Yeah, when i say impulse control, that's not the same as knowing the rules. Children only have a conscience from around 3, though you see signs of it before then, it comes and goes (which is why they, mine does too, SOMETIMES apologise, but nmot always). That means that there is no internal guilt mechanism and no means of controlling behaviour, even behaviour that they know is undesireable. My DD can also tell me "draw on PAPER!" when i ask, but this is an intellectual response she has learned, not an emotional response she feels, kwim? She still can't help but draw on the walls if she has the whim. Most children have a few impulses (drawing on things, spilling things, touching things they aren't allowed to touch, hitting with the whistle) which they cannot control and you can smack them or send them to their room daily, impulse control comes when it comes, it can't be "taught" - it's a developmental stage like sucking or walking or speech. The punishment can be useful in that it reinforces the rule, but it cannot teach the ability to obey the rules without constant reminding/punishment for breaking them. Because i know that i can put her in her room and listen to her cry and then get her out and talk to her about it and she will STILL, twenty minutes later, with the tears barely dried on her cheeks go and draw on the walls again, i prefer to keep the crayons out of reach unless i'm sitting down with her to draw (which i try to do once a day at least). Everyone has to take the approach that works for them, for me i prefer minimum conflict until the conflict can beget positive results.

If DD draws on the wall and then sees i am upset, she will stop. But at 2 she is unable to PREDICT i will be upset and prevent herself from drawing on the wall in the first place. Impulse control is a toughie for most of us (hence my smacking that one time - that was lack of impulse control too!) and when a child "misbehaves" and is looking at you, they are usually looking to you for help to re-establish their equilibrium of "right" and "wrong" - it's as if they've de-railed, they need you to put them back on the rails where it's safe, but they don't know how to get there themselves. Imagine like when a tiny baby waves their arms so much they can't latch on and feed well - they will look at you and scream, because they have no motor control and need help. Toddlers don't have a fully functioning conscience - YOU are their conscience. You are the angel and the devil on their shoulders. That what all the "testing" of boundaries are about - they don't fully grasp that you and they are seperate yet, you're a part of them, to them. When they push you to the limits it is THEIR limits they're trying to find. As children grow past 3 or 4 their own conscience begins to come online more continuously, so they feel bad for misbehaving without having to be told off (this is also when they begin to lie to see what effect that has - like, oh i did wrong, i feel bad, if i lie will i feel better? Or will mummy not be mad at me if she doesn't know i did wrong? But will i still be mad at me? - again, they are beginning to see that you and they are seperate - they can feel bad about something even if YOU don't know about it yet - this is the dawn of real individuality and its flipside, empathy) but they STILL often struggle with self-regulating their behaviour. That's the stage where i'd introduce harsher consequences and begin to let them have more opportunities to self-regulate.

Bx