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Thread: No heartbeat...totally unexpected.

  1. #1
    pukeko Guest

    Default No heartbeat...totally unexpected.

    Can I join here too? (although I cant tell you how much I wish I didnt have to). I've been lurking for a couple of days but just got the guts to write...!!

    The story so far... I'm 33 and on Monday,May 31st, I went for my first Ob appointment. I really liked the guy and was pleased I'd (by fluke) chosen him off the listing of my Private Health fund website. Turns out he's the Ob in the Experts area on this site Dr Nick Lolatgis. At the time I asked if I had to wait for 12 weeks to have a scan as I was just still in disbelief it was actually ME who was preggers (apart from being terribly sick...it still hadnt really sunk in there was a mini person in there). He said no worries and gave me the magic piece of paper go get the scan.

    Two days later (Wednesday June 2nd and one day shy of being 9 weeks) I race down from work at lunchtime all excited and hanging out to have a little picture to show my husband. Sure enough, there was the baby..clear as day. Just like the little 'head and body shape' you think it would be. I guess I knew something wasnt right when the sonographer started asking if I'd had pains..or been bleeding and started looking around at other stuff like ovaries and cervix etc. She then said the words I was SURE didnt apply to me.."I'm sorry but the baby has no heartbeat". It measured 8 weeks 5 days so it probably had died sommetime in the two days prior. Very surreal experience after I gone for an otherwise routine scan for a first pregnancy. I have to say she was really lovely and kept stroking my arm in a really maternal way while she was explaining there being nothing I would have done to cause it.

    Alot is a blur now but the Friday following I was in a major hospital having a D&C..and now just 2 weeks on here I am, back sitting at my desk no longer pregnant and wondering "what the f###". Listening to everyone say (although they ARE trying to help) "ah well, it will be next time"..or the "natures way" "happens to one in 5" etc etc. Iapreciate what they're trying to do...but I keep thinking WHY DID I have to be the ONE in the one in five stats????


    Similar to everyone here, my Ob said to wait another cycle (but ideally 2) to try again and to go back and see him in 6 weeks to chat about the results of testing they'll do on the baby/everything else they took out of me.



    I've gone from blaming myself and every move I made that week (did I trip over, did I eat right, should I have slept on my tummy like I did), to the angry mode of 'why me' thing when looking at heavily pregnant women choofing away on cigarettes all day when I didnt so much as look sideways at a glass of wine...and now I am in this (well as of today) small obsession to getting back to where I was that week when everything was fine and exciting. Plus, as I'm sure everyone here feels..I'm crapping myself about it happening again and will probably want a scan every day! The Ob mentioned about the preggo hormones still being present and stupidly proved that point to myself by using the left over preg test I had almost right after the D&C..and sure enough 2 lines. Weird when that would otherwise be exciting. Only today, (15 days from D&C) have I finally got a negative test....no wonder I've been crying at the drop of a hat. How long has it taken others to get their period back....and for that matter start O'ing? I dont want to 'replace' the last baby...just want to start that path to healing and trying again...

    It only took me three months to concieve after about 11 years on the pill so I realise how ridiculously lucky I was...but now of course just want to know it will work again.

    My best girlfriend had her bub last week..and when I visited I was soooo excited for her and totally forgot about my sadness...but then of course ended up driving home from the visit with tears streaming down my cheeks...

    I went out last Friday and bought a little memorial for myself of the first bubba of a charm for my bracelet of a little teddy sitting on a little cresent moon.

    Sorry for all the jibberish..just spleen venting at this point. Hope to share some of your loads while you cop mine.

    :-( Pukeko

  2. #2

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    Hi Pukeko,

    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your precious baby. I can imagine the horrible time that you are going through at the moment - it's such a devastating thing to have happen.

    I too have lost a baby and can tell you that all the feelings that you are having at the moment are totally normal. In fact, I was hearing myself in a lot of the comments you made.

    I'm only fairly new to this site myself but I can tell you that it has really helped me to just get my feelings out when I need to. It's nice being able to share with others who understand what you are going through.

    Please pop in at any time when you feel the need to unload or just want a bit of support. I'm in and out of here fairly regularly at the moment and will do what I can to help you out. And don't worry...it didn't sound like gibberish to me. You actually made a lot of sense.

    Thinking of you and sending you :hugs:

  3. #3

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    Hi Pukeko

    Sorry for your loss. I know at the moment it is hard for you but you are not to blame for what happened.
    I would agree with what your ob told you and wait for your second cycle i know that maybe a wait but it would be for the best.

    It does take a while for your hcg levels to drop are they keeping an eye on them for you so you know that everything is back to normal ??

    I have just had my second m/c in 7 weeks and wish we had waited for my cycle to return after my d&c.

    Sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs:

    All the best on trying again.

  4. #4
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Pukeko,

    I am so sorry to hear about your m/c. It's such a horrible thing and sadly it's something that way too many people have to go through. (BTW, before I forget, you might like to take a look at the 'forum jargon' forum where it explains a lot of the abbreviations etc that you will see cropping up in here!)

    Your story sounds a lot like my first m/c. My DH and I had gone to our first OB appt when I was 10.5w and sure enough, we saw our little baby on the screen with tiny little arms and legs etc, but it was like suspended animation - not moving, and no heartbeat. I was just crushed beyond belief. I had another confirming u/s the next day where I howled at how cruel life could be and that I was walking around carrying a baby that had passed away at apparently 8.5w. I had a D&C a couple of days after that. I really feel for you Pukeko.....nothing can prepare you for this kind of loss.

    I too got a lot of the comments that you got i.e. it's natures way, or there must have been something wrong, or something about how common it is etc.....like somehow they were trying to justify something to me that couldn't possibly be justified.....I'd just lost a much-loved baby! If there WERE something wrong, it doesn't make the loss any less.....you love your little one immeasurably! A lot of people really don't know what to say in these kinds of situations, and sadly these are the kinds of comments that are made and it can be hard not to be offended by them. There were many occasions when I felt that I had to really bite my tongue or else I would have totally lost my cool. In hindsight, I know that they weren't trying to be cruel, although I did have some very hurtfl things said to me that to this day I find it hard to believe. I think that a simple 'I'm so sorry to hear about your loss' or to send you a card with this written on it really says it all - at least that way you know that people are thinking of you. I know it's hard Pukeko, but most people really just don't understand how you feel.

    It's only natural to go back over everything to try and pinpoint a reason for why this happened - I did that too. In fact, I still often think about it and blame myself to some degree. I had 2 m/c in a row and couldn't believe what was happening and after having extensive tests done (including chromosomal tests) and nothing was found to be wrong, I just felt that it HAD to be my fault - I must have done something wrong, eaten the wrong thing, or not done the right thing. It's way too easy to point the finger at yourself as it's natural to look for a reason, but rest assured when I tell you (and I still try to tell myself this) that the chances are that it is absolutely nothing you have done! Sometimes these things happen and it can be hard to accept it as just 'bad luck' because you can't possibly accept that! Not really sure if that made sense, but I want to reassure you that I'm certain you've looked after yourself and that what happened was completely beyond your control. Someone once said to me that perhaps the two little ones that we lost were only with me for such a brief time because they learnt everything about life that they needed to know - i.e. they learnt everything from me and no longer needed to be here with me to have their life's journey complete. It actually gave me quite a lot of comfort to think about it that way. I like to try and think of my little ones as having come into my life for only a short time, but having learnt everything they needed to know so that they left this world totally fulfilled.

    It really is natural to worry about suffering a m/c again. We all understand those feelings - if you read through the forums you'll see a lot of that coming out in people's posts.

    Sometimes your cycles can be a little wonky following a m/c or D&C. It can take between 4 - 6w for AF to return, and for some women even longer. It can be pretty frustrating when you feel the need to start TTC again, but try and look at it as your body taking the time that it needs to heal itself.

    I think it's fantastic that you've bought something to remember your little one by - I think this is a really important part of grieving. It's important to acknowledge the very important part this little life has in your family IYKWIM. I did a few things too, like wrote a couple of poems, a letter, bought a special plant etc, and I put together a special keepsake box. I also bought each of our little ones a special christmas decoration that will go on our christmas tree every year.

    OK...I think I've probably prattled on enough for now, but rest assured Pukeko that the feelings you are having really are normal and understandable, as hard as they all are to cope with right now. Come in here and vent your feelings as often as you wish and we'll all understand and support you in the best way that we can.

    Thinking of you......

  5. #5
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Pukeko,
    I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost a little boy in March of this year & know what it is like to get results that you are not expecting. What I found horrible in our situation is that our baby had a heartbeat at all the U/S's & when they checked my tummy with the portable listening machine & we knew that there was no way our little man was going to survive. I still miss him every day & am slowly getting over the feeling angry every day that he is no longer here. I should have been over 30wks PG today & after having my first son at 32wks know that if only it had of happened now he may have had a chance. However I can not live in the land of "what if's" & am slowly learning to accept what has happened & that nothing I did or didn't do made any difference to what happened.
    I hope you are taking time for yourself & not expecting too much of yourself. Now is the time to put yourself first & not feel guilty. Hope you are coping.

  6. #6

    Join Date
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    Hi Pukeko,

    I'm so very sorry for your loss. All the phases you've gone through are totally normal, and many of us have gone through the same emotions. It sounds like you are dealing with things as well as can be expected, and you have a healthy outlook for your future. I wish you all the luck possible for your future TTC efforts, and I hope that you will be holding you healthy baby in your arms this time next year.

    :hugs:

  7. #7

    Join Date
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    Hi Pukeko,

    Im so sorry for your loss. I have recently lost my daughter at 18 weeks gestation. My story is under Baby Lost - Heart Broken.

    Im again sorry that you have to put up with insensitive people making such insensitive comments. Most people dont understand but be assured that we all know what you are going through and are here to support you whenever you need support or have a rant.

    Please dont blame yourself for this. There is nothing that you could have done. You loved your baby and would have protected it if you could.

    I know exactly what you mean about knowing if it will all work again. I was worried about the exact same thing. My doc said to me that my plumbing works. So i have tried to focus on this as a mantra whenever i feel down about TTC again.

    I think that it is fantastic that you bought a charm for your bracelet. It is very important to have rituals in which to remember our lost babies.

    Hope to see you around soon as i said we are all here for you.

    Love Sarah

  8. #8

    Join Date
    Nov 2003
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    Hi Pukeko,

    I am so sorry to hear about your m/c. :hugs: It's one of those things that you never think will happen to you and it's so devastating when it does. Having to listen to those insensitive comments over and over is awful, but people just don't understand unless they have been there too.

    I am still trying to get my head around my m/c's as well. It's such an unbelievable thing, how there can be a little life there one day and gone the next.

    After my first D&C it took 8 weeks to get my period, and this time it has been 5 weeks since the D&C and I'm still waiting. But it varies a lot for each woman, so you may get AF sooner than that.

    Take care.

  9. #9
    pukeko Guest

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    My God! You ladies are amazing!!

    I just got home from work, made the dinner, spent our chat time with DH and now he has gone off to do 'his thing' (he's a classical musician so goes off to play for a few hours...which I love as it's what I fell in love with him for!!), so I just logged on to see if anyone had noticed my post. I just have to say how AMAZING AMAZING you all are and reading through your heartfelt replies which you all took so much time and effort into...I'm sitting here with tears running down my cheeks. I'm so moved that I got noticed! I've had to keep up with the brave face thing and forgot for a while there how much people care. YOu've all been through hell and still can hear that pain in someone else. Even that 'hugs' emoticon made me cry feeling the support...

    It's those same tears that you can go along day to day feeling 'ok-ish' then all it takes is someone to say 'So how are you really' and you lose it. I'm sure you all know that feeling....

    I thought of my due date (would have been Jan 6th) and it hit me today how hard that date will be. I only hope I can help support you guys through stuff like that while I go through all this 'soul searching' too. I keep thinking of thing like that. Another one I thought of was one night while pg I was soooooo sick and went to bed literally 20 mins after coming home from work. DH came in to see if I was ok..and said in my ear "thanks for going through this to grow our bubs". :-(

    Bec - thank you for jumping straight in and making me feel so 'normal' in one steady swoop. To hear people have seen themselves in a similar situation is the most comforting thing. It brought me more relief in a moment than in the nights and nights I've spent looking for answers...

    Tatty Teddy - I will take what you've said on board...even though I want to be pregnant again RIGHT NOW...I'll learn from what you've said and give the next pg it's best ever chance

    Tootie - you're incredible. Thanks for taking so much time to make me feel so much like I'm not alone. Looks like we both lost our babies at exactly the same stage (8.5 weeks). Even that makes me feel there was nothing I could have done. Maybe that stage is a crucial one for the development genes..and when 'something' was mucked up in the genetic information/blueprint and it wasnt there..then it all just stopped there and then.

    Kirsty - my god you've been through so much. Losing your little boy that much later much have hurt so much. The 'no heartbeat' part is the most tragic and I reckon I'll be wanting a scan EVERYDAY for the next pg..and not looking at the screen until I hear it's OK. I think I have been expecting to much of myself and hearing people like you makes me realise I should let myself 'be a basketcase' for a little while.

    Zola - than you for making me feel ok about being positive. I've had aweful pangs of guilt at this weird desperation to get pg again as quick as possible. Your wishing me luck and hope to eventually hold a baby in my arms gave me a pang of positive and I smiled while reading it.

    KAB - I read your story about little Katelyn and I too am so sorry. 18 weeks you're so near yet so far - it's bloody cruel! We girls are brainwashed to think we're home and hosed after 12 weeks. Next time I'm pg I wont relax the whole time until the bub is out and crying! I guess we'll always have to envy those people who just cruise through a pregnancy and everything turns out ok. That innocent worry-free thing has gone for us all.

    Angel - yes that's the hardest part to believe..the one day there you are smirking to yourself as you walk along cos you know about the little person inside you..then the next you wake up from the anaethestic crying cos you know that's been taken from you. I wasnt even pg as long as some of you ladies and I miss it so much.

    Thank you girls again - cant tell you how pleased I am I found you! Chat soon (sorry - this has gone on a bit like an Academy Award acceptance speech!!)...

    Pukeko

  10. #10

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    Hey Pukeko,

    Yeah, the EDDs are bloody hard to get through! Personally I found the days/weeks leading up to the day harder than the actual day itself IYKWIM. But in the meantime, give yourself lots of time to grieve and work through all of your emotions. Do whatever you need to, cry, scream, get angry, whatever. There's always someone here on BB if you need to have a vent or chat.

    It's awful losing your first baby especially. I don't think you ever lose that fear and anxiety in subsequent pregnancies. I know with my 2nd pg, at each scan I was scared that the OB would tell me that the baby was dead. The 12 week thing doesn't really mean much to me either. With our first we found out at 16w that our baby was dead, so I know that there can be bad news after the first tri. But there's always hope too. That's the amazing thing, there's always a tiny bit of hope, looking to the future, to the baby that you'll have in your arms one day.

    I don't think it matters how long you were pg. The love we have for our babies goes beyond anything and it's that love that counts. We were mothers from the very start

    All the best.

  11. #11

    Join Date
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    Hi Pukeko,

    I just had to strongly agree with Angel that we are mothers from the very instant that we know our babies are there. Sometimes even if we are just hoping that they are there IYKWIM.

    Im glad that you find support in this site. It really is truly amazing and helpful. I honestly dont know how i would be at the point i am without all these ladies.

    Just try not to be too hard on yourself. I know that it is easier said than done but i try to just let myself feel whatever i feel at that point. Whether it be sadness, angry, crying, smiling, laughing at something stupid on tele, heartbroken or love.

    Be kind to yourself and you partner this is a very rough time but you will get through it.

    Love Sarah

  12. #12

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    Hi Pukeko,

    Hope you are going ok today.

    I also have to agree that EDDís are hard. I have had this same discussion with some of the other girls. There are a lot of special days each year that we will have to go through without our babies. Days like Motherís and Fatherís Day, Christmas and birthdays. I know that I will be thinking of my daughter every single one of those days and will feel a little sadness and will be wishing that she was here. Hopefully with each year it will hurt a little less.

    I too was a believer in the magic of the 12 week mark. Once I had got past that point in my pregnancy I figured I was Ďsafeí and would be giving birth to a healthy baby in another 6 monthsí time. Obviously I was wrong as my daughter made it to 35.5w before I lost her. I was like you in that I was on the pill for years and then fell pregnant within a couple of cycles after coming off it. We werenít even officially TTC at the time I fell pregnant so when we discovered I was pregnant I guess we figured (incorrectly) that if we were so lucky to fall pregnant before we had even started trying, we would just continue to be lucky. At that point I was just blissfully ignorant. Until you actually lose a baby, you donít stop to think how many things actually have to go right to produce a healthy bub. I have said this before but it has certainly taught me to not take anything for granted anymore.

    I think it is only natural to want to be pregnant again NOW. Itís certainly not that the baby you have just lost is any less important or didnít matter to you. Itís just that as huge as the loss is, you havenít only lost a baby. You have also lost the Ďdreamí of your baby and your new life with him/her. When you find out you are pregnant you adjust your whole way of thinking. That little person becomes your world and all your thoughts adjust to how your life will be with a child in it. It is only natural to want that dream and that feeling back. I think being pregnant changes you as a person and when you lose your baby you canít go back to the person you used to be. Youíre sort of left in limbo Ė youíre no longer the person you used to be but you canít be the new person that you have become either because the precious little person who gave you that new identity is gone. This of course is only my humble opinion and I only base these ideas on the way I have been feeling.

    It sounds like you have a great DH - I loved what he said to you when you were sick that day. I hope you are really able to support each other through this difficult time. Having a classical musician in the house must be nice too! What does he play?

    I hope you are having a good day Pukeko. Chat again soon.

  13. #13

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    Hello Pukeko

    How are you doing today ??

    Hope that you are having a good (ish) day. I know some days seem harder than others.

    I am really not looking forward to my EDD the first is just after my birthday and the second is just after Kimberley's.

  14. #14
    Melinda Guest

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    Hey Pukeko,

    I'm glad that you are finding this site supportive in your time of need. I can't tell you how wonderful the girls are here....but you are beginning to find out for yourself so that's ok!

    EDD's are pretty hard times, as are all the other special occasions as it's a reminder that there is a little one who isn't with you at that time. I too found the days and weeks leading up to my EDD's quite hard and the day itself saw me feeling quite numb. It was a strange feeling, and honestly, even though I am PG now, I have never lost that sense that I should already have a little one with me IYKWIM.

    I've needed regular scans to reassure me during this PG and I continue to be a nervous wreck and I'm sure that when the time comes for you, your specialist will understand that you need this additional reassurance, and you shouldn't be scared to ask for it either.

    I hope you are doing ok today.....

  15. #15
    kirsty Guest

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    Dear Pukeko,
    Hope that you are feeling a bit better today. I still have good & bad days & expect to for some time yet, so please don't expect too much of yourself. Sometimes just "losing it" can be the best thing, I've often felt better after a good cry. I am not looking forward to what should have been Alex's EDD at all, it is my son's 2nd birthday 2 days before & my BIL the same day as Alex's EDD. But I guess I'll cope somehow (or maybe I won't - & that will be ok). How is your DH going?
    Do you have a good OB? I know that for me that is the most important thing for when we TTC again. The OB my GP sent me too with Alex's drama is just fantastic & has reassured us that he will do all he can with our next PG (inlcluding U/S's whenever I want one!).
    Anyway know that you are in my thoughts & are sending :hugs: your way

  16. #16
    pukeko Guest

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    Hi again girls

    Once again I'm speecless at the way I feel 'embraced' by all of you on this site. I have to say I actually originally joined another aussie-based baby chat forum..and although those ladies we're alswo wonderful and friendly, I never got the long, heartfelt responses I have got from all of you. And when I read your stories I almost feel I dont deserve the attention in comparison with what alot of you have gone through.

    I think I had a bit of a breakthrough tonight. I went to visit my friend and her new bub Chloe. Once again I totally forgot about me and was loving having a cuddle and feed etc. I had a moment when they took her upstairs to settle and she was crying her little lungs out. I had a moment of again realising the enormity of what I'd lost...no a tiny little baby...but more a tiny little baby that was destined to be a crying baby like the one they were fussing over. I welled up...but had got it together and could smile for then by the time they'd got back from the baby's room. The difference was, this time (and probably thanks to all of your advice and encouragement) actually LET myself have that little moment instead of quashing it away...and I felt alot more positive about getting to the stage of HAVING a baby...not thinking it will never happen or I'm too scared to try.

    Becc, you couldnt have explained that need to be pregnant again here and now any better and every word is totally how I feel too. Especially the part about being in limbo between the person you were, the person you'd become and being cruelly stuck somewhere in the middle. THAT is what I believe drives that need to get back there again. I was being made a fuss of by my immediate family because of being pregnant..and now I'm not exciting news anymore..that's hard too.

    No sign of AF yet and I'm sure wont be for some time. I'm kind of hoping it will happen on a week-long business trip I have in a couple of weeks..that way I'm not missing an essential ovulating window!! heh heh..

    Thank you wonderful girls again. I feel as though I've sat down and had a damn good coffee and chat with you all in person.

    ;-) Pukeko

  17. #17

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    Hi Pukeko,

    I know what you mean. From the moment I first posted here the girls have all made me feel welcome. I have found it such a relief to have an outlet like this.

    I think you did incredibly well while visiting your friends. It can be so hard to watch other people with their children knowing what you have lost. Good on you for letting yourself have a moment when things got a bit too much for you. I think it's good to let the pain and emotion out when you need to. I think if we bottle it all up and don't let it out when we need to it will eventually catch up with us somewhere along the track and come back to bite us in the butt! Obviously there will be times when you don't feel comfortable letting it out (I know it's something I prefer to do in private if possible) but I think that as long as you at least acknowledge those feelings you are off to a good start.

    I hope you are travelling ok. As everyone has said (and I'm sure you have realised this by now) there will be good days and bad days. I find that for every two steps I take forward I often take one back but as long as I'm still going forward I am happy

    Here's hoping that today has been one of the good days for you...

  18. #18
    meg Guest

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    HI Puteko,

    Sorry to hear of your loss. It can be such a devastating experience to go through. I too have found the woman here at BB truly amazing and I don't know how I would have managed without them. The days are really hard following a m/c, and having people to talk to who really know how you are feeling is really important. People try to understand, but they just can't- I know that I never would have understood before it happened to us. No matter where you are along the jounrey, you feel like you have lost a child, not just a little bean a few cms long.

    I hope that each day becomes easier for you and that you feel more and more confident about your journey to motherhood. Many of us have different stories to tell- I just think it is important to remember that many people do have really smooth pregnancy journeys, and your next once has every chance that it will be. Granted, it will never be the same experience as the first time, but please don't doubt that it can happen for you. I too, desperately want to be pregnant again, and to hold my healthy baby in my arms. It is so hard when you really want that, and that the journey to that time is not nearly as quick as many of would hope. I haven't taken many breaks from ttc- you have to work out what is right for you and fell when you are ready. I know that waiting until AF our last m/c was really important for me as it gave me a mental break from ttc, and allowed us to focus on grieving and healing- which we really needed to do. I still have good days and bad days, still am triggered off by the little things and still hurt from our experiences. I don't know if I will ever get over it, but I can accept it, deal with it and honour the memories we have. I think the best advice I was given by friends was to give myself permission to grieve, that is was OK and valid. I thought that I shouldn't be sad, and tried to be strong at first, but it will catch up with you at some point if you don't allow yourself to grieve your loss and acknowledge your feelings which are true and real. So give yourself the time and the space to be where you are at.

    I truly hope that your journey to motherhood becomes smoother from here, and each day gets easier for you. Hopefully in 2005 we will have beautiful babies in our arms!

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