Hi Everyone. Thanks for all your messages. I am definitely holding on dealing to anything that helps me feel even slightly in control. I have my 6 week follow up next week on Tuesday. I know I won't really get any answers, and I know he won't suggest any tests, so I am not really sure what I will get out of it. I am more looking forward to my appointment in Feb with the new Ob. It will feel like I am turning over a new leaf. I am also glad to be changing as it means I won't have to go back to the same ultrasound place - I still have always flashes of the moment we realised Nathaniel was gone. I think that memory will haunt me forever. I feel quite emotional even now thinking about it. So I will gladly never step foot inside that room again!

I think sleeping is a big issue. I have gotten into a bad habit of going to be past midnight and then struggling to wake in the morning. The last few weeks it would take me ages to fall asleep which was agony - as it meant I spent a lot of time thinking things over (and not in a good way). The last couple of nights I have been falling to sleep a lot faster. Now I just need to get into a better pattern again - but I am sure I will have many more restless nights ahead. Maybe you could ask about herbal remedies to help with sleep. I agree that sleeping tablets are best avoided.

We have dinner with some friends tonight. We saw them for the first time on Sunday and they looked so sad and kept asking me how I am. Whilst it was sweet and well-meaning, I had to do everything in my power not to start crying. I told my mother and she got angry - she hates when people get all emotional in front of me. She thinks people need to help me and be strong for me - not make me more upset! I think I agree with her as it really made it even harder for me to stay composed. I hope they don't make those faces at me tonight, as I don't think I can handle it a second time! Oh well, I know they feel our pain which is comforting and I need to focus on that.

Enough of my rant...I hope you are all having an okay day.