Very interesting to wake up to at 7.30am on a Saturday morning!!

First up - Hoobs, Sushee and Maya - gotta say I like the way you are all discussing this

Now to my somewhat garbled point(s):

Can any of us REALLY say we respect another's way of doing something while simultaneously doing something else? I respect your RIGHT to do whatever you want, but if i really thought it was the best thing for me, i'd be doing it too, kwim?
I think we can respect that something is right for someone else, Hoobley, but I think I know what you are saying. Its kind of like a discussion I had with my SIL a while back - she had terrible guilt issues about her c/s, not BF and return to work with her son (ALL of which were completely understandable in her situartion and level of knowledge about birth and babies). She is now incredibly pro-childcare and at peace with her birth experience (I think - but it is hard to recover from the idea of a MAJOR post-op infection which saps your body to the point where you can't BF). And I said to her (kindly) "If you are convinced that you boy is having a superior experience of life because of childcare, as opposed to a child who is at home all day, then be happy your child is better off". So I think this is kind of what you are saying Hoobs - we do what we believe is best. It is when we don't that we need HB=HM....

If you REALLY respected the importance i place in SAH, you'd be at home too. You KNOW what works best for you, and i know what works best for me.
I respectfully disagree. I actually want both - I want to be a SAHM and throw myself into it. When I worked I fantasied about how if I was home I would check the playschool program schedule and integrate the themes with trips to the library to borrow books on topic and little excursions to bring it to life. But I also want the full-time, successful career. The two are incompatible, so I have to choose. Thankfully for me my DH is prepared to stay at home with the boys while I work and we have opted for me to be the sole breadwinner so my choice is made for me.

I did not find being a SAHM mum fulfilling, not in the same way I now find being a working woman, a mum to 4 kids and part-time student to be fulfilling....I'm not confused about my role, I'm not pining for my pre-baby days, I just like my life just the way it is right now - which includes challenging work, some study to keep my brain ticking over, and my son not necessarily being with me 24/7.
And Sushee brings me to my next point - ultimately, women have to be comfortable with the stories they tell themselves. I don't mean this in a nasty way, such as "oh yeah you TELL yourself you want to work but you really want to be at home". What I mean is we have to find peace with our (valid for us and considered) choices. Before I lost my job I pined for the life of a SAHM (even though I chose to start working full-time - I hated seeing my career slowly die while I worked part-time). But as soon as I was at home I realised you have to be careful what you wish for! Now I relish the idea of working again.

I think if you are a mum who is a full-time SAHM while deep down thinking it is the most boring thing in the world, but tells herself she should be at home because you "should", you may be in danger of not doing the best job you are capable of. And equally, if you work full-time (through choice - I am not talking about necessity here!) but really would prefer to be home and are gutted every time you leave your child, then you are unlikely to have the committment to your career that success demands. So our stories must be compatible with our choices, for better or worse. For those of us who are reconciled with our paths, chosen or otherwise, we are content with what we are doing. For those who are not, then I think HM = HB might be their only escape.