Cricket, could you give an example of something you'd use spanking for? If you don't want to that's of course totally fine - i just can't think of a scenario where i'd smack (i couldn't even think of one like the example you cited - disobeying a direct instruction, because i don't think i set DD up like that - like i say "Don't draw on the wall" while removing the crayon or putting the paper right in front of her, so i more redirect i guess?) and am interested in seeing the sort of thing you mean so i can think what i'd do. THis is such an interesting thread!

Also, i wanted to say before, about the parent/child becoming reflected in child/partner when the kids grows up - i DO think it's much more complicated than that kids will go and find someone "just like mum" or "just like dad" (depending on sexuality), but i also think that some things will be tolerated more, or get under the radar if they are things a kid saw in the family home when young. I don't think a child who is hit at home will PREFER a violent partner, not at all, but i do think they're more likely to TOLERATE one, kwim? And though i totally agree about adult relationships being different, most adults in fact DO use silent treatment, nagging, with-holding affection/sex/effort in the home/whatever to get their partner to comply with what they want, and MANY also use varying degrees of threatening behaviour/aggression/violence.

Bx