that you posted elsewhere about ttc. I was advised to wait 6 weeks, until the uterus had fully involuted. In fact we fell pg again on the weekend of her due date. I wanted to try right away, but it took a little time to fall. Looking back, I think that was good. It would have been hard if our next baby (Simon) had been due on or near the date we lost her. Since you were ttc for 2 years before, you may not want to lose any time, but keeping Cooper's birth date or due date "for him" might be something to consider. Please do what seems right to you, and I think that applies to everything in your life right now. If you want to tell more of your story do that (one of the hardest things for me was that I wanted to talk about it and very few wanted to know what happened), if you need to cry a lot then do that. We had a funeral for our dd and I went to the cemetery as often as I wanted in weeks after. I still go regularly but not quite as often. It also helped to get up very early in the morning and walk when it was very quiet. Finally, it helped me to watch totally non-thinking movies such as Austin Powers and Legally Blonde. I was able to laugh at them and somehow that helped me get me feelings out.
    I hope that posting on this forum will help you too.
    Lots of love and hugs your way.

  9. #27

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    Thanks Greeneyes. It will be 6 weeks tomorrow since I lost Cooper. I can't believe it has been that long - it seems likes yesterday. The pain is still so strong. It did take us a long time with Cooper so we don't want to lose any time, so we thought it would be best to start soon. Like someone said, I am not replacing him, just the whole in my heart. Cooper could never be replaced - he is my first son, my first baby who I love and miss so dearly.

    We have Cooper's ashes with us at home until his garden is ready at the cemetry. (We are waiting on the plaques). I got into his room every morning and say good morning and talk to him and turn his musical mobile on. I didn't want Cooper to be alone, that is why we brought him home until his garden is ready but now I don't know if I can let him go again.

  10. #28

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    I think its so lovely that you have cooper at home with you. I love that you turn on his mobile each morning. Cooper will never be alone. He will comfort you & warm your heart forever. I imagine that its hard now to think of his memorys as warming your heart, but he is your child & all children are created to warm our hearts. Be sure to tell all his future brothers & sisters about him. Make him a part of your life, just as you would if he was still here with you.

    Massive Hugs to you & your DH. Hold on to Cooper as long as you want him with you. Don;t feel as though you have to take him to his garden before you are ready.

  11. #29

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    oh sweetheart I have obnly read this now, I sually dont read these because they are such renching stories. But I did want to tell you Cooper is a very beautiful, special little man. He's keeping all the Angels busy as I can see him being very popular up there. What a beautiful soul this little being has.

    I could never imagine having to go through what you and your hubbie had to go through. Words could never describe that pain. And I feel so sad to think you had to endure such a pain.


    I am sititng here with tears welling up.

    This is another little soul I will happily light a pure white candle for and say a prayer that his spirit will lighten the whole world over.


    He's all but away on his own mission sweetie, but never out of heart or a loving thought.


    Love to you and your hubbie!

  12. #30

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    Lynn - I hope that Julieruth responds to your query. I imagine it's pretty tough reading that post and not understanding what it means. When it is your baby someone is talking about you want answers and clarification and it is not too much to expect really.

    for a speedy response.

    Love Mel

  13. #31
    kirsty Guest

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    Lynn I too hope you get the answer you are asking for in regards to your precious son, it must be a bit freaky to get a post like that.

  14. #32

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    Lynn, I'm so sorry to hear about this awful thing that has happened to you and your family. Although nothing I can ever say will make the pain better, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as your family and little Cooper.

    Take care of yourself sweetheart.

  15. #33

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    I'm so very very sorry for the loss of your precious angel Cooper :hugs: I'm glad that your DH is there to support you, btw that poem brought tears to my eyes too.

  16. #34

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    Julieruth, I am so very sorry for the loss of your little Angel Dehlia. I too know how much this pain hurts. BB is a forum where we come to provide support and encouragement to women who have lost children. Some only recently or some years ago but no matter the time, the pain remains.

    This is such an emotionally harrowing time in our lives and we are entitled to feel safe amongst the BB ladies. The post above is a little concerning. I know you may be trying to help Lynn, but I have to be honest, if you had said that you had visions of Harrison I would be terribly upset and offended. This may bring you comfort, but I guess it is important to realise that some people do not chose to believe in this sort of thing and it is very upsetting and posts like this rear many horrible emotions.

    I am only telling you this to be honest and so that all the ladies who visit BB, including you, continue to feel that this is a safe place full of unconditional support.

    With friendship
    Spring

  17. #35

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I cant even begin to imagine how you and DP must be feeling. My heart goes out to you.

    The poem is absolutely beautiful and made me cry when I was reading it.
    xo

  18. #36

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    I totally agree with Spring, we have to be mindful of what we say to people going through so much grief. It takes so much emotion and energy just trying to make sense of these tragedies, and as mothers the emotions hit us more directly than others - the fact is there is no sense in losing our babies, no matter what the circumstances or "reasons". Personally, all I know is that our babies should be here on earth with us, and that is all I want to know. What we need is, as Spring said, unconditional support, and to realise occasionally it is best to leave some things unsaid.

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