I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It is so important to grieve, and to talk about it for as long as you need to. It helps you to be able to keep going.
I spent some time with my 85 year old grandmother last year, while I was trying to endure a hard time myself. She told me about her angel children, she had three mcs. She said that she still knows their names, still thinks of them every day, still remembers the days that would have been their birthdays. She said they never ever left her, but after a time she could think of them without pain, just love.
Kahlil Gibran has some true, beautiful words on Joy and Sorrow, I can't read them without welling up:

"...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the
potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was
hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it
is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see
that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight..."