Feeling conflicted, guilty and undecided about how to birth baby #2

[Blondie]

Hi Ladies,

So with the memory of my Son's Birth still lingering at the back of my mind I am really struggling to decide how I am going to birth my second.

Every part of me is saying Caesarean - but everyone I have told as given me "the look" sort of like a mixture of pity and disappointment. This really makes me upset, they don't know what I went through and why on earth should I have to justify myself to them.

So what I want to know is, why did you decide to have a caesarean? Was it because you had to have one, because you wanted to have one, or because like me you had a traumatic birthing experience first time around and didn't want to put yourself through it again?

Any experiences welcome....I don't know what I want to get out of this, only support to make my own decisions I guess

Sorry if this thread is pointless....baby brain and guilt are making me feel out of touch with myself.

[Phteven]

One of the reasons I am certain that I don't want anymore children is so I don't have to make this decision. No-one has a right to give you funny looks because you're having a tough time. If they haven't been through a difficult labour followed by a c-section they have no idea what you're going through

If I did have to choose I would probably go with the c-section. I'm very grateful to live in a modern Western society because after 2 labours I'm pretty sure that my body is crap at birthing and that in the old days I would have been one of the many women who died in child birth.

[Miss_Dee]

I can't offer any advice cause my first bub is still cooking, but I just wanted to say to hell with everyone else. Don't feel guilty if you decide a c section is what will be best for you. They are not the ones that need to go through the birth, you are so you need to do what id best for you and your baby. Maybe instead of telling people you're going to opt for a c section, just tell them you'll see what happens if they ask. Unless of course it's the doctor/midwife giving the look in which case they deserve a boot up the bum

[Blondie]

Thanks for your support ladies I think it's just the unknown of what could happen either way that kinda freaks me out. Maybe as you said Miss Dee I should just keep my mouth shut about the birth, by the time the baby comes they will be too wrapped up in it to ask me how it came out. Onyx - funny you should mention thank god for modern medicine, I would have been in the same boat as you, without the epidural to relax me and allow me to fully dilate I think both DS and I would have died...there was no way he was coming out otherwise...sad to think of what could have been if some of us had given birth 100 years ago!

[HotI]

Blondie, I just read your birth story. I can understand not wanting to repeat that again . I think that pregnancies go for 9 month ish to give Mum time to get ready emotionally as well as physically, I know i needed that time 2nd time around to get my head around what happened the first time and what i wanted to do differently for #2.

When i didn't want to deal with other people's issues or reactions to my plans, i found it easier to be really vague or say that i was exploring my options. You are right in that nobody knows exactly your circumstances, and what will work best for you. And really it isn't any of their business.

Best wishes for your pregnancy and an awesome birth.

[Blondie]

Thanks lovely I didn't think of it like that, I should take that time to consider my options. I think people's reactions disappointed me because I was expecting support and when I didn't get it, was kind of taken aback....but I guess that's why I joined BB - so that I can get support and discuss things without being judged.

Maybe being vague would be an idea....perhaps if I am vague enough it will make them realise that they have no business asking in the first place

[nothing2lose]

Unless the person/people in question is offering to be a gestational carrier for your baby they get no say in how it is born. That's up to you, bub and a lesser extent, your healthcare provider.

Im sure you wouldn't dream of telling someone they couldn't birth vaginally, so why should they tell you you can't have a planned c-section?

That said, if you did want another vaginal birth, I am sure there are lots of women on BB who could offer advice and information on helping you confront your fears. Either way, wishing you a wonderful, healing birth experience!

[Three Graces]

Hi,
I just read your birth story and I can see how you wouldn't want to go through that again. I've had 3 caesars (and tried to avoid each of them), but I can honestly say that an elect caesar is far better than an emerg one after labouring. I had an obs who was supportive of me trying for vba2c but I ended up getting pre-eclampsia, so she booked me in for a caesar. This meant that i got a midwife allocated to me in recovery and got bubs to stay with me and we had our first feed in recovery. I think there's also some studies re: the mental and emotional recovery is much quicker when a c/s is planned vs when it's not planned etc.

My third c/s was by far the better out of the three. Maybe just tell people that you're going to see how things pan out (and then just do what suits you), so you don't have to deal with their reactions. I got the opposite reaction to you: lots of doubt and fear about trying vbac etc and I felt that I had to justify my reasons. The non-committal line about 'seeing how things pan out' was much easier to trot out to anybody who asked.
Good luck and I hope you have a better birth experience this time around!

[~ Mylitta ~]

This is no one's decision but yours and no one has the right to judge you.

How do you think you are going to feel in the future about how you birth your baby? If you went with the planned cs do you think you would look back and feel disappointed with yourself, or would you feel relief? If you went ahead and tried for a vaginal birth and succeeded I'm assuming you would feel mighty good about it, but if you attempted it and it didn't go to plan and you ended up with a cs anyway, would you look back on it with regret? Or be proud that you tried? At the end of the day it will be you that feel the most emotion about your birth, so it's completely up to you how you do so.

Best of luck to you! ♥

[Blondie]

Unless the person/people in question is offering to be a gestational carrier for your baby they get no say in how it is born. That's up to you, bub and a lesser extent, your healthcare provider.

Im sure you wouldn't dream of telling someone they couldn't birth vaginally, so why should they tell you you can't have a planned c-section?

That said, if you did want another vaginal birth, I am sure there are lots of women on BB who could offer advice and information on helping you confront your fears. Either way, wishing you a wonderful, healing birth experience!

Thanks so much Yeah there are heaps of people on here who have had a traumatic birth and then had a beautiful birth second time around - I take my hat off to them. Might be worth a read of their birth stories for some positive outcomes

Oh totally, I would never ask a Woman how she plans to birth....nor would frown on them for their choice. Any of my friends who have gone into that kind of detail I have always offered support. I even had my DH's step brother's Fiancee who has never had a baby tell me not to have a C-section because I will be a cripple I felt like saying "Oh yeah I was coming up roses with my 40 hour labour and 3c tear last time!

I think listening to your healthcare provider is important - they usually have a reason medically for why things need to happen and at the end of the day, I just want to hold my baby in my arms like every mother

[Melbournemumma]

Hi Blondie.

I had an induced labour first time, was at 3cms at the beginning and after 8hrs was still at 3cms. My body wasn't dialating and DS1 was in distress so I had an emergency c-section. With DS2 I had planned to attempt a VBAC. I considered my options for a while and after reflecting on my last labour and talking to another midwife, I decided that the risks of me ending up with a similar experience, coupled with the fact that my mother also never dialated fully with her labours I decided to have another c-section. My body responded really well to the second ceasar and it was a lovely experience which included me breastfeeding DS2 as I was wheeled through the halls of the hospital back to my room.

I made my decision based on my own research and information. This was MY birth and no-body else had any right to comment on it.

[nickle730]

I, like the PP's, think it is no one else's business how you birth your baby and you should make the decision which is right for you and no one else. I did want to offer you some reassurance that a difficult first delivery does not necessarily mean that your subsequent deliveries will be difficult. My DD1 was an obstructed labour with a distressed baby - an extensive episiotomy, failed ventouse and eventual forceps delivery. Hideously traumatic and the physical and mental recovery were difficult. When I birthed DS two years later, I was terrified, expecting the same experience. DS was a straightforward vaginal delivery with no assistance and a minor tear. I had DD2 5 years later and she practically fell out.

After DD1's delivery, I lost faith in my body's ability to birth. I thought that perhaps my body just wasn't made for it, or that I didn't have the mental strength to do it properly.

Whatever you decide, surround yourself with people who support you and ignore the other people.

[Blondie]

Threegraces - yeah I have heard the same thing....having time to process what is going to happen might make it easier emotionally on me. Thanks for sharing your story.

Mylitta - I do have to say at the end of my labour with DS I was like Yeah I did it, I felt like I had finished my marathon and I had my prize! LOL I can see your point. I guess that is why I am conflicted too....I want to chose a c-section for the right reasons - whether it be emotionally or physically. I definetly want to be happy. I guess I would kind of feel ripped off if I tried for natural and then ended up emergency c-section....not sure why though - after all I just want my baby to come out safe and sound. Maybe cause I was threatened with it last time.

[Blondie]

Nickle - Thanks for the encouragement It's lovely to hear that people can have a traumatic experience and then have a "normal" delivery. Your first Daughter's birth was a horrific experience. Your very brave!

Melbournemumma - Your story is so encouraging as well, Knowing that mentally & physically I have made the right decision for me is very important and leads to a positive outcome. It's all about informed choices right!

[RhiChiChi]

I didn't have a traumatic first birthing experience with my DD (ended up c-sect, failure to progress) but the thought of booking straight in for the c-sect crossed my mind. I think it is nobodys business or right to judge you on how you choose to deliver your baby.
It wasn't until I chatted to my DH & OBS (going private again) that I chose VBAC.
Funny how people support or don't support you depending on what you say. I take the path of saying VBAC (for those who know I had a c-sect) but am open to another c-sect if it has to go that way.

My gf had a difficult (not sure if she uses the word traumatic) first birth with a 3rd degree tear and opted straight for c-sect. She didn't even think for a moment of VBAC and that was her choice, and hers only.

If you do have thoughts lingering about a VBAC then explore that now and make an informed decision either way. Do what is best for you & best of luck.

[Blondie]

Thanks so much RhiChiChi - Maybe after a talk with my OB I will feel more inclined to go one way or another. My appointment is in Oct

Gosh maybe it's just the pregnancy hormonees but I am overwhelmed by all the support I have recieved - thank you all so much it means so much to me that everyone is being so encouraging and positive. It makes me feel empowered to know that I am the master of my own destiny.....Oh dear, I sound like an extra from Starwars! If people at work haven't already guessed i'm pregnant they will soon know when they look in the corner and see the fat lady blubbering at her computer

[fionas]

I'm like Onyx - I think if it wasn't for interventions and I'd had to birth 200 years ago, I would definitely have died in childbirth.

DD1 was a forceps delivery. I pushed for close to three hours with absolutely no movement (or at least that's how it seemed to me). Utterly futile but I was with an ob who I chose because he is anti-intervention as much as possible.

Unfortunately, I also had severe SPD (pelvic instability) so the three hours of pushing with my knees against my shoulders did me, I believe, irreparable damage. I still can't get into that position without being in severe pain five years later. Anyhow, this has had a huge impact on my life. Housebound after having DD1 because I couldn't walk very far, couldn't lift her etc. etc. Moved to a house with no stairs because I can't do stairs very well.

SPD is something that gets worse in every pregnancy. At 7 weeks pregnant with DD2, I was told I would be in a wheelchair. I managed to avoid that by doing very little, but I was housebound AGAIN.

Bear with me, here comes the bit that's relevant to you. Despite all the evidence telling me that a vaginal birth would likely be difficult and likely to once again cause me many difficulties post-birth, I still faced judgement from people when I told them I was considering an elective caesarean AND I still thought maybe it was a copout. Now, I can't believe I was so stupid that I let other people's opinions make me feel bad. I had spoken to my physio AND several independent midwives who all told me that they believed a caesar was the best option for me OR at the very most I should only push for 20 minutes absolute max to minimise further damage.

End result was I had an elective caesarean. Best thing I ever did. Although I have ongoing issues with SPD, my recovery after the caesar was much, much better than after the VB.

At the end of the day, we are all different. Choose what's right for you and please, don't let anyone make you feel guilty about your choices. They didn't experience what you experienced.

[Rach83]

I am also having a cs this time purely by choice - not made lightly but it's what I've chosen.
I've stopped telling people I'm having an elective because it's 1) none of their business and 2) I'm sick of the looks, judgement and feeling I need to explain my decision.

You know what is best for you and your baby. Other mothers should be on your side and understanding but unfortunately we spend more time judging than supporting usually.

All the best!