Well, for those of us who are not really looking forward to xmas, it's almost over....I know it's a really sad time for most of us...
Jo, I hope you're getting plenty of 'good' rest in hospital, and I hope you can go home soon. Like Helen said, you're at the best possible place ATM. Good luck hun ! And thanx for your good wishes in 2009
Sue, it's a girl ! congratulations hun, I hope all goes well.
Diana, sending you huge huge hugs, I know how disappointed your are hun But don't worry, our time will come soon...I can feel it in my 'waters'....
Hi Theresa, Helen, Rozzie and Hammi, wherever you are I'm sending you all big hugs XXX ( hope I didn't forget anyone...)
PS Laney, I hope you had a lovely birthday !
Once again ( in case I don't post again before xmas ) I wish all you lovely ladies TTC massive amounts of and for those carrying little bubs all the very best in your pregnancies ! Merry Christmas to all, let's hope 2009 brings us lovely surprises and is a happy, healthy and safe year for us all
I never realised just how hard Christmas would be!!!! It was supposed to be so different! I almost feel like I just can't do this. I want to go to sleep and never wake up - it is just too painful. I miss my little boy so much and I don't know how to cope with him not being here. I thought I was being so strong and doing so well - but I am not.
Sorry for the ranting but I know you will understand and not judge me.
I remember xmas last year for me and it SUCKED. It took me by surprise as I hadn't really known what to expect and then when it hit me it was horrible. I felt so separate to everything that was going on and to all of my family as everyone sat around the xmas food having lunch. You are not alone in feeling how you do.
I also found NY eve incredibly tough last year - not sure if others did. Although it was good to farewell the worst year of my life it was also hard to say goodbye as it had also been the best year of my life where I was blessed with my boy and I wouldn't have changed that for anything, despite how it turned out. Not sure if that makes sense.
I hope everyone else had as good a xmas as they could have xx
Theresa, I'm so sorry you feel such pain. My heart is just breaking for you. I wish I could make you feel better . Just know that I'm thinking of you and your angel Zachary, and I'm sending you lots of strength in this difficult and hard time. I'm sending you big, big hugs darl .
I found myself thinking a lot about Joshua over Christmas, wondering if he'd feel happy inside my belly, celebrating Christams with me, had he still been here....they say bubs are in tune with your emotions when you're pregnant...
Just wanted to send everyone my love and thoughts. Christmas is a difficult time when you lose your little ones.
I will not be posting anywhere under the Loss section in 2009 (my NYR) so wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone all the very best in TTC and send my deepest heart felt wishes that all your baby dreams come true.
Beata - Hun I wish you all the love and hugs in the world hope we can be buddies in the same due date group
To all my wonderful BB friends, hello and big hugs.
I wasn't able to log on the past few days as DH left his laptop at work Xmas Eve so I made him go and get it today because a few days without a dose of you all it just way way too much.
I am guessing all of you have a very emotional Xmas day so not even going to bother asking how it went. I cried and cried all day long and was very upset that noone bothered to ask me why - I know that they know why I was sad but nobody even thought to acknowledge my sadness or mention Sebastian, they just ignored me! I am so upset and cranky.
Xmas this year was just horrid and I am so glad it is over. Now we just have to get thru NYE and hope for a more positive year ahead for us all.
Jo! I wasn't able to spy on you the past few days but was thinking of you so much. How are you? Oh how I am praying your cervix is staying nice and long and strong. Are you still in hospital? Tell me everything!
Nae, I so wish and hope for us to be in the 'same due date ' group !!!!! That would be just so fantastic, fingers crossed hun Huge hugs coming your way !
Diana, I'm so sorry hun that you had a crappy day . No one really asked me about how I was going on xmas day apart from my DF's SIL, which was a total sorprise as I don't really get along with her LOL. Maybe it was because she'd had some wine and was feeling fearless ???!!
Hammi, I have such mixed feelings about 2008. On one hand, it was such an exciting year for me, mentally preparing myself for IVF, then getting pregnant on the first cycle, anticipating all these weird and wonderful things to happen to my body, only for it all to be cut so short in October. So it's been a magical and such a sad year for me all in one, it's a very bittersweet feeling. I can't wait until 2009 begins, but then I feel like I'm saying goodbye to the year my first and only baby was born...don't know, I have mixed feelings...
Beata70 - thank you. I am better today but it has been hell!!! I just kept thinking about how we should have been celebrating with Zachary (he would have been 5 months old). I just can't believe he is not here. Sending you big back
dd0207 - I had moments of tears too and as soon as I did, everyone left the room! I just wanted some comfort but I just don't think anyone knew how to deal with it. I am sending you the biggest
AngelLukesMum - thank you. I am finding it hard to sat goodbye too. being pg with Zachary was the best thing that has ever happened to me and I loved being pg. Then it was all taken away 2 weeks before we thought we would be having our little boy.... I am so sad and hurt and angry - still.
I do hope that 2009 is a better year for all of us. We certainly deserve some happiness.
Ladies, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. MY DH and I had an awful Christmas. Much worse than last year. It took me a long time to decide but I went home to visit my family over Christmas. My brother and SIL were going to have their one month old home over Christmas so I knew how emotional it was going to be for me. It was a 6 hour drive in blowing snow. When we got there my DH was taking our bags up to the extra room at my parents house and my mom told him to take everything into the office instead. She said that my brother and SIL decided to stay with my parents at the last minute. I was so upset. I might have been ready to meet their little girl but I was not ready to spend 3 days in the next room. I should have had my little boy with us last year and I should have had my 4 month old little girl this year. I cried about it all night and in the morning I asked my sister if I could stay with her. She told me that I could not stay with them and to stop acting like a spoiled brat. She also said that I will lose the rest of my family (not just my babies) if I don't stop avoiding people! I couldn't even respond to her I have never been so hurt. I was so mad at everyone, myself, my mom for not telling me about my brother and sil, and my sister for never being there for me when I needed her. My DH and I went home that afternoon on Christmas Eve. I spent all day on Christmas crying and I am still not recovered from my family not even trying to understand what I am going through. I am not too sure how the family is ever going to recover from this Christmas. Everyone left with hurt feelings.
Last edited by Laney; December 28th, 2008 at 06:17 AM.
Though I have had 3 miscarriages, all of mine have been before the 12 weeks and though I felt it at Christmas, probably not as much as you girls who have had later losses. My heart goes out to all of you.
Well we are nearly at the end of 2008 and even though I had a successful year, I am so looking forward to 2009 and getting to meet my little girl in May (I wish it was May already). I still have all my worries and hoping she is growing normally and that I will get to meet her. But I have been feeling her move a lot more (especially at night!!!), so that is a lot more reassuring.
People keep on saying to me "wait until she gets bigger and you have feet under your ribs etc etc" and I say "you know what, just that she comes out healthy and successfully, I don't care what I have to put up with".
My DH and I did the BD for the first time yesterday, I was so scared of bleeding etc, but all was good. My DH has been so patient and I must admit, I probably have the best husband in the world!!!.
Girls, I really wish you all the best for 2009 and hoping we have a lot of success in our group. I look forward to celebrating all with you.
I've been lurking around during the holidays but haven't responded as we've been up with DH's family and I didn't want to spend too much time at the computer. I've been reflecting on all of the pain you guys are feeling now during the holidays. I feel very lucky in comparison that the holidays are not making anything better or worse for me, as even when pregnant with Beiron I was so focused on the pregnancy and its complications that I never got around to picturing what would come afterwards; and since I'm lucky enough to be confidently pregnant again now I am not suffering the kind of grief that many of you are because of Christmas. My ghosts lie in other areas. However, everything you are all feeling is so perfectly understandable, and I feel deeply for every one of you.
And I really am shocked by Laney's story. I shared it immediately with my DH who is sitting here at his computer next to me, and he just can't believe his ears. I'm so, so sorry that your sister had the incredibly poor judgment to say those things to you. I don't know if she's usually like that or if this was a freak occurrence, but either way I'm crying and angry on your behalf. I have experience with being constantly hurt by a person who is "supposed" to support me and love me (in my case, my mom), so I've had to really step back and deprogram and learn that her opinion does not matter. I'm so sorry that you have to be in this tense family situation.
I'm so sad for what you guys are going through, but I'm just trying to close my eyes and imagine future Christmases where you will all be able to be happier and more at peace. I know there's a lot of **** between now and then, but it will be worth it.
Theresa, you're always in my thoughts, I'm sending you massive cyber hugs
Laney, I'm so sorry for what should have been a festive family gathering ( although hard for you, I can imagine with your brother's baby there ) over the Christmas holidays. What a sad way to spend Christams day, I'm sorry hun. I think sometimes some family members ( especially my mum in my case ) expect us to be 'over' our losses too soon, and that really hurts. My mum and I said some hurtful things to each other over the last couple of months, and although I know she still thinks the way she did at the begining, we have agreed to disagree and I told her once again 'you haven't lost a baby, I have, so I don't expect you to understand'. We are better now, but sadly we don't talk about Joshua as often now, and that hurts.
Sometimes we can't count on our families to know what to do, or say what we would like them to say, but I put it down to them not being in our shoes and therefore not understaning what we're going through. We are the ones that have lost our precious angels, our dreams. Sending you big hugs hon
Sue, that must be so exciting to feel your baby move, that's one thing that I could never get my head around when I was pregnant and one of my close girlfriends told me about how she used to see little feet/hands poking through the skin !!! Take care hun, fingers crossed for a stress free, easy labour in May and a healthy bub
Tildy, thanks for your very kind thoughts. I know what you're saying about your mum....don't get me started !
Girls ( for those who are still finding it really hard to deal with their loss ) I'm reading a book called Layla's Story by Vanessa Gorman about a woman who loses her daughter hours after birth. Very powerful and honest book ( too honest sometimes ! ), but it's such a beautiful book that as I'm reading it, I always have a tear running down my cheek ( without even realising it ). Highly recommend it, it deals with issues such as other people not knowing how to deal with our loss. I have nodded to so many things while reading this book ( I haven't finished it yet ) I can really relate to it on so many levels.
so many sad stories on here at the moment... I can't say it was the same for me, as I simply wasn't brave enough to face the whole family this Christmas. They're all great, but my brother and sister both have little kids and I just couldn't deal with it. So we were at hom for the first time and my parents came down. It was nice and low-key.
Laney, that is just so horrible... I don't mean to be rude but I would be so angry at your family if I were you, that's incredibly hurtful. I think you're very brave for going at all. Personally, during this pregnancy I have deliberately ignored everyone else's needs but DH's and mine, I don't make an effort with my family (except my parents) as it's too painful hearing about their babies and they can just wait until the baby's born because for me, my emotional state while the baby's depending on me is the most important thing. My family has been good about it so far (even though most of them don't know about the pregnancy), I hope that you can put yourself first and not allow them to make you feel guilty for your entirely understandable and justified feelings. You can always repair relationships when everyone's calmed down, has some perspective and you're feeling up to it.
For all the other ladies who had difficult days on Christmas, my hat goes off to you for being so brave. I feel the same way about letting go of 2008 but also looking forward to 2009, it is such a bittersweet feeling. It's made especially worse as everyone else's memories fade and they expect you to be 'over it' or getting better, when our memories don't seem to fade at all. I even get the feeling that DH is 'moving on' when I don't know if I'll ever feel that way... learn to live with it maybe, but never move on.
Oh my gosh Laney - what a terrible xmas for you! I don't blame you for heading back home and really feel for you that your family seem incapable of understanding how tough it is for you. It is especially more hurtful I guess when it is your family hurting you.
I am sorry to hear that a few of you had a rough xmas. Mine wasn't that bad really - I think being here in hospital helped to filter out a lot of reality. I even managed to ignore the happy santa that was doing the room to room having photos with the new babies...
I have moved rooms again, hopefully for the final time until I either head home or to Westmead and it is a lot nicer now. I am quite far from the nursery (yay) and the room is much bigger. Aah the little things that make me happy now! ha ha
10 days to go till our next u/s. Not that I am counting or anything
Syran - its funny how people keep saying stuff about "oh wait till you are getting kicked in the ribs" blah blah. I DON'T CARE!!! She can kick me, give me stretchmarks, haemorrhoids (sp?), whatever - as long as she arrives healthy. I am sure most of us feel that way hey? And yeah, maybe at the end we will all be over it and complaining about those things, but for now bring it on I say!
Although I could do without her kicking my cervix - it freaks me out
I have been away from the computer during the festive season and this is my first peek since the 23rd or something. What a ****ty time of year it is for all of us. So may tears over the last few days but thankfully I have DS who was so excited about xmas that it was a healthy distraction for all of us. I asked DH as we lay in bed on xmas night how he had felt during the day and he said at one point he was swimming in the pool and as he came up he hear a voice call out 'daddy'. Our son wasn't with him so it wasn't him. He said he just knew it was our little girl and he felt like his heart would explode. He made a lovely toast at lunchtime expressing gratitude for having our son with us and rememberance of the fact we don't have our daughter. It was very emotional but in a good way because everyone was sensitive enough to share in our mixed emotions. unlike a lot of you we are blessed with really supportive family who for the most part miss our little girl almost as much as we do.
On another note I have been wanting to share an experience I had just before xmas. I went to see a psychic. I have been thinking about it for awhile and finally did it. It was quite amazing. She was so spot on with what she said and picked up on some really specific stuff without any input from me at all. I wasn't a skeptic or anything but I am a pretty suspicious person by nature. I wont' bore you all with the details but she did ask me at one point how many children I had because up until this point she had only mentioned my son. I wasn't sure how to answer and just as I said 1 she said I can see a little girl who keeps popping up. I explained that my daughter had died earlier in the year and she was adamant that it wasn't Charlie but another girl. She said the baby was linked to September 2009 either a BFP or a birth. If it is a birth then I can be expecting a BFP sometime in the next month!! She was adamant that the pregnancy would go fine and I wouldn't have any trouble.
She also has the ability to channel spirits but she said the rules of her gift don't allow her to channel babies under 18mths - 2years. I was a bit disappointed but she said my Grandma had popped in to say that a baby was being sent to me with an enormous amount of love and that Charlie would be one of this babies guides and this baby was meant for great things.
I don't know how much of it to believe but I guess as I am feeling so nervous about being PG again it was nice to get some reassurance. Even if it is a bit trippy.
Has anyone else had any psychic experiences since losing their babies. I would be really interested to hear about them.
Anyway, sorry for no personals but hugs to you all for braving the storm that is xmas and what a year 2009 is going to be. Remember, we're not leaving anyone behind (me speaking as troop leader in the trenches... I think I even have an american accent and there is some dramatic music playing in the background!!!)
Oh Laney, sorry if this is too forward but what your sister said was just awful and very hurtful I am so sorry you had to leave early and that this Xmas ended on a sour note with your family. I just can't believe nobody understands how fragile we all are - we didn't break the heel on our favourite pair of shoes for God's sake, we lost babies!
Theresa, I'm glad you're feeling a little stronger today and you're right, this time is hell - worse than hell actually.
Tildy, glad your Xmas went well.
Sue, glad the BD went smoothly! Bet your DH is the happiest man on earth right now How exciting getting all those kicks. It must be so wonderfully reassuring.
Lan, sounds like you had a rough day also. Are you close to testing?
Rozzie, good for you for doing what you and DH want. I wish I had the courage to do the same. I have really learnt alot about my family since losing Sebastian - they are cowards.
Beata, how nice of your DFs SIL to ask how you were, sometimes it's the people you least expect. Sorry you have been having issues with your mum. I hope you can get your relationship back on track and that she learns to respect your feelings. Thanks for the tip on the book, I will try and find it.
Hi Jo. Glad you had an ok day and are in a nice room now. Hold on nice and tight cervix!
Paula, what a wonderful toast DH made, especially to include your little girl. He is a gem. I am so very pleased your family is supportive and doesn't shy away from talking about Charlie. Your clairvoyant visit sounds very promising! Here is to a BFP for you next month!!
Hope everyone else is doing ok.
Girls, I am certain the new year will welcome healthy and happy babies for our pg ladies, and BFPs for all of us TTC. Again, I am so very sorry to all of you that have suffered over the Xmas period. It's nearly over.......
2014 BellyBelly RAK Recipient.
Hi girls
But don't worry, our time will come soon...I can feel it in my 'waters'....
and for those carrying little bubs all the very best in your pregnancies ! Merry Christmas to all, let's hope 2009 brings us lovely surprises and is a happy, healthy and safe year for us all
. Just know that I'm thinking of you and your angel Zachary, and I'm sending you lots of strength in this difficult and hard time. I'm sending you big, big hugs darl
) so wanted to take this opportunity to wish everyone all the very best in TTC and send my deepest heart felt wishes that all your baby dreams come true.
Huge hugs coming your way !
How exciting getting all those kicks. It must be so wonderfully reassuring.
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