Now, now hun .... you need to take a deeeeeeeep breath and calm down. I am not telling you not to cry ... we need that too, hell I cried for a month straight

The thing about dealing with stuff like this is that it's hard on it own .. but after having a baby, being a new mother AND having your body all out of wack and hurting at the same time ... it's darn near impossible.

Please don't blame yourself. I just wrote on another thread that we do the best with the information that we are given. And by the sound of it you were really tired, so don't beat yourself up. There is really nothing one can say to you now that would make you feel any better. All I can tell you is that EVENTUALLY you will feel better. The physical pain will go away, the emotional pain too ... it might just take a while longer. Your traumatised because you did not expect this and giving birth, c/s or vb, is a BIG thing.

my mother birthed all 4 of her children naturally, I have "child bearing hips" why didnt, or couldnt my body do it??
You are not your mother. Just because your mother could have VB's, does not imply that you should too. And "child bearing hips" is something someone made up, IMO. Just because you have nice hips, does NOT mean you are naturally inclined to VB. Just like saying someone with blonde hair is stupid ... THAT is stupid.

Don't hate yourself, mourn, cry even yell and scream a little ... but eventually you should write down what you feel, read it throught and burn it, eventually you should accept (don't kill me) that that is the cards that were dealt, that is the way it happend ... you can't change it.

I really do know what you are going through .. I know it's not easy to not get what you thought should come naturally to you ... chip up babe, chip up.