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Thread: No heartbeat...totally unexpected.

  1. #37

    Join Date
    Mar 2004
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    Hobart, Tasmania
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    Hey Pukeko,



    I hope this doesn't come out wrong, but I'm glad you got some definitive answers from your test results. i don't know much about Turner's syndrome, but it sounds like you've got good chances of everything working out perfectly for your next pg.

    I'm wishing you all the best, and hope that your days continue to get easier for you. You'll never forget your little girl, but she will understand that eventually you will need to move on.

    Lots of :luck: and :hugs: coming your way

  2. #38
    redmoon Guest

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    hi, pukeko!

    so sorry to hear of your loss. but im also glad that you've joined this forum and shared your story. it takes great courage to voice out our feelings as painful as this. i just popped in today cuz i haven't had the chance to surf around the other forums. i've been in the ttc section all these time.

    it's really great to hear though that this is not expected to happen again so hopefully when your comfortable with ttc, it's not as frightening anymore hopefully.

    i also lost my first babies last march 23, edd was supposedly oct. 26. my DH and i've been trying for more than a year and went through several tests to find out why we weren't getting preggy. but after changing ob, we were blessed to get preggy via clomid (the wonder drug!!) and of course we were ecstatic. then after 2 weeks from finding out we were positive, we then found out we were having twins!! my DH couldn't love me more after that news and my family was in heaven (it would have been the first twins in our family). but at 9 weeks, as we went to our scheduled u/s, it showed no heartbeat and that our babies stopped growing so our doc advised a d&c. i couldn't stop my tears from streaming down my face in the clinic and as we went out of the hospital. it took me 2 weeks to accept the fate of my babies but i still miss being pregnant and talking to them. there are good and bad days but the thought of getting pregnant and giving my babies a new baby bro or sis helps me get by.

    but this site with the wondeful ladies is a blessing. i've been getting great support and i'm sure you would too.

    take care and my thoughts are with you.

  3. #39

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    WA
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    Hi Pukeko,

    Just wanted to let you know that i am thinking about you and hope that your chat with your OB goes well. Let us know.

    Also hope that you are doing ok today.

    Sarah

  4. #40
    kirsty Guest

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    Hi Pukeko,
    Glad you got some answers at least in the written form & hope you have gotten heaps more from your OB today. Hope you are feeling a little better & that maybe things are a little clearer for you. I don't know anything about Turners syndrome but it does sound like you have a pretty good chance for a healthy PG when you are ready. Just letting you know I am thinking of you!

  5. #41
    pukeko Guest

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    I'll say it again. Once again you girls and your heartfelt and personal message have brought a smile to my face. Not meaning to compare...but I wrote a similar post about the test results to the other baby forum I was on. Not ONE mention acknowledging I said. I'm sure it wasnt intended..just maybe they've already got their group/cliq established. I think I can say I'm on Belly Belly to stay! Yay!

    Have been trying to get that little chat with the Ob..but it's a little hard here at work. Might go and sit in another office when I get the chance. Whatever the case I'll let you know what he says...even if it's more the same.

    xxx Pukeko

  6. #42

    Join Date
    Nov 2003
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    SE Melbourne
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    Hi Pukeko

    I am so sorry that you have to be here, but as you have noticed we are all a great support to each other.

    Dont you just love Nick? He is also my OB and he has been wonderful and is so caring, I really regret toughing it out with my other OB for so long.

    I am so glad that you have some answers from him. I wish that I had him when I had my first missed m/c, then maybe I would have had some answers too. But alas, I wasnt seeing him, but now that I am, I am much more positive.

    I just have to wait for my next appt with him on July 29 and see where we go from there.

    I wish you all the best for your chat with him today and hope that you can clarify what you need to.

  7. #43
    pukeko Guest

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    Hi girls

    Sorry it took longer than Monday to respond. I didnt get to talk to Ob Nick until today (SOOO hard in an office!!!). Anyway, he really didnt tell me more than I already knew from our first brief chat..and endless hours of looking online. The difference was today he'd made some time to chat and let me ask stuff about chances of it occurring again (the Turner's syndrome), whether this is something DH or I 'carry', when to try again, etc etc. ALl answers for which were things to look at positively.

    The great thing that came form this final conversation with him about it, is I hung up at the end of it feeling literally this bizarre sense of closure...or more, I can put this whole experience into a little special spot in my mind and heart without all the hurt and blame, know that the last little one meant the world to me but I really feel I can look forward to trying for the next little soul without all the associated 'moving on' guilt. Hard to explain really but for the first time today, I actually got a twinge of excitment at working out when I'd be O'ing etc (and tying that in with a two week Sydney business trip next few weeks..hee hee hee). I havent felt like that this whole horrendous time. I can literally thank you girls for all this 'new found' perspective by hearing your support and reading your stories....

    So, I'm going to make today even more 'historic' while I'm in this contemplative mode and say this will be my last post in the Miscarriage and Loss forum about me (but I will certainly be offering support to those girls joining us in the future). Dont know why...just feels right (today anyway)...

    And here's to me seeing you all the in the TTC after Miscarriage gang. \/

    Pukeko

  8. #44
    meg Guest

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    you should be so proud, you have taken some very big steps, leaps, and yes, you should be very hopeful. It is exciting to be ttc again and the prospect of having another little soul come into your life, to acknowledge the passing of a little one, but to allow new beginnings is something to look forward too. I still look forward to it now, the excitement of feeling a little one grow inside of me. I sincerely hope you have a smooth journey from here and I look forward to chatting to you in the ttc after m/c and loss forum. As I tell the kids I work with, you should give yourself a pat on the back and you deserve a super big smiley sticker! because you are doing so well. Do also know that in the ttc forum lots of us have good days and crap days too and don't feel at all concerned if you have bad days and want to talk about them in the other thread. We are all very understanding.

  9. #45

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    Pukeko, I have replied to you in the TTC thread, but just wanted to say well done! You have come such a long way and have managed to come through such a difficult time sounding so positive. All the best with TTC, I will chat with you more there.

    As Meg said, if from time to time you do have 'one of those days' where things get you down a bit, don't be afraid to have a bit of a vent. We will all listen. We're all only human and it does happen from time to time.

    Well, best of luck. See you in TTC! :-)

  10. #46
    Oouie Guest

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    I have been reading all your posts - Pukeko you are very strong. I hope that I too will soon feel the ability to "move on" like you have.

    By reading the posts of people like becc, michelle, tootie, kirsty, angel, sarah, zola, meg and redmoon, and all the others reading, I know that we are not alone. I find Tuesdays that hardest, as that is the day that my weeks were counted from!

    I discovered at my 12 week scan that I had m/s at around 8 weeks. It is 4 weeks yesterday that I had my D&C. I still feel very emotional. I am afraid of having the worst PMS ever soon!!! Does anyone have any advice with regards this?

    I have my first OB appointment following my D&C on Monday. It hadn't occurred to me that I may find out if I had a boy or girl. Someone asked me the other day if I knew which, and I said no. Am I likely to be told on Monday? (Some of you other fab girls may be able to help - my OB is Ian Hill in Sydney?). I assumed I would not know. I am not sure how I will take this news.

    I also agree that the terminology used is awful. I think the worst is using the word "missed abortion" - it makes me prefer “non-viable pregnancy”!!!!

    At the moment am terrified of everything! DH and I were conscious of costs etc of having a child in Sydney with no family for support, and when we found out we were pregnant (like you, we fell pregnant after only 2 months of trying, and as I am 36 thought it would take longer!) had the attitude of “oh well, we’ll make it work”. Now I have people telling me not to worry, it will all work itself out – but I now feel like I have more of a choice - I need to fill out forms for waiting list now that I am not pregnant! So although I sooooo want a family, I am even more scared now that I know about child care waiting lists/cost etc.

    I visited my nieces in Brisbane – one is just 14 weeks now – and immersed myself in work for the last couple of weeks (we had a major new business proposal - so worked weekends, until midnight a few nights etc.). But as things calmed down at work - about 4 days ago – my feelings of being able to cope have declined. I actually became very upset (over finances, babies, what I am doing with my life - so combining lots of issues together) whilst with some colleagues on a business trip to Melbourne and felt very embarrassed - mind you it was 2am after a few too many.

    I am beginning to feel that I tried to tell myself I was all ok too quickly - so it is now coming back at me. Has anyone had a similar experience - how long should I still feel sad, angry and confused? Did anyone get any counseling? I am not sure where to go or what to do. DH is being very good, telling us we are very strong – but I am not that sure as to how strong I really am.

    I last visited this site about three weeks ago – you are all so comforting and re-assuring – I wish I had made time to visit more regularly over the past few weeks – may have made it all a bit easier!

    Hopefully I will feel a bit more complete after visiting the doctor on Monday. So any advice you have…gratefully accepted.

    Take care, wishing you all lots of love, strength and babies! You are fabulous people and I cannot think of a nicer group of people to share my feelings with.

  11. #47

    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    WA
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    Hi Oouie,

    Im so sorry about your baby. The loss of a child is the hardest thing to go through in life i think.

    I think that it was very brave of you to visit your neices. Seeing babies is something that i find particularly hard so well done for doing this. I think that this shows more strength than you realise.

    To be honest i have had a few moments with my work mates that i showed lots and lots of emotions over the death of my daughter Katelyn. I dont think that you need to be embarrased even though people dont totally understand how you are feeling they still "feel" for you being in this situation.

    The best advice that i have had through all this is to just let yourself feel whatever you feel at the time. What i mean is if you feel sad then let yourself be sad, if you feel happy then that is very ok too. Dont try to make yourself be strong. You have been through a terrible ordeal and nobody who really knows what you have been through (all the girls on this site) wont expect you to get over the loss of your baby in 5 minutes.

    Nobody can tell you how long that you are going to feel all the emotions of greiving for your baby. Its a very individual experience and the time it takes you is perfectly ok. It has been over three months since i gave birth to Katelyn and i still feel Sad, Angry and confused every day. But that is me now and i am learning to deal with everything. I also have happy times where i can laugh and smile and not feel guilty. Our little angels wouldnt want us to be sad. That i am sure of.

    Well i hope that you are feeling a little better this afternoon. The only other thing that i can say is follow your heart and let each minute come with what it brings.

    As far as talking to someone, i have spoken with both a contact from Sids and Kids and the chaplain from the hospital who was with us after Katelyn was born. I have found both these ladies to be absolutely amazing and i can highly recommend contacting Sids and Kids if you feel that you need some more support. You need to do whatever gets you through this.

    I will chat to you again soon if you like.

    Love Sarah

  12. #48
    Oouie Guest

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    Hi Sarah

    I had posted you a reply but looks like it didn't appear. I have spent a little while searching for some contacts and information, and will go home a bit early today and ring Sids and Kids in Sydney - I will have a chat before I see my Doctor on Monday so I am better armed with what to ask.

    Thanks you soo much for your caring response.

    Thank you also to everyone else in BellyBelly land!

    Have a nice weekend.

    SUSAN

  13. #49
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Susan,

    I'm not sure as to whether you will find out the sex of your little angel or not. I didn't. I know it's different for everyone in terms of what tests are conducted etc, so it really is very hard to say either way. Sorry I can't give you a specific answer on that front.

    As for grieving - that really is a very individual thing and can't be dictated by any firm rules. How long it takes you to go through your grief process is entirely up to you and nobody can tell you how long that will take. It is a really hard journey, but sadly a necessary one, as if you try to avoid grieving, it can come back to bite you on the bum, and it sounds like it may have done a little bit with you ATM. Allow yourself to be sad and angry - these are perfectly normal and understandable feelings. If you feel like screaming, then have a good scream, or have a good cry - whatever you need to do, do it. I did have some counselling - I actually went to a psychologist that I had seen previously and I was able to work through a lot of my grief with her help. It really does help to sometimes be able to speak to someone in a professional capacity who is removed from the situation, i.e. someone who is not a family member or friend.

    After visiting your Doctor on Monday, you may well feel upset as just simply visiting the doctor can be a reminder of your loss. On the other hand, you may well feel a sense of relief somehow to get the test results as it can feel almost as if you are playing a waiting game, like you are limbo, until you know for sure what has taken place (if anything has been found). Whatever you feel, just go with it. Personally I was really frightened and upset about going back and when I found out that there was nothing wrong with either DH or I, I just felt so useless - like it was even more my fault, i.e. it must have been something I had done wrong to lose my little ones. This is a perfectly normal way to feel, but it's an awful thing too. So I guess what I'm saying is to just go with whatever your heart tells you.

    Let us know how you go ok? Thinking of you....

  14. #50

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    Hi Susan,

    It was good to hear from you - I was wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry to hear things are still a bit rough for you at the moment. Don't worry - we have all been there (and are still there in some ways). It is only natural that you are still feeling emotional. We can all understand what you are going through.

    I can't give any better advice than what Sarah and Tootie already have, but I will agree with them...grief is different for everyone. There is no right or wrong way to grieve - do what feels right for you. There is no set time and (unfortunately) no guidelines on how to get through it. Like you said, it has only been a month so it is normal that you might still be feeling sad. Give yourself all the time you need.

    I hope that you are able to work through this. Please come and chat whenever you need to and we will try to help you out where we can. Just talking about my feelings has really helped me. Having somewhere to vent where people understand makes a big difference.

    Wishing you luck and strength for your appointment on Monday. :-) Let us know how you go.

  15. #51
    pukeko Guest

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    Hi Susan

    Thank you for acknowledging my posts. Sometimes I find it hard to believe anyone would respond to me so openingly and with such feeling. This site is really amazing for that and I do believe now why I'm doing everything I can to stay positive about trying again.

    If your D&C was 4 weeks ago yesterday, mine was 4 weeks ago today so we were both truely having our hearts broken at the same time. As for the grieving, sometimes I too thought I'm saying "I'm OK" to myself all too soon...but you soon realise there's still everyday some very raw emotions. Even though I have now joined the TTC group and am trying to bury myself in calculating O'ing days...and of course my love for my husband...there are times like today when I go walking through Target to buy a baby gift for a friend....and I see some cute little girls jumpsuits etc...and I get bloody sad and bloody angry. I guess we've got the girls on this site who have all had those gut wrenching moments and we can all put our hands up and say when it's hurting. As for being terrified, I think that has been the most dominant emotion of the whole experience.

    As for your Ob appointment, not sure if you will find out the sex of your baby. If they did testing on the little one, they may have the chromosome results...where sometimes you get the copy of the little genetic 'map'...and it can be quite obvious. I only found out by natural selection. The reason my baby died was Turner's syndrome which only affects girls. Some girls arent so lucky hwre they may have passed the bub..or even with thorough testing, there's no aparent reason for the loss.

    Whatever happens at your appointment, I wish you well. You're faced with all the reminders of why you're there. Luckily, my test results were so obviouss, my Ob spared me the trip in and my last appt was a phone call.

    Please keep in touch :hugs:

    Pukeko

  16. #52
    jellybelly Guest

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    Hi Susan
    I am pretty new to the forum but I just wanted to say that how sorry I am to hear about your loss.
    Take care JB

  17. #53

    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    Beautiful Adelaide!
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    Hi there Pukeko,

    Just wanted to let you know, I read you story about losing your precious bub, and wanted to say how well I think you are doing, and how positive you are being: good on you!

    I really know how tough it is: when I read your original post it was like reading exactly about my own experience a few years ago: I fell pregnant after 18 months of TTC in May 2002 and on July 19th 2002, at 13 weeks pregnant, went for our NT scan, and there was my beautiful baby on the screen with with no heartbeat, measuring about 8/9 weeks. As you can imagine, it was the worst day of my life ever and I can still feel the pain & heartache, and I think I always will.

    It took me an awful long time and a certain amount of "shoving my head in the sand" to get better. Like you, I joined another Australain web forum but it didn't really give me the support I needed.

    Luckily, when I was finally ready to TTC again I found Belly Belly and the support here is amazing. I decided not to "dwell" on our past loss and to start TTCing with "fresh eyes" so I hung around the TTC boards only.......in those early days there were only 2 of us TTC! (Me and KelliD)

    Luckily Belly Belly is a very fertile site, and it was only 2 months before both me and KelliD were pregnant! So I hope that it only takes you a short while to become pregnant again, and that you soon have the family you want.

    As you can see from my sig, I now have a 4.5 month old little baby girl: Olivia, who we love to the end of the earth and back. After our pain back in July 2002 I never believed I could be this happy or fulfilled, so Iwanted to share this with you so that you can draw some strength and hope from it?

    You take care,

  18. #54
    pukeko Guest

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    Hi Lucy

    Firstly - Olivia is just beautiful! I dont blame you for being besotted. I LOVE that groovy little purple suit!!

    Secondly thank you for helping me, as I'm sure many girls on this site to look positively at the fact a bub really can happen after bad luck. Only too easily we can look at the 'babyless' picture of us after a loss...but people like you really help us to look at the bigger (more positive) picture.

    Something else wonderful women like you help me realise is to not be jealous or or confronted by every pregnant stomach I see. For all I know they are women like you who HAVE suffered loss...I shouldnt assume they are just cruising through a pregnancy. I shouldnt assume they havent suffered a near identical loss experience to me. I thank you for this dose of perspective!!

    I look forward to hearing more about you

    ;-) Pukeko

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