We have been seperated for a week now but are still under the same roof, as I can't move out til Centrelink start making payments. To begin with the seperation was just because I needed to move back to our home town an hour away so I could be near my family and friends and so I could gain some independence and kinda find myself again. DH was happy with this arrangement as he just wanted to see me happy.
Well now things are getting more and more complicated. He wont help me get a car loan so that DS and I have transport. HE reckons he doesn't want any more debt, even though he chose to upgrade our family car to a luxury vehicle worth 20 grand against my will. So i tell him he can sell his luxury car and we can each buy a cheaper car. Oh no, he isn't gonna sell his dream car! So fine, now I am in a big huff, though Im trying not to let him see it, but I am now desperate to get out on my own and do things for myself without any help from HIM!
His work colleague rings and asks us over for after dinner xmas drinks. I really dont want to go as I am in a foul mood and have no interest in playing happy families, plus this couple are always really negative, and right now I only need positive in my life. So he says he'll just go by himself thats good. BUT work colleague rings back and asks us all to come for the afternoon dinner and drinks (they are extremely pushy!). i tell DH that I would really rather he take Archie out there and give me some alone time. He doesn't want to go by himself, so he offers to give me alone time tomorrow instead. I say no im in no mood to make small talk with them all afternoon. He turns to me and yells "geez you make things hard!" I snap back "WHAT am I making hard??" He huffs, puts DS into the car and leaves.
Thing is this is the first time we have ever yelled at each other, DS saw it and started hitting himself in the head, I never wanted him to experience this sort of home life!!!
All these years I have pussy footed around and given into DH all the time to keep the peace and let myself believe that we have such a perfect relationship we never argue. Well, now I have grown up and realised that this isn't a healthy way to have a relationship that is so one sided. This week is the first time in 7 years that I have realised what a negative selfish person my DH is, and I feel so awful thinking that about the man i really thought i would adore for the rest of my life!
He has huge issues from his childhood, which makes him a very defensive closed up guy, I have begged him to get counelling since DS was born but he refuses, he is too scared about what will come out.
I now know that if he doesn't get counselling there will be no future for us, and to be honest atm I really can't see a future for us and that scares the hell outta me cause my whole life is planned out with him, and the life we planned was a great one! Not if om not happy though i guess.
1 good thing that could come out of us divorcing is that i might one day find a partner and be able to have another bub, DH refuses to have any more
thanks for reading if you got this far, i really truly need lots of support from you wonderful girls x
Oh hunny I hope you're ok! It's funny (not really) but you, me and Emma seem to be in very similar situations. You are doing the right thing in not giving in to him anymore but you have to expect some arguments to come from it. He has been used to things happening a certain way for a long time and now you're changing the rules and he's going to be put out by that. I'm not saying it's not a good thing what you're oding but in a way you have been facilitating his selfishness for 7 years and he's not going to be happy withh you changing that.
Don't feel awful about the man DH is because people can change but they have to be willing to try. Maybe once you have left and he realises what he is missing then he will go to councelling? I hope so, if you both want to get back together and I think from your other posts you do.
It seems to me that you both really need some time and space away from each other to reassess (sp?) what it is you both want.
*lulu lies widdles on the couch, puts on her glasses and assumes a psychologist look....
Hmm, one thing that popped into my head straight away is this. So once upon a time you actually did have an opinion in this relationship right? Then it started to disappear? Ok, so tell me *adjusts glasses, what kind of behaviour did Dp display that made you change your behaviour, and start pussy footing around him?
Umm Hmmm? So my bet is that he sulked or gave you the silent treatment, but anyhoo whatever he did made it not worth you to pursuing your view and it just got easier to let it be, right?
SO - expect to see that behaviour and lots of it. Expect it to escalate. He might even tell you that he is going for custody and you are a crap mother. That comes straight from the "Boys Manual in Breaking Up" - 90% of them say that.
My diagnosis - you are about to shed ALOT of weight in the next few days - about 90kilos of bloke. This is natural and the beginning of a great new time for you.
My prescription - plenty of lovin from us here, and remember the golden rule of dealing with Dheads - imagine a penis protuding from his forehead and dangling in his eyes...
*lulu adjusts her glasses and pulls the wedgie out of her bum...
Sound so tricky. Can you go to counselling by yourself? Perhaps if you go for awhile, then you might be able to ask him to go...
I really think the two of you need to sit down, if you haven't already, and figure out - is this worth saving? Because I think anything can be saved, but if you decide together to save it, then you commit to work hard together to save it. I really hope things work out for your best.
combat queen - it is funny that we all seem to be in the same situation atm, it is good that we have each other too. I totally know that I have been facilitating his selfishness for 7 years, thats what makes it so hard for me to feel angry at him without feeling guilty about it and making excuses for him all the time. thankyou for your post, it has helped me definately
Oh Lulu, you have made me cry, but from laughter!! thankyou so much I haven't giggled like that for a little while. You are an awesome psychologist you know, you said some things that I hadn;t even considered, like when was the time I started pussy footing around. You know, I think I have found that time. 18 months into our relationship we had an unplanned pregnancy which resulted in an early m/c. I was very traumatised by the miscarriage, as i have always dreamt of being a mother, and my reaction to losing this unplanned baby was to want to get pregnant again straight away. I was only 19 and we certainly weren't ready for a bub, but my hormones took over. he was extremely upset about losing the baby too and told me we could try for another. A week later he tells me he is not ready for a baby and that he only told me we could have another one to keep me happy. I remember yelling at him how could he do this to me, blah blah blah, then in the end he used this tone of voice which is *****y and condescending and I felt stupid and immature and i shut up. Im thinking this would be the time I started 'facilitating his selfishness' (even though he was right in not wanting another baby at that time). I didn't want him to talk to me like that so I just would agree with everything and get over it.
God I am terrified of him trying to get even 50% custody let alone 100%. im sure he never get 100%, to start with i have done 99% of the childcare and parenting by myself anyway, plus I dont think a small child would be conducive to his way of life. I imagine that once DS is a few years older DH will want him 3 nights a week, and i guess I really would have to let that happen for DS sake as well, its only fair. Anyway......stop thinking to far ahead Elissa!!!!! Thankyou for warning me that he might try and scare me with this though at least I can kinda prepare myself for it. Goodness me I didn't even realised he owned a copy of the "'Boys manual in breaking up"!
Love the diagnosis, and Im gonna lose about 140 kilos of man, even better! Hopefully I can lose about 20 kilos of woman too LOL
your Prescription in just genius! Only thing is, his penis isn't long enough to hang into his eyes ROFL!
nelle - thanks for the hug, i needed that. I agree that we both need counselling in order to save this relationship, I am going back to counselling in a couple of weeks when I move back to my home town. I doubt he will go though, but I will be letting him ,know that him going to counselling is the only chance of saving us.
Hope you got that wedgie sorted out.
I am feeling a bit relieved that im not the first woman in the world to have to feel these feelings and be in this situation
hmm we are in similar situations.... my feelings are on hold at the moment at request of my partner, to 'just get through christmas and the holiday season'... its very hard having feelings on hold especially when i feel i have come to a conclusion.... makes this a very awkward time of going along with things, it feels so false.. especially when people say 'oh you must be excited about your holiday'.... etc... i sorta think no not really i'm completely preoccupied...
my partner also has serious issues from childhood and is completely against counselling, i think he had an ordinary/bad experience and now has written the idea off for good.
i keep telling myself that millions of people break up all the time and its not the end of the world, in fact its almost the norm.... i keep telling myself that its not the end of the world....
i'm not sure how the hell we are going to negotiate finances though... i'm not sure what i'm entitled to... we recently had a mammoth once in a lifetime financial windfall that most only dream about and here i am about to walk away from it...
sorry i have just wrambled about myself.... completely self absorbed and preoccupied at the moment...
don't you just wish you could fast forward to 12 months down the track when all the hard icky bits are done and you are semi settled in a new life??
Just wanted to say, Lulu's advice works wonders. Had a visit from the ex and all i could think about was the penis dangling from his forehead. And the logistics of him and his entire family having to all live with that "condition". It certainly helped me keep a dumb smile on my face just so i wouldn't have an outburst and make the visit into some kind of world war..
I hope things start getting better for you soon. Sounds like some time with just you & DS is just what you need. *HUG*
emma - gosh we are so very similar, its spooky... you are legally entitled to half of everything adn that will incluse your recent financial windfall, you could even get half of his super if you wanted to. I feel all of the same feelings as you and i too wish i could fast forward 12 months to when things have settled down. I have to put on a happy face for the family xmas too, gonna be a bit tough.
I can totally understand you wanting to take a breather - I wanted to do the same thing earlier this year but something I read really stuck in my mind and that is that couples who have a trial separation rarely reconcile. I'm quite 'lucky' (though didn't feel lucky at the time, believe you me) that DP wouldn't consider it not for a minute.
I think having been through my share of relationship dramas this year sometimes you have to hit absolutely rock bottom before you can start working things out together.
I think when things got tricky between DP and I, it would have been a huge relief to separate. Things would have been so much easier on my own. No fights, I could do what I wanted. I'm not sure we would have got back together to be honest.
Even when we started going to counselling (and it took me MONTHS to get DP there and I basically had to give him an ultimatum), things didn't get better for a long time.
From the sounds of things, it sounds like you guys, like us, have problems resolving conflict. My way of dealing with this initially, like yours, was to pretend it didn't exist. If I raised anything DP would accuse me of picking an argument and because DSD had just moved in with us, I would say nothing for fear of us rowing in front of her. When she moved out, it was like there was nothing to hold me back any more and I just kept going when he accused me of picking arguments because I wasn't picking arguments, I was always trying to talk to him about something that he didn't want to discuss. That's when things started getting really unpleasant.
But we made it through by working it out together (with the help of counselling). But it has taken a huge amount of effort on both sides and it's still a work in progress but things are looking so much brighter.
I've got not doubt that you feeling a little more independent will be good for your relationship but if the underlying problem is how you resolve conflict then I think you need to work on that together. There is always, always, always going to be some conflict in a relationship. Right now, it seems to be about money/independence but in five years time it could be about something else so you need to have the confidence that you can resolve things together and I think the only way of doing that is to practice together. I'm not sure that you living separately will allow you to practice that.
Look, I guess what I'm saying is that good people like my DP can behave like complete arses and when we tell our friends what arses they can be, they understandably tell us that we should tell them where to stick it. But it really depends on whether you think that he is infact a dyed-in-the-arse-arse or just a temporary arse.
I hope that I haven't offended you in any way. I have ummed and ahhhed for about three hours about posting but decided to bite the bullet!
oh fiona i can't believe you spent so much time wondering whether or not to post! of course you should post your opinion, that is why i am on here. I can totally understand what you are saying about living seperately and not wanting to get back together, but also i know that I can't stay here, we are living away from all my family and friends and i am miserable, i know that i need to be back with my family and friends, thats whats important to me right now, I am totally sure now that moving out is the best thing for me, and I believe that if DH does decide to get help and try and fix our relationship he wont do it without something drastic like me moving out and giving him an ultimatum. Dh isn't a bad person, but he is a very hard person to get along with if he doesn't get his own way. I feel like im suffocating here, i desperatley need to get out and fix me, I can't do that here with DH unfortunately.
thanks again for your post and for your care and support. It is great that you and DH have worked so hard and seem to be improving your relationship, you obviously love and respect each other a lot
Thanks widdly! I will stop biting my fingernails now.
I'm glad that you've come to a decision that you're at peace with and hope that you and DH can resolve things ... and if not, that you'll both know that you've tried your hardest.
I wish there was a magic pill that would get blokes to go to counselling - they all seem to have to be dragged along kicking and screaming and believe that the counsellor will take 'the woman's side."
You're a dork Fi. That was a very very worthy post, and I agree too.
My xh was suffocating me too..but in a different way. All he wanted to do was hassle me about our problems. He just didn't agree that I was rightfully upset about a few things, he acknowledged we were unhappy but "look at the great life we have" and "but I love yew" over and over.
I had done EVERYTHING I could think of to smooth our problems, he rejected them all. For a girl like me that has no issue with packing up and leaving if need be, I really really stuck it out and when I could do it no longer I left. He went on and on and on about how I was wrong and it was a terrible thing to do to leave...but refused to acknowledge there was any problem. It was stupefying.
I needed some space to clearly think about what I was going to do, but he would not let me. That's why I had to go, he totally suffocated me whilst ignoring my pleas to give me a reason to stay.
WE did get to councelling and I still wonder about it today. I think maybe the chick was accepting of my decision to leave too quickly. I was hurting terribly at the time and I think I could have used a different perspective. HOWEVER - I was following my gut to leave and it was definitely the right thing to do. I have moments of regret as we really are great friends again, but its regret that he couldn't pull his head out of his bum in time to save it. Also, it did take him 3 years to get to the point that he understands now and is kicking himself, (so I rather enjoy that) and the catalyst was me leaving (and a couple of crap attempts at relationships on his behalf).
I think its always best to go with your gut, but as long as your head is clear enough to listen to it. Maybe a week or two away with your family will help?
ETA - I think the magic pill may be more men councellors around, then they can't think she will take the womans side...
thanks girls. I have definately taken your advice on board. i am defiantely following my gut, quite literally. I am medicatd for anxiety, when I get anxious I get irritable bowel syndrome which sees me sitting on the toilet crying in pain for hours at a time. Usually the slightest bit of emmotion will set me off, but all during this weird time in my relationship I have not had IBS at all, I feel so calm and happy about my decision to leave. I think my body is confirming that i am making the rght decision.
things are getting complicated
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Sound so tricky. Can you go to counselling by yourself? Perhaps if you go for awhile, then you might be able to ask him to go...
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