TTC after Stillbirth/Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the 1st Trimester March 2007

[Inanna]

Hi everyone,
awww big hugs to Lynne and Spring. It is really really difficult negotiating in law relationships sometimes. I truly understand your hurt Spring and Lynne.

Lynne it sounds like your MIL has some boundary issues there. It was really not okay to contact a health professional on your behalf - and I am really surprised that they took the bullet and contacted you. Maybe your MIL just doesn't know how to help and maybe she is a "doer"and that is why she did what she did. It still wasn't the right thing but maybe that's why? Some folk find it really really tough just to sit with someone else's pain - it is so very common a complaint amongst grieving people. Outsiders feel "it's time they moved on". Often this is born from their discomfort with sadness, grief and death. I know this doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Perhaps next time she offers her unwanted advice you have a pre arranged "statement" you can give her. I know I did this with people who would continually offer unhelpful advice. Something along the lines of " the grief I feel at the loss of Cooper will always be there MIL - somedays are great and others are unbearable. This is a process and one that I will move through in my own time, with my chosen support. I would really appreciate if you would respect this..." Perhaps you could phone Bonnie Babes or Sids for kids and ask for some brochures to be sent to you about grief and grieving. You could give them to your MIL so maybe she will understand a little more... I am sorry Lynne. I wish I could give you a big hug in person so know I would if I could. Keep leaning on those who understand.

Spring, This is a big dilemma. One I empathise with. I will tell you a little of some of my story in the hope that it will help you. When our first angel died my MIL told me it was obviously a sign that Ihad had enough children. I was shocked and just couldn't believe her comment when she understood just how much I wanted another child. It really hurt me and that comment often springs to memory and makes me feel sad. My MIL is a bit of a piece of work and due to her comments we haven't told them of our other two baby Angels - I knew that I would hear comments that were not helpful and would serve to hurt me. To protect myself from that we made the decision to keep our babies to ourselves. Of course as you know they died without ever being known to their grandparents... Due to other reasons between my dh and his parents he has not heard from his parents for some time. However, next pregnancy we will not share the baby until it's born - easier for us because DH parents live in country victoria!

I understand why your DH wants to share the news with both sets of parents (we didnt' with subsequent pregnancies we only told my side - simply due to the hurtful nature of my MIL therefore we protected ourselves from comment...). However, maybe you need to talk a little more about this Spring. Perhaps put on hold telling anyone until you feel a sense of resolution about this? It does sound like you have a lot of concerns about her respecting your need for keeping Lil Spring a family secret for the time being. It also sounds like you are concerned about her making inappropriate comments. That is something that has the potential to cause problems for you and your sense of wellbeing.

I am thinking of you Spring and I am hoping that you and DH can come to a place of unity on this one. Just know that it is a really tough one. Lots of love and hugs...

Me, well the Baby Dance Fest has begun and I have very strong ovulatory pains (ON BOTH SIDES!!!! ) today. So I am imagining ovulation will occur tonight or early tomorrow. I pray that we catch those eggs this month - all of us. We deserve it!


Hi to Bailey and Mel - you girls can chat!!!! I hope you both have a beautiful weekend.

[Lynn]

Thank you so much Deb. Your words are so wise. I think I believe that she only did it because she thought she was helping. Otherwise I don't think I could forgive her. I guess I don't know what it is like to be on the other side of pain. I don't know what it is like to watch someone in pain and not know how to help them. Your words are perfect and I think next time we have a 'chat' I will use them and hopefully she will understand a bit better. I guess the hardest part or how it made me feel was that I was put in the too hard basket or she didn't know how to deal with my issues so passed me onto someone else.

I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. Some people just don't think before they speak do they. Every woman is entitled to as many children as they want and it is no-ones decision except for ours. When I read what she had said to you, I was in complete shock and just felt for you at the time and how that would have made you feel. You deserve as many children as you want.

I hate it when people (doctors, MIL) say that I am still young. Sometimes it makes me feel like they are saying don't worry about Cooper, you will have another one, you have plenty of time. They don't know how I am feeling. Age is one thing, but feeling (emotional and physically) is another. I know that 29 is not 'old' to start a family. But when I started this journey at 26, 3 years ago, it feels like eternity and I do feel old. I am not saying that 29 is old, I am saying that I feel old. People just don't seem to understand the way I feel. It is in my mind that I should have 2 babies by now. That is what was planned - 26 and 28. If I have learnt one thing on this journey it is that life is not how we plan it.

Sorry for rambling..................

I hope you got that eggie Deb. Or you get it tonight or tomorrow. Sending you heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps of

[bailey99]

Hi everyone,

Spring - How did it all go? I am sorry you ahve to go through all that cr@p with MIL. I can understand why your DH wants to tell her, but I even more understand why you don't want him too. It just sucks that you should be enjoying this time (well as much as us lot ever could) and instead you are having to stress about this. If you do have to tell her, please try not to let her thoughts/comments or her potential to spill the beans worry you. At least you are interstate and you physically don't have to deal with it. Outta sight outta mind - make it your new mantra!! I hope what ever you guys decide, you are ok with it. How did your family react??

Lynn - OMG, how's your MIL's form?? More front than Dolly Parton is what my mum would say to that. but seriously, what Flowerchild said makes sense to me, that she may just not know what else to do, so this makes her feel like she's 'helping' in saome way. Try not to let it get you down too much, you just don't need it. Sorry to hear about your not so good BT's, hopefully wednesdays will be better.

Flowerchild - Woo Hoo on your egg's! Hopefully they are on their way!

Mel - I am going to go and find Nathan's my space sight and drool over him. Lol, how gross is he? Hopefully I can buy his record from his site for you. Sorry, that wasn't funny. I will go and have a perve now!

[Spring Angel]

Flowerchild: How did you ever get so wise. Thank you so much for your kind and insightful words. I really thought about what you had to say and coming from someone who has had to endure some terrible treatment from their MIL, I am so grateful for you sharing.

Lynn: WOW, back off MIL, that is just not on. What sort of professional would just call you out of the blue? Doesn't sound like they know what they are doing. I know that you MIL was just trying to help but I agree with Flowerchild, there are some boundary issues there. Big hugs hun, another thing in common, screwed MIL

Bailey: "More front than Dolly Parton" I love it, can I use that one. Thanks also for the advice. I agree with the outta sight outta mind thing, although I wished I was in Melbourne more so that I could see Mel, I am glad that there is still a State between MIL and me.

Mel: How is the weekend with the Kids going? I hope that are behaving and being as cute as they usually are. Thanks for your advice about MIL. You are such a gem and I couldn't do without you.

Well we did it, the calls have been made and I'm exhausted. Talked to Mum and Dad first and Mum was crying (with happiness) before I even finished my sentence. Mum and Dad are wonderful, very supportive and offer such encouragment. Spoke to my Best Friend and Big sister and after they stoped crying (I must have that effect) they were both so excited and amazed that I had kept it quiet this long.

DH called his Mother and father separately (they are divorced) and I just didn't listen. Apparently she didn't say anything stupid and didn't ask to speak to me. I ummed and arhhed over telling her for the last week and I think that it was more important to me that DH got to tell his parents then to worry about the crap that comes out of her mouth. He said something very insightful to me, he said 'I don't like my mother but I love my mother so it is very important to me that she is told'. I couldn't really argue with that could I. So whats done is done, I am out and proud (lol)

Anyway, we are going to relax for a while and I'll pop in later on.

Big love
Spring