TTC AFTER Late Loss/Recurrent Miscarriage/ Stillbirth 2010

[angelicdragon]

Thought I might poke my head back in here, although not sure if I really belong due to my age.
We just lost identical twins at 9 weeks. My OB reckons it was due to my age and chromosones whereas I beleive it was due to the twin to twin transfer. One placenta but two sacs and 2 cords coming from that one placenta plus a subchorionic bleed under 50% of the placenta. The smaller twin stopped growing just after 5w4d and the bigger twin had a heartbeat at 6w3d and recordable at 147bpm at 7w5d yet still we lost the surviving twin.
How often do you read that once you see a heartbeat the incidence of m/c goes down to 5%. We lost Joey at 11w4d (Oct 8 2006) after a good heartbeat and fell pg straight away unbelievably but we lost Ethan at 7 wks (Dec 1 2006) after seeing his heartbeat at 6w3d so to me it no longer means anything seeing a heartbeat.
We were lucky enough to conceive and carry Daniel thru to 38 wks and he is about to turn one.
We also have a stillbirth, our little girl should be turning 8 this year but was born tangled in her cord at 31 wks April 5th 2002.
I get so tired of hearing "Be grateful for the children you have", "it is just your age" etc etc.
I am grateful for the children I have but that does not mean I shouldn't grieve the babies I have lost. And my age is not the reason because we have had testing done and each time it showed nothing associated with age like chromosones .. all came back clear.. just fate.
I had a D&C last Tuesday and I have had a 'hormonal' headache now for 4 days. It doesn't respond to panadeine or sleep,, just throbs on hurting.
I don't know what to do now if we get another BFP
I don't know if I want to hide my head in the sand for 12 weeks and ignore it or do I rush in as soon as I get the 2 lines and get betas done every 2 days for 3 times... this last time even though we had a big starting number it never really doubled but stayed at a doubling time of 56 hours. What is the point now in early scans? Daniel was always several days to a week ahead in datings and he made it but the scans of babies that fell behind by days to a week never made it ... heartbeats mean nothing.

I do feel guilty about posting my woes as I do have children alive but I also am very upset at losing our babies especially in a way losing the twins. In all my pgs I have never had twins before and I lost both of them
My OB has given us the go ahead to try again but to understand we could have more m/c's ... he has a 49 yr old about to give birth, a 47 year old he saw last Monday the same day he saw me and several others aged between 42 and 44... so he says it is not impossible.. just harder to reach the goal post.

thanks for letting me vent.
Judy

My TTC history to date
*April 1993 m/c D&C @ 9wks
*June 1984 Gregory - 40wks
*August 1991 Natasha - 38 wks
*Ocotber 1991 Nicholas - 38 wks
*February 1994 DH - vasectomy
*March 1996 * LLETZ for CIN II
*May 2001 - DH vasectomy reversal
*April 5th 2002 Annabelle - stillborn 31 weeks, cord entanglement -
*August 2003 - Jan 2004 3x chem pg
*January 2004 BFP Samuel. (BFP10DPO, beta [15dpo]390 born Sept 14
*January 17 05 PPAF - 9 cycles then
*Nov 1 2005 BFP ?dpo (betas [15dpo]141, [17dpo]205, [19dpo]173, [22dpo]25 m/c while betas were still at 25) 5w4d
*January 2006 testing on Cd12 (my GP said the CD day didn't matter ) FSH =4, E2 =552 thyroid was normal. Liver was normal.
*February 2006 testing continued 7DPO P4 =15. I was told that was fine.
*May 23 2006 BFP 14dpo m/c 5w4d
*June 28 2006. BFP at 13dpo m/c @ 6w
*August 2006 BFP Joey (BFP 10dpo, betas [13dpo]123, [15dpo]271, h/b 7w3d, m/c intact 11w4d then D&C Oct 8th 2006
*Nov 2006 Ethan (BFP at 12dpo, spotting since 4dpo, betas [13dpo]150, [17dpo]968, h/b 6wks, m/c7wk D&C Dec 1 2006
*CD3 test July 20 - FSH =5, LH =3 and they did progesterone instead of oestrogen so it was less than 1. 7DPO progesterone =17, E2 = 237
*October 2007 laparascopy, hysterosopy, HSG
*November 2008 recurrent miscarriage blood tests for me and Robert
*March 8 2008. BFP 10dpo. betas: 15dpo 57, 17dpo 95, 21dpo 170, 24dpo 58. m/c 5w5d
*May 2008 BFP 10dpo, m/c 5w
*July 23 BFP Daniel BFP 11dpo betas [18dpo] - 1121 [22dpo] - 5809 (doubling time 40.45 hrs) [24dpo] - 11,635 (doubling time 47.90 hrs) born March 31 2009
*December 2009 BFP 9dpo chem pg 4w3d
*February 2010 BFP 9dpo betas [19dpo] - 1396, [22dpo] - 3158 (doubling time 59.44 hrs) progesterone - 35, [25dpo] - 5332 (doubling time 104.54 hrs ) , [29dpo] - 9664 (doubling time 106.7 hrs) progesterone - 41, twins but only 1x heartbeat at 6w3d and 147bpm @ 7w5d. m/c at 9w1d, D&C 9w2d.