thanks everyone
Thanks everyone for all your hugs and lovin, I am felt a bit better today when I woke up, until I showered and can't work out why my breast hurt so much only to look down and see drops of fluid..............I can't believe it, I know its not real breast milk but it still made me cry, WHY????
How could this happen, I did everything right, I don't smoke, drink and I took all the right vitamins and did everything the DR told me to do.........I know there are no answers to my question I know no on deserves to go though this.
DH and I decided last night that we will name the baby, to honor the beautiful miracle that we both know one day we will hold in heaven....(yes I do believe that and make no apologies)
I spoke with the OB's office yesterday and they told me to come in still on what would of been my scan date.........thats going to be a sucky day for sure.
I also just talked to DH about buying a necklace, and he is cool with it......but is worried that I will dwell to long on this baby, he isn't heartless and is very gentle, kind and loving but he knows my obsessive personality I guess,..........We talked about trying again last night, I felt I could talk even though the thought scares me to death I know that for me and him we need to do this.......now that we did all we did to fix our(many operations, precancerous treatments etc) infertility issues after 11 long years, BUT I need to honor this baby too and I explained to him that the necklace, the babies name and NEVER EVER forgetting this baby is something we also need to do........he totally agreed, and then we got in to this silly little "I like this name he likes that name" chat, it was almost like the baby was still with us and then we both looked at each other and just both started crying and hugging, My DH is a rock and I do not what I would do without him.........I'm still freaking out about the concept and one second I think NO way, and they this empty feeling and yearning of needing to fill it comes over me like a wave of grief and I think...........OHHHH god I need to be nurturing a baby in my womb again.......I don't know what my OB will say about waiting since I only have a limited time before the precanercous condition I have needs to be checked or treated again........so I am really worried about that, I feel like I have been in a boxing match anyway and I have aches and pains in places I never knew I had, I know my body and my heart might need a month or 2, but Our OB might not give us that due to my issues and I guess that is scaring me but at the same time I also do not want to miss our chance as in the long run I have to have a hysterectomy within 1-2 years to stop the risk of Uterine cancer.........and I know my DH needs to know the plan as he is worried about not just us having another baby but about the precancerous cells returning and thats why he talked to me about trying again last night.........OHHH gosh I feel so different from one second to the next.
I lost it yesterday when I went to our bathroom and opened the top draw looking for something and forgot the pregnancy tests where in there............IT sent me in to a tailspin.........I hate all these emotions they make me feel like I am losing my mind.
SORRY to ramble,
Hugs Nicki
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I hope your grieving journey brings some comfort.
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