victim of domestic violence

[smiles4u]

... hey Elissa wish i could give you more then this simple post but just wanted to pop in and at least you give you a big hug, so here it is

(can't believe our bubba's are going to be 4 soon ... they themselves have helped us to open our eyes to see what we didn't see before !!)

[megs]

Widdly I just wanted to write and say Congratulations, it does sound like you have had a weight removed from your shoulders.

I speak as a victim of emotional abuse from a very controlling father, funny the baggage you carry with you. I have only just come to the relisation that I think I need to see someone about it as I think it effects my behaviour in my marriage. I tend not to stand up for myself enough I think their is a subconcious fear of what might happen (even though DH is lovely...most of the time).

I hope you DH keeps taking small steps to acknowledge his behavious and to hopefully change. Did your DH grow up in a environment where he was a victim of emotional abuse?

[widdly]

Lorelle - thankyou sweet woman x Big 4 year olds! I have been researching how to build a dinosaur cake...he couldnt want somwthing simople could he?!

Megs - thanks for sharing My father is an emotional abuser too so I have a long history of it which is probably why I fell into the same trap in my marriage I definately think DH could be the victim of emotional abuse, his mother is not part of his lofe anymore cause she is just strange and selfish and his fathers side of the family are Italian, they pride themselves in emotional abuse! Good for you for acknowledging that counselling may benefit you.

I am about to go and learn more about emotional abuse, arm myself with knowledge.

I find myself feeling disconnected from DH since these big realisations. Like, he will want to touch or kiss me and I cringe a bit, or he says he loves me and I dont want to say it back. I feel like he is my friend but I cant treat him as my husband atm? Anyway this is all stuff I will chat to the cousnellor about next Wednesday

[Jennifer13]

Hi widdly, have you thought about joining the Family/Relationship Crisis Support Group on BB? You might find it helpful to share your story with others who've been through similar issues.

[Amity]

Hugs honey.

How do I get him to wake up and realise and acknowledge that he is emotionally abusing me and always has? I have told him that he needs to get his own counselling otherwise he will never be able to have a uccessful relationship with me or anyone else.

This is HIS problem. You cannot be responsible for HIS problems or how he reacts to anything.

It is not your issue - he is the only person who can recognise HIS issue and decide whether he wants to change.

Good luck honey!

[widdly]

MY G O D.

I just asked DH the question "DO you think you were emotionally abusing by your parents?"

Well he has just spewed all of this stuff out about his abusive childhood that I had no idea about! He was beaten regularly by his step father as well as verbally abused. He went to police for help and they laughed and took him back home to his abuser. Just all this awful stuff, had me in tears.

Now I feel that I may never got that love for him back again, I just feel that I havent really known him til now, I married a man I really didnt know anything about! He told me he is scared that he has already lost me and its too late to make things better between us, and to be honest that is how I feel too

I told him that the only way he can ever have a healthy relationship with anyone is if he gets some serious long term counselling and works through all of his issues from his abusive childhood. He is extremely hesitant to get counselling cause he doesnt want to bring it all up again and feel scared and alone. He said he will get counelling for my sake. I told him not to bother for my sake, but to do it for himself and our DS. I truly doubt he will ever be brave enough to work through these awful issues and eventually come out the other side happier and healthier.

I told him that its a very real possibility that its too late for me, that he isnt the person I thought I married and loved and its not his fault, he didnt do anything wrong, our marriage was meant to happen to teach us about life and ourselves.

gee whiz, I have heard women say that everyone needs a first marriage to practise for the real thing, now I am feeling like that is a very true statement.

[widdly]

jennifer - I will try and join, however I tried to join the single parents private support group a couple of weeks ago and have not been allowed to join yet for some reason?

divvy - thanks that is great advice. I need to free myself of responsibility for him.

He has just researched child abuse counselling ont he net and expressed his digust at needing 2 years to work through child abuse issues. I have said my peice now and tried to let him =know that I am freeing myself of his issues and just working on myself. I have told him he needs to change by himself.

[megs]

Wow Widdly, that is quite huge. How has he managed to bottle all that up for this long in his life.

But you were right in telling him he needs to see someone for him, he can't be doing it for you or your son, it has to be because he wants to fix it.

You have me doing research on emotional abuse now, funny but I fit most of the categories just couldn't really see it until now.

Stay strong.

[widdly]

Its amazing how obvious it seems once you read all the signs of emotinal abuse.

I have no idea how he could suppress all of that for so long either, no wonder he is so screwed up, poor man.

[Smoke Jaguar]

This is great progress. It's up to him now - does he go get help or use the abuse as an excuse to just keep doing what he's doing? Hmmm, that is the question. As for being afraid of being scared and alone if he sees a counsellor, this makes no sense; he WILL be alone and scared if he DOESN'T get help because you're not going to stick around if he doesn't get help! His fear is not rational, he cannot be hurt by what has already hurt him and he can take the power of those memories away by sharing them with someone who can help him put them in their place.
That's for him to find out. Not you. You don't wear this, you have your own baggage and it's not fair to ask you to carry someone else's baggage as well as your own.
I hope someone sees your email to join the Family Crisis forum soon

[smiles4u]

Lorelle - thankyou sweet woman x Big 4 year olds! I have been researching how to build a dinosaur cake...he couldn't want something simple could he?!

(... harr harr same headache here DD wants Dora, ... admitted finally to myself i could never do Dora so i happen to google Dora cake photo's and BINGO saw a pic of someone's Dora cake that is two round cakes as islands with a Dora bath toy that has a bridge over the two cakes ... so yep DD has that same bath toy & YES i dragged it out of the bath & gave it a good scrub ... thank god for bath toys i now say ... Have you tried googling Dinosaur cake photo ?? (you prob have yeh )

[widdly]

lorelle - thats a great Dora cake idea!! Thank goodness for Google Yeah I looked up a heap of dinosaur cake pics and have a plan in place. I will bake 2 round cakes. Cut one cake in half and stand the 2 halves up against each other flat side down, this will be the body. With the other cake I will cut a cresent which will be the tail, then I will fashion a neck and head out of the rest of the cake. THe legs will be cupcakes cut in half. I have been told by Archie tonight that it will be a blue dinosaur with blue spots, his wish shall be my command!

Mayaness - your post was full of wisdom, thankyou, it made so much sense to me. I read a part of it out to DH (about how hw will end up alone without me if he doesnt get help), his response, "thats all well and good, but since I talked about that stuff today I have felt like absolute crap" In other words, he does not intend on seeinga counsellor.

Stuff him! His loss, and in all honesty, probably my gain

I just feel so silly for giving DS a father who is ot a fantastic role model

Oh, listen to me blaming myself again, the cycle continues, at least I can see it now I guess.

BTW, I realised today that i have access to the private single forum.

[Oorki Galoorki]

hey widdly check out a book called "why does he do that" by Lundy bancroft(our library doesnt have it but they will get it in)
Dont forget your not the only one going through this, MANY people are in non violent abusing relationships. You now need to make you stronger, love yourself, build boundaries(helpful in all relationships not just to those your married to), become the person you want to be. It will take years it will be damn hard at lots of times but you have the best reason to do it! for archie and for YOU!

[smiles4u]

Dont forget your not the only one going through this, MANY people are in non violent abusing relationships. You now need to make you stronger, love yourself, build boundaries(helpful in all relationships not just to those your married to), become the person you want to be. It will take years it will be damn hard at lots of times but you have the best reason to do it! for archie and for YOU!

.................. so incredibly beautifully said and shot straight to the heart of the matter

Lovely lady take huge note of what your local gal has said it sums up a great, great deal ... take SUPER care our Widdly