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Thread: TTC after Stillbirth/ Recurrent Miscarriage or Loss after the First Trimester

  1. #91

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    Hi everybody,

    Bailey - Welcome back Sorry to hear that AF arrived, I have to admit that I was kind of convinced - until you didnt post again after you said you gonna get a test. Glad your holiday was nice, sorry DH was a monster but I guess its kind of a typical 3 year old kind of thing to do huh. Hope you caught up on your sleep and now we can look foward to seeing round here again.

    Deb - What a stressful event taking the kiddies with you to get your hair done, people should be understanding though. As long as they are not being naughty they are only kids and kids will run around and be noisy - its life. Your wine and cheese night sounds nice, your whole weekend sounds like a pretty good one actually. How is your life in the land of the TWW going?

    Tommysmum - That is pretty sad that your DH broke down on his night out, but maybe its something he needed to do. I think its great he has such a supportive mate. I dont know about you but sometimes I find it difficult that men and women handle grief and sadness differently and on the occasions that my DH gets upset about Nicholas it kind of makes me feel good cause it shows me that he does love Nicholas and that it does affect him. Sometimes he just goes about life and makes me wonder what he feels. Bit of a bummer about the morning sickness huh? But its kind of a catch 22 - you dont wanna complain cause you are happy to be UTD but all the same it kinda sucks!

    Alex - Must be something in the air about all these new hair-dos. I had a similar type of dramatic cut to your, similar length cut off. Its kind of drastic and I am still getting used to it after all these years of having long hair, but I kind of like it.

    Kristee - Congrats on getting the go ahead to TTC - thats great news. I can understand your frustration with DH because men do handle different to us women - I think women tend to be more outwardly emotional whereas men for the most part tend to deal with it internally and help themselves by helping the ones they love. Re him seeming like he isnt grieving for your bubs, I dont know him and therefore cant really say with knowledge but I was wondering if maybe he is affected by your losses and that is the reason he wants to throw himself into TTC. If he is so desperate to have another bub with you he surely cant be NOT sad at the fact you keep going through the losses of your little ones. I hope that is not out of line, I just wanted to put forward that maybe this is his way of dealing with it. I have to be honest that as soon as I gave birth to Nicholas and the funeral was over I spoke to DH about wanting to try for another bub, it is the only way I can cope and I dont think I would have got through these last 7 months without my TTC journey (as hard and frustrating as it is). But as I said I dont know your DH so I could be very wrong.

    Lynn - I know your not checking BB but I hope you are having a wonderful time and cant wait til your back to hear all about it. Hope the jabs are going well.

    WARNING: YET ANOTHER LONG POST / VENT / GOT NOTHING BETTER TO DO CHAT:

    OK so it has been a reasonably eventful weekend for me. Apart from lopping all of my hair off, DH and I had a massive argument on Friday night. Cant really remember how it started (probably over something stupid) but in the end it came out that it bothers DH that I dont want to have sex except to TTC anymore. I personally dont believe this is true but I will admit that since having Nicholas things have changed. He asked me if I still love him the way I used to and I said that I love him more than I used to but that doesnt mean I want to have sex everyday. He basically said that the last few months he has been thinking I am only with him because I want a baby. I said I wouldnt have married him in November if that were the case and now I just feel awful because I have been thinking how would I feel if he constantly said he wasnt in the mood to me except when he was ovulating (apart from that sounding completely freaky LOL) and I think I would feel like crap. So anyway we sorted it out and the fight only lasted about an hour or so and in the end alot of my feelings came out about how I dont feel very good about myself and dont feel I am very attractive anymore cause I still have a post baby body and that the want to have another baby consumes every thought in my head and everything I do. Even every day I got to work I think to myself I am just going in as a means to an end until I get pregnant. Really I want to be at home looking after my child that way I should be had he not passed away 2 weeks before his induction date. So as hard as it was having this fight I really think it was something that needed to happen because both of us let out a lot of feelings and I think I actually love him more for knowing how he feels.

    I went out for dinner with a girlfriend last night (while DH went to the 30th - more on that in the next paragraph) and I discussed everything with her - I am a very open person with my friends which is probably bad but really its just me - and gave me a huge reality check which showed me how I basically have to get over myself and little and remember DH is going through this as well. I said I saw his point of view but that I really think he doesnt understand how hard it is for me as he has 3 children already, I dont have any. I said that he still has someone to celebrate fathers day with and call him Daddy whereas I have noone. Mothers Day is coming up soon and I am a mum but who is going to celebrate it with me? I am really not looking forward to that day and I think we will celebrate it with our mothers on the Saturday and I will just spend the Sunday crying because of everything I am missing out on. Nicholas would have been 8 months old the week before mothers day and I know what a beautiful age 8 months old is and I feel pretty ****ed off that I dont get to enjoy that with my child on Mothers Day. Anyway, she said that she think it is a little harsh for me to say he doesnt hurt as much cause he has kids. She thinks that he has still lost his son, he still doesnt get to watch his 8 month old child grow. She said that it is just like saying he loves his oldest child more than he loves his 2 year old because she is the 3rd and the others mean more to him. I then discussed all of this with DH when he got home and said that he agreed with her. He said that he thinks it is harder on me cause he believes it is always harder on the mother because a mother has a stronger bond with an unborn child than a father but that it doesnt mean it isnt hard on him, he said he still cuddled and kissed his son and he still gets angry because he wants a child with me and that while he has 3 kids to someone else, really they are her kids because she doesnt allow him to have a say in any aspect in their lives and so he has lost out hugely. I feel so awful about all of this, and then when I mentioned about fathers day he made me realise something I hadnt thought of and that is that fathers day this year falls on the 6 September and Nicholas' first birthday is on 5 September so he said he is not going to have a nice fathers day the way I think he will and that because Nicholas actually died overnight on fathers day last year that it will never be a 100% happy day for him every again. I really am annoyed with myself now, why do I get so wrapped up in what I feel and end up being so thoughtless about the person I love more than anyone else in the world? I wish I could go back and undo alot of the things I said but I cant, and he says he is glad I have said them cause at least we can discuss it and work it out.

    Ok so last but not least the 30th... DH went and said that when they asked where I was he said that I just couldnt go because it is hard for me to face everybody when I know that everyone goes about things like nothing has happened (so proud of him for that). He said I would have actually enjoyed myself because everyone mentioned Nicholas, he said the mates emotionally challenged dad who asked me how my kids were last time I saw him didnt say anything but that if we need anything we know where they are (like I would ask them for help when he cant even mentioned it) but the sisters and the mum all asked if I wasnt there because of "the baby". He said he sat with his mates brother and SIL all night who had their 2 kids (3 and 18 months) with them and they spoke all about Nicholas all night and asked questions and said her cousin just lost a little girl at 26 weeks. I told DH that of course they mentioned "the baby" (who actually has a name!) because I wasnt there! Its easy for them to say it to you, because they think that I am the "loose cannon" being the mother, you know we dont want to upset her (hello I am upset most of the time anyway) and he said he disagrees. I said maybe the brother and SIL would have still spoken about it but I guarantee that noone else would have mentioned him because they said about him was if he the reason I wasnt there. Much the same way that they dont really ask him if HE is ok, they always say how is Mel? and I am sure that has got to hurt the father of the child. In a way I would like them to know that actually Nicholas is not the reason I wasnt there but in fact THEY are the reason - because THEY cant do the decent thing and acknowledge that I was pregnant and lost my baby at almost full term. But I am trying to remind myself that in the world there are some compassionate and open people and there are also some emotionally challenged, scared people and they fall into that category. Anyway, that is the vent part of the looooooooooooooooooooooong post.



    None of this probably makes sense now as I havent read over it but what the hell I am gonna post it anyway LOL.

    Hope you all have a nice night.

    Love Mel.

  2. #92

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    Spring - Thought I would post one of your own cause it was gonna be lengthy and my other post was already ridiculously long LOL...

    One HUGE reality TV fan here!!!! DH absolutely hates it, its one of the reasons I love Foxtel cause it is full of reality TV and celebrity reality TV - I said to DH a little while ago that I was so excited about tonight cause BB (the OTHER BB) is back and he goes oh yeah great, cant wait! But yet, I had to put up with footy So my big plan tonight is left overs for dinner, BB, Rove (spunk) and bed - sounds amazing. Hows the rumour that there is no prize money this year though! I bet there will be a few unhappy campers! I did get my hair chopped, pretty much like Alex did - went from just below bra strap to just below neck! DH was devastated when I said I was cutting it (he loves long hair) but he says I look beautiful with shorter hair (although he is bias LOL). It feel so light but it will take a bit of getting used to, dont have a pic of it yet but when I get one I will email through. Oh... and while I was there got my eyebrows waxed and tinted (go figure dark hair, but almost blonde eyebrows) and she burnt just underneath my left eyebrown with the wax It is so sore, even now and I keep putting moisturiser on it cause I can tell a blister is forming and its all red. She always does my eyebrows perfectly so I dont know what went wrong, although it still looks good maybe a little too thin but oh well - more worried about the damn blister right now - how embarrasing!

    Re AILs visit - that sensitivity gene that is missing in your MIL must run in the whole family! Well done on how well you handled her though, I am pretty impressed. It is a little disappointed that people would do that though, almost like false pretenses. I think it is pretty harsh that MIL couldnt let DHs birthday go by without bringing all this crap up. Surely he is entitled to not think about this stuff on his birthday? And I would have thought as a mother she would want him to enjoy his special day! But then again she does and says alot of things that most mothers wouldnt so it is probably no surprise. I hope regardless of his nutso mother he enjoyed his day and I am sure you made it really special for him cause youre a great wife. Tell him from all of us BB girls.

    Love Mel

    P.S. BTW still waiting on my piece of cake to arrive in the mail

  3. #93

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    Hey Bailey, sorry didnt see your post til after I posted. I have only ever done OPK's and I still do them - I have heard of Maybe Baby but dont really know what it all is. I know Lynn temps but I wouldnt have a clue what to be looking for myself. I did OPK's this month and I used different brand and found them to be slightly better than the other ones I was using, so I dont know if it differs between brands. I guess if you have a thermometer (with DS I would guess you do) you could always take your temps just for the hell of it - keep ya busy anyway LOL. If your cycle is all over the place it might be a good idea to keep an eye on things one way or the other. Funny, without TTC a 44 day cycle would be a dream but what a PITA when working out conception.

  4. #94

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    Oh meant to say - after fight on Friday night, DH and I went out to the movies so that we could enjoy what was left of the night and saw Disturbia... If anyone likes thrillers (like me) you will love it - I was on the edge of my seat the last half of the movie and even bit down 2 of my fingernails while watching it, and I dont bite my fingernails LOL. Anyway I highly recommend it, except for those who scare easily.

    So do you think I have filled up a whole page on my own yet or should I keep posting LMAO


  5. #95

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    OK OK one more and then Ill stop...

    Deb - Wanting to call on your expertise for a sec - re not having enough rompy pompy, DH said he has been trying to find out stuff on poor sperm quality and he said that he read that not having "regular" sex can decrease the quality of the sperm. He said it said to keep sperm healthy you should ejaculate every 2nd to 3rd day and that if there is too long in between the sperm can become weak and therefore reduce quality. Now - its not that I dont trust my DH but I know not all of the information you find out on the net is reliabel and I would expect DH is more than happy to believe that you should have sex every 2nd to 3rd day to keep sperm healthy but basially wanted to see if this is true! If you have info I would appreciate you advice.

    Sorry - I know TMI!

  6. #96

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    Hey Mel: Sorry that you and DH had a fight, but TTC is such an emotionally charged experience and the pregnancy journey is also. Sounds like DH is feeling a bit of pressure and I am sure his swimmers results don't help. I am glad that you sorted it out, don't feel bad about what was said in the heat of the moment. As long as you have resolved it with eachother than that is what a healthy relationship is about.

    About the turn over of sperm, I am not sure about the every 2 to 3 day thingo but it kinda makes sense. I guess there would be girls in here who would know much more than me. Perhaps post in the conception thread as no doubt someone in there will know what they are talking about.

    Well I spoke to my Bis sister tonight all about the AIL and MIL, she wanted me to give her their numbers because no one talks to my lil' sis like that gotta love her, she is about 5ft but would stick up for me always. I feel a bit better getting it all off my chest to my big sister. She said that if MIL wants to impose herself on DH and I when Lil' Spring arrives then she will take care of her I believe her. She has just been so good to DH and I over the last 6 months I guess that is what sisters are for. Well DH has gone back so I am feeling a little blue. Only 47 sleeps until he is back for good so considering we started at 131 it is not much at all. I have my 19 week scan on Tuesday (well I'll be 18wk 4 day) and considering everything I am feeling good, almost confident. I am trying to trust my instincts, as I said, I felt a sense of dread the whole time I was pregnant with Harry even before I know he had problems. I hope more than anything that I come out with wonderful news and I will post and let you all know ASAP.

    Anyway, I have had my dose of reality TV for tonight, can't wait for the Biggest Loser Finale on Thursday 'Go Paddi' and BB looks like it will be interesting.

    Oh well, a shower and to bed me thinks.

    big love to all of you

    Spring

  7. #97

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    hey Spring - Let your little-big sister at 'em I say. It sucks that you and DH have to deal with this [email protected] now when you should just be enjoying having lil Spring getting big and strong and ready to come and meet us all. Why are people so selfish?

    Mel - Try not to beat yourself up too much about stuff said during an arguement. Of course your DH is hurting too, but I think that sometimes we can feel so lonely in this. I know that my DH is hurting just as much as me, but sometimes I still feel like nobody else in the whole world can possibly understand how it feels for me, I think that I am the only person that is going through it. It is a lonely type of grief for me because even though DH and our families are sad and grieving the loss of Asha too, they never really felt her like I did. I don't think she was as real for them as she was and is for me. I hope you know what I mean, I dont want to seem like I am saying that no body else cares or hurts, I am just saying that I know how you must have been feeling when you think that no body understands. I hope you are feeling better.

    Well I hope everyone is going well.

    I have posted in the HPT and OPK thread as I was hoping one of the test-junkie/experts in there can give me some advise on weather to get a maybe Baby thing or just use the OPK's cos it seems that my cycle is totally messed up and I don't think I can work out when I will ovulate. I am just so glad I didn't trust that stupid HPT with it's stupid little faint-but-still-visable line. I kept it and showed DH today and he can see it too! I will never get those (insert swear word of choice here) Foretel Ultra HPK's again!!

  8. #98

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    Hi everyone

    Bailey - welcome back and again sorry that AF arrived. I think you are just going to have to bonk every 2nd day - i know DH will find this hard (not) but you are just going to have to do it. LOL. Actually i have Maybe Baby at home (recommended by a chemist friend) but to be honest i think it was a waste of $70 ! I am like licking this thing every night and i swear i couldnt see any change (well maybe once) - i was so frustrated with the thing i gave up after a couple of cycles. You can have it if you like (just needs a clean (to wipe off my saliva)) and perhaps a new battery. Also, the S&K meeting was really good last week (well apart from crying etc).

    Mel - well you have been busy chatting (i thought this girl can talk). Don't regret what you have said to DH - it is what you feel at the time and you have to be honest with each other - they are genuine feelings and you can't help that. Are we married to the same bloke - my DH says to me "you only want me for a baby" to which i reply "yeh, what is wrong with that" - he just laughs but i think he is serious too so i better put out more...ergh ! But honestly, your priority is to have a baby isn't it (that is what i tell my husband) - to fill that hole, to help with the grief of losing Nicholas, etc. Once baby has been conceived of course you will go back to "making love" (i hate that phrase) to make love. Does this sound corny ? But i totally understand where you are coming from believe me. As for the party and everyone asking about you - of course it would have been different if you were there (nothing would have been said). I am glad DH came out and said something. Perhaps next time you see these people they will raise it and acknowledge it to your face - this is very important i know. My friends DH always says don't ask/mention that to Tommysmum (she will get upset) - but my friend is like, oh she is ok about it and wants to talk/help etc (in relation to another friend of theirs who lost their girl full term a couple of weeks ago - wanting advice from me on what to do eg: bath baby, photos etc). I am only too happy to talk about it. Mothers Day is going to be tough for sure - but little Nicholas will be watching over you and giving you hugs and kisses. And that goes for all those other angel babies - us mums will be gettings truck loads of kisses and hugs from them.

    Spring - Go for your big (well little) SIS - way to go. I just can't believe you have OTP (Off the planet) family - it can be so upsetting can't it when family and friends are so insensitive and actually havge no f**** idea. You are handling it well i must say but remember just look after yourself (and DH) - that is the most important thing - the other issues are just obstacles. As for reality TV - i do love Biggest Loser (i do like Patti too but do you think she will win ??? i have my doubts for some reason). I swore not to watch BB but got sucked into it. So no prize money - i thought that was hilarious - and their faces - not happy chappies (esp the mormon, Rebecca - i was quite suprised with her reaction). I do like Thomas - he seems sweet (so far) and innocent (?). Sorry i must say that some of those girls and guys are just soooo punishing though !

    Hello to everyone else out there - hope you are all doing fine and feeling well. Sorry if i missed any personals (there was just so much to read - Mel).

    Take care and will be back on line tomorrow. I must to the housework today - DH said it is a pigsty (he actually noticed for once) - i do like a clean place but man it gets filthy easy. I hate being a housewife sometimes.....

  9. #99

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    hi everyone,

    Tommysmum - Lol, i didn't want to have to bonk that much that was why I was going to go out and buy the Maybe Baby today But if you don't want yours I will be happy to buy it from you. They are about $85 at the chemist up the road. Are you going tomorrow to playgroup? Oh, I got your DD a fairy dress from Bali, it is so cute! I will probably speak to you tomorrow anyway. Sorry to hear that DH brokedown, but I guess it is good to get it out.

    Deb - I just saw your email about the article, I posted it today.

    Well, I am off to do some shopping, so I will talk to you gals later

  10. #100

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    Hi Bailey

    I am thinking of going to playgroup - will you be there too (do you need a lift esp if it is raining) ? Let me know. $85 for a maybe baby - geez - gone up - they must rate themselves (well i am sure it works for some). I will get mine out now and give it to you tomorrow (no need to buy it from me - just use it).

    talk tomorrow

  11. #101

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    Hi all,
    I have had a busy day today and Iam exhausted. So please excuse my lack of personals.
    Mel: It is good that you were able to express yourself to your dH. Good on you. I think how he is feeling is how many men feel in the ttc process (irks me a bit sometimes - like I enjoy the endless tww, clomid side effects and general rollercoaster!). Big hugs my love... :hugs: I have way more to say to you but I just can't be in here for long - dinners on, kiddies are splashing in the bath etc etc!
    I also wanted to say. It is supposedly best for a man to ejaculate every few days in order for the best sperm quality and count. So, he is right! Regular intercourse throughout your cycle is the best for those little swimmers. So get ye to thy room!

    Bailey: thankyou for posting the article -

    I had my progesterone level done today and will find out the result tomorrow. I have an obs appointment in the morning - she wants to see me for plan A (if I have conceived this month ) and Plan B (if I haven't ).
    I am feeling a bit flat today - you all know the drill with the TWW. If I am not pregnant this month I feel like I will fall in a bit of a heap. I JUST WANNA HAVE AN EARTH BABY PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Anyway enough of that. I have to get back to my roast lamb. We just had a huge huntsman (really ugly hairy one about the size of my palm) in the bathroom. I was very brave and instilling the virtues of spiders - but oh Lordy they give me the heebie geebies!

    I will come back in tomorrow after my appointment.
    Big hi to everyone else.

  12. #102
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    Glad to hear from you Deb, was worried you had been a bit quiet.
    Wishing you all the best for tomorrow - will be sending you +ve vibes in the morning
    Drop in if you can, BB will be thinking of you
    xxxxxx

  13. #103

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    Well i am going to the EPC in the morning as i have had fresh blood (with a clot) - great !!! My DD jumped on my belly this evening and i was in so much pain - my DH said not to be paranoid...i said - i am not jokin it f**** hurt and i am in pain. It then settled and now i am bleeding - whether it is related or not who knows - i am just like "whatever, do what you have to do body". Will have a scan in the morning to confirm what is going on - Bailey will keep you posted but doesn't look like i will make playgroup - will see anyway.

  14. #104

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    Tommysmum - I hope everything is OK, try not to worry too much yet, I know that it is easy to say. Let us know how everything is tomorrow. Thinking of you guys.
    Kel

  15. #105

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    Thanks everyone for your comments - feeling a little embarrassed for annoying everyone with my long posts I just need to get it all out and sometimes its easier to with your girls. Dont worry I will spare everyone tonight...

    Tommysmum - Oh you poor thing you must be worried absolutely sick about your bubba - I that everything is ok tomorrow and let us know how you go

    Deb - OMG I hate spiders... do you realise how brave you are? I reckon if we had a huntsman in the bathroom and DH wasnt home, I would not enter the damn room until he returned and he would be marched right in there!!! I know what you mean about the feeling flat thing, its so hard isnt it? Do you have anything that is giving you a feeling? I *think* have been having a couple of symptoms and I am really trying not to let my thoughts run away, I have been weeing every 5 mins but I keep remembering I have only just got over a UTI, and I have the most severe bloating like my innards are going to fall out through my you know what, but I have thought I had symptoms many times and been wrong so its more than likely I am just a nutcase. Thanks for the info about the swimmers, looks like I better pull my finger out and succumb to my "wifely" duties more often

    Bailey - I know exactly what you mean about noone feeling the pain for Asha the way you do, thats what I mean when I say it is harder for me - I feel like I got to know Nicholas because of carrying him inside me and I felt that bond grown each day he was inside me, considering the bond starts as soon as you get pregnant well by late pregnancy you have as much love for them as anyone else in your family. I wonder if people understand that, because if you havent felt that bond how could you get it? I know everyone else grieves but I like to be selfish and think I am his mum and surely noone grieves the way I do for him, nor how you do for Asha - dunno if that makes sense but you know.

    Spring - Just wanted to say GOOD LUCK for tomorrow - I know you wont need it lil Spring is gonna be peachey but still, well wishes cant hurt. Please try to get some piccies, I remember Nicholas' 19 weeks pics were soooooo cool and I would love to see lil Spring's happy snaps. I cant believe your almost 19 weeks! Considering he is going to induce you approx 38 weeks... YOU ARE HALF WAY THERE

    Hi to everybody else.

    Anyway, I will be off now before my post gets too long

    Mel

  16. #106

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    Mel - I know exactly what you mean, it was what I was trying to say. It can just seem so lonely, like no body can possibly understand or miss them as much as we do. It might sound selfish, but I just cannot see how anyone can really understand it-other than you guys of course. But even then, when you are feeling overwhelmed by it, you can forget that others have been through it too. I just sometimes feel like a complete freak, and that I am the only person in the world that this has happened to. Stupid I know, but that is what I mean about it being such a lonely loss.

    Spring - Happy half-way mark!! Good luck tomorrow, make sure you let us know right away how everything goes.

    Tommysmum - Hope the bleeding has stopped and we hear only good news tomorrow. Thinking of you.

  17. #107

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    OK well I wasnt going to mention this tonight because I was trying to keep my post short as I know it probably annoys people but I have had a pretty tough day, and an emotional one, and I wanted to share something with you...

    Do you all remember me saying I had told a girl at the place I am working about Nicholas and that I regretted it cause I felt uncomfortable around her now because she didnt really say much?... Well today she came up to me and handed me something and said "I saw this while I was shopping on the weekend and thought of you" and she wallked off and I looked at it and it was a wallet card titled "May You Always Have Your Angel By Your Side" and it reads as follows:

    "May you always have your angel by your side watching out for you
    Helping you believe in brighter days and in dreams come true
    Giving you comfort and courage, someone to catch you if you fall
    Inspiring smiles, holding your hand and helping you through it all
    May you always have your angel by your side"


    Anyway, I had to run off to the toilet and compose myself and I spent most of the day after this fighting back my tears as it touched me so much that someone who is practically a stranger to me can be so caring and thoughtful but yet some people I know ignore my pain. I dont even think this lady can know how much it means to me that she thought enough of me and Nicholas to buy that for me.

  18. #108

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    Oh Mel, I am sitting here bawling over that. I have been such a sook today anyway, but that pushed me over the edge. Not sure which made me cry more, the verse itself, or that an almost stranger thought to get it for you. It really is a nice thing to do.

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