victim of domestic violence

[widdly]

WOW!

Last week DH and I had relationship counselling which was great for us. Today I had my own session with the same counsellor. After a lot of talking with her, I cam e to discover that I am a victim of domestic violence! In the past my sister has said that she tinks DH is an emotional abuser but I dismissed her.

DH abuses me emotionally and financially, just like my Dad did to my Mum. I now know that we follow an abusive cycle constantly.

Of course when I came home and enlightened DH to all of this he got extremely definsive and ended up storming out, not before reminding me that he loves me (emotional abuse right there!).

I went to see my sisters and talk things through with them and they were so amazingly supportive. Then DH rings me and tells me he has organised for a budget company to take his pay each fortnighta nd pay all his bills, pay me CS, save money and give him spending money. That is HUGE for him to do that. That is gonna take so much stress of us. He can no longer financially abuse me at least.

DH doesnt understand or believe that he emotionally abuses me, he turns everything into my fault/my responsibility.

I also came to the realisation that I dont and never did have PND!!! That is so important to me. My depression and anxiety came from DH's partyinga dn drinking ways while DS was a baby/toddler, it didnt come from me not bonding with my DS or anything, DS and I have never had a problem, the problems have been with DH and me. When I tell DH his drinking attributed to my depressiona dn anxiety he retorts that my PND caused his drinking problems....and cue emotional abuse.

How do I get him to wake up and realise and acknowledge that he is emotionally abusing me and always has? I have told him that he needs to get his own counselling otherwise he will never be able to have a uccessful relationship with me or anyone else. He has said he will, but I refuse to take his word for anything these days, I only trust his actions not his words.

So, wow, a big day of realistations for me

[~Trish~]

Wow, definitely a big day for you . It's amazing how freeing it is when you realise that it isn't all your fault. Emotional abuse is terrible and much more subtle than physical abuse.

I don't know if there is any way you can convince your DH that he is emotionally abusive. He might need to come to that in his own time? The best thing you can do is remember that everything is not your fault. By doing this you are taking away his power over you. You stop believing what he is saying and therefore stop letting it get to you. I think once he realises it is no longer working, he will most likely stop doing it.

I am no expert, just speaking from personal experience .

I hope today becomes a huge turning point for you .

[MamaPan]

much love to you. xxx

[~Kim~]

You had to know I would be in here cheering for you.

In answer to your questions though TBH I reckon it's like giving up smoking or losing weight (only way more serious) - they have to acknowledge it and want (genuinely) to change.

However - the whole money thing might just be an indicator that it is dawning on him. No-one wants to think that they are the perpetrator of DV - what an horrendous tag. It will take lots of digesting and mulling over on his part.

I am proud of you though. That is a whole lot of big things to deal with in your head.

[krysalyss]

Hi Widdly, You are so so brave. I can't even imagine being in your position and the way you have handled everything is amazing. What an assertive, brave and respectful person you are.
It is a hard road that you have travelled and I wish I had some advice for you. I only hope that your DH comes to his own realisation about his behaviour and the effect it has not only on you right now but on your DS and the lessons he will learn about relationships. Big hugs to you. Will be thinking of you.

[Boo Boo]

Widdly, will he go back and see that counseller and have an individual debrief with them just like you did, for some strange reason, some men need to be told by an independent when they are in the wrong, just won't accept what we say...

[ElleJay]

No advice here, just huge hugs

[Winter]

Oh my goodness Gorgeous Widdly, you sound so free in your post. What a weight that has been lifted off your shoulders. You sound lighter, relieved, stronger in this post. What a big day of realisations, but wow! The way you are handling it and the effect it is having on you & your self esteem is joyful to read.

I really hope that your DH goes to the counsellor & works through his issues. I'm very glad that he has taken the first step of managing his money & making sure you are covered. That's a good sign.

Anyway, lots of these , a big round of this and as always on BB one of these for good measure.

[Smoke Jaguar]

Fantastic! You are doing you both a favour and you are conducting yourself so graciously Definitely shaping up like a successful intervention, so best wishes for this process

[widdly]

WOW thankyou so much everyone for your support, well wishes and advice

Trish - yeah, I need to work hard not to let him abuse me anymore, I realise it will be easier said than done, but going to the counsellor weekly will help guide me.

Kim - interesting you say its like losing weight and giving up smoking, both things DH has tried and failed at countless times over the years....hope thats not a sign...

krysalyss - i hada panicky thought this arvo that DS is learning about relationships by watching the abusive way his parents have been interacting, scarey stuff, thank goodness this realisation has hit me beofre its too late.

BooBoo - I have told him for this to work he needs to see the counsellor and have her explain all of this to him in a way that he can understand otherwise he can never fix his abusive ways. He agreed to that seeing the counsellor was a good idea but he wasnt very enthusiastic about it.

thanks again guys, now I need to go and research emotional abuse and understand it more so I can ensure I break the cycle

[Glamourcide]

Best of luck to you, sweetie. You are an amazing lady to have stayed strong and not let this break you down. You sound so much more free in your first post, so much more positive, optimistic, and looking forward to what the future has in store for you
I wish you all the best on your journey from here - today has obviously been a major turning point for you and I hope your DH takes your hand and walks with you on that path, and seeks help of his own in order to make the road a much smoother one for the both of you. Looks like he's taking steps already, I really do hope that this is a wake-up call to him as well and that once he absorbs it, he turns into a whole new man - the DH and daddy you and your LO deserve!
xo

[widdly]

donna thankyou so much hun, you are very sweet x

[smiles4u]

... hey Elissa wish i could give you more then this simple post but just wanted to pop in and at least you give you a big hug, so here it is

(can't believe our bubba's are going to be 4 soon ... they themselves have helped us to open our eyes to see what we didn't see before !!)

[megs]

Widdly I just wanted to write and say Congratulations, it does sound like you have had a weight removed from your shoulders.

I speak as a victim of emotional abuse from a very controlling father, funny the baggage you carry with you. I have only just come to the relisation that I think I need to see someone about it as I think it effects my behaviour in my marriage. I tend not to stand up for myself enough I think their is a subconcious fear of what might happen (even though DH is lovely...most of the time).

I hope you DH keeps taking small steps to acknowledge his behavious and to hopefully change. Did your DH grow up in a environment where he was a victim of emotional abuse?

[widdly]

Lorelle - thankyou sweet woman x Big 4 year olds! I have been researching how to build a dinosaur cake...he couldnt want somwthing simople could he?!

Megs - thanks for sharing My father is an emotional abuser too so I have a long history of it which is probably why I fell into the same trap in my marriage I definately think DH could be the victim of emotional abuse, his mother is not part of his lofe anymore cause she is just strange and selfish and his fathers side of the family are Italian, they pride themselves in emotional abuse! Good for you for acknowledging that counselling may benefit you.

I am about to go and learn more about emotional abuse, arm myself with knowledge.

I find myself feeling disconnected from DH since these big realisations. Like, he will want to touch or kiss me and I cringe a bit, or he says he loves me and I dont want to say it back. I feel like he is my friend but I cant treat him as my husband atm? Anyway this is all stuff I will chat to the cousnellor about next Wednesday

[Jennifer13]

Hi widdly, have you thought about joining the Family/Relationship Crisis Support Group on BB? You might find it helpful to share your story with others who've been through similar issues.

[Amity]

Hugs honey.

How do I get him to wake up and realise and acknowledge that he is emotionally abusing me and always has? I have told him that he needs to get his own counselling otherwise he will never be able to have a uccessful relationship with me or anyone else.

This is HIS problem. You cannot be responsible for HIS problems or how he reacts to anything.

It is not your issue - he is the only person who can recognise HIS issue and decide whether he wants to change.

Good luck honey!

[widdly]

MY G O D.

I just asked DH the question "DO you think you were emotionally abusing by your parents?"

Well he has just spewed all of this stuff out about his abusive childhood that I had no idea about! He was beaten regularly by his step father as well as verbally abused. He went to police for help and they laughed and took him back home to his abuser. Just all this awful stuff, had me in tears.

Now I feel that I may never got that love for him back again, I just feel that I havent really known him til now, I married a man I really didnt know anything about! He told me he is scared that he has already lost me and its too late to make things better between us, and to be honest that is how I feel too

I told him that the only way he can ever have a healthy relationship with anyone is if he gets some serious long term counselling and works through all of his issues from his abusive childhood. He is extremely hesitant to get counselling cause he doesnt want to bring it all up again and feel scared and alone. He said he will get counelling for my sake. I told him not to bother for my sake, but to do it for himself and our DS. I truly doubt he will ever be brave enough to work through these awful issues and eventually come out the other side happier and healthier.

I told him that its a very real possibility that its too late for me, that he isnt the person I thought I married and loved and its not his fault, he didnt do anything wrong, our marriage was meant to happen to teach us about life and ourselves.

gee whiz, I have heard women say that everyone needs a first marriage to practise for the real thing, now I am feeling like that is a very true statement.