I'll give an example where we would smack (sorry cricket - i know you were asked LOL)
DS draws on the wall. I ask him "do we draw on walls?" he says "no, paper". So we go and get paper. He then continues to draw on the wall. He gets a warning. "DS.. we draw on paper. If you draw on the wall again, you're going to get a smack". (altho.. these days he gets sent to his room, or whatever he's playing with gets taken away). 5 mins later.. he's hidden himself in the loungeroom, doors closed, and is drawing on the wall in there. So, he gets that smack (or sent to his room. whatever was threatened). I then ask him to tell me why he was sent to his room, and he knows.. then he says sorry. We haven't had repeat incidents. In fact I've left some of the scribble on the wall, and he remembers that it was norty and tells me. So we can have little reminders of how its norty to draw on the wall... without him actually having to get into trouble for it again. LOL (never mind my laziness in not cleaning it off )
ETA: just want to add that you really need to find what works with your child at the time. We didn't want to smack early on, but distraction never worked, and naughty corner didn't work, taking something off him didn't work. He just didn't care. A sharp tap on the hand tho made him pay attention. Now smacking has joined the ranks of "pfft.. I don't care" and sending him to his room or taking the toy off him DOES work. So smacking has played it's part for us and is still there occassionally.
bjrose, i think that letting this out will help, truly i do. You two (yourself and DD) are having some tough times, but you CAN come through it.
I think you might be misinterpreting the whole behaviour thing. DD asked you "why are you being nice to me?" because nice isn't the normal thing. You told her you love her and want to be nice. She doesn't know if it's true. She wants to know if you REALLY love her, if you REALLY want to be nice to her, so she's testing you. She's finding out what will happen if... Will mummy still love me? Will she still want to be nice to me? I really feel for you, it's SO hard to come through this sort of testing, but i KNOW you can do it!
Time together- do the other 2 nap? Do they nap when she's around? Honestly if i were you i'd start getting the younger 2 into bed by say 7 or half 7 so you can have a bit of one-on-one with her. I know, chaotic, especially without help (your DH's hours sound awful for you all ) but desperate times (your thoughts re: DOCS and her thoughts on wanting to die) call for desperate measures.
Can you head her off at the pass so to speak with her stubborness? Ask her at bedtime what she wants for breakfast and give her that? Or give her 2 choices in the morning and let her pick? Or sit down and ask her to help brainstorm a week of breakfasts and put them on the calendar so she has warning about what's coming? It might be simpler to have her fight HER than you. You give her 2 choices of breakfast and when she chucks a fit because she doesn't want whatshe picked you say "oh, that's a shame, maybe you need to think harder next time you have to pick" and leave it at that. She can eat it or not. She chose it. If she throws it on the floor she can pick it up or go to time out. IF she tanrtums during whichever she chose, well, that's a pity, maybe she should have made a different choice. The same with all the other things really - she DID eventually choose to do her homework so she copuld use the computer - she's smart, she's going to figure it all out sooner or later, kwim? Try not to put yourself in opposition to her, it only leads to more and more conflicts. Being calm and loving and "nice" REALLY DOES work - eventually. But a kid whose trust is broken needs to regain trust. A kid whose boundaries have moved needs to test new boundaries. A kid like Jaz, who is more needy and demanding and willful by nature needs to have the consistency PROVEN to herbefore she will rely on it. Gentle discipline doesn't always get you well-behaved kids, but it does get you well-adjusted adults.
It must feel like i'm sitting here churning out responses without having to LIVE it, and i KNOW how vast the gulf between saying and doing is hun, really i do. Have you thought of Triple P or other parenting classes for more hands-on advices?
In that situation i would say "DD we draw on PAPER" and give her paper. If she drew on the wall again i'd say "do you want to draw on paper or do you want to put the crayons away for now?" If she did it again i'd take her crayons away - i actually make HER put them in the tub and then i put the tub out of reach.
Hoobley, you have to much to offer. I really enjoy reading your posts, esp these one.
BJ - things WILL go ok for 3 days or so, then she will push the boundaries. So you stand firm. There may be tears and rending of garments but you stand firm. Then it will go ok for maybe 5 days, then she might push. Then you stand firm again.
The behaviour will take a little while to change, but she will actually feel more secure knowing what will happen. You ARE making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it and yes it is tiring.
I think kids are like vessels and some need to be filled more than others. DD was an "easy" child - set boundaries, little push from her to see if they are firm - then all was well.
DS - well he is lots the same as Jaz, he needs HEAPS more attention than the other two - HEAPS, but once he is filled he is fine. It takes a bit and I've learnt alot in the last year, but now he is easier to "fill". If that makes any sense at all.....
Thanks heaps you guys.
I will persist. I think we've already had the lowest of lows, so I should be able to get through it. Especially if the psycologist picks up a problem at school or what ever & we get that sorted out. Getting DH to try harder to control his temper with her will help too. He is trying, but like I said, at 26 he is still the same as her in that way, so it probably won't be perfect.
But hopefully all will be OK eventually. I'd love a quick fix, but I know it's not possible.
Thanks again to everyone.
You're welcome bjrose - i wish i were closer, i'd come over for the afternoon and take the littlies so you and Jaz could have a shopping trip or cafe visit together NO problem!
You're right about having been through the worst bit - you are REALLY doing it, Jaz is just going to keep checking, like Lulu says. I would really recommend the note-passing or diary sharing - i'm pretty sure i saw it once on an episode of supernanny with a very high-needs 7 or 8 year old who had a lot of smaller siblings and was feeling it hard. She had a box for "thoughts" and she would write down something every day about how the day went, at bedtime mum would read the note and they would talk about it. THe first day she wrote something like "It's not fair the other ones get all the attention and you don't even LIKE me" but by the time supernanny was leaving they'd begun to have mum-and-daughter time and the last note said "I really liked ice-skating with mummy, it was my best day EVER. I really love you mummy" I'm tearing up at the memory! LOL. It's always surprising how much someone being able to express their feelings, EVEN when it changes nothing concrete, makes. I guess it makes sense though - i hate paying the bills, doing the dishes and ironing, and telling people makes no difference, but i always feel a bit better after a whinge
I would get DH to make an effort but don't worry about it overly - you can't fix the world and make it perfect for her, no matter how much you want to. Her dad is her dad and they will find their way together somehow. You're responsible for your relationship with her, but not her realtionship with him. He also needs to go through what you are - asking himself what he wants and how to go about getting it.
Keep talking hun, we're all here when YOU need to destress.
Thankyou so much. It's so nice when complete strangers care about how I'm feeling. Although You probably know more about my life than most of my friends & family.
& you will probably be hearing a bit more from me reguarding her over the months.
Thanks again. You've got no idea how much it means to me. I have noone around except DH & SIL to talk about it. I can ring my mum any time I want, but she's 10 hours away, so can't really DO much.
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) but desperate times (your thoughts re: DOCS and her thoughts on wanting to die) call for desperate measures.
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