Gigi - such beautiful words from such a beautiful soul. Love you! Are you going to try the organic doughnut shop in Byron when you go down? OMG I am so open to suggestion at the moment, now I want to have a doughnut!

Chez - I am so sorry that this is a tough time with DH, in addition to unexpectedly reliving your experiences leading up to meeting Ryan and all the emotions. It is so draining. Grief changes us in ways we don't expect and don't sometimes see. I don't know its all so hard. I think you and DH did well to come to a compromise about a really important issue - the impact of your individual choices on your tcc journey. I am trying to put myself in DH shoes, and try as I might, I can't. if your pursuit of other options gives you some peace, and doesn't harm, then I don't understand his reluctance. The important thing is how those things make you feel. I am a believer in medicine and science too, but they are not the only answers. But having said that, science and medicine do caution all of us on the use of alcohol. Maybe for DH his alcoholuse is masking something else that is going on, something that maybe he doens't even realise or acknowledge. It's a hard journey for him too. Is it time for a special night for DH so you can start to try to get to the bottom of this. As a personal aside, my father is an alcoholic and my brother is currently dying (slowly) from the ravages of alcoholism. I have seen first hand how alcohol can be so damaging to health and to relationships. I drink alcohol ( but not at the moment for very obvious reasons!!) and I drink to enjoy, half a glass of wine usually and DH will have a beer or scotch occassionally, but its rare for either ofus to have more than one. Maybe I am "justifying" or "rationalising" my alcohol use when I know better? Who knows. I wish I could help my brother, but I can't.

My2boys - seems like you've done a lot of research already! Factor V Leiden is apparretly a common clotting disorder which is under tested for. I have also heard of heparin and clexane being used. I am not up to speed on the exact uses of metforim, but have heard of it being used in a vareity of applications. Clexane ( I think) was tentatively sugested to me, but in the end wasn't needed. In terms of autoimmune diseases, my research has revealed they can come and go, so to speak. There are a few of them. My friend who now has 3 adorable children, suffered several m/c after hte birth of her first child and it was eventually determined she had Hashimotos disease, an auto immune disease. I don't know what treatment she received but something went right because she then had 2 more little ones, without any more m/c. There is hope.

The Brisbane City Council Library has a copy of the book "Is my body baby friendly" - that's where I got my copy to read. They also do have some other books on miscarriage - I would search their eletronic catalouge and then ask for the books you want to be put on hold for you and transferred to your local library. There is a small fee involved, but much better than having to physically scour the libraries yourself. Also when the book comes in, you get an email and then go o the library to the hold section. Very convenient.

Hi to SusueQ, Blessed ( I miss you), Aries, Crumpet, Charli B, and anyone else I have missed - Ah Cmeggles my friend - hope your study is not keeping you away from BB too much.

Angelic - course you are welcome here! It is such a hard journey you've had. This thread is my spiritual home.

About how you manage any future pregnancy? That is really something for you and DH to decide. I have tried several approaches. After my first m/c, I had HcG tests every week for 5 weeks. In all honesty, it was awful. I was so unhappy. All it seemed I did was go to the Dr and pathology and wait for the results,then go to medicare to claim and got no real reassurance from the results. I did for a little while after each result but then just worried about the net one. I woke up one morning, probably after seeing my ob for the first appointment, and just said enough, this is no way to live. I never looked back. For me, that was not helpful and did my head in.

Scans are different for me. I know all they mean is that at that point in time things seem ok and there is no guarantee for the future. But I accept that and get so much delight from my scans. For me and DH it is an opportunity to see our little bundle/s of love. I put aside my fear and anxiety and just live and enjoy that moment. It is just awesome, the miracle of life blossoming in me, and we can get a glimpse of it.

I try to say to myself each day, and each moment when things get tough, I am blessed to have this moment, and I don't want to look back and think that I never embraced it and enjoyed it, irrespective of the outcome. I am happy for what I have now. ( and hope like anything I get past the post!). I am not perfect at it and there are times that I am not thankful at all, and just want to rail about how unfair it all is.

For me the ability to be thankful for the moment even more cemented when my brother suffered a near fatal accident and was in ICU for 60 days last year. He survived by some ironic miracle, but as I said above now he's dying slowly from alcoholism. I got to practise it a lot last year, learning how to be thankful and take happiness where I could. For me,it helped. Without it I would go completely spare. The way that I feel about things, is the only thing that I have any semblance of control over. I can do my best to make a healthy pg and do all the tests and research to find answers, but ultimately, I can't actually control those things, I can only influence them. In a journey that takes away all perceptions of control, I wanted to get some back.

But it doesn't work for everyone. Everyone has to find their own way through.

Ultimately you are the person who knows you the best. You will find a way.

Good luck on your journey, and hope to see you post again soon.