Hey Felius,

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story with us. It has really tugged at my heart strings and I am personally very grateful that you chose to share your side of the story and give us a male's perspective on these tragic events.

I can honestly tell you that no, you are certainly not the only guy who feels this way. My DH is not the type to really open up about these kind of things - particularly to friends and family. It isn't the kind of thing that you sit down and just starting talking about as you say, and yet there he was, having to deliver the news that our first baby had died, to all our family and friends - simply hearing him on the phone over and over and over again repeating the same thing - I knew he was on autopilot and was just in a total daze. Our second baby nobody knew about except for my mother and brother, so thankfully he didn't have that burden again as it really took it's toll. I can't describe how I felt at that time - but I was so aware of the toll this was taking on DH - it was like all hope, all happiness, and even energy to simply stand were being zapped with every breath.

M/c places an awful strain on a relationship and I too have been petrified of not only what it was doing to me personally, but what it was doing to us as a couple - I felt like a failure and like the one thing I was really meant to be doing in my life was not going to happen. DH couldn't relate to the physical aspects of what was happening, and the emotional side - well I was a total wreck and for quite a while, I couldn't leave the house because I would be seeing pregnant women, or little babies and I would burst into tears. Seeing me like this was hard on DH as he felt that he didn't know how on earth he could possibly console me - how DO you console and comfort someone when they've been through that?? He was trying so hard to be strong for me. But you're right....when DH showed me that he was upset about what was happening - it made me feel less alone. The m/c's left me with such a profound sense of loneliness - the feeling that I had a little being growing inside me and then all of a sudden it was gone? How could I cope with that? How could I cope with knowing that this had taken place inside ME? I felt disgusted with myself, I couldn't stand my own skin. But to see DH cry (even though he only did it once) was enough for me to feel comforted and less alone. He too hides his feelings very well and even though one male friend of his tried to talk to him about it, he just clammed up and couldn't bring himself to speak about it openly - it was just too hurtful.

The physical process of m/c is devastating and painful. I have had a D&C with my first, but a natural m/c with my second and I can't possibly describe in words how I felt when I actually m/c my second baby. I won't even attempt to - you know only too well what this is like and I am truly and honestly upset that you and Zola have had such a terrible time - it breaks my heart to know that other people have experienced such terrible loss.

Felius, I know that nothing I can say can ever remove the hurt from your lives that you are suffering right now, nor can I do anything to remove your fear of the future which is overwhelming. All I can do is to tell you that you and Zola are not alone in your struggles. My main reason for first posting my story on this site was so that if nothing else, it makes someone else feel less alone during such an awful time. If reading my story, and the others that you have found here help, then for that much, I am grateful. All of that said, I know that nothing I can say can really console you, and not knowing where to from here is frustrating to say the very least. However, what I can offer you and Zola is support and understanding, and a friendly ear whenever you need it.

Again, thank you so much for sharing your feelings - it really helps me to also understand the way my own DH's mind is ticking!