I'd much rather smack than wage the emotional warfare my mother and sister did to me. Smacking is by far the lesser evil in some cases. I'd rather have a smack, forgive and forget, than be ignored and belittled when spoken about for years.
I absolutely and wholeheartedly agree Ryn. The one thing i am consciously changing about my childhood is the grudge-bearing. I felt once i'd "wronged" mum i could NEVER make up for it. Even after she "forgave" she would NEVER NEVER forget and i felt so manipulated by that. It's one of the reasons i asked bjrose if she felt they were getting up everyday with the undercurrent there of punishing one another for yesterday's misdemeanors. When life has been so difficult for so long it's really hard to let go of it all and say, "ok, from today we are beginning again" but grudge-bearing clogs everything up because if the child is asked to apologise/clean/up their mess/put the cake back but then isn't REALLY forgiven for it, what is the point in them obeying? They try and try and try and NEVER feel good enough, and you have to go on carrying your anger and guilt around all day and it just escalates. With DD i try really hard to address the behaviour and issue the consequence if there is one and then GET OVER IT. It's hard, i won't lie and sometimes i have to go into another room to "swap heads" so i can be bright and cheery again, but it works SO SO well for us.

The main thing i try to always remember with relationships (with anyone of any age) is that it takes TWO to fight. There can only be battles if you engage in them. I never argue with DD - what's the point? She's 2, she KNOWS she has to obey me, no matter what she thinks about it. That's frustrating and so i listen to her frustrations, but i don't argue or back down, i tell her factually what is happening next. That's it. The end. She may think and feel and SAY anything she wants about it. Because i try to only make necessary rules and requests, she is already realising that i'm not SO unreasonable, and i'm pretty sure we're on track so by the time she's a bit older she'll be able to really trust me, and know i won't railroad her for no reason. (I HOPE!!!)

I also try to hold onto my long view - i have ideals as to how i want my relationship with DD to be. I want us to have a strong bond based on love, trust and respect. A MUTUAL bond. I want her to be able to come to me for guidance and help, no matter what the scrape she's gotten into, and to know that i will offer all my best advice and still love her when she ignores it all. I will be her soft place to fall and the signpost to the source of her inner strength to rise again. When she is drawing on the walls, rubbing butter into the kitchen floor, throwing my hairbrush out of the window or putting sunblock into her dry hair, i focus VERY HARD on putting that relationship first and NOT acting in such a way that will jeapordise it. Parenting is the hardest thing i've ever done.

Bx